Counting on Change- Part One

Let me not count the numerous ways that my life has changed, though allow an attempt to explain the after picture on the energetic level. Aside from the obvious physical challenges and hormonal emotions and mental stress, I’ve discovered another arena of transfiguration from my own yoga rabbi triplet-mom experience. Mostly the triplet parent life altogether was a big quake that took everything apart and left me shaky. I knew from the beginning, by finally being pregnant and all, and with three little dots appearing in my uterus, that my life had become extraordinary. What I could not have verbalized until now, and doubtfully so, is the pervasive alteration of my self from the cellular level on to the energetic system.

For one, my life turned inwards. Slowly at first, then I became overcome with protecting the lives inside me. To be clear I wasn’t obsessive, just responsible, and triplet pregnancies are really so on the verge that they require vigilance. It might seem strange, with twin pregnancies so common and not seeming so foreign, but when you add a third or more fetus, even the miraculous nature of pregnancy and childbirth gets pushed beyond its limit. As my OB repeatedly said, and I repeatedly write, the body was not designed for this. Not yours, not mine, not even Octomom who claims that it was all so easy. The sensations I reported were different than other pregnancies and harder to address over the phone, so the doctor wanted a call and visit anytime anything unusual was occurring. That was actually all of the freakin’ time, and I used my discernment (resistance vs. fear) to figure out what merited a call. I had regular appointments every two weeks anyway, then every week, usually with an ultrasound to peek into that dormitory of a womb that was puffing up like a blowfish up inside me. Inwards I turned, to these souls – to guard them with fierce love-, and it demanded tight boundaries blocking out negativity that could so easily do damage.

The belly, about where the baby borrows space, is the center of self-knowing, of the gut, of intuition. Energetically, according to the chakra system and according to the sefirot, it is the place where all is held in balance, including self-esteem and confidence. Much more should be said about this, which chakras are involved, the kabbalistic parallels too– another time though. I’ve been searching for writing about how that identity center changes during pregnancy and in the absence of another expert I have developed my own theory. This is in progress, and my first attempt at explaining my thoughts about this process.

In pregnancy the identity center gets displaced, replaced in a sense by the fetus that literally takes center stage. The woman’s own energetic self becomes layered with this other being, competing for blood, nutrients, energy and space. These factors are all limited so finding a balance demands a great deal on the whole person; physically, mentally, emotionally, in regards to time, space, thought, movement, energy intake, etc. There is a narrow market for real estate in the body, and the growing baby not only protrudes outward but pushes inward, rearranging the interior arrangement of vital organs, even growing up into the ribs and lungs taking up airspace. Yes, the uterus has amazing capabilities for accommodating its baby, for reckoning nutrients and hydration, but I don’t think it is designed to communicate and makes nice with the bladder, the kidneys, the lungs, the vagina, the stomach nor the intestines nor legs or feet. The rest of the body gets drawn in unwittingly and can be gracious or cranky. With multiple pregnancies, of course the pace is faster and the changes more radical; the demands multiply exponentially and push every boundary to the breaking point. Understanding the physical pressures is the beginning. Then consider the energy centers that provide a woman’s sense of self, knowing truth, holding soul strength. What happens when the center of identity and intuition is pushed aside? Where does it go? How does it mutate and adapt to nurture the child and the mother-baby bond? With complete merging of identify, how does the identity-intuition center of the woman ultimately respond with resilience so she can be herself again? Once the organs and energy centers have been forever changed (and blessed with this relationship), can the self and soul certainty ever return? How long does this rebound take after the womb has been emptied and the baby begins a life outside of the mother’s body?

Today is the 13th day of the Omer.

This is Part One; Part Two should arrive tomorrow.
Please share your responses, thoughts, and your own experiences in the comment section below.

The Sun Has Come Out

Laughter so forceful I couldn’t even speak, surely the sun has come out. It was naptime and I put on the iPod music that has been lulling my girls to sleep for nearly three years. Sat down on the floor to help E get her jammies on (a habit from the days when we had to zip up footies backwards to be sure diapers would stay on) and noticed that the song playing was not from Classical Music for Babies but was Alicia Keys. The girls noticed too, I knew because they spontaneously started dancing.

Sometimes I get anxious for that moment of closing the door to heads down, though today I enjoyed the moment and watched my girls dance. At first they were jumping, then jump spinning, then freestyle. They were all enjoying themselves, totally feeling the music and moving to their own beat. Especially so was E, who looked like she was ice skating. Words cannot fully describe the expression on her face that caused me to break out in laughter, first silent, trying to hide my face, then uncontrollably loud and shaking. They all hovered in, thinking that I was crying.

E was spinning very, very (l’at l’at) slowly with her face lifted gracefully upwards. Her eyes drooped half closed and her placid expression seemed to come from another realm. She spun to the low guardrail of her bed and did some complicated, seemed-like-choreographed move while holding the bars. Again and again her body moved in an amazing beautiful sequence. Then, she spun back out, still with that trance-like expression. Her hands reached for mine and we swayed together, arms extended straight out like sleep walkers. She shifted her weight from foot to foot and kept her chin high, face lifted towards the heavens, with her eyes half closed, looking nowhere. In the moment I watched her, looking kind of strange. Loving how she was in her own place, not knowing exactly where that was, I was so amused. Her countenance was so funny looking, perhaps deep, mystical, perhaps goofy or aloof, but just odd and unlike her usual expressions.

I looked down and smiled, then up again to resume our dance. Then I turned my head to try to get my husband’s attention but I couldn’t even speak and mostly didn’t want to ruin the moment. Eventually my smile turned into silent shaking, then audible laughter. Long and deep laughter.

How awesome is it that the song playing at that moment was “I am Superwoman”, a personal favorite that somehow dropped off my iTunes. Somewhere in that trance induced hysterics a click of clarity appeared and I thought to myself “I am laughing.” It felt good, this whole body laughter, so much so that I just had to commemorate it in writing. The sun was shining on me, filling my heart with blessing, taking over to heal me in ways that I cannot do myself. Three girls in jammies dancing, one in a mystic dervish moment, and me watching, joining the dance, and being returned to wholeness.

Baruch Atah/Brucha At Yah Eloheinu Ruach HaOlam haMatir Assurim. Blesssed are You, Source of Soul, who frees the imprisoned, who releases me from mental, emotional, and spiritual slavery to know the joy of dance and whole body laughter. Let us dance and laugh together to revelation, complete illumination. Amen.

Today is the 12th day of the Omer.

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Watch Superwoman video.
(Image above courtesy of people-clipart.com)