Let me not count the numerous ways that my life has changed, though allow an attempt to explain the after picture on the energetic level. Aside from the obvious physical challenges and hormonal emotions and mental stress, I’ve discovered another arena of transfiguration from my own yoga rabbi triplet-mom experience. Mostly the triplet parent life altogether was a big quake that took everything apart and left me shaky. I knew from the beginning, by finally being pregnant and all, and with three little dots appearing in my uterus, that my life had become extraordinary. What I could not have verbalized until now, and doubtfully so, is the pervasive alteration of my self from the cellular level on to the energetic system.
For one, my life turned inwards. Slowly at first, then I became overcome with protecting the lives inside me. To be clear I wasn’t obsessive, just responsible, and triplet pregnancies are really so on the verge that they require vigilance. It might seem strange, with twin pregnancies so common and not seeming so foreign, but when you add a third or more fetus, even the miraculous nature of pregnancy and childbirth gets pushed beyond its limit. As my OB repeatedly said, and I repeatedly write, the body was not designed for this. Not yours, not mine, not even Octomom who claims that it was all so easy. The sensations I reported were different than other pregnancies and harder to address over the phone, so the doctor wanted a call and visit anytime anything unusual was occurring. That was actually all of the freakin’ time, and I used my discernment (resistance vs. fear) to figure out what merited a call. I had regular appointments every two weeks anyway, then every week, usually with an ultrasound to peek into that dormitory of a womb that was puffing up like a blowfish up inside me. Inwards I turned, to these souls – to guard them with fierce love-, and it demanded tight boundaries blocking out negativity that could so easily do damage.
The belly, about where the baby borrows space, is the center of self-knowing, of the gut, of intuition. Energetically, according to the chakra system and according to the sefirot, it is the place where all is held in balance, including self-esteem and confidence. Much more should be said about this, which chakras are involved, the kabbalistic parallels too– another time though. I’ve been searching for writing about how that identity center changes during pregnancy and in the absence of another expert I have developed my own theory. This is in progress, and my first attempt at explaining my thoughts about this process.
In pregnancy the identity center gets displaced, replaced in a sense by the fetus that literally takes center stage. The woman’s own energetic self becomes layered with this other being, competing for blood, nutrients, energy and space. These factors are all limited so finding a balance demands a great deal on the whole person; physically, mentally, emotionally, in regards to time, space, thought, movement, energy intake, etc. There is a narrow market for real estate in the body, and the growing baby not only protrudes outward but pushes inward, rearranging the interior arrangement of vital organs, even growing up into the ribs and lungs taking up airspace. Yes, the uterus has amazing capabilities for accommodating its baby, for reckoning nutrients and hydration, but I don’t think it is designed to communicate and makes nice with the bladder, the kidneys, the lungs, the vagina, the stomach nor the intestines nor legs or feet. The rest of the body gets drawn in unwittingly and can be gracious or cranky. With multiple pregnancies, of course the pace is faster and the changes more radical; the demands multiply exponentially and push every boundary to the breaking point. Understanding the physical pressures is the beginning. Then consider the energy centers that provide a woman’s sense of self, knowing truth, holding soul strength. What happens when the center of identity and intuition is pushed aside? Where does it go? How does it mutate and adapt to nurture the child and the mother-baby bond? With complete merging of identify, how does the identity-intuition center of the woman ultimately respond with resilience so she can be herself again? Once the organs and energy centers have been forever changed (and blessed with this relationship), can the self and soul certainty ever return? How long does this rebound take after the womb has been emptied and the baby begins a life outside of the mother’s body?
Today is the 13th day of the Omer.
This is Part One; Part Two should arrive tomorrow.
Please share your responses, thoughts, and your own experiences in the comment section below.
Showing posts with label Omer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Omer. Show all posts
Monday, May 2, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The Sun Has Come Out
Laughter so forceful I couldn’t even speak, surely the sun has come out. It was naptime and I put on the iPod music that has been lulling my girls to sleep for nearly three years. Sat down on the floor to help E get her jammies on (a habit from the days when we had to zip up footies backwards to be sure diapers would stay on) and noticed that the song playing was not from Classical Music for Babies but was Alicia Keys. The girls noticed too, I knew because they spontaneously started dancing.Sometimes I get anxious for that moment of closing the door to heads down, though today I enjoyed the moment and watched my girls dance. At first they were jumping, then jump spinning, then freestyle. They were all enjoying themselves, totally feeling the music and moving to their own beat. Especially so was E, who looked like she was ice skating. Words cannot fully describe the expression on her face that caused me to break out in laughter, first silent, trying to hide my face, then uncontrollably loud and shaking. They all hovered in, thinking that I was crying.
E was spinning very, very (l’at l’at) slowly with her face lifted gracefully upwards. Her eyes drooped half closed and her placid expression seemed to come from another realm. She spun to the low guardrail of her bed and did some complicated, seemed-like-choreographed move while holding the bars. Again and again her body moved in an amazing beautiful sequence. Then, she spun back out, still with that trance-like expression. Her hands reached for mine and we swayed together, arms extended straight out like sleep walkers. She shifted her weight from foot to foot and kept her chin high, face lifted towards the heavens, with her eyes half closed, looking nowhere. In the moment I watched her, looking kind of strange. Loving how she was in her own place, not knowing exactly where that was, I was so amused. Her countenance was so funny looking, perhaps deep, mystical, perhaps goofy or aloof, but just odd and unlike her usual expressions.
I looked down and smiled, then up again to resume our dance. Then I turned my head to try to get my husband’s attention but I couldn’t even speak and mostly didn’t want to ruin the moment. Eventually my smile turned into silent shaking, then audible laughter. Long and deep laughter.
How awesome is it that the song playing at that moment was “I am Superwoman”, a personal favorite that somehow dropped off my iTunes. Somewhere in that trance induced hysterics a click of clarity appeared and I thought to myself “I am laughing.” It felt good, this whole body laughter, so much so that I just had to commemorate it in writing. The sun was shining on me, filling my heart with blessing, taking over to heal me in ways that I cannot do myself. Three girls in jammies dancing, one in a mystic dervish moment, and me watching, joining the dance, and being returned to wholeness.
Baruch Atah/Brucha At Yah Eloheinu Ruach HaOlam haMatir Assurim. Blesssed are You, Source of Soul, who frees the imprisoned, who releases me from mental, emotional, and spiritual slavery to know the joy of dance and whole body laughter. Let us dance and laugh together to revelation, complete illumination. Amen.
Today is the 12th day of the Omer.
Dear readers, please share your comments with me and others who visit the OOCC. Look at the bottom of this post where it says “0 comments” (or maybe another number!), and click right on that to bring up your comment box.
Watch Superwoman video.
(Image above courtesy of people-clipart.com)
Friday, April 29, 2011
Lost Count - of # of surprises!
I can’t count the number of surprises I’ve had the past few days. After an hour or so of post-bedtime giggling, I went into the girls’ room to tell them to go to sleep. I found two girls in one crib, and the other still in her crib alone. I turned on my heels and ran down the hall to find my husband, who informed me that he had not moved anyone from their own bedtime spot. Sometimes we do let them “fall asleep” together or just play together for a while before separating them into their own cribs.
Turning on my heels again I hurried back to the room. N and E had that “cat-ate-the-bird” grin on their faces. Puzzled, I asked: “N, how did you get in there? Show us (by then, my husband was right behind me) how you did it.” She hesitated, then I assured her that its ok. In a blur of a half second she bounded over the side of the crib and landed feet on the floor. Surprise, kid on the loose!
Again I closed the door to three girls in three separate cribs. The squeaking and laughter didn’t stop, so eventually I opened that door once again. Surprise! All three girls were in ONE crib. Now I knew we had two flying monkeys.
Another time, I opened that door to find two little figures busy as bees in the dark. One was handing a toy over the crib to the one sister who hadn’t left her perch. Surprise! They are bold in their rebellion. With as little emotion as possible, I plopped them back in their cribs and repeated the mantra. The short version is “stay in your crib!” I’m in trouble now.
The next morning I awoke to sounds of a toy stroller rolling past my bedroom door. The mischief continues.
Last night they all woke up one at a time just when I was ready to go to sleep. First I brought H into bed with us and she was snug as a bug in a rug. When the other two started crying I knew I was doomed. They never go back to sleep when I go in to comfort them, and sure enough after a long while of making nice, rubbing backs, and holding tightly, they resumed crying when I pulled back my hand. All three girls joined us in bed, jogging for space, squirming and fighting over which one got more of me. Little E was on my chest, head heavy and hard into my chin. H made a pillow of her blanked on my left shoulder and rubbed her thumb sucking cheek against mine, and N bent herself over on my legs (until she found her favorite sleeping place on top of her Abba). When this sweet picture inevitably turned into elbows in the face I brought each girl back to her crib and let them cry it out. This morning E appeared at my feet.
At the moment they are napping and N and E are in their very own beds, converted this morning from cribs by yours truly. Instead of surprise on my face -as has become so frequent- I unlocked the door after fun with the Allen wrench to a bewildered N. Surprise! You have your own bed, no more crib. She stared, face as confused as I was to discover she could fly into her sisters’ crib. A smile began as she approached her bed yet she didn’t know what to do. I encouraged her to try it out, taught her how to (properly) get in and out, and repeated the mantra “you stay in your bed until we get you out.”
As usual, I let my children tell me when they’re ready for change and it happens before I feel ready. I tucked them in for nap in the “new” beds after a little more work on the next crib conversion and a late lunch of rice pasta with olive oil. H was a bit sad that she’s still in a crib, and I was a bit sad to look back into the room at big girl beds. They showed me that it was time to say goodbye to baby cribs and they surprised me with their tremendous wisdom. I am the one who has to catch up, who feels rushed to the next stage. Potty training was the same way. And eating with utensils, And eating solid foods. Each time, the girls (usually one at a time) told me they wanted to try something new. I let them experiment and gave some pointers. These girls are awesome. They are resilient, adventurous, caring, smart and so darn gorgeous. They constantly surprise me.
Today I had the joyous opportunity to surprise them, to show them what they were seeking with the crib climbing mischief flying monkey behavior. I heard their call, and responded to their need, even though it was outside my comfort zone. Frightened and awed by the way they are claiming their freedom, I will find clever ways to create boundaries for their (God willing safe) exploration. Conversely, I hope to break through my own constricting boundaries with the same brave, bold, confident and natural movement toward freedom.
for you: if you could fly, where would you go? what would you leave behind? who are your teachers?
Tonight will be 10+1 days of the Omer. Shabbat Shalom!
Turning on my heels again I hurried back to the room. N and E had that “cat-ate-the-bird” grin on their faces. Puzzled, I asked: “N, how did you get in there? Show us (by then, my husband was right behind me) how you did it.” She hesitated, then I assured her that its ok. In a blur of a half second she bounded over the side of the crib and landed feet on the floor. Surprise, kid on the loose!
Again I closed the door to three girls in three separate cribs. The squeaking and laughter didn’t stop, so eventually I opened that door once again. Surprise! All three girls were in ONE crib. Now I knew we had two flying monkeys.
Another time, I opened that door to find two little figures busy as bees in the dark. One was handing a toy over the crib to the one sister who hadn’t left her perch. Surprise! They are bold in their rebellion. With as little emotion as possible, I plopped them back in their cribs and repeated the mantra. The short version is “stay in your crib!” I’m in trouble now.
The next morning I awoke to sounds of a toy stroller rolling past my bedroom door. The mischief continues.
Last night they all woke up one at a time just when I was ready to go to sleep. First I brought H into bed with us and she was snug as a bug in a rug. When the other two started crying I knew I was doomed. They never go back to sleep when I go in to comfort them, and sure enough after a long while of making nice, rubbing backs, and holding tightly, they resumed crying when I pulled back my hand. All three girls joined us in bed, jogging for space, squirming and fighting over which one got more of me. Little E was on my chest, head heavy and hard into my chin. H made a pillow of her blanked on my left shoulder and rubbed her thumb sucking cheek against mine, and N bent herself over on my legs (until she found her favorite sleeping place on top of her Abba). When this sweet picture inevitably turned into elbows in the face I brought each girl back to her crib and let them cry it out. This morning E appeared at my feet.
At the moment they are napping and N and E are in their very own beds, converted this morning from cribs by yours truly. Instead of surprise on my face -as has become so frequent- I unlocked the door after fun with the Allen wrench to a bewildered N. Surprise! You have your own bed, no more crib. She stared, face as confused as I was to discover she could fly into her sisters’ crib. A smile began as she approached her bed yet she didn’t know what to do. I encouraged her to try it out, taught her how to (properly) get in and out, and repeated the mantra “you stay in your bed until we get you out.”
As usual, I let my children tell me when they’re ready for change and it happens before I feel ready. I tucked them in for nap in the “new” beds after a little more work on the next crib conversion and a late lunch of rice pasta with olive oil. H was a bit sad that she’s still in a crib, and I was a bit sad to look back into the room at big girl beds. They showed me that it was time to say goodbye to baby cribs and they surprised me with their tremendous wisdom. I am the one who has to catch up, who feels rushed to the next stage. Potty training was the same way. And eating with utensils, And eating solid foods. Each time, the girls (usually one at a time) told me they wanted to try something new. I let them experiment and gave some pointers. These girls are awesome. They are resilient, adventurous, caring, smart and so darn gorgeous. They constantly surprise me.
Today I had the joyous opportunity to surprise them, to show them what they were seeking with the crib climbing mischief flying monkey behavior. I heard their call, and responded to their need, even though it was outside my comfort zone. Frightened and awed by the way they are claiming their freedom, I will find clever ways to create boundaries for their (God willing safe) exploration. Conversely, I hope to break through my own constricting boundaries with the same brave, bold, confident and natural movement toward freedom.
for you: if you could fly, where would you go? what would you leave behind? who are your teachers?
Tonight will be 10+1 days of the Omer. Shabbat Shalom!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Minus Seventy-Seven
Help me get clear about this: am I total failure? Or just a partial failure? It’s one thing when you start out strong and eventually run out of steam. But this year I started out super late the first night, already empty, tired, with only my aspirations for a meaningful daily Omer writing practice on the fumes of resolve. Counting even with the blessing is something I have managed to do each night, and maybe I should celebrate that accomplishment for its own merit. Instead, I berate myself for failing to fulfill my promise to write and post each night the OOCC. On the topic of that internal critic, I’m realizing the irony of choosing the topic “Counting to Clarity” when at times I can barely form sentences and often I just want to be quiet.
When a friend noticed that I had lost some weight a few months back I acknowledged it saying “finally my body is starting to come back, and depending on if I use actual pre-pregnancy weight or my during fertility treatment weight, I only have 30-40 more pounds to go”. That’s how I see it- how far I am from my goal, from looking and God willing feeling, like myself. The subtlety there is that from the inside I am forever changed and the larger sizes and overstretched skin doesn’t even begin to reveal the story.
For months I could tell you I have thirty more pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, and the last time I was pregnant was over 2 ½ (or now closer to 3) years ago. And you might think, my goodness, isn’t that a lot? Many women don’t even gain that much weight for the pregnancy, much less take three years to lose it. Or maybe you would be more compassionate and understanding about the way that pregnancy totally changes a body physically and chemically, how there is no time to care for yourself with a newborn or toddler, how most new mothers struggle with self care and losing weight they have gained while expecting or even after baby comes home.
But then that friend turned the tables and asked how much I’d lost. It sounded so much different when I heard myself say that I’d lost seventy pounds. That is huge. How big I was loomed even bigger when I pictured dropping that much weight. The remaining fraction seemed smaller and less significant compared to the majority of pounds that were already behind me. I still had thirty more to go to the number on my driver’s license (130), though in reality I used to be 135, and after bloating from months of fertility treatments I was 145 before finally getting that BFP (big fat positive)! As an act of motherly love, as all mothers do, I sacrificed my body for my babies. Following expert advice I gained a ton of weight for the sake of my triplets. 235 was where I stopped counting, having gained over one hundred pounds.
And now I’ve lost seventy-seven pounds and don’t want to take credit for it as an accomplishment. It feels more like something that just happened, thankfully, luckily, blessedly. As deliberately as I wanted to get pregnant and then to gain lots of weight for my extreme pregnancy, I have no idea why getting pregnant with good old S-E-X didn’t work for us, nor do I know why it took so long to lose weight, or why it finally started happening. From the doctor’s office I updated facebook with my happy news (down seven more for a total of seventy-seven pounds gone!) and love that friends are celebrating with me. Alongside the congratulatory comments (to which I still want to say “but there’s still 23 lbs more!”) are questions about my secret to weight loss.
The secret revealed to me today is the importance of celebrating and sharing our celebratory moments. Just as for sure I have shared my pain and insanity, I have tried to share my sweetness, joy and laughter. I absolutely love that people feel healing from seeing pictures and videos and status updates from the triplet toddler show that is my life. That sharing has been deliberate, and I revel in my girls. Celebrating them is not the same as appreciating myself, and that is a challenge for me. Though clarity itself still seems far away, I am counting on its eventual arrival and will do my part by trying to replace negative perception with positive self -commentary. As certain as tonight is the tenth night of the Omer, I have succeeded in counting each night this year, and tonight I am contributing to OOCC. As of today, I am seventy-seven pounds lighter than I was in June 2008, and today I celebrate my success. Today I seek healing for myself and offer my story for service.
For your comments:
What are you celebrating? What success can we celebrate with you?
When a friend noticed that I had lost some weight a few months back I acknowledged it saying “finally my body is starting to come back, and depending on if I use actual pre-pregnancy weight or my during fertility treatment weight, I only have 30-40 more pounds to go”. That’s how I see it- how far I am from my goal, from looking and God willing feeling, like myself. The subtlety there is that from the inside I am forever changed and the larger sizes and overstretched skin doesn’t even begin to reveal the story.
For months I could tell you I have thirty more pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, and the last time I was pregnant was over 2 ½ (or now closer to 3) years ago. And you might think, my goodness, isn’t that a lot? Many women don’t even gain that much weight for the pregnancy, much less take three years to lose it. Or maybe you would be more compassionate and understanding about the way that pregnancy totally changes a body physically and chemically, how there is no time to care for yourself with a newborn or toddler, how most new mothers struggle with self care and losing weight they have gained while expecting or even after baby comes home.
But then that friend turned the tables and asked how much I’d lost. It sounded so much different when I heard myself say that I’d lost seventy pounds. That is huge. How big I was loomed even bigger when I pictured dropping that much weight. The remaining fraction seemed smaller and less significant compared to the majority of pounds that were already behind me. I still had thirty more to go to the number on my driver’s license (130), though in reality I used to be 135, and after bloating from months of fertility treatments I was 145 before finally getting that BFP (big fat positive)! As an act of motherly love, as all mothers do, I sacrificed my body for my babies. Following expert advice I gained a ton of weight for the sake of my triplets. 235 was where I stopped counting, having gained over one hundred pounds.
And now I’ve lost seventy-seven pounds and don’t want to take credit for it as an accomplishment. It feels more like something that just happened, thankfully, luckily, blessedly. As deliberately as I wanted to get pregnant and then to gain lots of weight for my extreme pregnancy, I have no idea why getting pregnant with good old S-E-X didn’t work for us, nor do I know why it took so long to lose weight, or why it finally started happening. From the doctor’s office I updated facebook with my happy news (down seven more for a total of seventy-seven pounds gone!) and love that friends are celebrating with me. Alongside the congratulatory comments (to which I still want to say “but there’s still 23 lbs more!”) are questions about my secret to weight loss.
The secret revealed to me today is the importance of celebrating and sharing our celebratory moments. Just as for sure I have shared my pain and insanity, I have tried to share my sweetness, joy and laughter. I absolutely love that people feel healing from seeing pictures and videos and status updates from the triplet toddler show that is my life. That sharing has been deliberate, and I revel in my girls. Celebrating them is not the same as appreciating myself, and that is a challenge for me. Though clarity itself still seems far away, I am counting on its eventual arrival and will do my part by trying to replace negative perception with positive self -commentary. As certain as tonight is the tenth night of the Omer, I have succeeded in counting each night this year, and tonight I am contributing to OOCC. As of today, I am seventy-seven pounds lighter than I was in June 2008, and today I celebrate my success. Today I seek healing for myself and offer my story for service.
For your comments:
What are you celebrating? What success can we celebrate with you?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Four Step Shabbat Personal Practices
Today is day three of the Omer, add one and you have the day that begins tonight (Friday night April 22).
I only just managed to post day #3 and will do a different format for this Shabbat Omer counting. Four step personal spiritual practices follow!
Tefilla Yoga
[If you live in or near Chicago, join me tomorrow morning for Tefilla Yoga. The practice will be supportive to bodies who've been exposed to harsh matzoh, late nights, and changing schedules, travel and tiredness. Expect some enjoyable embodiment and restorative poses. 8:00-9:30 am @ Anshe Emet, 3751 N Broadway Chicago]
Do these practice all together or at different times of the night/day.
1. Shabbat Shalom! Light Shabbat candles. Cover your eyes and say the bracha for Shabbat candlelighting. Keep your eyes covered and add personal blessings. Talk to God, ask for what you need, then for blessings for those in your life. Include those who love and support you who are easy to bless, and also people who may not give you what you need, but still need your blessings. May Divine light illuminate your Shabbat, care for you, bring you rest and support.
2. Find a spot to sit. Notice your posture and allow yourself to sit up tall, shoulders wide and down, chest open. Notice your breath. Shift into breathing in through your nostrils deep into your lungs, slowly - generously. Exhale slowly and fully through your nostrils. Repeat for a total of four cycles, breathing in the gift of life, divine breath moving your soul in and through your body. *You may want to sit in front of your Shabbat candles, gazing at the flames dancing.
3. Find open wall space and bring a pillow or blanket. Sit on the floor (or pillow/blanket) really close to the wall, with one hip next to wall, knees bent. Slide onto the floor on your side, roll onto your back, and put your legs up the wall. Adjust the pillow/blanket under your hips. Let yourself settle in here, giving your feet and legs a break. Relax your jaw and neck. Pay attention to how you feel, notice what changes over the next four (or so) minutes. *You may want to first cleanse and exfoliate your face and hands, and apply a mask to your face. Relax into this pose as the mask removes impurities from your skin. Remember to moisturize afterwards.
4. Lay on your back in Shabbatsana. Slide your shoulders down away from your ears, neck long, face relaxed. Let your body be heavy, feel yourself held and supported. Four is the number of Imahot, the Mothers. Invoke the mothers in your life, sources of life, nourishment, nurturing, wisdom. They may be alive in the world now, or no longer, your family or not, female or male. Feel them holding you, blessing you. Remember what a miracle you are, just for being born, for the strength of your soul residing in your body. Realize that with all your talents and accomplishments, your soul is on this Omer journey, moving from constraint to freedom, from burden to joy. Notice where you feel clouded or heavy and where you feel bright and light. Celebrate both. Count the Omer. Tonight is the fourth night of the Omer.
I only just managed to post day #3 and will do a different format for this Shabbat Omer counting. Four step personal spiritual practices follow!
Tefilla Yoga
[If you live in or near Chicago, join me tomorrow morning for Tefilla Yoga. The practice will be supportive to bodies who've been exposed to harsh matzoh, late nights, and changing schedules, travel and tiredness. Expect some enjoyable embodiment and restorative poses. 8:00-9:30 am @ Anshe Emet, 3751 N Broadway Chicago]
Do these practice all together or at different times of the night/day.
1. Shabbat Shalom! Light Shabbat candles. Cover your eyes and say the bracha for Shabbat candlelighting. Keep your eyes covered and add personal blessings. Talk to God, ask for what you need, then for blessings for those in your life. Include those who love and support you who are easy to bless, and also people who may not give you what you need, but still need your blessings. May Divine light illuminate your Shabbat, care for you, bring you rest and support.
2. Find a spot to sit. Notice your posture and allow yourself to sit up tall, shoulders wide and down, chest open. Notice your breath. Shift into breathing in through your nostrils deep into your lungs, slowly - generously. Exhale slowly and fully through your nostrils. Repeat for a total of four cycles, breathing in the gift of life, divine breath moving your soul in and through your body. *You may want to sit in front of your Shabbat candles, gazing at the flames dancing.
3. Find open wall space and bring a pillow or blanket. Sit on the floor (or pillow/blanket) really close to the wall, with one hip next to wall, knees bent. Slide onto the floor on your side, roll onto your back, and put your legs up the wall. Adjust the pillow/blanket under your hips. Let yourself settle in here, giving your feet and legs a break. Relax your jaw and neck. Pay attention to how you feel, notice what changes over the next four (or so) minutes. *You may want to first cleanse and exfoliate your face and hands, and apply a mask to your face. Relax into this pose as the mask removes impurities from your skin. Remember to moisturize afterwards.
4. Lay on your back in Shabbatsana. Slide your shoulders down away from your ears, neck long, face relaxed. Let your body be heavy, feel yourself held and supported. Four is the number of Imahot, the Mothers. Invoke the mothers in your life, sources of life, nourishment, nurturing, wisdom. They may be alive in the world now, or no longer, your family or not, female or male. Feel them holding you, blessing you. Remember what a miracle you are, just for being born, for the strength of your soul residing in your body. Realize that with all your talents and accomplishments, your soul is on this Omer journey, moving from constraint to freedom, from burden to joy. Notice where you feel clouded or heavy and where you feel bright and light. Celebrate both. Count the Omer. Tonight is the fourth night of the Omer.
Favorite Number
written last night: Tonight I think I can count three seconds before I pass out from exhaustion. Long hours driving with late Seder nights and kids coming into our bed crying were one thing. An overly ambitious "vacation" day today was what did me in. [fall into sleep]
written today about yesterday: In three days, we drove 5 hours to Michigan, had 2 Seders, moved from the original hotel that was filthy and falling apart to a nice clean hotel, and drove back to Chicago. The earliest I got to sleep each of those three nights was midnight, and as is normal on family road trips I didn't get any quiet time alone, not even in the bathroom folks. After a fun filled family fest and a relatively quiet late late night drive home, I woke up in my own bed. With an out-of-town friend visiting Chicago and no Gan for the girls, I decided to take everyone to a museum. Decisions made on lack of sleep don't usually turn out well. Nevertheless, we made it a full day, beyond what I can usually expect of myself. We started at the Museum of Science and Industry and watched the chickies hatch, put on three diapers for nap time in the car ride to pick Haley up from school in Indiana (and back), then went to Navy Pier. Haley wanted and got a hair wrap and the little girls found sparkly little purses that I was happy to get as a souvenir. Three purses - one pink, one purple, one black. We had lunch in the car, a noise melt down in the museum, one minor accident in the store. It was six pm by the time we got home, all cranky and hungry. The three little girls were in bed by eight, and by then I could barely move. I did manage to say the bracha and count the third day of the Omer.
"Today is the third night of the Omer", and as you know, I'm always counting threes. It has become my number. If I ever played a team sport (those of you who know me well are laughing now) I would have the number three on my jersey. Even though I have four girls, the triplet three trumps everything. You've heard this before, I've thought it before, these three souls leave an imprint of three on everything in my world. I'll leave it at that for now. The third day of the Omer is ending and Shabbat is coming soon. I pray that Shabbat brings us rest we all need after an exhausting week - and that once the tiredness recedes we will see the beauty of the holiday experience.
written today about yesterday: In three days, we drove 5 hours to Michigan, had 2 Seders, moved from the original hotel that was filthy and falling apart to a nice clean hotel, and drove back to Chicago. The earliest I got to sleep each of those three nights was midnight, and as is normal on family road trips I didn't get any quiet time alone, not even in the bathroom folks. After a fun filled family fest and a relatively quiet late late night drive home, I woke up in my own bed. With an out-of-town friend visiting Chicago and no Gan for the girls, I decided to take everyone to a museum. Decisions made on lack of sleep don't usually turn out well. Nevertheless, we made it a full day, beyond what I can usually expect of myself. We started at the Museum of Science and Industry and watched the chickies hatch, put on three diapers for nap time in the car ride to pick Haley up from school in Indiana (and back), then went to Navy Pier. Haley wanted and got a hair wrap and the little girls found sparkly little purses that I was happy to get as a souvenir. Three purses - one pink, one purple, one black. We had lunch in the car, a noise melt down in the museum, one minor accident in the store. It was six pm by the time we got home, all cranky and hungry. The three little girls were in bed by eight, and by then I could barely move. I did manage to say the bracha and count the third day of the Omer.
"Today is the third night of the Omer", and as you know, I'm always counting threes. It has become my number. If I ever played a team sport (those of you who know me well are laughing now) I would have the number three on my jersey. Even though I have four girls, the triplet three trumps everything. You've heard this before, I've thought it before, these three souls leave an imprint of three on everything in my world. I'll leave it at that for now. The third day of the Omer is ending and Shabbat is coming soon. I pray that Shabbat brings us rest we all need after an exhausting week - and that once the tiredness recedes we will see the beauty of the holiday experience.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Nearly blew it before it began
I nearly blew it. Close to midnight, moments after zipping and locking up the little girls (triplets under 3 years old up way too late for the second night in a row) in their portable tent beds (we highly recommend the Peapod) I suddenly whispered to my closed-eyed husband. Startling him out of falling asleep in the hotel bed, I quietly recited the bracha and counted the first night of the Omer. After almost completely forgetting, I wanted a witness, though not too reliable in his slumber, to hear me announce the first night.
(The girls are excited to ride the hotel luggage cart, which they call "shopping cart", and to stay up super late for Passover Seders.)
It's usually counted at the Seder table, that is if you actually do the whole Seder from start to finish. There were young adult years when Seders were that generous luxurious time for exploration and late night singing of that last "next year in Jerusalem." But not here, our Seder order ended with the festive meal, as many families do from lack of interest in the whole exacting deal. Seder actually means "order" and there are 14 steps this at home table ritual. Full of symbolism, interesting objects and foods, the telling of the Haggadah includes stories, laws and songs all intended to elicit discussion. Even guised as "traditional" and viewed by attendees as way too long, these Seders did not complete the order nor fulfill it in more than the most basic reading. Not to say that it wasn't a great way to connect with family nor anything but an amazing feat of a feast. The meal was delicious and the sixty plus family members were wonderful company. The children demonstrated their beautiful singing voices, showed off their day school education in Hebrew fluency and song familiarity and were adorable - including my 2 year olds who each sang the beginning of Ma Nishtana. The Passover production was impressive for its scale, efficacy, beauty and carrying out of traditions. That said, of the four cups, we only poured two. Elijah and Miriam were both ignored, and I felt their absence. And of other steps skipped, we neglected to count the Omer.
I married into a large family that actually has a family club that meets monthly and for annual events in the Detroit suburbs where most still reside. They have enormous pots and pans for mass cooking and everything else needed to make a special and elegant holiday. The aunt and uncle who host Passover actually built their house to accomodate the huge crowd. The Seder takes place in the elegant living room, that more resembles a hotel lobby. Coming from my own family with our own (different) traditions and as a rabbi who has thought lots about my ideal Seder experience (and led some good ones), I can offer a commentary full of compliments and constructive criticism, but for tonight my only comment is this. We didn't count the Omer. How many of you counted the Omer together at Seder last night?
To be fair to the leader, I myself didn't even think about completing the Seder. I was too busy trying to catch up with the cousins and listen out for cries of my children, the new inductees to the basement mayhem.
So tired from the cleaning and kashering and cooking and setting and serving, sometime we lose sight of the spiritual cycle. The big day takes so much out of us, we totally or nearly forget that it is a kick off event, not the end itself. Just like wedding planning it consumes as much time as the engagement allows, preparing for the relationship of marriage is usually neglected. Immersing in the preparation is its own process, and also part of a bigger picture. Pause for an aha moment - that's the story of my with baby triplets. Diapering, feeding, cleaning, dressing the children - it doesn't leave freedom to think, to read, to evaluate. I suppose no matter how little prep we do, those next stages will arrive (God willing) for us to find ourselves in bed counting the Omer seconds before sleep - or having that intimate conversation - or envisioning the children with their own families.
The girls were so wired even at midnight that after jumping on the bed and running around the room I just forced them into their Peapods and locked the zipper (with twist ties - did I ever tell you how they trashed the hotel room in Memphis?) Efforts at crying lasted less then thirty seconds, then they were too tired to try. One second of silence was followed by a wimper from E, then came 2 seconds of silence. I was counting the space in between the crying when I realized that I hadn't counted the first night of the Omer!
More than just counting, before we actually count the day of the Omer (out of 49, listed by days and weeks), we say a bracha (blessing). If you remember to count the Omer at night (when the "day" begins on Jewish time) you begin with the blessing. If you don't count until the next day, then you can't say the blessing. Admittedly I'll be happy if I count to 49 night or day, though I'd love to get all the blessings in. Blessings are special, they are blessings after all.
Tonight I said the bracha in the dark somewhere between Detroit and Chicago, using Omer Counter 2.0 on my iPhone. By then I was sitting in the way back, between Haley and N. One girl wanted me to help her sleep and the other needed me once she awoke.
Earlier in the ride it had been really quiet. I had nothing more to say to the driver and I realized that it was a good time for a talk with myself. I led myself in a little internal Seder of my own. I started with some venting, then went a bit deeper into a section that regrettably was edited out of our Seders, before I bored myself and was ready to eat some chocolate. The Four Children is a section of the telling that I've always loved in text and through numerous artistic depictions. There are four archetypes of children that can be seen as four different types of religious experience, four learning styles, four personalities, or four family roles. In discussing them we try to identify ourselves and get to hear our families thoughts about our self perception. I love that the archetype with which we identify most can change from year to year. I have been the Hacham, the wise child, immersed in Torah Study, fascinated with laws and traditions. I have been the Rasha in more recent years; the one who feels apart from tradition and questions the value of organized religion. For me being the Rasha was questioning faith or feeling mired in struggle without relief that. The all consuming life changing triplet pregnancy and parenthood also casts me as the Tam, the simple one who doesn't know what to ask - or who is indifferent to the answer. Sometimes the thread holding us in the tribe is very thin.
My realization tonight is that this year I relate to the One Who Cannot Ask. In some ways I've lost my voice. Different than when I was younger and learned how my voice had been taken away, then worked on taking it back, now something different is happening. I'm not clear on it all yet, which I remind myself is why the theme of the Omer is "Counting to Clarity". There's no Haggadah that tells me what I'm supposed to say to the world, no written curriculum for my spiritual development and no job description that's a role written for me. I know who I am and, at the same time, I don't know. I don't know what is to come and where I should be so vocal, or where I should listen for guidance. I'm not clear how to let spirit guide me and also act responsibly to my family's financial needs. I am both articulate and also inarticulate. I am both gifted with unique talents and expertise and also need variety and flexibility. I both want to honor what I'm meant to bring to the world and also have some balance and enjoyment. I am both clear about what I stand for and unclear about where my next step will lead.
Thankfully, I have this counting and the season that leads to clarity. One day at at time, I will bless the path from narrowly defined dark enslaved places to the free and clear and bright illuminated destination.
Tonight/today is the second day of the Omer.
For you: what was missing from your Seder experience that you want to include in your self-led Seder? What traditions/patterns in your life work? which don't work for you?
(The girls are excited to ride the hotel luggage cart, which they call "shopping cart", and to stay up super late for Passover Seders.)
It's usually counted at the Seder table, that is if you actually do the whole Seder from start to finish. There were young adult years when Seders were that generous luxurious time for exploration and late night singing of that last "next year in Jerusalem." But not here, our Seder order ended with the festive meal, as many families do from lack of interest in the whole exacting deal. Seder actually means "order" and there are 14 steps this at home table ritual. Full of symbolism, interesting objects and foods, the telling of the Haggadah includes stories, laws and songs all intended to elicit discussion. Even guised as "traditional" and viewed by attendees as way too long, these Seders did not complete the order nor fulfill it in more than the most basic reading. Not to say that it wasn't a great way to connect with family nor anything but an amazing feat of a feast. The meal was delicious and the sixty plus family members were wonderful company. The children demonstrated their beautiful singing voices, showed off their day school education in Hebrew fluency and song familiarity and were adorable - including my 2 year olds who each sang the beginning of Ma Nishtana. The Passover production was impressive for its scale, efficacy, beauty and carrying out of traditions. That said, of the four cups, we only poured two. Elijah and Miriam were both ignored, and I felt their absence. And of other steps skipped, we neglected to count the Omer.
I married into a large family that actually has a family club that meets monthly and for annual events in the Detroit suburbs where most still reside. They have enormous pots and pans for mass cooking and everything else needed to make a special and elegant holiday. The aunt and uncle who host Passover actually built their house to accomodate the huge crowd. The Seder takes place in the elegant living room, that more resembles a hotel lobby. Coming from my own family with our own (different) traditions and as a rabbi who has thought lots about my ideal Seder experience (and led some good ones), I can offer a commentary full of compliments and constructive criticism, but for tonight my only comment is this. We didn't count the Omer. How many of you counted the Omer together at Seder last night?
To be fair to the leader, I myself didn't even think about completing the Seder. I was too busy trying to catch up with the cousins and listen out for cries of my children, the new inductees to the basement mayhem.
So tired from the cleaning and kashering and cooking and setting and serving, sometime we lose sight of the spiritual cycle. The big day takes so much out of us, we totally or nearly forget that it is a kick off event, not the end itself. Just like wedding planning it consumes as much time as the engagement allows, preparing for the relationship of marriage is usually neglected. Immersing in the preparation is its own process, and also part of a bigger picture. Pause for an aha moment - that's the story of my with baby triplets. Diapering, feeding, cleaning, dressing the children - it doesn't leave freedom to think, to read, to evaluate. I suppose no matter how little prep we do, those next stages will arrive (God willing) for us to find ourselves in bed counting the Omer seconds before sleep - or having that intimate conversation - or envisioning the children with their own families.
The girls were so wired even at midnight that after jumping on the bed and running around the room I just forced them into their Peapods and locked the zipper (with twist ties - did I ever tell you how they trashed the hotel room in Memphis?) Efforts at crying lasted less then thirty seconds, then they were too tired to try. One second of silence was followed by a wimper from E, then came 2 seconds of silence. I was counting the space in between the crying when I realized that I hadn't counted the first night of the Omer!
More than just counting, before we actually count the day of the Omer (out of 49, listed by days and weeks), we say a bracha (blessing). If you remember to count the Omer at night (when the "day" begins on Jewish time) you begin with the blessing. If you don't count until the next day, then you can't say the blessing. Admittedly I'll be happy if I count to 49 night or day, though I'd love to get all the blessings in. Blessings are special, they are blessings after all.
Tonight I said the bracha in the dark somewhere between Detroit and Chicago, using Omer Counter 2.0 on my iPhone. By then I was sitting in the way back, between Haley and N. One girl wanted me to help her sleep and the other needed me once she awoke.
Earlier in the ride it had been really quiet. I had nothing more to say to the driver and I realized that it was a good time for a talk with myself. I led myself in a little internal Seder of my own. I started with some venting, then went a bit deeper into a section that regrettably was edited out of our Seders, before I bored myself and was ready to eat some chocolate. The Four Children is a section of the telling that I've always loved in text and through numerous artistic depictions. There are four archetypes of children that can be seen as four different types of religious experience, four learning styles, four personalities, or four family roles. In discussing them we try to identify ourselves and get to hear our families thoughts about our self perception. I love that the archetype with which we identify most can change from year to year. I have been the Hacham, the wise child, immersed in Torah Study, fascinated with laws and traditions. I have been the Rasha in more recent years; the one who feels apart from tradition and questions the value of organized religion. For me being the Rasha was questioning faith or feeling mired in struggle without relief that. The all consuming life changing triplet pregnancy and parenthood also casts me as the Tam, the simple one who doesn't know what to ask - or who is indifferent to the answer. Sometimes the thread holding us in the tribe is very thin.
My realization tonight is that this year I relate to the One Who Cannot Ask. In some ways I've lost my voice. Different than when I was younger and learned how my voice had been taken away, then worked on taking it back, now something different is happening. I'm not clear on it all yet, which I remind myself is why the theme of the Omer is "Counting to Clarity". There's no Haggadah that tells me what I'm supposed to say to the world, no written curriculum for my spiritual development and no job description that's a role written for me. I know who I am and, at the same time, I don't know. I don't know what is to come and where I should be so vocal, or where I should listen for guidance. I'm not clear how to let spirit guide me and also act responsibly to my family's financial needs. I am both articulate and also inarticulate. I am both gifted with unique talents and expertise and also need variety and flexibility. I both want to honor what I'm meant to bring to the world and also have some balance and enjoyment. I am both clear about what I stand for and unclear about where my next step will lead.
Thankfully, I have this counting and the season that leads to clarity. One day at at time, I will bless the path from narrowly defined dark enslaved places to the free and clear and bright illuminated destination.
Tonight/today is the second day of the Omer.
For you: what was missing from your Seder experience that you want to include in your self-led Seder? What traditions/patterns in your life work? which don't work for you?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Counting to Clarity (for Tues pm April 19)
The counting begins on the second night of Passover, usually at the Seder itself. I won't post on the holiday days or on Shabbat, so for those days I will (do my best to) write in advance.
Counting to Clarity
My mind starts spinning when I think about Passover’s past and all the momentous moments marked in my life by this holiday. When I steady myself I realize I’ve been hit with a ton of awareness. It’s like Passover itself is a psycho-spiritual reality show and I am the contestants and viewers all.
Senior year of High School Passover arrived right after my Dad became paralyzed and we had Seder in the hospital; it was far from the idyllic feast from years past. Here’s where everything exploded. I encountered existential pain and confusion, and said goodbye to the illusion of coming from a “normal” family. On my own as never before while my mom cared for my dad, without advanced coping skills, I found myself lost. Trauma set off a serious need for re-ordering life that would take years to unfold – and some self medicating to deal until I found the help I needed. Freshman year of college I fell deeper into stuffing my feelings with food and then started to see how I had been compulsively overeating to blur my feelings. My first clean days were during Passover. The religious focus on food was a nice excuse for changing habits. Beyond avoiding chametz, I delved into self awareness, seeking, searching, listening, learning, reading, writing, working it out. For me Passover is my birthday, the anniversary of setting out on my soul’s path of healing.
In the metaphor that life is a spiral, I have a seam at Passover. Year to year, as time spirals onward, Passover bleeps loud and a line of serious life changing events forms. The rest of the year between, I submerge back into cloudiness, unaware even that I’m anticipating a certain surge of soul development. Not that I’m completely blurry at all other times, but markedly less aware of the change that is brewing.
The season stirs up the soul cycle. Spring-into-summer sun light shines first gently then bright, as opposed to the cloud cover and short dark days of winter. The spiritual cycle known as the dark night of the soul demonstrates that our soul lives can go underground to an obscure, opaque place where we can’t perceive them; that is the dark night. When dawn comes, our spiritual journey comes into our sight line again. My soul cycle seems to match the Jewish calendar’s Omer counting that begins with Pesach.
Passover is only the beginning, the first steps out of the darkness. The Omer is seven sets of seven days, each one leading toward the ultimate illumination – revelation itself. Just the act of counting each day, remembering to do this practice for seven weeks is a spiritual practice of building awareness. As we count, the days lengthen,, the buds turn to flowers, the world becomes green and sunny. We take account of what we see, hear, smell, touch, think, feel, sense. We begin to notice desire and direction. With each counting blessing we acknowledge: today is a day, with its own character, its own significance, its own teachers and lessons, gifts and challenges. Today we are one day closer to strength, freedom and clarity. Today we remember years past when clarity emerged out of the clouds.
This Omer season is devoted to counting towards clarity.
Count with me. Count to clarity.
(for Tuesday night April 19) Tonight is the first night of the Omer.
How to count the Omer
Journal: What does Counting to Clarity mean to you? What first comes to mind when you think about clarity? What is clear/true/essential to you? What is un-clear, cloudy, in formation for you? Is there a particular question for which you seek clarity during this Omer period? An issue? Decision?
Counting to Clarity
My mind starts spinning when I think about Passover’s past and all the momentous moments marked in my life by this holiday. When I steady myself I realize I’ve been hit with a ton of awareness. It’s like Passover itself is a psycho-spiritual reality show and I am the contestants and viewers all.
Senior year of High School Passover arrived right after my Dad became paralyzed and we had Seder in the hospital; it was far from the idyllic feast from years past. Here’s where everything exploded. I encountered existential pain and confusion, and said goodbye to the illusion of coming from a “normal” family. On my own as never before while my mom cared for my dad, without advanced coping skills, I found myself lost. Trauma set off a serious need for re-ordering life that would take years to unfold – and some self medicating to deal until I found the help I needed. Freshman year of college I fell deeper into stuffing my feelings with food and then started to see how I had been compulsively overeating to blur my feelings. My first clean days were during Passover. The religious focus on food was a nice excuse for changing habits. Beyond avoiding chametz, I delved into self awareness, seeking, searching, listening, learning, reading, writing, working it out. For me Passover is my birthday, the anniversary of setting out on my soul’s path of healing.
In the metaphor that life is a spiral, I have a seam at Passover. Year to year, as time spirals onward, Passover bleeps loud and a line of serious life changing events forms. The rest of the year between, I submerge back into cloudiness, unaware even that I’m anticipating a certain surge of soul development. Not that I’m completely blurry at all other times, but markedly less aware of the change that is brewing.
The season stirs up the soul cycle. Spring-into-summer sun light shines first gently then bright, as opposed to the cloud cover and short dark days of winter. The spiritual cycle known as the dark night of the soul demonstrates that our soul lives can go underground to an obscure, opaque place where we can’t perceive them; that is the dark night. When dawn comes, our spiritual journey comes into our sight line again. My soul cycle seems to match the Jewish calendar’s Omer counting that begins with Pesach.
Passover is only the beginning, the first steps out of the darkness. The Omer is seven sets of seven days, each one leading toward the ultimate illumination – revelation itself. Just the act of counting each day, remembering to do this practice for seven weeks is a spiritual practice of building awareness. As we count, the days lengthen,, the buds turn to flowers, the world becomes green and sunny. We take account of what we see, hear, smell, touch, think, feel, sense. We begin to notice desire and direction. With each counting blessing we acknowledge: today is a day, with its own character, its own significance, its own teachers and lessons, gifts and challenges. Today we are one day closer to strength, freedom and clarity. Today we remember years past when clarity emerged out of the clouds.
This Omer season is devoted to counting towards clarity.
Count with me. Count to clarity.
(for Tuesday night April 19) Tonight is the first night of the Omer.
How to count the Omer
Journal: What does Counting to Clarity mean to you? What first comes to mind when you think about clarity? What is clear/true/essential to you? What is un-clear, cloudy, in formation for you? Is there a particular question for which you seek clarity during this Omer period? An issue? Decision?
Saturday, May 15, 2010
47 - Counting/Story
There's a direct connection between counting, taking account, then recounting the story. The Hebrew words for counting and story are the same; save some vowels the three letter root (SPR) is identical. L'saper is “to count”; l'seepoor is “to tell a story”. That's what this whole OOCC thing has been about, counting the days of the omer, taking account of daily developments and illustrating conclusions and connections with stories.
Another level of word play connects counting with God. Sefira, the word for counting, is also the word used in Kabbalah for divine personality attributes. Both above, in the Divine realm, and below, in the earthly human realm, these emanations enumerate ten. Layered over an image of the body, the sefirot illustrate connections between the physical and the spiritual. Multiple pathways lead between all combinations of the sefirot (plural for sefira) and the entire Alef-Bet labels the paths. In the visual image of the system, one can imagine movement on the paths - the letters forming words forming phrases that unfold into written stories, spoken too.
While I have been paying attention and hoping for some end of counting revelation, the truth is that each day of counting brings its own merit. Finding words to match feelings, stories to illustrate belief, and the ability to hit “publish” is demonstration that a light is on inside. Each day a chapter of the omer book, together they may have a unified theme or may be a collection. We're not quite at the end yet, conclusions are premature. A reminder to count each day as a whole, to be present for the glimmers and flashes.
With 2 days left of the omer, I'm taking requests for topics and hope you'll post them as a comment. ....And next week we'll see what comes, and how we'll continue making life count after this project culminates.
Today is the 47th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Another level of word play connects counting with God. Sefira, the word for counting, is also the word used in Kabbalah for divine personality attributes. Both above, in the Divine realm, and below, in the earthly human realm, these emanations enumerate ten. Layered over an image of the body, the sefirot illustrate connections between the physical and the spiritual. Multiple pathways lead between all combinations of the sefirot (plural for sefira) and the entire Alef-Bet labels the paths. In the visual image of the system, one can imagine movement on the paths - the letters forming words forming phrases that unfold into written stories, spoken too.
While I have been paying attention and hoping for some end of counting revelation, the truth is that each day of counting brings its own merit. Finding words to match feelings, stories to illustrate belief, and the ability to hit “publish” is demonstration that a light is on inside. Each day a chapter of the omer book, together they may have a unified theme or may be a collection. We're not quite at the end yet, conclusions are premature. A reminder to count each day as a whole, to be present for the glimmers and flashes.
With 2 days left of the omer, I'm taking requests for topics and hope you'll post them as a comment. ....And next week we'll see what comes, and how we'll continue making life count after this project culminates.
Today is the 47th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Monday, May 3, 2010
34 No Knot Days (for Sara)
With a definite bias towards partnering people up in marriage, it is a bit strange that Judaism has black out days for weddings. Yep, we do. Basically the first thirty-three days of the Omer are no knot days, though they're not the only ones throughout the year. Biblically these days were the path from exodus from Egypt to revelation at Mt. Sinai, a trying trek marked by uncertainty and fear. Later history layered on mourning for 24,000 Torah students of Rabbi Akiva and another host of historical trauma. The 33rd day marked a change for the better and became an Israeli bonfire BBQ celebration called Lag B'Omer (the alpha-numerics for 33 is lamed (L=30) gimel(G=3), abbreviated as “Lag”). With exceptions, many Jewish communities permit weddings only on and after Lag B'Omer. A lenient ruling completes the mourning observances after Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day) prior to Lag B'Omer; still, some restrict the entire seven weeks.
The funeral procession always stops for a simcha. We never ignore joyous occasions to sit in our sorrow. When a simcha has been scheduled and a tragedy happens we don't delay the wedding, though we modify the form of celebration. From the start though, wedding planning considers cyclical times of mourning and we prevent schedule conflicts. The joy should be as pure as possible.
Weddings are supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. That's what the bridal business sells us. The emotions are much more complex and logistically it is not a carefree day. Having officiated at many weddings I know that sadness often makes its appearance at some point on the wedding day. Lots of brides and grooms stand under the chuppah without the parents and grandparents they always imagined would be there. So that sadness doesn't overwhelm, we separate the calendar date away from mourning periods and we create a space outside of the chuppah to remember the love and hopes and dreams of the parents who died before their child's wedding day. Pre-wedding rituals can be designed to draw up the love and soul connection so all the blessings of love and beautiful memories brighten the day.
There's an element of loss in every new beginning so that's not enough excuse to inhibit weddings; more than the mourning, the emotional quality of omer is instability. Wandering in the wilderness, looking backwards at the familiar landscape of suffering, dealing with major trust issues – these are not appropriate activities for entering a covenant. The midrash tells that God had to hold the mountain over our ancestors' heads until they agreed to accept the Torah. Until they got to Sinai they were not ready to create that covenant with God. Couples create a loving covenant of marriage under the chuppah, and the choice to enter must be clear. This is a moment of arrival, of acceptance and of faith which can only occur after revelation. The bright light of blessing illuminates clarity, certainty and commitment – necessary companions to love.
The Baal Shem Tov said:From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.
The seven weeks of the omer are a spiritual practice of preparation, a powerful tool towards transformation. At the end, each individual alone stands at Sinai to be initiated into the community of Israel, to be blessed by the stream of divine light. Open to receiving instruction and direction and illumination from the Source of all blessing, we pray that our choices create closeness in relationship with our beloved, with our families, with our friends. Seven cycles of seven, the fullness of full, wholeness of the whole, light joining light. Be'sha'ah tova, this is the hour of goodness!
Today is the 34th day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 6 days. Let the wedding season begin - mazal tov!
The funeral procession always stops for a simcha. We never ignore joyous occasions to sit in our sorrow. When a simcha has been scheduled and a tragedy happens we don't delay the wedding, though we modify the form of celebration. From the start though, wedding planning considers cyclical times of mourning and we prevent schedule conflicts. The joy should be as pure as possible.
Weddings are supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. That's what the bridal business sells us. The emotions are much more complex and logistically it is not a carefree day. Having officiated at many weddings I know that sadness often makes its appearance at some point on the wedding day. Lots of brides and grooms stand under the chuppah without the parents and grandparents they always imagined would be there. So that sadness doesn't overwhelm, we separate the calendar date away from mourning periods and we create a space outside of the chuppah to remember the love and hopes and dreams of the parents who died before their child's wedding day. Pre-wedding rituals can be designed to draw up the love and soul connection so all the blessings of love and beautiful memories brighten the day.
There's an element of loss in every new beginning so that's not enough excuse to inhibit weddings; more than the mourning, the emotional quality of omer is instability. Wandering in the wilderness, looking backwards at the familiar landscape of suffering, dealing with major trust issues – these are not appropriate activities for entering a covenant. The midrash tells that God had to hold the mountain over our ancestors' heads until they agreed to accept the Torah. Until they got to Sinai they were not ready to create that covenant with God. Couples create a loving covenant of marriage under the chuppah, and the choice to enter must be clear. This is a moment of arrival, of acceptance and of faith which can only occur after revelation. The bright light of blessing illuminates clarity, certainty and commitment – necessary companions to love.
The Baal Shem Tov said:From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.
The seven weeks of the omer are a spiritual practice of preparation, a powerful tool towards transformation. At the end, each individual alone stands at Sinai to be initiated into the community of Israel, to be blessed by the stream of divine light. Open to receiving instruction and direction and illumination from the Source of all blessing, we pray that our choices create closeness in relationship with our beloved, with our families, with our friends. Seven cycles of seven, the fullness of full, wholeness of the whole, light joining light. Be'sha'ah tova, this is the hour of goodness!
Today is the 34th day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 6 days. Let the wedding season begin - mazal tov!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
26 Count Out Loud
Some people have to count out loud to process what they know or see to be true. For example, the walkers-by noticing my triplets who count aloud “one – two – three – there are three of them!” For more on funny reactions we encounter every day watch this video.
Setting the table often requires several verbal re-counts of bodies just to be sure, even when I know the guest list in advance. Setting the table or preparing the home for quests is a metaphor often used for Spiritual Direction. One of my spiritual director's considered herself an accompanist for her directees. Silent contemplation is an importance piece of spiritual direction; like Shabbat, it is the pause that contrasts with the music of our souls, the speaking words that bring us into awareness of God's precense, or the soul stirring within.
I like that speaking out loud is a Jewish spiritual practice. When I find myself talking out loud I normalize it within the spiritual teachings Jewish meditation and prayer. With the omer, silent counting isn't proper and counting before the change of day is not effective; it must be after sunset on the new day (at nighttime in accordance with way Jewish 'days' begin and end at night) and out loud. And we don't just say the number. We say the blessing, the number of days, then how many weeks and days. After that, why wouldn't we just keep talking till we find a spiritual lesson, kind of like I am writing my reflections here?
Hitbodedut is the spiritual practice of being alone with God, often in nature at night, and pouring one's heart out with words. Access to the heart of the matter isn't instantaneous, so Rebbe Nahman of Bratslav teaches that you just open your mouth and start talking. You keep talking and talking and eventually you get to whatever it is that you need to say and express from your heart. You could start with “this is so silly, me standing here alone, talking out loud. For what? Who am I talking to? Do I even believe in God? Is anyone listening? God has never answered me before so what's the point? ...But it is beautiful out here. And quiet. And something is special about it.” Keep going. You start with where ever you are, whatever is on your mind. Keep it simple, as if conversing with a trusted friend, flowing from one topic to the next. What may start as awkward become quite enjoyable and enriching.
Noticing what is moving in one's life, where the heart is tugging, how you are being transformed, getting curious about the seeking of your soul, these are found in the sacred silence of Spiritual Direction, and also in the sound of conversations with ourselves, with nature, with God. Omer counting is a deliberate following of the soul's journey over 49 days, from bondage to revelation. Sound and language merge levels of creation and connect the physical realm of creation and building with our mental and spiritual processes. Counting aloud helps move the intent from inner to outer, through the vehicle of voice, of body. In silence we can hide from truth, with mouths open we speak, we hear, we listen, we hone our expression more and more to truth and reality. Say it ain't so, say it, speak it, sing it!
Aloud: Today is the 26th day of the Omer, 3 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Continue with some hitbodedut. If it helps to get the flow going with your voice, play your favorite music and sing along with abandon. Find a place alone (safe of course), set your intention to speak with your Creator (the God of your understanding) and start talking. Let yourself move from one topic to the next, trying to be honest, explaining yourself, your thoughts, asking questions, arguing, thanking... everything. When you're done, sit in silence to reflect. And consider sharing a bit about your experience here.
Setting the table often requires several verbal re-counts of bodies just to be sure, even when I know the guest list in advance. Setting the table or preparing the home for quests is a metaphor often used for Spiritual Direction. One of my spiritual director's considered herself an accompanist for her directees. Silent contemplation is an importance piece of spiritual direction; like Shabbat, it is the pause that contrasts with the music of our souls, the speaking words that bring us into awareness of God's precense, or the soul stirring within.
I like that speaking out loud is a Jewish spiritual practice. When I find myself talking out loud I normalize it within the spiritual teachings Jewish meditation and prayer. With the omer, silent counting isn't proper and counting before the change of day is not effective; it must be after sunset on the new day (at nighttime in accordance with way Jewish 'days' begin and end at night) and out loud. And we don't just say the number. We say the blessing, the number of days, then how many weeks and days. After that, why wouldn't we just keep talking till we find a spiritual lesson, kind of like I am writing my reflections here?
Hitbodedut is the spiritual practice of being alone with God, often in nature at night, and pouring one's heart out with words. Access to the heart of the matter isn't instantaneous, so Rebbe Nahman of Bratslav teaches that you just open your mouth and start talking. You keep talking and talking and eventually you get to whatever it is that you need to say and express from your heart. You could start with “this is so silly, me standing here alone, talking out loud. For what? Who am I talking to? Do I even believe in God? Is anyone listening? God has never answered me before so what's the point? ...But it is beautiful out here. And quiet. And something is special about it.” Keep going. You start with where ever you are, whatever is on your mind. Keep it simple, as if conversing with a trusted friend, flowing from one topic to the next. What may start as awkward become quite enjoyable and enriching.
Noticing what is moving in one's life, where the heart is tugging, how you are being transformed, getting curious about the seeking of your soul, these are found in the sacred silence of Spiritual Direction, and also in the sound of conversations with ourselves, with nature, with God. Omer counting is a deliberate following of the soul's journey over 49 days, from bondage to revelation. Sound and language merge levels of creation and connect the physical realm of creation and building with our mental and spiritual processes. Counting aloud helps move the intent from inner to outer, through the vehicle of voice, of body. In silence we can hide from truth, with mouths open we speak, we hear, we listen, we hone our expression more and more to truth and reality. Say it ain't so, say it, speak it, sing it!
Aloud: Today is the 26th day of the Omer, 3 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Continue with some hitbodedut. If it helps to get the flow going with your voice, play your favorite music and sing along with abandon. Find a place alone (safe of course), set your intention to speak with your Creator (the God of your understanding) and start talking. Let yourself move from one topic to the next, trying to be honest, explaining yourself, your thoughts, asking questions, arguing, thanking... everything. When you're done, sit in silence to reflect. And consider sharing a bit about your experience here.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
19 - Free Soul
Let me linger with this great combo of community and combo of comfort - extra life with day 18 and extra soul, neshama yeteirah, that arrives for each Shabbat. Would kind of like to stay and extend the 18=chai=life omer day that coincided with Shabbat today. Enjoyed the best of both worlds: Netivot/Pathways davenning my favorite way, then kiddush lunch with the rest of the community, friends, congregants, and my dad.
First, about favorites. While teaching this morning I noticed that I was repeating the phrase “one of my favorite _______”; noticing the words we repeat is an important reflective tool for teachers. As soon as I spotted the pattern I shared with the Netivot/Pathways participants that this is where I bring all of my favorites. Its true. My favorite chants, my favorite meditation techniques, my favorite spiritual teachings. My favorite movements chosen to stretch and stir body, mind and soul, emotions and energy too. Netivot is designed to be an experience of Shabbat in the truest sense, with the inner reflection and all-level presence to the sacred within and within all. My favorite way to spend Shabbat morning, deep in striving with minyan members all completely at choice with being there.
And about community. The impetus to create Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing (when I first jotted notes in 2000 and when I first offered a synagogue-based center in 2003 and as I continue to offer a non-center based sessions) was always to acknowledge everyone's unique pathway to soul and wisdom. Constantly moving on our own path, the traditional Jewish prayer service is not the place for everyone, at all times, to connect spiritually. The synagogue should still be a place to connect with community. Netivot/Pathways provides an alternative spiritual home base, often within a synagogue community. More than just another service a community can offer, it does the work of building community and catalyzing healing.
A natural center of community, temples and synagogues must serve lots of needs, and my contention is and always has been that the spiritual is primary. So clearly I remember reviewing the Mission Statement of a synagogue where I worked (there have been three so no need to assume it was one or the other) and looking again and again for any of the following: God, soul, spiritual. They were completely missing and sorely absent; it took about a year for me to provoke a re-write. No matter what the other missions are – Israel, social action, education, youth – aligning soul with service and service with soul is the key to effectiveness. Focusing on anything other without being true to soul is a dangerous shortcut. It may be easier, or quicker, or initially seem more accessible, but make no mistake soul must be at the center.
Netivot/Pathways throughout the years has offered multiple pathways for souls seeking wisdom. Already welcomed by synagogues, seminaries, youth groups, day schools, educator's groups, Hillels and Federations, my vision is that the Jewish community recognizes the need and supports my new model. Among the pathways are: Pathways Shabbatot across the country, Detox Rav Yoga, healing services and workshops, bereavement groups, Rav Yoga, Refu'ah Yoga, Jewish Spiritual Direction, Yoga Eema prenatal yoga, family Tefilla Yoga, Finding Your Soul Mate groups, High Holiday Institute, monthly Shabbat Netivot/Pathways, 12 Step Torah, and Tefila Yoga.
Tefila Yoga fuses the wisdoms of Judaism and yoga, breathing and moving prayerfully with yoga postures that match the kavanah (intent) of the siddur service prayers. Lauded by both experienced davveners (Jews fluent in traditional Jewish prayer) and those with less fluency or affinity for traditional prayer techniques, Tefila Yoga is a meeting place for both. When Orthodox and traditional pray-ers attend Tefila Yoga they go back to their minyan routine with added awareness and dimensions of spiritual experience and often a new appreciation for yoga wisdom. When people attracted to the yoga element attend, an accessible and relevant portal to Jewish prayer wisdom becomes part of their experience on the mat and also opens a point of connection for future davenning experiences of whatever type.
Such a blessing for me, and from me, Netivot/Pathways has been running High Holiday services for the past four years and Shabbat sessions for the past four months (in Chicago at Anshe Emet Synagogue). Returning to my roots of personal practice joined by amazing participants is fabulous. Recent years I was practicing baby asanas (i.e.diaper change asana) and embracing that asana while recovering from the effects of the triplet pregnancy. Far from my professional precedent of the early years of my career (ten years ago!), a conscious choice to open myself personally has deepened my work, attracted lovely followers and freed me to follow my soul in service.
Now I am ready to move into a new day. Today is day 19 of the Omer! That is 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Inspiration for today:
Learn about Sacred Activism (if you only want a short preview ff to 4:54 and watch that last piece)
More about soul and service with my favorite yoga instructor, the world renowned Seane Corn.
Support Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing – are you being called to support this work? I'm looking for your support in the forms of professional expertise, promotion, seeking great spaces, seeking invitations, seeking funding so we can take it to the next level and beyond. Contact me so we can talk.
First, about favorites. While teaching this morning I noticed that I was repeating the phrase “one of my favorite _______”; noticing the words we repeat is an important reflective tool for teachers. As soon as I spotted the pattern I shared with the Netivot/Pathways participants that this is where I bring all of my favorites. Its true. My favorite chants, my favorite meditation techniques, my favorite spiritual teachings. My favorite movements chosen to stretch and stir body, mind and soul, emotions and energy too. Netivot is designed to be an experience of Shabbat in the truest sense, with the inner reflection and all-level presence to the sacred within and within all. My favorite way to spend Shabbat morning, deep in striving with minyan members all completely at choice with being there.
And about community. The impetus to create Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing (when I first jotted notes in 2000 and when I first offered a synagogue-based center in 2003 and as I continue to offer a non-center based sessions) was always to acknowledge everyone's unique pathway to soul and wisdom. Constantly moving on our own path, the traditional Jewish prayer service is not the place for everyone, at all times, to connect spiritually. The synagogue should still be a place to connect with community. Netivot/Pathways provides an alternative spiritual home base, often within a synagogue community. More than just another service a community can offer, it does the work of building community and catalyzing healing.
A natural center of community, temples and synagogues must serve lots of needs, and my contention is and always has been that the spiritual is primary. So clearly I remember reviewing the Mission Statement of a synagogue where I worked (there have been three so no need to assume it was one or the other) and looking again and again for any of the following: God, soul, spiritual. They were completely missing and sorely absent; it took about a year for me to provoke a re-write. No matter what the other missions are – Israel, social action, education, youth – aligning soul with service and service with soul is the key to effectiveness. Focusing on anything other without being true to soul is a dangerous shortcut. It may be easier, or quicker, or initially seem more accessible, but make no mistake soul must be at the center.
Netivot/Pathways throughout the years has offered multiple pathways for souls seeking wisdom. Already welcomed by synagogues, seminaries, youth groups, day schools, educator's groups, Hillels and Federations, my vision is that the Jewish community recognizes the need and supports my new model. Among the pathways are: Pathways Shabbatot across the country, Detox Rav Yoga, healing services and workshops, bereavement groups, Rav Yoga, Refu'ah Yoga, Jewish Spiritual Direction, Yoga Eema prenatal yoga, family Tefilla Yoga, Finding Your Soul Mate groups, High Holiday Institute, monthly Shabbat Netivot/Pathways, 12 Step Torah, and Tefila Yoga.
Tefila Yoga fuses the wisdoms of Judaism and yoga, breathing and moving prayerfully with yoga postures that match the kavanah (intent) of the siddur service prayers. Lauded by both experienced davveners (Jews fluent in traditional Jewish prayer) and those with less fluency or affinity for traditional prayer techniques, Tefila Yoga is a meeting place for both. When Orthodox and traditional pray-ers attend Tefila Yoga they go back to their minyan routine with added awareness and dimensions of spiritual experience and often a new appreciation for yoga wisdom. When people attracted to the yoga element attend, an accessible and relevant portal to Jewish prayer wisdom becomes part of their experience on the mat and also opens a point of connection for future davenning experiences of whatever type.
Such a blessing for me, and from me, Netivot/Pathways has been running High Holiday services for the past four years and Shabbat sessions for the past four months (in Chicago at Anshe Emet Synagogue). Returning to my roots of personal practice joined by amazing participants is fabulous. Recent years I was practicing baby asanas (i.e.diaper change asana) and embracing that asana while recovering from the effects of the triplet pregnancy. Far from my professional precedent of the early years of my career (ten years ago!), a conscious choice to open myself personally has deepened my work, attracted lovely followers and freed me to follow my soul in service.
Now I am ready to move into a new day. Today is day 19 of the Omer! That is 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Inspiration for today:
Learn about Sacred Activism (if you only want a short preview ff to 4:54 and watch that last piece)
More about soul and service with my favorite yoga instructor, the world renowned Seane Corn.
Support Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing – are you being called to support this work? I'm looking for your support in the forms of professional expertise, promotion, seeking great spaces, seeking invitations, seeking funding so we can take it to the next level and beyond. Contact me so we can talk.
Friday, April 16, 2010
18 - Counting of a Different Kind
Counting of a Different Kind: Anticipating the Omer
written and originally published in April 2009
Last year was different in a whole lot of ways. Every Passover I resolve to succeed at counting the Omer daily. How hard could it be to count 49 days? It starts out easy at the Seder on the second night. Today is the first day of the Omer. All I have to do is remember to say one sentence each day for the next 48 days, those leading up to the next major Jewish holiday Shavuot. Every year I failed; it seems the challenge wasn't big enough or meaningful enough for me to take so seriously. After all Shavuot would arrive seven weeks later whether or not I was counting days.
Last year counting was a matter of life and death. Counting is a serious thing. A superstitious Jewish custom forbids counting people as numbering lives diminishes them. This wisdom came long before the Shoah when the Nazis tattooed numbers for name replacements on our people's arms. At the same time, we encourage community and require ten people gathered for most prayer services, and even three for an official opening to the grace after meals.
In ancient times these days between Passover and Shavuot were a time of uncertainty and a struggle of hope and faith and fear and longing. My ancestors in the wilderness left slavery for a promising yet precarious future and they marched on through the desert motivated by a glimmer of redemption that they didn't fully expect. When we look back today, we know that the reward was the revelation of Torah on Shavuot, but they did not know that. Their grumbling and faltering shows that they barely believed, nor expected a gift of any sort.
One year ago Passover I was in my 25th week of pregnancy with triplets. Most people count months of pregnancy but when you are carrying triplets you actually count days. Zero percent of triplet pregnancies make it full term, and they are so fragile that there is a high chance of spontaneous abortion until you reach 20 weeks. Fifty percent of triplet pregnancies are delivered by 32 weeks, minimally eight weeks premature. Until 28 weeks gestation chances of survival are tiny, and the likelihood of serious life altering complications are great. Every single day the babies stay inside the womb and grow increases their chances for life and for health.
Once the 20 week mark went by I took a breath - just one. Then I looked at the calendar and set my next goal. Instead of the 28 week mark, I would switch to the Jewish calendar, striving to count through the entire period of the Omer and through Shavuot. That would put me at exactly 33 weeks. From there I would reevaluate and set a new goal.
In contrast to years past, all I could do last year was count. I counted another day of keeping my babies alive, another day for them to grow, another day for building fat reserves to keep them warm, another day for their lungs to develop so they could hopefully breathe on their own. Each day in the womb reduces the days in the NICU by multiples.
When we held our first Seder I was 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my triplets. I was already confined to home, barely able to walk, triplet heavy with babies. My belly was already the size of a full term singleton pregnancy. Instead of a cloth napkin I used a table cloth. I counted my weight gain. I counted the clothes I outgrew. I counted the vitamins I swallowed. I labored over breath. I had few moments of sleep or comfort the entire pregnancy.
I counted to keep myself going. I did not know how much I could endure nor what outcome would befall me or when. I was at the mercy of fate and fellow. I had no choice but to let people help, to force a smile on my pained face to offer thanks for food delivered, meals served. It is difficult now for me to recount the details and to face the reality that I endured. Triplet pregnancies are amazing and all, but they are not pretty. As my doctor said again and again, bodies aren't made to carry three babies. It is miraculous that my uterus accommodated three babies, yet no cell of my being managed to make it through unaffected.
I went into labor towards the end of Shavuot. Even though I reached my goal of completing the Omer counting, 33 weeks was still too soon. As much as I wanted to meet these babies, I wanted them to grow bigger inside me even if it meant tolerating more hugeness and more heaviness and more hell. If I were to be really honest about the whole thing I would tell you in detail how I lost all my dignity, how vanity and self were decimated as I surrendered moment by moment with determination to do right by these souls.
Writing these words, I cannot continue to be present to the teary memories of those thirty-three weeks and the four days that followed, so I fast forward until Shabbat arrived with an eerie yet elegant air of serenity. The Shabbat Queen surely entered and changed the quality of time as I enjoyed dinner with my husband, step-daughter and father-in-law. The next morning I awoke to silence and sunrise over Lake Michigan. Upon awakening I couldn't predict that counting days was complete and by the next morning and for the rest of my life I would be counting in threes. Counting with confidence in the outcome is relegated to the past. Now I do not expect that just because I am counting the revelation will be granted. Far from simple, when we begin to count we cannot expect we will reach completion. When each day is a matter of life or death, we must count carefully and consciously.
Tonight, Friday April 16, 2010, after Shabbat arrives it will be the 18th day of the Omer. 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer. 18, chai, life!
Thank you for participating in the Online Omer Counting Community, for reading, for following, for sharing your comments and sharing with your friends. Shabbat Shalom!
written and originally published in April 2009
Last year was different in a whole lot of ways. Every Passover I resolve to succeed at counting the Omer daily. How hard could it be to count 49 days? It starts out easy at the Seder on the second night. Today is the first day of the Omer. All I have to do is remember to say one sentence each day for the next 48 days, those leading up to the next major Jewish holiday Shavuot. Every year I failed; it seems the challenge wasn't big enough or meaningful enough for me to take so seriously. After all Shavuot would arrive seven weeks later whether or not I was counting days.
Last year counting was a matter of life and death. Counting is a serious thing. A superstitious Jewish custom forbids counting people as numbering lives diminishes them. This wisdom came long before the Shoah when the Nazis tattooed numbers for name replacements on our people's arms. At the same time, we encourage community and require ten people gathered for most prayer services, and even three for an official opening to the grace after meals.
In ancient times these days between Passover and Shavuot were a time of uncertainty and a struggle of hope and faith and fear and longing. My ancestors in the wilderness left slavery for a promising yet precarious future and they marched on through the desert motivated by a glimmer of redemption that they didn't fully expect. When we look back today, we know that the reward was the revelation of Torah on Shavuot, but they did not know that. Their grumbling and faltering shows that they barely believed, nor expected a gift of any sort.
One year ago Passover I was in my 25th week of pregnancy with triplets. Most people count months of pregnancy but when you are carrying triplets you actually count days. Zero percent of triplet pregnancies make it full term, and they are so fragile that there is a high chance of spontaneous abortion until you reach 20 weeks. Fifty percent of triplet pregnancies are delivered by 32 weeks, minimally eight weeks premature. Until 28 weeks gestation chances of survival are tiny, and the likelihood of serious life altering complications are great. Every single day the babies stay inside the womb and grow increases their chances for life and for health.
Once the 20 week mark went by I took a breath - just one. Then I looked at the calendar and set my next goal. Instead of the 28 week mark, I would switch to the Jewish calendar, striving to count through the entire period of the Omer and through Shavuot. That would put me at exactly 33 weeks. From there I would reevaluate and set a new goal.
In contrast to years past, all I could do last year was count. I counted another day of keeping my babies alive, another day for them to grow, another day for building fat reserves to keep them warm, another day for their lungs to develop so they could hopefully breathe on their own. Each day in the womb reduces the days in the NICU by multiples.
When we held our first Seder I was 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my triplets. I was already confined to home, barely able to walk, triplet heavy with babies. My belly was already the size of a full term singleton pregnancy. Instead of a cloth napkin I used a table cloth. I counted my weight gain. I counted the clothes I outgrew. I counted the vitamins I swallowed. I labored over breath. I had few moments of sleep or comfort the entire pregnancy.
I counted to keep myself going. I did not know how much I could endure nor what outcome would befall me or when. I was at the mercy of fate and fellow. I had no choice but to let people help, to force a smile on my pained face to offer thanks for food delivered, meals served. It is difficult now for me to recount the details and to face the reality that I endured. Triplet pregnancies are amazing and all, but they are not pretty. As my doctor said again and again, bodies aren't made to carry three babies. It is miraculous that my uterus accommodated three babies, yet no cell of my being managed to make it through unaffected.
I went into labor towards the end of Shavuot. Even though I reached my goal of completing the Omer counting, 33 weeks was still too soon. As much as I wanted to meet these babies, I wanted them to grow bigger inside me even if it meant tolerating more hugeness and more heaviness and more hell. If I were to be really honest about the whole thing I would tell you in detail how I lost all my dignity, how vanity and self were decimated as I surrendered moment by moment with determination to do right by these souls.
Writing these words, I cannot continue to be present to the teary memories of those thirty-three weeks and the four days that followed, so I fast forward until Shabbat arrived with an eerie yet elegant air of serenity. The Shabbat Queen surely entered and changed the quality of time as I enjoyed dinner with my husband, step-daughter and father-in-law. The next morning I awoke to silence and sunrise over Lake Michigan. Upon awakening I couldn't predict that counting days was complete and by the next morning and for the rest of my life I would be counting in threes. Counting with confidence in the outcome is relegated to the past. Now I do not expect that just because I am counting the revelation will be granted. Far from simple, when we begin to count we cannot expect we will reach completion. When each day is a matter of life or death, we must count carefully and consciously.
Tonight, Friday April 16, 2010, after Shabbat arrives it will be the 18th day of the Omer. 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer. 18, chai, life!
Thank you for participating in the Online Omer Counting Community, for reading, for following, for sharing your comments and sharing with your friends. Shabbat Shalom!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
16 - Lessons on Kabbalah
Thought I'd arrived in the looney bin the way all five veterinary staff were oohing and ahhing and baby-talking to my dog as we stepped through the threshold of the office. Really, they were going ga-ga about how cute, how sweet, how excited he was, each of them calling him by name. It seemed way over the top and was more gooey affection than I think the dog has ever received.
When I walk into the pediatrician's office with my truly gush-worthy adorable triplets the staff barely even says hello. They have never greeted me much less my children with more than a glance. Aware of the numerous issues, I have made every attempt to make nice, introduce myself, ask for their names, call them by name. Once I even brought chocolate for the front staff. Still, no smiles, no love. What's wrong with this picture?
The beauty of this omer counting practice is that I can't do it prematurely. The mitzvah requires counting after nightfall which cultivates a certain waiting and listening for the message to become clear. Just like the practice of Spiritual Direction cultivates discernment. Sure, this morning I was sure that I could write a whole entry about how I no longer think dogs are people, even though they might think themselves human, and that with huge expenses and time demands from four children my dogs have been demoted back to canines.
One story I will still share is how I responded aghast to someone who asked while I was pregnant what we would do with the dogs once the triplets arrived. “What will you do with your child when you have another one?” I questioned. Ha! Now it's time for me to admit that I was illusional. Mea culpa. S'licha. During one near breakdown during the first survival year, with great awareness of my limited resources – time, money and sanity, I decided the dogs were done. My first baby and her adopted buddy had become a burden I couldn't bear so my husband claimed sole responsibility for their care. Still here, there's no chance they'll get to go to day care as my vet suggested today unless I can easily afford to enroll my real human children in classes.
Earlier I honked at a car that was picking up speed driving in the shoulder and possibly pulling out into my lane and her pedestrian friend yelled out a nasty comment to me. Before that I stopped at a green light for an imminently approaching ambulance and the car in the left lane gunned it through the intersection. Things like this make me so mad. Not road rage mad, just frustrated and sad. Why are people so on edge? Or so indifferent?
I trust my childrens' lives to the pediatrician's office and they can't even bring themselves to smile and be friendly. When I call with an issue I have to leave a message and it takes hours to get a call back; the vet office talked to me right then, and called me back exactly when promised with a message from the doc. They scheduled me for the very next morning; getting an urgent appointment at the pediatrician's office takes pressure, sometimes a demand. Several times my attempts failed and I had to go to the ER with a $150 co-pay (per child!) because the pediatric practice schedule was full. Many times I have considered switching offices and probably will do it one day, but I love our doctor. She is the reason we chose this practice and the reason we stay.
The contrast between the Veterinary Office and the Pediatrician's office is stark. Although I try to shy away from politics this is surely about health care policy and our country's priorities. Backed up by the huge rise in pets given up for adoption because their owners can't afford to feed themselves in this economy let alone feed their pets, I know pet ownership is a luxury. And this veterinary office has more art on the walls than my childrens' pediatric office.
Health care for humans is not a luxury, it is a right. And providers should be just as excited and eager to see each patient as these crazy animal people are to see my hyper dog. An enthusiastic reception from my vet people shouldn't be such a surprise. Service like that should be expected and required from all health care providers – especially those who treat humans, who save our lives and support our return to health. Medicine is medical, I get that, yet people are more than bodies. We are souls and need to be treated as such.
In Hebrew the word for reception (such as at a hotel) is kabbalah. Hospitality is implied in every meeting and greeting. Within the word is the action of welcoming the person who approaches with the same mystical and sacred intent as with which we receive revelation, light, and all the greatest gifts. That is how my dog was greeted today and should be how we each greet each other in every instance.
And, for this 16th day, two weeks and 2 days of the omer, I offer a blessing for justice and dignity, for honor and love. For every member of our human family, and also for our animal friends.
Today is the 16th day of the Omer.
Practice: It's a good time to practice breathing. In. Out. Slower inhale, slower exhale. Deeper inhale, deeper exhale. Inhale peace and goodness, exhale and let go, release. Breath life, your soul. Follow the circle of life in and out of your body, with curious attention to your breath. With each breath, relax a different part of your body, beginning with the top of your head, slowly through each area, all the way to your toes. Let balance and love and compassion establish themselves in your present moment.
When I walk into the pediatrician's office with my truly gush-worthy adorable triplets the staff barely even says hello. They have never greeted me much less my children with more than a glance. Aware of the numerous issues, I have made every attempt to make nice, introduce myself, ask for their names, call them by name. Once I even brought chocolate for the front staff. Still, no smiles, no love. What's wrong with this picture?
The beauty of this omer counting practice is that I can't do it prematurely. The mitzvah requires counting after nightfall which cultivates a certain waiting and listening for the message to become clear. Just like the practice of Spiritual Direction cultivates discernment. Sure, this morning I was sure that I could write a whole entry about how I no longer think dogs are people, even though they might think themselves human, and that with huge expenses and time demands from four children my dogs have been demoted back to canines.
One story I will still share is how I responded aghast to someone who asked while I was pregnant what we would do with the dogs once the triplets arrived. “What will you do with your child when you have another one?” I questioned. Ha! Now it's time for me to admit that I was illusional. Mea culpa. S'licha. During one near breakdown during the first survival year, with great awareness of my limited resources – time, money and sanity, I decided the dogs were done. My first baby and her adopted buddy had become a burden I couldn't bear so my husband claimed sole responsibility for their care. Still here, there's no chance they'll get to go to day care as my vet suggested today unless I can easily afford to enroll my real human children in classes.
Earlier I honked at a car that was picking up speed driving in the shoulder and possibly pulling out into my lane and her pedestrian friend yelled out a nasty comment to me. Before that I stopped at a green light for an imminently approaching ambulance and the car in the left lane gunned it through the intersection. Things like this make me so mad. Not road rage mad, just frustrated and sad. Why are people so on edge? Or so indifferent?
I trust my childrens' lives to the pediatrician's office and they can't even bring themselves to smile and be friendly. When I call with an issue I have to leave a message and it takes hours to get a call back; the vet office talked to me right then, and called me back exactly when promised with a message from the doc. They scheduled me for the very next morning; getting an urgent appointment at the pediatrician's office takes pressure, sometimes a demand. Several times my attempts failed and I had to go to the ER with a $150 co-pay (per child!) because the pediatric practice schedule was full. Many times I have considered switching offices and probably will do it one day, but I love our doctor. She is the reason we chose this practice and the reason we stay.
The contrast between the Veterinary Office and the Pediatrician's office is stark. Although I try to shy away from politics this is surely about health care policy and our country's priorities. Backed up by the huge rise in pets given up for adoption because their owners can't afford to feed themselves in this economy let alone feed their pets, I know pet ownership is a luxury. And this veterinary office has more art on the walls than my childrens' pediatric office.
Health care for humans is not a luxury, it is a right. And providers should be just as excited and eager to see each patient as these crazy animal people are to see my hyper dog. An enthusiastic reception from my vet people shouldn't be such a surprise. Service like that should be expected and required from all health care providers – especially those who treat humans, who save our lives and support our return to health. Medicine is medical, I get that, yet people are more than bodies. We are souls and need to be treated as such.
In Hebrew the word for reception (such as at a hotel) is kabbalah. Hospitality is implied in every meeting and greeting. Within the word is the action of welcoming the person who approaches with the same mystical and sacred intent as with which we receive revelation, light, and all the greatest gifts. That is how my dog was greeted today and should be how we each greet each other in every instance.
And, for this 16th day, two weeks and 2 days of the omer, I offer a blessing for justice and dignity, for honor and love. For every member of our human family, and also for our animal friends.
Today is the 16th day of the Omer.
Practice: It's a good time to practice breathing. In. Out. Slower inhale, slower exhale. Deeper inhale, deeper exhale. Inhale peace and goodness, exhale and let go, release. Breath life, your soul. Follow the circle of life in and out of your body, with curious attention to your breath. With each breath, relax a different part of your body, beginning with the top of your head, slowly through each area, all the way to your toes. Let balance and love and compassion establish themselves in your present moment.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
14 - Soul Bundles
Too busy, then too tired, from doing a mom job designing a siddur cover for an upcoming ceremony, writing about the omer was not happening last night.
All day long I had been thinking about the approaching day number fourteen, the day of June in 2008 that I birthed my three now-toddler babies. For sure it has become my favorite number, next to the pervasive and simple power of 3. The gematria geek in me loves that it is divided to make 7, my older daughters birth date (March '02), and multiplied to make 28, the dates of both their Abba's and Eema's birth (in September and November of respectively – of different years). All on cycles of seven, the holy number of completion and Shabbat peace, we are a soul family, drawn together to create a sacred home.
My previously quoted friend Nikki taught me at my pre-wedding women's Shabbat gathering that she knows the primary value that defines her marriage and she keeps it in mind, especially when she looks in her husband's eyes during a tough time. Of all the lessons shared by women that day, hers is the one that I count on the most. I remember the first time my husband and I held each other I felt something mystical in my heart, heart opening, heart connection. It took some attention and observation to discover (and confirm and re-affirm) that the primary value that defines my marriage is generosity. We inspire generosity in one another and challenge each other to expand our hearts, home and pockets in hospitality, sharing and openness. While writing today my musical muse is none other than Naomi Less, who was the spiritual leader of that Shabbat Kallah (Bride's Shabbat). Our theme song “What You Give” just revealed itself while I'm listening to her cd Meshuga'at. “ And I believe, ani maamina, that the life you live is about what you give.” More than anything, this is our family belief.
My oldest daughter, the big sister of triplets, was my first soul daughter and despite having no biological connection to her nor a legal one, I selfishly feel that she was brought into the world for me. Not only for me, but still, for our souls to share life together. When she is not at home with us, a piece is missing. When she is at home, or at least sleeping at home for the night, the peace returns. Last night I was creating a photo collage of her first day of Hebrew school, her Purim costumes throughout the years, Hanukah candlelighting, pre-Holiday photos, and life cycle moments; this will become the siddur cover for her very first siddur. Last Shabbat she read Torah for the first time. Eight years old and she wants to read Torah, reminds me to light Shabbat candles, and is a mitzvah maker.
Like her, I am an oldest daugher-oldest child and am positioned between parents as the first tie that binds. Negotiating the changes my father's illness forces in our family, my perspective on my divorced parents is compassionate to both. All through their divorce and post-divorce life I set a clear zero-tolerance boundary for negative complaints about each other. I'll allow a certain amount of reflection of the past, but no current criticism. Knowing first hand how divorce redefines one's life, I try to be compassionate to my parents without enabling triangulation. They are grown ups with their own adult resources and are doing just fine with it. Now, unexpectedly- we are again in close proximity again, having celebrated Passover all together. As a child, it was surprisingly sweet to have both my parents there, with my mom's new husband, and with all of us children and grandchildren. Worth mentioning is that Passover begins on the 14th of Nissan.
I think the most important thing a parent can model for their children is a loving and respectful regard for the other people the child loves. Including one's self, the other parent or parents, if any, grandparents, siblings. Regardless of how young or old the child is, she is the center of her own world of soul connections. Parenting is not easy, especially challenging when you don't have that soul connection or any positive feelings for the other important people in your child's life.
Imagine the twine that rounds a bundle of grain, a literal Omer. We each bundle together our soul family. My s-daughter bundles me together as her "other mother", in with my husband and also with her mother. She is our only connection to her mother, and holds us together in her top three caretakers, love providers and role models. That alone forces the responsibility upon us to treat one another – with words, actions AND heart- with goodness, respect and dare-I-say a beloved regard. Realizing this ideal is the most emotionally challenging task, especially when thinking about the history and even current conflicts. And, even when the other is mean, spiteful, abusive, hateful to us, we are responsible for fostering only love between our child and that person. I can hold this expectation for my parents because I hold it for myself, and I hold God accountable in the same manner. More than simply giving money for tzedakah from the physical realm, we reach deep into our mental depths and through our spiritual seeking to consciously carefully give generously from our hearts.
Today is the 14th day of the Omer, which is 2 weeks of the Omer.
From What You Give (Naomi Less on Meshuga'at) – www.naomiless.com:
My mind will know your troubles, but I don't comprehend
how your pain will never turn you bitter in the end.
You never show the truth behind your unassuming smile,
so rest a minute listen to my words
You bring me joy, sasson v'simcha,
you bring great love, ahava rabba,
And I believe, ani maamina,
that the life you live is about what you give.”
more reflections:
Safety first, always sharing love, then what else? I asked my facebook friends “what is the most important thing a parent should model for their children?” Answers include: shoes, patience, and shalom bayit. What would you add? What can you do today to free yourself up to be the best you can be?
Stress makes it hard to be our best. You may need to start with some alone time, self-nurturing, a treat. I would start with dark chocolate, a long hot shower and my 10 step miessence (www.ravyogaorganics.com) facial at home. Before putting yourself through a rigorous inventory, take care of yourself and then consider your primary values. Please share!
All day long I had been thinking about the approaching day number fourteen, the day of June in 2008 that I birthed my three now-toddler babies. For sure it has become my favorite number, next to the pervasive and simple power of 3. The gematria geek in me loves that it is divided to make 7, my older daughters birth date (March '02), and multiplied to make 28, the dates of both their Abba's and Eema's birth (in September and November of respectively – of different years). All on cycles of seven, the holy number of completion and Shabbat peace, we are a soul family, drawn together to create a sacred home.
My previously quoted friend Nikki taught me at my pre-wedding women's Shabbat gathering that she knows the primary value that defines her marriage and she keeps it in mind, especially when she looks in her husband's eyes during a tough time. Of all the lessons shared by women that day, hers is the one that I count on the most. I remember the first time my husband and I held each other I felt something mystical in my heart, heart opening, heart connection. It took some attention and observation to discover (and confirm and re-affirm) that the primary value that defines my marriage is generosity. We inspire generosity in one another and challenge each other to expand our hearts, home and pockets in hospitality, sharing and openness. While writing today my musical muse is none other than Naomi Less, who was the spiritual leader of that Shabbat Kallah (Bride's Shabbat). Our theme song “What You Give” just revealed itself while I'm listening to her cd Meshuga'at. “ And I believe, ani maamina, that the life you live is about what you give.” More than anything, this is our family belief.
My oldest daughter, the big sister of triplets, was my first soul daughter and despite having no biological connection to her nor a legal one, I selfishly feel that she was brought into the world for me. Not only for me, but still, for our souls to share life together. When she is not at home with us, a piece is missing. When she is at home, or at least sleeping at home for the night, the peace returns. Last night I was creating a photo collage of her first day of Hebrew school, her Purim costumes throughout the years, Hanukah candlelighting, pre-Holiday photos, and life cycle moments; this will become the siddur cover for her very first siddur. Last Shabbat she read Torah for the first time. Eight years old and she wants to read Torah, reminds me to light Shabbat candles, and is a mitzvah maker.
Like her, I am an oldest daugher-oldest child and am positioned between parents as the first tie that binds. Negotiating the changes my father's illness forces in our family, my perspective on my divorced parents is compassionate to both. All through their divorce and post-divorce life I set a clear zero-tolerance boundary for negative complaints about each other. I'll allow a certain amount of reflection of the past, but no current criticism. Knowing first hand how divorce redefines one's life, I try to be compassionate to my parents without enabling triangulation. They are grown ups with their own adult resources and are doing just fine with it. Now, unexpectedly- we are again in close proximity again, having celebrated Passover all together. As a child, it was surprisingly sweet to have both my parents there, with my mom's new husband, and with all of us children and grandchildren. Worth mentioning is that Passover begins on the 14th of Nissan.
I think the most important thing a parent can model for their children is a loving and respectful regard for the other people the child loves. Including one's self, the other parent or parents, if any, grandparents, siblings. Regardless of how young or old the child is, she is the center of her own world of soul connections. Parenting is not easy, especially challenging when you don't have that soul connection or any positive feelings for the other important people in your child's life.
Imagine the twine that rounds a bundle of grain, a literal Omer. We each bundle together our soul family. My s-daughter bundles me together as her "other mother", in with my husband and also with her mother. She is our only connection to her mother, and holds us together in her top three caretakers, love providers and role models. That alone forces the responsibility upon us to treat one another – with words, actions AND heart- with goodness, respect and dare-I-say a beloved regard. Realizing this ideal is the most emotionally challenging task, especially when thinking about the history and even current conflicts. And, even when the other is mean, spiteful, abusive, hateful to us, we are responsible for fostering only love between our child and that person. I can hold this expectation for my parents because I hold it for myself, and I hold God accountable in the same manner. More than simply giving money for tzedakah from the physical realm, we reach deep into our mental depths and through our spiritual seeking to consciously carefully give generously from our hearts.
Today is the 14th day of the Omer, which is 2 weeks of the Omer.
From What You Give (Naomi Less on Meshuga'at) – www.naomiless.com:
My mind will know your troubles, but I don't comprehend
how your pain will never turn you bitter in the end.
You never show the truth behind your unassuming smile,
so rest a minute listen to my words
You bring me joy, sasson v'simcha,
you bring great love, ahava rabba,
And I believe, ani maamina,
that the life you live is about what you give.”
more reflections:
Safety first, always sharing love, then what else? I asked my facebook friends “what is the most important thing a parent should model for their children?” Answers include: shoes, patience, and shalom bayit. What would you add? What can you do today to free yourself up to be the best you can be?
Stress makes it hard to be our best. You may need to start with some alone time, self-nurturing, a treat. I would start with dark chocolate, a long hot shower and my 10 step miessence (www.ravyogaorganics.com) facial at home. Before putting yourself through a rigorous inventory, take care of yourself and then consider your primary values. Please share!
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