The Sun Has Come Out

Laughter so forceful I couldn’t even speak, surely the sun has come out. It was naptime and I put on the iPod music that has been lulling my girls to sleep for nearly three years. Sat down on the floor to help E get her jammies on (a habit from the days when we had to zip up footies backwards to be sure diapers would stay on) and noticed that the song playing was not from Classical Music for Babies but was Alicia Keys. The girls noticed too, I knew because they spontaneously started dancing.

Sometimes I get anxious for that moment of closing the door to heads down, though today I enjoyed the moment and watched my girls dance. At first they were jumping, then jump spinning, then freestyle. They were all enjoying themselves, totally feeling the music and moving to their own beat. Especially so was E, who looked like she was ice skating. Words cannot fully describe the expression on her face that caused me to break out in laughter, first silent, trying to hide my face, then uncontrollably loud and shaking. They all hovered in, thinking that I was crying.

E was spinning very, very (l’at l’at) slowly with her face lifted gracefully upwards. Her eyes drooped half closed and her placid expression seemed to come from another realm. She spun to the low guardrail of her bed and did some complicated, seemed-like-choreographed move while holding the bars. Again and again her body moved in an amazing beautiful sequence. Then, she spun back out, still with that trance-like expression. Her hands reached for mine and we swayed together, arms extended straight out like sleep walkers. She shifted her weight from foot to foot and kept her chin high, face lifted towards the heavens, with her eyes half closed, looking nowhere. In the moment I watched her, looking kind of strange. Loving how she was in her own place, not knowing exactly where that was, I was so amused. Her countenance was so funny looking, perhaps deep, mystical, perhaps goofy or aloof, but just odd and unlike her usual expressions.

I looked down and smiled, then up again to resume our dance. Then I turned my head to try to get my husband’s attention but I couldn’t even speak and mostly didn’t want to ruin the moment. Eventually my smile turned into silent shaking, then audible laughter. Long and deep laughter.

How awesome is it that the song playing at that moment was “I am Superwoman”, a personal favorite that somehow dropped off my iTunes. Somewhere in that trance induced hysterics a click of clarity appeared and I thought to myself “I am laughing.” It felt good, this whole body laughter, so much so that I just had to commemorate it in writing. The sun was shining on me, filling my heart with blessing, taking over to heal me in ways that I cannot do myself. Three girls in jammies dancing, one in a mystic dervish moment, and me watching, joining the dance, and being returned to wholeness.

Baruch Atah/Brucha At Yah Eloheinu Ruach HaOlam haMatir Assurim. Blesssed are You, Source of Soul, who frees the imprisoned, who releases me from mental, emotional, and spiritual slavery to know the joy of dance and whole body laughter. Let us dance and laugh together to revelation, complete illumination. Amen.

Today is the 12th day of the Omer.

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Watch Superwoman video.
(Image above courtesy of people-clipart.com)

32 - Laughter

I had the funniest conversation yesterday in which I was trying to help a mom figure out what day her child was born. There's not a trick here, like her child was adopted from an orphanage that didn't keep records. This mom gave birth to her little girl. Still, a woman in childbirth isn't so focused on knowing the actual time. She, and anyone else in right mind, only cares about getting that baby out of her body alive into the world. And I don't know the details of this particular birth story except that she was born at the end of the day close to sunset.

The Jewish calendar changes days at nightfall. That's why Shabbat and holidays begin one evening and continue through to the next: “there was evening then where was morning, Day One”. It's right there in Genesis with the creation of the world, there's no playing with it. A questionable birth day may occur when a baby is born right around sunset, so the minute of the hour is an important determining detail. And then we must clarity how to define the moment of birth. In the hospital they probably check the clock once the doctor/nurse/midwife is holding the baby in her arms, maybe after making sure the little one doesn't need any emergency care. That's not the Jewish way.

The classic go-to case for understanding this differentiates when the child becomes its own separate living being apart from the mother's body. With my toddler sticking her head under my shirt to calm herself these days, I wonder if I will ever be able to think of my children separate from my body. Aside from my mommy psychology, there is no question about when they were lifted out of my body. In the case of a c-section, the whole baby comes out at once. In my case, baby followed a minute later by another baby, and a minute later by another baby. If those minutes are split around 12 pm, the children would have different birthdays. If they were split around sunset, they might have different Jewish birth dates. In my case, there was no question, if there was a window in the Operating Room we would see was broad daylight.

Lehavdil, to make a separation in topics, the Jewish moment of birth is actually determined by a scenario where the woman's life is at imminent risk. To live we try to ignore the fragility of life, yet we all know the truth that life is fragile and that babies are not independent human beings in the womb. And more, survival is never certain. Judaism teaches us best how to save lives and protect life. The highest mitzvah is to save a life, and to do so we must be able to define life (and death too). We need guidance on how to decide who takes precedence in this horrific life and death situation. In ancient times our sages saw much more of this; thankfully we can now reasonably expect to live through childbirth and go home with our babies. According to Jewish belief, until the child is born, if only one could survive, the woman's life is the one. I know this is so hard to ponder, and nothing you want to ever consider. Some of you know this all too well, having experienced miscarriages, stillbirths, and near-fatal child birth. I hold you in my heart and pray for continued comfort for your unthinkable losses.

The moment of birth according to Jewish law is when the head comes out, when the baby is mostly and nearly out of the womb, ready to take her first breath. This can be minutes or more before it gets written for the birth certificate. The moment of birth is different from when the moment a woman becomes a mom, or when a man becomes a father. That life changing instant could have been when the woman gave birth to her first child, and several babies later and the actual minute doesn't matter to her. A woman may become a mother through adoption or surrogacy, or when she becomes married to someone with children. Same for men.

So we were laughing, because it certainly seems like time of birth is a detail of your child's life that you wouldn't forget. But would you even know it in the first place unless someone shouted it out or wrote it down for you? Or both? The thing is that Jewish teaching is quite instructive here. During labor, while anticipating the birth, the experience is so deep and intense that we replay it from our own perspective, see it with our own lens. Adoption stories too are the parent's story until the child joins the family. Only, and not until the baby takes that first breath do we record and retell her life story. (Of course adopted children's stories also begin with their first breath.) And as all parents know, from that point on its all about baby and the laughter she creates.

Mothers' Day is approaching and I think about all the laughter and smiles and joy I have been blessed with as a mom from my four children. From the moment I became an s-mom, to the moment I became a bio mom, to this moment of reflection, the laughter is possibly my most special and treasured gift. I laugh at poop on the walls, I laugh when I hear their first real laughter, I laugh when I see them dress up, when I see their mischief. Laughter is a great gift and certainly the sound of godliness.

Tonight at sunset will begin the 32nd night of the Omer. That is 4 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. Shabbat Shalom.


Practice: Let yourself laugh. Find a way to provoke laughter with memories, childlike silliness or inspiration from the world of comedy.

On the horizon: Saturday night and Sunday is Lag B'Omer, a special day celebrated in Israel with bonfires. Look for community celebrations in your area!

22 - Date Night

“Woo hoo on date night, first in months, sat dateless in a theater for a 6 pm movie called Date Night, then had dinner with my mother.” Husband was worse off, buried in work while wanting just as much to be out on date night with me. Poor pity potty me out at a movie by myself (something I have enjoyed by choice many many times). I continued, "Was more fun to be single, even divorced."

OK, I cheated. Started my omer writing before sundown while waiting for the previews, then kept my eyes on the blackberry emailing myself the previous words.

Couldn't help but avert my eyes towards the glittery Sex in the City 2 trailer. What a fab tease, the girls are back, glamorous as ever two years post the Big wedding. Charlotte and Miranda share a teary scene; “it's hard to be a mom”. Carrie lays in bed with Big wondering where the romance went. Stiletto deep in identity crises, Samantha saves the drab day by taking the fabulous four for a fantastic extravagant Abu Dhabi va(jay-jay)cation. I will be back for more.

During the height of the TV show I was part of a fab foursome of friends. Each of us sexy, strong and single, we had weekly dinners and shared date stories. We made sushi on New Years Eve and went dancing, supported each others careers and enjoyed our time together. Unlike our fictional parallel characters, we haven't been as fortunate as Carrie Bradshaw and friends in maintaining the closeness. I often think of them, miss them, send them psychic love, and I wonder...What is it about friendships that allows them to fade? For things to pull us apart? For one or the other to become distant, to get more involved or interested in others. For things to get beyond repair or below priority? Been keeping my eyes open for a book to explain it all, the complexity of women's friendships and how to move on without always feeling unresolved drama and sadness.

I feel loss in current relationships too, that I don't have the personal time to divvy up for my friends. That my friends, too, get too busy for me. That my husband is also often too busy for me, working his tushie off to keep us afloat. I miss the flirting of dates gone by and the fun with friends. Can't recall the last movie I saw? Or last date I had? Last time I danced or laughed with friends.

Feeling more sentimental than sorry for myself, reality is that life now is about a survival partnership and deep purpose, and fun gets the shaft. Don't get me wrong, I embrace my choices and love my life. My daughter throws her head at my nose, and miraculously when the pain fades I notice that she straightened out a bump. I spend so much time (poorly) doing domestic tasks that need to be done. I grab moments for my work, my writing, a rare shower. I enjoy my girls, their hugs and kisses and silliness, and appreciate my husband and our sweet moments of affection. Life is meaning-full and joyful yet not necessarily full of fun nor levity.

Feeling like this, the movie began, then all bets were off. I laughed so hard, so long, so deep. Date Night was fun and funny. No matter that I was the only person in the theater, the sound of my laughter carried the space. I saw my marriage in the opening scenes – kids jumping painfully onto the parents, two exhausted adults who almost let the inertia cancel out date plans even when the sitter shows up. Then the movie took off with action, timing, great writing and an amazing cast led by the two funniest people in the biz today – Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Subtle humor followed with big bang comedy, extended hysterical scenes, high energy and hilarious characters. Set in NYC it has all the character of the most entertaining and fun city, and it's set to a great music soundtrack too. This is a great date or dateless movie, and I will see it again with my husband. The laughter did me good.

Though date night tonight was in fact date less, Date Night made me feel good about my marriage. When Foster (Carrell) says his last line to his wife (Fey) “I'd choose you. Every time.” I felt the same. So, my sitter showed up and my husband had a date deadline with work instead of his wife, choosing this movie was a tribute to him. "It's my love letter to commitment," says the filmmaker Shawn Levy. Awww.

Next up, dinner with my mom, which felt more like quality time with an old friend. In contrast to our usual conversations interrupted by needy children, we actually had multiple conversations about a variety of topics. These days I'm always pleasantly surprised when a dialogue actually has a beginning, middle and end. Date night really shaped up.

Choice is the main difference between relationships that last and those that don't. I'm realizing that the commitment of marriage makes all the difference in outcome. Creating a sacred covenant with another person is a clear soul intention to forever intertwine your destinies, your bodies, your homes. Sometimes people get un-married too, yet it doesn't diminish the original intention to spend forever together and the intimacy and interconnection that establishes itself. Once a marital contract is formed, the commitment contains the the choices that continue every day. Children are also a choice. Irregardless if one becomes a parent unintentionally or with great struggle, there is a spiritual way that souls choose to join a family. The parent-child bond survives death and family discord too.

Friendships form by happenstance, geography, proximity, affiliation, not necessarily by intentional choice nor with a commitment. Imagine if we had ceremonies to promise to be friends forever. No, most friendships require a loose hold. They are not exclusive and do not ask nearly as much of us as marriage or children or parents do. Possibly that explains their impermanence. Friendships are precious and provide many essential supports that marriage and family just cannot. They help us sustain our marriages and withstand family drama. Without a life time commitment, our choices of friends have the freedom to match each age and stage of life, with some friendships really lasting lifetimes. The really special ones are our soul sisters (and brothers), drawn together by a spiritual string. Friends can become family of choice when family of origin disintegrates. I love my friends, past and current, and I want more and more time for fun, for fellowship, for real. I love my husband and I want more and more time with him forever. “Honey, I'd choose you. Every time.”

Today is the 22nd night of the Omer, 3 weeks and 1 day of the Omer.


Practice: laughter is a spiritual practice. Go out and laugh. Find a movie new or old, or friend new or old who/that makes you laugh till your sides hurt.