Counting on Change- Part One

Let me not count the numerous ways that my life has changed, though allow an attempt to explain the after picture on the energetic level. Aside from the obvious physical challenges and hormonal emotions and mental stress, I’ve discovered another arena of transfiguration from my own yoga rabbi triplet-mom experience. Mostly the triplet parent life altogether was a big quake that took everything apart and left me shaky. I knew from the beginning, by finally being pregnant and all, and with three little dots appearing in my uterus, that my life had become extraordinary. What I could not have verbalized until now, and doubtfully so, is the pervasive alteration of my self from the cellular level on to the energetic system.

For one, my life turned inwards. Slowly at first, then I became overcome with protecting the lives inside me. To be clear I wasn’t obsessive, just responsible, and triplet pregnancies are really so on the verge that they require vigilance. It might seem strange, with twin pregnancies so common and not seeming so foreign, but when you add a third or more fetus, even the miraculous nature of pregnancy and childbirth gets pushed beyond its limit. As my OB repeatedly said, and I repeatedly write, the body was not designed for this. Not yours, not mine, not even Octomom who claims that it was all so easy. The sensations I reported were different than other pregnancies and harder to address over the phone, so the doctor wanted a call and visit anytime anything unusual was occurring. That was actually all of the freakin’ time, and I used my discernment (resistance vs. fear) to figure out what merited a call. I had regular appointments every two weeks anyway, then every week, usually with an ultrasound to peek into that dormitory of a womb that was puffing up like a blowfish up inside me. Inwards I turned, to these souls – to guard them with fierce love-, and it demanded tight boundaries blocking out negativity that could so easily do damage.

The belly, about where the baby borrows space, is the center of self-knowing, of the gut, of intuition. Energetically, according to the chakra system and according to the sefirot, it is the place where all is held in balance, including self-esteem and confidence. Much more should be said about this, which chakras are involved, the kabbalistic parallels too– another time though. I’ve been searching for writing about how that identity center changes during pregnancy and in the absence of another expert I have developed my own theory. This is in progress, and my first attempt at explaining my thoughts about this process.

In pregnancy the identity center gets displaced, replaced in a sense by the fetus that literally takes center stage. The woman’s own energetic self becomes layered with this other being, competing for blood, nutrients, energy and space. These factors are all limited so finding a balance demands a great deal on the whole person; physically, mentally, emotionally, in regards to time, space, thought, movement, energy intake, etc. There is a narrow market for real estate in the body, and the growing baby not only protrudes outward but pushes inward, rearranging the interior arrangement of vital organs, even growing up into the ribs and lungs taking up airspace. Yes, the uterus has amazing capabilities for accommodating its baby, for reckoning nutrients and hydration, but I don’t think it is designed to communicate and makes nice with the bladder, the kidneys, the lungs, the vagina, the stomach nor the intestines nor legs or feet. The rest of the body gets drawn in unwittingly and can be gracious or cranky. With multiple pregnancies, of course the pace is faster and the changes more radical; the demands multiply exponentially and push every boundary to the breaking point. Understanding the physical pressures is the beginning. Then consider the energy centers that provide a woman’s sense of self, knowing truth, holding soul strength. What happens when the center of identity and intuition is pushed aside? Where does it go? How does it mutate and adapt to nurture the child and the mother-baby bond? With complete merging of identify, how does the identity-intuition center of the woman ultimately respond with resilience so she can be herself again? Once the organs and energy centers have been forever changed (and blessed with this relationship), can the self and soul certainty ever return? How long does this rebound take after the womb has been emptied and the baby begins a life outside of the mother’s body?

Today is the 13th day of the Omer.

This is Part One; Part Two should arrive tomorrow.
Please share your responses, thoughts, and your own experiences in the comment section below.

20 - Triplets Twice

Six children under two, with only two birth dates amongst them, gobbled down an entire Tel Aviv pizza in minutes. Not a nursery school field trip, just two triplet families grabbing a rare unplanned moment to connect. That's how we roll, last minute, whatever works, as often as we can – which in reality means three times total in twenty months. For the first time they are big enough to play with one another, explore, share toys, lift gallon water weights, share solid food. Barely beyond the baby stage, these six cuties give their parents a chance to chat. Introduced by our ob/gyn, our relationship is founded on the sole shared experience of triplet life, not to be underestimated as anything less than an all-encompassing lens on life. One of the skills of being a triplet parent, we have learned how to distill parenting and housekeeping into powerful reductions without waste of time, energy or resources. Our survival depends on eliminating the extraneous and accepting assistance whenever offered or available. In the course of a couple hours watching the little ones and over dinner, we catch up on the trios, the older sibs, marriage, work, extended family, personal time (rather the lack of it).

I recalled memories of meeting this couple and bringing my months old girls along, visiting the expectant mom at home while on bed rest, holding their newborn babies in the hospital, stopping in to give support to a sister in the way that only one who survived can provide. Not that I was long past her milestones, our children are only seven months apart, six gestationally. At this point they share similar developmental achievements and interestingly there are parallel personalities in the birth order of our two sets. The baby As, the first borns, are both easy-going, sweet mush types and the baby Bs, next born, are both little pistols. The baby Cs have less obvious similarities but both are angelic daddy's girls.

Only Friday I re-published recollections of counting the days of my high-risk pregnancy (Anticipating the Omer: Counting of a Different Kind) and I re-read it too. The lived truths within the essay are still hard to hold; though much more healing has happened even since last year. Most of the time I don't remember the details about trying to conceive, learning about the triplet pregnancy, enduring it and extending it as long as possible for the sake of my babies while sacrificing my self. Isn't it so easy to forget painful moments and live presently in happier times? When I was in college first reflecting on my childhood there were so many blanks; with time work I filled them in and made sense of it all. There is a time to forget and a time to remember. Memory can protect us in both ways, enabling us to select what we need to survive and warning us what cannot be repeated. Memory can enable happiness too, providing contrast and gratitude.

My presence for this triplet mom during her pregnancy was modeled for me by an another amazing multiple mom. A common experience brought us together and deep friendships developed on both sides, between me and my family and each of the other families. In addition to having multiples, each of these three families has four children and we especially appreciate a warm home full of love and bodies. We know better than to judge, value gemilut hasadim (acts of lovingkindness), live modestly, and respect each others' accomplishments as parents and partners.

Friends help us remember who we are, where we've been, why we're here and how we want to move into the future together. They hold up the memories that may be buried away from pain so we can integrate them and honor them in the present. Friends see our strengths and success and remind us of those too. They bless our memories and create new memories with us.

Today is the 20th day of the Omer, that is 2 weeks and 6 days of the Omer. Today is Yom Hazikaron, a day of memory.


Practice: Take at least a minute of silence to remember lost memories. Consider how they shaped your present and how presence to them can bring blessings for you. Remember the memories of loved ones lost, honor their memory with action. Remember the sacrifice those you knew and did not know gave for your values, to give the gifts you cherish the most.