The Sun Has Come Out

Laughter so forceful I couldn’t even speak, surely the sun has come out. It was naptime and I put on the iPod music that has been lulling my girls to sleep for nearly three years. Sat down on the floor to help E get her jammies on (a habit from the days when we had to zip up footies backwards to be sure diapers would stay on) and noticed that the song playing was not from Classical Music for Babies but was Alicia Keys. The girls noticed too, I knew because they spontaneously started dancing.

Sometimes I get anxious for that moment of closing the door to heads down, though today I enjoyed the moment and watched my girls dance. At first they were jumping, then jump spinning, then freestyle. They were all enjoying themselves, totally feeling the music and moving to their own beat. Especially so was E, who looked like she was ice skating. Words cannot fully describe the expression on her face that caused me to break out in laughter, first silent, trying to hide my face, then uncontrollably loud and shaking. They all hovered in, thinking that I was crying.

E was spinning very, very (l’at l’at) slowly with her face lifted gracefully upwards. Her eyes drooped half closed and her placid expression seemed to come from another realm. She spun to the low guardrail of her bed and did some complicated, seemed-like-choreographed move while holding the bars. Again and again her body moved in an amazing beautiful sequence. Then, she spun back out, still with that trance-like expression. Her hands reached for mine and we swayed together, arms extended straight out like sleep walkers. She shifted her weight from foot to foot and kept her chin high, face lifted towards the heavens, with her eyes half closed, looking nowhere. In the moment I watched her, looking kind of strange. Loving how she was in her own place, not knowing exactly where that was, I was so amused. Her countenance was so funny looking, perhaps deep, mystical, perhaps goofy or aloof, but just odd and unlike her usual expressions.

I looked down and smiled, then up again to resume our dance. Then I turned my head to try to get my husband’s attention but I couldn’t even speak and mostly didn’t want to ruin the moment. Eventually my smile turned into silent shaking, then audible laughter. Long and deep laughter.

How awesome is it that the song playing at that moment was “I am Superwoman”, a personal favorite that somehow dropped off my iTunes. Somewhere in that trance induced hysterics a click of clarity appeared and I thought to myself “I am laughing.” It felt good, this whole body laughter, so much so that I just had to commemorate it in writing. The sun was shining on me, filling my heart with blessing, taking over to heal me in ways that I cannot do myself. Three girls in jammies dancing, one in a mystic dervish moment, and me watching, joining the dance, and being returned to wholeness.

Baruch Atah/Brucha At Yah Eloheinu Ruach HaOlam haMatir Assurim. Blesssed are You, Source of Soul, who frees the imprisoned, who releases me from mental, emotional, and spiritual slavery to know the joy of dance and whole body laughter. Let us dance and laugh together to revelation, complete illumination. Amen.

Today is the 12th day of the Omer.

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Watch Superwoman video.
(Image above courtesy of people-clipart.com)

Nearly blew it before it began

I nearly blew it. Close to midnight, moments after zipping and locking up the little girls (triplets under 3 years old up way too late for the second night in a row) in their portable tent beds (we highly recommend the Peapod) I suddenly whispered to my closed-eyed husband. Startling him out of falling asleep in the hotel bed, I quietly recited the bracha and counted the first night of the Omer. After almost completely forgetting, I wanted a witness, though not too reliable in his slumber, to hear me announce the first night.

(The girls are excited to ride the hotel luggage cart, which they call "shopping cart", and to stay up super late for Passover Seders.)

It's usually counted at the Seder table, that is if you actually do the whole Seder from start to finish. There were young adult years when Seders were that generous luxurious time for exploration and late night singing of that last "next year in Jerusalem." But not here, our Seder order ended with the festive meal, as many families do from lack of interest in the whole exacting deal. Seder actually means "order" and there are 14 steps this at home table ritual. Full of symbolism, interesting objects and foods, the telling of the Haggadah includes stories, laws and songs all intended to elicit discussion. Even guised as "traditional" and viewed by attendees as way too long, these Seders did not complete the order nor fulfill it in more than the most basic reading. Not to say that it wasn't a great way to connect with family nor anything but an amazing feat of a feast. The meal was delicious and the sixty plus family members were wonderful company. The children demonstrated their beautiful singing voices, showed off their day school education in Hebrew fluency and song familiarity and were adorable - including my 2 year olds who each sang the beginning of Ma Nishtana. The Passover production was impressive for its scale, efficacy, beauty and carrying out of traditions. That said, of the four cups, we only poured two. Elijah and Miriam were both ignored, and I felt their absence. And of other steps skipped, we neglected to count the Omer.

I married into a large family that actually has a family club that meets monthly and for annual events in the Detroit suburbs where most still reside. They have enormous pots and pans for mass cooking and everything else needed to make a special and elegant holiday. The aunt and uncle who host Passover actually built their house to accomodate the huge crowd. The Seder takes place in the elegant living room, that more resembles a hotel lobby. Coming from my own family with our own (different) traditions and as a rabbi who has thought lots about my ideal Seder experience (and led some good ones), I can offer a commentary full of compliments and constructive criticism, but for tonight my only comment is this. We didn't count the Omer. How many of you counted the Omer together at Seder last night?

To be fair to the leader, I myself didn't even think about completing the Seder. I was too busy trying to catch up with the cousins and listen out for cries of my children, the new inductees to the basement mayhem.

So tired from the cleaning and kashering and cooking and setting and serving, sometime we lose sight of the spiritual cycle. The big day takes so much out of us, we totally or nearly forget that it is a kick off event, not the end itself. Just like wedding planning it consumes as much time as the engagement allows, preparing for the relationship of marriage is usually neglected. Immersing in the preparation is its own process, and also part of a bigger picture. Pause for an aha moment - that's the story of my with baby triplets. Diapering, feeding, cleaning, dressing the children - it doesn't leave freedom to think, to read, to evaluate. I suppose no matter how little prep we do, those next stages will arrive (God willing) for us to find ourselves in bed counting the Omer seconds before sleep - or having that intimate conversation - or envisioning the children with their own families.

The girls were so wired even at midnight that after jumping on the bed and running around the room I just forced them into their Peapods and locked the zipper (with twist ties - did I ever tell you how they trashed the hotel room in Memphis?) Efforts at crying lasted less then thirty seconds, then they were too tired to try. One second of silence was followed by a wimper from E, then came 2 seconds of silence. I was counting the space in between the crying when I realized that I hadn't counted the first night of the Omer!

More than just counting, before we actually count the day of the Omer (out of 49, listed by days and weeks), we say a bracha (blessing). If you remember to count the Omer at night (when the "day" begins on Jewish time) you begin with the blessing. If you don't count until the next day, then you can't say the blessing. Admittedly I'll be happy if I count to 49 night or day, though I'd love to get all the blessings in. Blessings are special, they are blessings after all.

Tonight I said the bracha in the dark somewhere between Detroit and Chicago, using Omer Counter 2.0 on my iPhone. By then I was sitting in the way back, between Haley and N. One girl wanted me to help her sleep and the other needed me once she awoke.

Earlier in the ride it had been really quiet. I had nothing more to say to the driver and I realized that it was a good time for a talk with myself. I led myself in a little internal Seder of my own. I started with some venting, then went a bit deeper into a section that regrettably was edited out of our Seders, before I bored myself and was ready to eat some chocolate. The Four Children is a section of the telling that I've always loved in text and through numerous artistic depictions. There are four archetypes of children that can be seen as four different types of religious experience, four learning styles, four personalities, or four family roles. In discussing them we try to identify ourselves and get to hear our families thoughts about our self perception. I love that the archetype with which we identify most can change from year to year. I have been the Hacham, the wise child, immersed in Torah Study, fascinated with laws and traditions. I have been the Rasha in more recent years; the one who feels apart from tradition and questions the value of organized religion. For me being the Rasha was questioning faith or feeling mired in struggle without relief that. The all consuming life changing triplet pregnancy and parenthood also casts me as the Tam, the simple one who doesn't know what to ask - or who is indifferent to the answer. Sometimes the thread holding us in the tribe is very thin.

My realization tonight is that this year I relate to the One Who Cannot Ask. In some ways I've lost my voice. Different than when I was younger and learned how my voice had been taken away, then worked on taking it back, now something different is happening. I'm not clear on it all yet, which I remind myself is why the theme of the Omer is "Counting to Clarity". There's no Haggadah that tells me what I'm supposed to say to the world, no written curriculum for my spiritual development and no job description that's a role written for me. I know who I am and, at the same time, I don't know. I don't know what is to come and where I should be so vocal, or where I should listen for guidance. I'm not clear how to let spirit guide me and also act responsibly to my family's financial needs. I am both articulate and also inarticulate. I am both gifted with unique talents and expertise and also need variety and flexibility. I both want to honor what I'm meant to bring to the world and also have some balance and enjoyment. I am both clear about what I stand for and unclear about where my next step will lead.

Thankfully, I have this counting and the season that leads to clarity. One day at at time, I will bless the path from narrowly defined dark enslaved places to the free and clear and bright illuminated destination.

Tonight/today is the second day of the Omer.

For you: what was missing from your Seder experience that you want to include in your self-led Seder? What traditions/patterns in your life work? which don't work for you?

44 - thirties, forties.

Forced to face the denial that I'm no longer thirty-six, counting the late 30s felt very personal to me; my writing froze. Now in the forties I feel I've aged prematurely. Didn't realize when I started this counting challenge forty-four nights ago that it would bring on a mini mid-life crisis. Are you with me here? We'll be forty-nine next week!

A facebook friend posted that half birthdays aren't as exciting as the real thing and mentioned this as she turned 24 ½. Wouldn't plenty of people be so excited to have another six months of being twenty-four, or at least the care-free young body state that (usually) goes with it? With deeper thought, I realize that my life now is fuller, happier, and wiser. The wear and tear on my body is real, yet the wider lens on life, more authentic soul situation and large love quotient are a somewhat fair trade.

In youth and health the body willingly accompanies us as we do our thing. As we move on in age and stage, physical awareness creeps into every activity as creakiness, injuries and illness increase, stretch marks and frown lines appear. On one hand I'm a mom to young children, trying to adapt when a sitter cancels last minute and my carefully choreographed day becomes “take your triplets to work today” day. On the other hand, I relate to my newly forty friend whose gift to herself is botox between the brows. I have my own self improvement plans for my entree into the forties.

In the realm of omer counting, the increasing numbers stop abruptly. Beyond 49 there is no counting, no Molly Shannon cheer, reprised last week on SNL with Betty White, “I'm fifty, fifty [kick], fifty! [kick, kick]. Instead we get a greater reason to party, the gift of Torah, ageless teaching, the foundation of Jewish wisdom.

Though it sounds swell, receiving a gift is not necessarily simple. Just because it is offered doesn't mean that the recipient is ready to accept the gift. When someone gives you a compliment, do you brush it off with a quick thank you before letting it penetrate your heart. Can you accept an offer of assistance and open your door to help?

In community, we are here for each other in times of need. Could be easier to offer a meal to a grieving family than accepting help with childcare when someone in the family is in the hospital. Might be easier to entertain for Shabbat than entertain the idea that you need strangers to help fold laundry, bring food to you bedside, shop for diapers, etc... Accepting a gift, accepting an apology, accepting assistance, accepting wisdom – all require an accessible heart connection. Getting there takes work, takes preparation – thus the omer counting. With Torah given after forty-nine days, how to readily appreciate the teaching that may guide you to a more meaningful, ethical, connected, spiritual life.

Here Rav Yoga provides tools for opening body, mind and soul to receiving gifts. Standing at Sinai takes a new turn with attention to the physical posture of standing, of standing strong, of standing strong and listening for the still small voice within the stillness.

This Shabbat at Netivot/Pathways Saturdays we will do the physical and spiritual preparation for Shavuot. On Erev Shavuot, families will welcome the holiday with Rav Yoga Yeladim at the Tikkun Lil Shavuot. In the next few days, I will share yoga postures for preparation, for opening, for feeling young again.


Today is the 44th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 2 days of the omer.

32 - Laughter

I had the funniest conversation yesterday in which I was trying to help a mom figure out what day her child was born. There's not a trick here, like her child was adopted from an orphanage that didn't keep records. This mom gave birth to her little girl. Still, a woman in childbirth isn't so focused on knowing the actual time. She, and anyone else in right mind, only cares about getting that baby out of her body alive into the world. And I don't know the details of this particular birth story except that she was born at the end of the day close to sunset.

The Jewish calendar changes days at nightfall. That's why Shabbat and holidays begin one evening and continue through to the next: “there was evening then where was morning, Day One”. It's right there in Genesis with the creation of the world, there's no playing with it. A questionable birth day may occur when a baby is born right around sunset, so the minute of the hour is an important determining detail. And then we must clarity how to define the moment of birth. In the hospital they probably check the clock once the doctor/nurse/midwife is holding the baby in her arms, maybe after making sure the little one doesn't need any emergency care. That's not the Jewish way.

The classic go-to case for understanding this differentiates when the child becomes its own separate living being apart from the mother's body. With my toddler sticking her head under my shirt to calm herself these days, I wonder if I will ever be able to think of my children separate from my body. Aside from my mommy psychology, there is no question about when they were lifted out of my body. In the case of a c-section, the whole baby comes out at once. In my case, baby followed a minute later by another baby, and a minute later by another baby. If those minutes are split around 12 pm, the children would have different birthdays. If they were split around sunset, they might have different Jewish birth dates. In my case, there was no question, if there was a window in the Operating Room we would see was broad daylight.

Lehavdil, to make a separation in topics, the Jewish moment of birth is actually determined by a scenario where the woman's life is at imminent risk. To live we try to ignore the fragility of life, yet we all know the truth that life is fragile and that babies are not independent human beings in the womb. And more, survival is never certain. Judaism teaches us best how to save lives and protect life. The highest mitzvah is to save a life, and to do so we must be able to define life (and death too). We need guidance on how to decide who takes precedence in this horrific life and death situation. In ancient times our sages saw much more of this; thankfully we can now reasonably expect to live through childbirth and go home with our babies. According to Jewish belief, until the child is born, if only one could survive, the woman's life is the one. I know this is so hard to ponder, and nothing you want to ever consider. Some of you know this all too well, having experienced miscarriages, stillbirths, and near-fatal child birth. I hold you in my heart and pray for continued comfort for your unthinkable losses.

The moment of birth according to Jewish law is when the head comes out, when the baby is mostly and nearly out of the womb, ready to take her first breath. This can be minutes or more before it gets written for the birth certificate. The moment of birth is different from when the moment a woman becomes a mom, or when a man becomes a father. That life changing instant could have been when the woman gave birth to her first child, and several babies later and the actual minute doesn't matter to her. A woman may become a mother through adoption or surrogacy, or when she becomes married to someone with children. Same for men.

So we were laughing, because it certainly seems like time of birth is a detail of your child's life that you wouldn't forget. But would you even know it in the first place unless someone shouted it out or wrote it down for you? Or both? The thing is that Jewish teaching is quite instructive here. During labor, while anticipating the birth, the experience is so deep and intense that we replay it from our own perspective, see it with our own lens. Adoption stories too are the parent's story until the child joins the family. Only, and not until the baby takes that first breath do we record and retell her life story. (Of course adopted children's stories also begin with their first breath.) And as all parents know, from that point on its all about baby and the laughter she creates.

Mothers' Day is approaching and I think about all the laughter and smiles and joy I have been blessed with as a mom from my four children. From the moment I became an s-mom, to the moment I became a bio mom, to this moment of reflection, the laughter is possibly my most special and treasured gift. I laugh at poop on the walls, I laugh when I hear their first real laughter, I laugh when I see them dress up, when I see their mischief. Laughter is a great gift and certainly the sound of godliness.

Tonight at sunset will begin the 32nd night of the Omer. That is 4 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. Shabbat Shalom.


Practice: Let yourself laugh. Find a way to provoke laughter with memories, childlike silliness or inspiration from the world of comedy.

On the horizon: Saturday night and Sunday is Lag B'Omer, a special day celebrated in Israel with bonfires. Look for community celebrations in your area!

14 - Soul Bundles

Too busy, then too tired, from doing a mom job designing a siddur cover for an upcoming ceremony, writing about the omer was not happening last night.

All day long I had been thinking about the approaching day number fourteen, the day of June in 2008 that I birthed my three now-toddler babies. For sure it has become my favorite number, next to the pervasive and simple power of 3. The gematria geek in me loves that it is divided to make 7, my older daughters birth date (March '02), and multiplied to make 28, the dates of both their Abba's and Eema's birth (in September and November of respectively – of different years). All on cycles of seven, the holy number of completion and Shabbat peace, we are a soul family, drawn together to create a sacred home.

My previously quoted friend Nikki taught me at my pre-wedding women's Shabbat gathering that she knows the primary value that defines her marriage and she keeps it in mind, especially when she looks in her husband's eyes during a tough time. Of all the lessons shared by women that day, hers is the one that I count on the most. I remember the first time my husband and I held each other I felt something mystical in my heart, heart opening, heart connection. It took some attention and observation to discover (and confirm and re-affirm) that the primary value that defines my marriage is generosity. We inspire generosity in one another and challenge each other to expand our hearts, home and pockets in hospitality, sharing and openness. While writing today my musical muse is none other than Naomi Less, who was the spiritual leader of that Shabbat Kallah (Bride's Shabbat). Our theme song “What You Give” just revealed itself while I'm listening to her cd Meshuga'at. “ And I believe, ani maamina, that the life you live is about what you give.” More than anything, this is our family belief.

My oldest daughter, the big sister of triplets, was my first soul daughter and despite having no biological connection to her nor a legal one, I selfishly feel that she was brought into the world for me. Not only for me, but still, for our souls to share life together. When she is not at home with us, a piece is missing. When she is at home, or at least sleeping at home for the night, the peace returns. Last night I was creating a photo collage of her first day of Hebrew school, her Purim costumes throughout the years, Hanukah candlelighting, pre-Holiday photos, and life cycle moments; this will become the siddur cover for her very first siddur. Last Shabbat she read Torah for the first time. Eight years old and she wants to read Torah, reminds me to light Shabbat candles, and is a mitzvah maker.

Like her, I am an oldest daugher-oldest child and am positioned between parents as the first tie that binds. Negotiating the changes my father's illness forces in our family, my perspective on my divorced parents is compassionate to both. All through their divorce and post-divorce life I set a clear zero-tolerance boundary for negative complaints about each other. I'll allow a certain amount of reflection of the past, but no current criticism. Knowing first hand how divorce redefines one's life, I try to be compassionate to my parents without enabling triangulation. They are grown ups with their own adult resources and are doing just fine with it. Now, unexpectedly- we are again in close proximity again, having celebrated Passover all together. As a child, it was surprisingly sweet to have both my parents there, with my mom's new husband, and with all of us children and grandchildren. Worth mentioning is that Passover begins on the 14th of Nissan.

I think the most important thing a parent can model for their children is a loving and respectful regard for the other people the child loves. Including one's self, the other parent or parents, if any, grandparents, siblings. Regardless of how young or old the child is, she is the center of her own world of soul connections. Parenting is not easy, especially challenging when you don't have that soul connection or any positive feelings for the other important people in your child's life.

Imagine the twine that rounds a bundle of grain, a literal Omer. We each bundle together our soul family. My s-daughter bundles me together as her "other mother", in with my husband and also with her mother. She is our only connection to her mother, and holds us together in her top three caretakers, love providers and role models. That alone forces the responsibility upon us to treat one another – with words, actions AND heart- with goodness, respect and dare-I-say a beloved regard. Realizing this ideal is the most emotionally challenging task, especially when thinking about the history and even current conflicts. And, even when the other is mean, spiteful, abusive, hateful to us, we are responsible for fostering only love between our child and that person. I can hold this expectation for my parents because I hold it for myself, and I hold God accountable in the same manner. More than simply giving money for tzedakah from the physical realm, we reach deep into our mental depths and through our spiritual seeking to consciously carefully give generously from our hearts.

Today is the 14th day of the Omer, which is 2 weeks of the Omer.


From What You Give (Naomi Less on Meshuga'at) – www.naomiless.com:
My mind will know your troubles, but I don't comprehend
how your pain will never turn you bitter in the end.
You never show the truth behind your unassuming smile,
so rest a minute listen to my words

You bring me joy, sasson v'simcha,
you bring great love, ahava rabba,
And I believe, ani maamina,
that the life you live is about what you give.”

more reflections:
Safety first, always sharing love, then what else? I asked my facebook friends “what is the most important thing a parent should model for their children?” Answers include: shoes, patience, and shalom bayit. What would you add? What can you do today to free yourself up to be the best you can be?

Stress makes it hard to be our best. You may need to start with some alone time, self-nurturing, a treat. I would start with dark chocolate, a long hot shower and my 10 step miessence (www.ravyogaorganics.com) facial at home. Before putting yourself through a rigorous inventory, take care of yourself and then consider your primary values. Please share!