22 - Date Night

“Woo hoo on date night, first in months, sat dateless in a theater for a 6 pm movie called Date Night, then had dinner with my mother.” Husband was worse off, buried in work while wanting just as much to be out on date night with me. Poor pity potty me out at a movie by myself (something I have enjoyed by choice many many times). I continued, "Was more fun to be single, even divorced."

OK, I cheated. Started my omer writing before sundown while waiting for the previews, then kept my eyes on the blackberry emailing myself the previous words.

Couldn't help but avert my eyes towards the glittery Sex in the City 2 trailer. What a fab tease, the girls are back, glamorous as ever two years post the Big wedding. Charlotte and Miranda share a teary scene; “it's hard to be a mom”. Carrie lays in bed with Big wondering where the romance went. Stiletto deep in identity crises, Samantha saves the drab day by taking the fabulous four for a fantastic extravagant Abu Dhabi va(jay-jay)cation. I will be back for more.

During the height of the TV show I was part of a fab foursome of friends. Each of us sexy, strong and single, we had weekly dinners and shared date stories. We made sushi on New Years Eve and went dancing, supported each others careers and enjoyed our time together. Unlike our fictional parallel characters, we haven't been as fortunate as Carrie Bradshaw and friends in maintaining the closeness. I often think of them, miss them, send them psychic love, and I wonder...What is it about friendships that allows them to fade? For things to pull us apart? For one or the other to become distant, to get more involved or interested in others. For things to get beyond repair or below priority? Been keeping my eyes open for a book to explain it all, the complexity of women's friendships and how to move on without always feeling unresolved drama and sadness.

I feel loss in current relationships too, that I don't have the personal time to divvy up for my friends. That my friends, too, get too busy for me. That my husband is also often too busy for me, working his tushie off to keep us afloat. I miss the flirting of dates gone by and the fun with friends. Can't recall the last movie I saw? Or last date I had? Last time I danced or laughed with friends.

Feeling more sentimental than sorry for myself, reality is that life now is about a survival partnership and deep purpose, and fun gets the shaft. Don't get me wrong, I embrace my choices and love my life. My daughter throws her head at my nose, and miraculously when the pain fades I notice that she straightened out a bump. I spend so much time (poorly) doing domestic tasks that need to be done. I grab moments for my work, my writing, a rare shower. I enjoy my girls, their hugs and kisses and silliness, and appreciate my husband and our sweet moments of affection. Life is meaning-full and joyful yet not necessarily full of fun nor levity.

Feeling like this, the movie began, then all bets were off. I laughed so hard, so long, so deep. Date Night was fun and funny. No matter that I was the only person in the theater, the sound of my laughter carried the space. I saw my marriage in the opening scenes – kids jumping painfully onto the parents, two exhausted adults who almost let the inertia cancel out date plans even when the sitter shows up. Then the movie took off with action, timing, great writing and an amazing cast led by the two funniest people in the biz today – Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Subtle humor followed with big bang comedy, extended hysterical scenes, high energy and hilarious characters. Set in NYC it has all the character of the most entertaining and fun city, and it's set to a great music soundtrack too. This is a great date or dateless movie, and I will see it again with my husband. The laughter did me good.

Though date night tonight was in fact date less, Date Night made me feel good about my marriage. When Foster (Carrell) says his last line to his wife (Fey) “I'd choose you. Every time.” I felt the same. So, my sitter showed up and my husband had a date deadline with work instead of his wife, choosing this movie was a tribute to him. "It's my love letter to commitment," says the filmmaker Shawn Levy. Awww.

Next up, dinner with my mom, which felt more like quality time with an old friend. In contrast to our usual conversations interrupted by needy children, we actually had multiple conversations about a variety of topics. These days I'm always pleasantly surprised when a dialogue actually has a beginning, middle and end. Date night really shaped up.

Choice is the main difference between relationships that last and those that don't. I'm realizing that the commitment of marriage makes all the difference in outcome. Creating a sacred covenant with another person is a clear soul intention to forever intertwine your destinies, your bodies, your homes. Sometimes people get un-married too, yet it doesn't diminish the original intention to spend forever together and the intimacy and interconnection that establishes itself. Once a marital contract is formed, the commitment contains the the choices that continue every day. Children are also a choice. Irregardless if one becomes a parent unintentionally or with great struggle, there is a spiritual way that souls choose to join a family. The parent-child bond survives death and family discord too.

Friendships form by happenstance, geography, proximity, affiliation, not necessarily by intentional choice nor with a commitment. Imagine if we had ceremonies to promise to be friends forever. No, most friendships require a loose hold. They are not exclusive and do not ask nearly as much of us as marriage or children or parents do. Possibly that explains their impermanence. Friendships are precious and provide many essential supports that marriage and family just cannot. They help us sustain our marriages and withstand family drama. Without a life time commitment, our choices of friends have the freedom to match each age and stage of life, with some friendships really lasting lifetimes. The really special ones are our soul sisters (and brothers), drawn together by a spiritual string. Friends can become family of choice when family of origin disintegrates. I love my friends, past and current, and I want more and more time for fun, for fellowship, for real. I love my husband and I want more and more time with him forever. “Honey, I'd choose you. Every time.”

Today is the 22nd night of the Omer, 3 weeks and 1 day of the Omer.


Practice: laughter is a spiritual practice. Go out and laugh. Find a movie new or old, or friend new or old who/that makes you laugh till your sides hurt.

20 - Triplets Twice

Six children under two, with only two birth dates amongst them, gobbled down an entire Tel Aviv pizza in minutes. Not a nursery school field trip, just two triplet families grabbing a rare unplanned moment to connect. That's how we roll, last minute, whatever works, as often as we can – which in reality means three times total in twenty months. For the first time they are big enough to play with one another, explore, share toys, lift gallon water weights, share solid food. Barely beyond the baby stage, these six cuties give their parents a chance to chat. Introduced by our ob/gyn, our relationship is founded on the sole shared experience of triplet life, not to be underestimated as anything less than an all-encompassing lens on life. One of the skills of being a triplet parent, we have learned how to distill parenting and housekeeping into powerful reductions without waste of time, energy or resources. Our survival depends on eliminating the extraneous and accepting assistance whenever offered or available. In the course of a couple hours watching the little ones and over dinner, we catch up on the trios, the older sibs, marriage, work, extended family, personal time (rather the lack of it).

I recalled memories of meeting this couple and bringing my months old girls along, visiting the expectant mom at home while on bed rest, holding their newborn babies in the hospital, stopping in to give support to a sister in the way that only one who survived can provide. Not that I was long past her milestones, our children are only seven months apart, six gestationally. At this point they share similar developmental achievements and interestingly there are parallel personalities in the birth order of our two sets. The baby As, the first borns, are both easy-going, sweet mush types and the baby Bs, next born, are both little pistols. The baby Cs have less obvious similarities but both are angelic daddy's girls.

Only Friday I re-published recollections of counting the days of my high-risk pregnancy (Anticipating the Omer: Counting of a Different Kind) and I re-read it too. The lived truths within the essay are still hard to hold; though much more healing has happened even since last year. Most of the time I don't remember the details about trying to conceive, learning about the triplet pregnancy, enduring it and extending it as long as possible for the sake of my babies while sacrificing my self. Isn't it so easy to forget painful moments and live presently in happier times? When I was in college first reflecting on my childhood there were so many blanks; with time work I filled them in and made sense of it all. There is a time to forget and a time to remember. Memory can protect us in both ways, enabling us to select what we need to survive and warning us what cannot be repeated. Memory can enable happiness too, providing contrast and gratitude.

My presence for this triplet mom during her pregnancy was modeled for me by an another amazing multiple mom. A common experience brought us together and deep friendships developed on both sides, between me and my family and each of the other families. In addition to having multiples, each of these three families has four children and we especially appreciate a warm home full of love and bodies. We know better than to judge, value gemilut hasadim (acts of lovingkindness), live modestly, and respect each others' accomplishments as parents and partners.

Friends help us remember who we are, where we've been, why we're here and how we want to move into the future together. They hold up the memories that may be buried away from pain so we can integrate them and honor them in the present. Friends see our strengths and success and remind us of those too. They bless our memories and create new memories with us.

Today is the 20th day of the Omer, that is 2 weeks and 6 days of the Omer. Today is Yom Hazikaron, a day of memory.


Practice: Take at least a minute of silence to remember lost memories. Consider how they shaped your present and how presence to them can bring blessings for you. Remember the memories of loved ones lost, honor their memory with action. Remember the sacrifice those you knew and did not know gave for your values, to give the gifts you cherish the most.