When I was in high school there was the cool mom who gushed about her husband and told us that she married her best friend and they still have the best sex in the world for ever and ever, she was the luckiest girl on earth to have this awesome marriage, vibrant, sensual, satisfying - just look at her and her amazing best friend-husband and the smile on her face and glow on her skin. Years later I heard that she got divorced and my one example of a happy marriage was dissolved.
In college I met an older-than-me distinguished type married couple who whose relationship was based on other than sex and passion. I respected it but totally didn't get it. Didn't want that for myself, I wanted sparks with the friendship and sharing stories and housework and fantasies and love and the kind of lovemaking I imagined would go with all that.
Living in Israel for a year between college and rabbinical school, I became close with a classmate and came to admire her partnership. Finally, I thought I found a loving relationship set in sacredness. I watched them bless each other on Shabbat and wanted that for myself. I observed the calm and respectful way they related, and the deep affection they portrayed. They too have since separated.
I feel like the little chick in Are You My Mother? walking through the world looking for my true model for marriage. Just like the baby bird, I've probably walked right by it, because I don't know what it looks like. Are you my marriage? No, I am the unhappy version your parents endured for 30 years, you do not want me to be your marriage. Are you my marriage? No, you are a bag of secrets and cheating, looks sexy but lacks substance. Are you my marriage? No, you are platonic, stable but dry. Are you my marriage? No, I am a romanticized television version of one, just made up to mess with your expectations, I cannot be your marriage. Are you my marriage? No, I am a lesbian couple, Venus and Venus no Martians in here, I cannot be your marriage.
Even God of the Jewish Bible borrows marriage as the metaphor for the covenant between God and the Jewish people, and that relationship endures drama, betrayal, abandonment and exile. An exception, The Song of Songs portrays the idyllic lovers in the garden with poetry and song, affection and delight. If only we could all stay and play in paradise all day! Not even the Divine marriage is blissful when the partners step out into the real world of stress and temptation. Sure, this covenant is binding and in theory we don't have the choice to walk away. But separation through exile still persists so I still seek the model for reconciliation within the covenant, within marriage.
Baby Bird thought the tractor was his mother until it became scary and lifted him up, up, up off the ground. Oh no! I thought this was my marriage but it is not where I want to be, exclaimed this little chick many years ago.
Oh no! I want my mother, I need my moooothhhhherrrrr, baby bird screamed as the tractor was taking him far, far away. This really is not my marriage, and it is over, I realized way back when in a moment of acceptance.
Please put me down, baby bird cried as the tractor was placing him back in the nest in the tree. I followed my inner knowing through trembles and tremors and got through my divorce. And soon, baby bird was back safe at home. And the little chick flew the coop and found her way back to a new tree top nest, a sweet lake view condo paradise. And it was good, very very good.
I've heard that “remarriage is the victory of hope over experience.” (if you know the original source, please share.) This covenant idea that permeates my Jewish life is so persistant that hope returned eventually. Another chuppah, 4 children, 2 dogs later I sometimes still feel like that chick walking around asking “are you my marriage?” I wish there was a blueprint or an archetypal couple to consult.
Instead there is communication, there is commitment and there is covenant. If, like with the soul's connection to its Divine source, we cannot or do not want to disconnect, we have to keep returning, re-working, re-entering the covenant. Lord knows its not easy. Seriously, God is no expert in relationships and couldn't even write the book on marriage. So I shouldn't feel so bad that mine isn't perfect, there doesn't seem to be a perfect marriage out there. Anywhere. That's life, as they say. That's a shift in expectations, in the definition of covenant. That's a work in progress, always requiring both partners contribution, even when one of them is God.
Covenant is a commitment, an eternal every day choice to connect and accept the blessings and the responsibilities. Paradise is there for inspiration, not to set us up for failure. We count our days, we count on one another, we count on hope that the scary tractor will bring us safely back home to our nest.
After seven weeks of counting, we celebrate covenant with the gift of Torah on Shavuot. Let's consider it an anniversary, time to reconnect and re-enter the relationship however broken or complete it may be today.
Tonight will be the 46th day of the Omer, 6 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. The last Shabbat of the Omer.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Friday, May 14, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
34 No Knot Days (for Sara)
With a definite bias towards partnering people up in marriage, it is a bit strange that Judaism has black out days for weddings. Yep, we do. Basically the first thirty-three days of the Omer are no knot days, though they're not the only ones throughout the year. Biblically these days were the path from exodus from Egypt to revelation at Mt. Sinai, a trying trek marked by uncertainty and fear. Later history layered on mourning for 24,000 Torah students of Rabbi Akiva and another host of historical trauma. The 33rd day marked a change for the better and became an Israeli bonfire BBQ celebration called Lag B'Omer (the alpha-numerics for 33 is lamed (L=30) gimel(G=3), abbreviated as “Lag”). With exceptions, many Jewish communities permit weddings only on and after Lag B'Omer. A lenient ruling completes the mourning observances after Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day) prior to Lag B'Omer; still, some restrict the entire seven weeks.
The funeral procession always stops for a simcha. We never ignore joyous occasions to sit in our sorrow. When a simcha has been scheduled and a tragedy happens we don't delay the wedding, though we modify the form of celebration. From the start though, wedding planning considers cyclical times of mourning and we prevent schedule conflicts. The joy should be as pure as possible.
Weddings are supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. That's what the bridal business sells us. The emotions are much more complex and logistically it is not a carefree day. Having officiated at many weddings I know that sadness often makes its appearance at some point on the wedding day. Lots of brides and grooms stand under the chuppah without the parents and grandparents they always imagined would be there. So that sadness doesn't overwhelm, we separate the calendar date away from mourning periods and we create a space outside of the chuppah to remember the love and hopes and dreams of the parents who died before their child's wedding day. Pre-wedding rituals can be designed to draw up the love and soul connection so all the blessings of love and beautiful memories brighten the day.
There's an element of loss in every new beginning so that's not enough excuse to inhibit weddings; more than the mourning, the emotional quality of omer is instability. Wandering in the wilderness, looking backwards at the familiar landscape of suffering, dealing with major trust issues – these are not appropriate activities for entering a covenant. The midrash tells that God had to hold the mountain over our ancestors' heads until they agreed to accept the Torah. Until they got to Sinai they were not ready to create that covenant with God. Couples create a loving covenant of marriage under the chuppah, and the choice to enter must be clear. This is a moment of arrival, of acceptance and of faith which can only occur after revelation. The bright light of blessing illuminates clarity, certainty and commitment – necessary companions to love.
The Baal Shem Tov said:From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.
The seven weeks of the omer are a spiritual practice of preparation, a powerful tool towards transformation. At the end, each individual alone stands at Sinai to be initiated into the community of Israel, to be blessed by the stream of divine light. Open to receiving instruction and direction and illumination from the Source of all blessing, we pray that our choices create closeness in relationship with our beloved, with our families, with our friends. Seven cycles of seven, the fullness of full, wholeness of the whole, light joining light. Be'sha'ah tova, this is the hour of goodness!
Today is the 34th day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 6 days. Let the wedding season begin - mazal tov!
The funeral procession always stops for a simcha. We never ignore joyous occasions to sit in our sorrow. When a simcha has been scheduled and a tragedy happens we don't delay the wedding, though we modify the form of celebration. From the start though, wedding planning considers cyclical times of mourning and we prevent schedule conflicts. The joy should be as pure as possible.
Weddings are supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. That's what the bridal business sells us. The emotions are much more complex and logistically it is not a carefree day. Having officiated at many weddings I know that sadness often makes its appearance at some point on the wedding day. Lots of brides and grooms stand under the chuppah without the parents and grandparents they always imagined would be there. So that sadness doesn't overwhelm, we separate the calendar date away from mourning periods and we create a space outside of the chuppah to remember the love and hopes and dreams of the parents who died before their child's wedding day. Pre-wedding rituals can be designed to draw up the love and soul connection so all the blessings of love and beautiful memories brighten the day.
There's an element of loss in every new beginning so that's not enough excuse to inhibit weddings; more than the mourning, the emotional quality of omer is instability. Wandering in the wilderness, looking backwards at the familiar landscape of suffering, dealing with major trust issues – these are not appropriate activities for entering a covenant. The midrash tells that God had to hold the mountain over our ancestors' heads until they agreed to accept the Torah. Until they got to Sinai they were not ready to create that covenant with God. Couples create a loving covenant of marriage under the chuppah, and the choice to enter must be clear. This is a moment of arrival, of acceptance and of faith which can only occur after revelation. The bright light of blessing illuminates clarity, certainty and commitment – necessary companions to love.
The Baal Shem Tov said:From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.
The seven weeks of the omer are a spiritual practice of preparation, a powerful tool towards transformation. At the end, each individual alone stands at Sinai to be initiated into the community of Israel, to be blessed by the stream of divine light. Open to receiving instruction and direction and illumination from the Source of all blessing, we pray that our choices create closeness in relationship with our beloved, with our families, with our friends. Seven cycles of seven, the fullness of full, wholeness of the whole, light joining light. Be'sha'ah tova, this is the hour of goodness!
Today is the 34th day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 6 days. Let the wedding season begin - mazal tov!
Monday, April 19, 2010
20 - Triplets Twice
Six children under two, with only two birth dates amongst them, gobbled down an entire Tel Aviv pizza in minutes. Not a nursery school field trip, just two triplet families grabbing a rare unplanned moment to connect. That's how we roll, last minute, whatever works, as often as we can – which in reality means three times total in twenty months. For the first time they are big enough to play with one another, explore, share toys, lift gallon water weights, share solid food. Barely beyond the baby stage, these six cuties give their parents a chance to chat. Introduced by our ob/gyn, our relationship is founded on the sole shared experience of triplet life, not to be underestimated as anything less than an all-encompassing lens on life. One of the skills of being a triplet parent, we have learned how to distill parenting and housekeeping into powerful reductions without waste of time, energy or resources. Our survival depends on eliminating the extraneous and accepting assistance whenever offered or available. In the course of a couple hours watching the little ones and over dinner, we catch up on the trios, the older sibs, marriage, work, extended family, personal time (rather the lack of it).
I recalled memories of meeting this couple and bringing my months old girls along, visiting the expectant mom at home while on bed rest, holding their newborn babies in the hospital, stopping in to give support to a sister in the way that only one who survived can provide. Not that I was long past her milestones, our children are only seven months apart, six gestationally. At this point they share similar developmental achievements and interestingly there are parallel personalities in the birth order of our two sets. The baby As, the first borns, are both easy-going, sweet mush types and the baby Bs, next born, are both little pistols. The baby Cs have less obvious similarities but both are angelic daddy's girls.
Only Friday I re-published recollections of counting the days of my high-risk pregnancy (Anticipating the Omer: Counting of a Different Kind) and I re-read it too. The lived truths within the essay are still hard to hold; though much more healing has happened even since last year. Most of the time I don't remember the details about trying to conceive, learning about the triplet pregnancy, enduring it and extending it as long as possible for the sake of my babies while sacrificing my self. Isn't it so easy to forget painful moments and live presently in happier times? When I was in college first reflecting on my childhood there were so many blanks; with time work I filled them in and made sense of it all. There is a time to forget and a time to remember. Memory can protect us in both ways, enabling us to select what we need to survive and warning us what cannot be repeated. Memory can enable happiness too, providing contrast and gratitude.
My presence for this triplet mom during her pregnancy was modeled for me by an another amazing multiple mom. A common experience brought us together and deep friendships developed on both sides, between me and my family and each of the other families. In addition to having multiples, each of these three families has four children and we especially appreciate a warm home full of love and bodies. We know better than to judge, value gemilut hasadim (acts of lovingkindness), live modestly, and respect each others' accomplishments as parents and partners.
Friends help us remember who we are, where we've been, why we're here and how we want to move into the future together. They hold up the memories that may be buried away from pain so we can integrate them and honor them in the present. Friends see our strengths and success and remind us of those too. They bless our memories and create new memories with us.
Today is the 20th day of the Omer, that is 2 weeks and 6 days of the Omer. Today is Yom Hazikaron, a day of memory.
Practice: Take at least a minute of silence to remember lost memories. Consider how they shaped your present and how presence to them can bring blessings for you. Remember the memories of loved ones lost, honor their memory with action. Remember the sacrifice those you knew and did not know gave for your values, to give the gifts you cherish the most.
I recalled memories of meeting this couple and bringing my months old girls along, visiting the expectant mom at home while on bed rest, holding their newborn babies in the hospital, stopping in to give support to a sister in the way that only one who survived can provide. Not that I was long past her milestones, our children are only seven months apart, six gestationally. At this point they share similar developmental achievements and interestingly there are parallel personalities in the birth order of our two sets. The baby As, the first borns, are both easy-going, sweet mush types and the baby Bs, next born, are both little pistols. The baby Cs have less obvious similarities but both are angelic daddy's girls.
Only Friday I re-published recollections of counting the days of my high-risk pregnancy (Anticipating the Omer: Counting of a Different Kind) and I re-read it too. The lived truths within the essay are still hard to hold; though much more healing has happened even since last year. Most of the time I don't remember the details about trying to conceive, learning about the triplet pregnancy, enduring it and extending it as long as possible for the sake of my babies while sacrificing my self. Isn't it so easy to forget painful moments and live presently in happier times? When I was in college first reflecting on my childhood there were so many blanks; with time work I filled them in and made sense of it all. There is a time to forget and a time to remember. Memory can protect us in both ways, enabling us to select what we need to survive and warning us what cannot be repeated. Memory can enable happiness too, providing contrast and gratitude.
My presence for this triplet mom during her pregnancy was modeled for me by an another amazing multiple mom. A common experience brought us together and deep friendships developed on both sides, between me and my family and each of the other families. In addition to having multiples, each of these three families has four children and we especially appreciate a warm home full of love and bodies. We know better than to judge, value gemilut hasadim (acts of lovingkindness), live modestly, and respect each others' accomplishments as parents and partners.
Friends help us remember who we are, where we've been, why we're here and how we want to move into the future together. They hold up the memories that may be buried away from pain so we can integrate them and honor them in the present. Friends see our strengths and success and remind us of those too. They bless our memories and create new memories with us.
Today is the 20th day of the Omer, that is 2 weeks and 6 days of the Omer. Today is Yom Hazikaron, a day of memory.
Practice: Take at least a minute of silence to remember lost memories. Consider how they shaped your present and how presence to them can bring blessings for you. Remember the memories of loved ones lost, honor their memory with action. Remember the sacrifice those you knew and did not know gave for your values, to give the gifts you cherish the most.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
14 - Soul Bundles
Too busy, then too tired, from doing a mom job designing a siddur cover for an upcoming ceremony, writing about the omer was not happening last night.
All day long I had been thinking about the approaching day number fourteen, the day of June in 2008 that I birthed my three now-toddler babies. For sure it has become my favorite number, next to the pervasive and simple power of 3. The gematria geek in me loves that it is divided to make 7, my older daughters birth date (March '02), and multiplied to make 28, the dates of both their Abba's and Eema's birth (in September and November of respectively – of different years). All on cycles of seven, the holy number of completion and Shabbat peace, we are a soul family, drawn together to create a sacred home.
My previously quoted friend Nikki taught me at my pre-wedding women's Shabbat gathering that she knows the primary value that defines her marriage and she keeps it in mind, especially when she looks in her husband's eyes during a tough time. Of all the lessons shared by women that day, hers is the one that I count on the most. I remember the first time my husband and I held each other I felt something mystical in my heart, heart opening, heart connection. It took some attention and observation to discover (and confirm and re-affirm) that the primary value that defines my marriage is generosity. We inspire generosity in one another and challenge each other to expand our hearts, home and pockets in hospitality, sharing and openness. While writing today my musical muse is none other than Naomi Less, who was the spiritual leader of that Shabbat Kallah (Bride's Shabbat). Our theme song “What You Give” just revealed itself while I'm listening to her cd Meshuga'at. “ And I believe, ani maamina, that the life you live is about what you give.” More than anything, this is our family belief.
My oldest daughter, the big sister of triplets, was my first soul daughter and despite having no biological connection to her nor a legal one, I selfishly feel that she was brought into the world for me. Not only for me, but still, for our souls to share life together. When she is not at home with us, a piece is missing. When she is at home, or at least sleeping at home for the night, the peace returns. Last night I was creating a photo collage of her first day of Hebrew school, her Purim costumes throughout the years, Hanukah candlelighting, pre-Holiday photos, and life cycle moments; this will become the siddur cover for her very first siddur. Last Shabbat she read Torah for the first time. Eight years old and she wants to read Torah, reminds me to light Shabbat candles, and is a mitzvah maker.
Like her, I am an oldest daugher-oldest child and am positioned between parents as the first tie that binds. Negotiating the changes my father's illness forces in our family, my perspective on my divorced parents is compassionate to both. All through their divorce and post-divorce life I set a clear zero-tolerance boundary for negative complaints about each other. I'll allow a certain amount of reflection of the past, but no current criticism. Knowing first hand how divorce redefines one's life, I try to be compassionate to my parents without enabling triangulation. They are grown ups with their own adult resources and are doing just fine with it. Now, unexpectedly- we are again in close proximity again, having celebrated Passover all together. As a child, it was surprisingly sweet to have both my parents there, with my mom's new husband, and with all of us children and grandchildren. Worth mentioning is that Passover begins on the 14th of Nissan.
I think the most important thing a parent can model for their children is a loving and respectful regard for the other people the child loves. Including one's self, the other parent or parents, if any, grandparents, siblings. Regardless of how young or old the child is, she is the center of her own world of soul connections. Parenting is not easy, especially challenging when you don't have that soul connection or any positive feelings for the other important people in your child's life.
Imagine the twine that rounds a bundle of grain, a literal Omer. We each bundle together our soul family. My s-daughter bundles me together as her "other mother", in with my husband and also with her mother. She is our only connection to her mother, and holds us together in her top three caretakers, love providers and role models. That alone forces the responsibility upon us to treat one another – with words, actions AND heart- with goodness, respect and dare-I-say a beloved regard. Realizing this ideal is the most emotionally challenging task, especially when thinking about the history and even current conflicts. And, even when the other is mean, spiteful, abusive, hateful to us, we are responsible for fostering only love between our child and that person. I can hold this expectation for my parents because I hold it for myself, and I hold God accountable in the same manner. More than simply giving money for tzedakah from the physical realm, we reach deep into our mental depths and through our spiritual seeking to consciously carefully give generously from our hearts.
Today is the 14th day of the Omer, which is 2 weeks of the Omer.
From What You Give (Naomi Less on Meshuga'at) – www.naomiless.com:
My mind will know your troubles, but I don't comprehend
how your pain will never turn you bitter in the end.
You never show the truth behind your unassuming smile,
so rest a minute listen to my words
You bring me joy, sasson v'simcha,
you bring great love, ahava rabba,
And I believe, ani maamina,
that the life you live is about what you give.”
more reflections:
Safety first, always sharing love, then what else? I asked my facebook friends “what is the most important thing a parent should model for their children?” Answers include: shoes, patience, and shalom bayit. What would you add? What can you do today to free yourself up to be the best you can be?
Stress makes it hard to be our best. You may need to start with some alone time, self-nurturing, a treat. I would start with dark chocolate, a long hot shower and my 10 step miessence (www.ravyogaorganics.com) facial at home. Before putting yourself through a rigorous inventory, take care of yourself and then consider your primary values. Please share!
All day long I had been thinking about the approaching day number fourteen, the day of June in 2008 that I birthed my three now-toddler babies. For sure it has become my favorite number, next to the pervasive and simple power of 3. The gematria geek in me loves that it is divided to make 7, my older daughters birth date (March '02), and multiplied to make 28, the dates of both their Abba's and Eema's birth (in September and November of respectively – of different years). All on cycles of seven, the holy number of completion and Shabbat peace, we are a soul family, drawn together to create a sacred home.
My previously quoted friend Nikki taught me at my pre-wedding women's Shabbat gathering that she knows the primary value that defines her marriage and she keeps it in mind, especially when she looks in her husband's eyes during a tough time. Of all the lessons shared by women that day, hers is the one that I count on the most. I remember the first time my husband and I held each other I felt something mystical in my heart, heart opening, heart connection. It took some attention and observation to discover (and confirm and re-affirm) that the primary value that defines my marriage is generosity. We inspire generosity in one another and challenge each other to expand our hearts, home and pockets in hospitality, sharing and openness. While writing today my musical muse is none other than Naomi Less, who was the spiritual leader of that Shabbat Kallah (Bride's Shabbat). Our theme song “What You Give” just revealed itself while I'm listening to her cd Meshuga'at. “ And I believe, ani maamina, that the life you live is about what you give.” More than anything, this is our family belief.
My oldest daughter, the big sister of triplets, was my first soul daughter and despite having no biological connection to her nor a legal one, I selfishly feel that she was brought into the world for me. Not only for me, but still, for our souls to share life together. When she is not at home with us, a piece is missing. When she is at home, or at least sleeping at home for the night, the peace returns. Last night I was creating a photo collage of her first day of Hebrew school, her Purim costumes throughout the years, Hanukah candlelighting, pre-Holiday photos, and life cycle moments; this will become the siddur cover for her very first siddur. Last Shabbat she read Torah for the first time. Eight years old and she wants to read Torah, reminds me to light Shabbat candles, and is a mitzvah maker.
Like her, I am an oldest daugher-oldest child and am positioned between parents as the first tie that binds. Negotiating the changes my father's illness forces in our family, my perspective on my divorced parents is compassionate to both. All through their divorce and post-divorce life I set a clear zero-tolerance boundary for negative complaints about each other. I'll allow a certain amount of reflection of the past, but no current criticism. Knowing first hand how divorce redefines one's life, I try to be compassionate to my parents without enabling triangulation. They are grown ups with their own adult resources and are doing just fine with it. Now, unexpectedly- we are again in close proximity again, having celebrated Passover all together. As a child, it was surprisingly sweet to have both my parents there, with my mom's new husband, and with all of us children and grandchildren. Worth mentioning is that Passover begins on the 14th of Nissan.
I think the most important thing a parent can model for their children is a loving and respectful regard for the other people the child loves. Including one's self, the other parent or parents, if any, grandparents, siblings. Regardless of how young or old the child is, she is the center of her own world of soul connections. Parenting is not easy, especially challenging when you don't have that soul connection or any positive feelings for the other important people in your child's life.
Imagine the twine that rounds a bundle of grain, a literal Omer. We each bundle together our soul family. My s-daughter bundles me together as her "other mother", in with my husband and also with her mother. She is our only connection to her mother, and holds us together in her top three caretakers, love providers and role models. That alone forces the responsibility upon us to treat one another – with words, actions AND heart- with goodness, respect and dare-I-say a beloved regard. Realizing this ideal is the most emotionally challenging task, especially when thinking about the history and even current conflicts. And, even when the other is mean, spiteful, abusive, hateful to us, we are responsible for fostering only love between our child and that person. I can hold this expectation for my parents because I hold it for myself, and I hold God accountable in the same manner. More than simply giving money for tzedakah from the physical realm, we reach deep into our mental depths and through our spiritual seeking to consciously carefully give generously from our hearts.
Today is the 14th day of the Omer, which is 2 weeks of the Omer.
From What You Give (Naomi Less on Meshuga'at) – www.naomiless.com:
My mind will know your troubles, but I don't comprehend
how your pain will never turn you bitter in the end.
You never show the truth behind your unassuming smile,
so rest a minute listen to my words
You bring me joy, sasson v'simcha,
you bring great love, ahava rabba,
And I believe, ani maamina,
that the life you live is about what you give.”
more reflections:
Safety first, always sharing love, then what else? I asked my facebook friends “what is the most important thing a parent should model for their children?” Answers include: shoes, patience, and shalom bayit. What would you add? What can you do today to free yourself up to be the best you can be?
Stress makes it hard to be our best. You may need to start with some alone time, self-nurturing, a treat. I would start with dark chocolate, a long hot shower and my 10 step miessence (www.ravyogaorganics.com) facial at home. Before putting yourself through a rigorous inventory, take care of yourself and then consider your primary values. Please share!
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