“Woo hoo on date night, first in months, sat dateless in a theater for a 6 pm movie called Date Night, then had dinner with my mother.” Husband was worse off, buried in work while wanting just as much to be out on date night with me. Poor pity potty me out at a movie by myself (something I have enjoyed by choice many many times). I continued, "Was more fun to be single, even divorced."
OK, I cheated. Started my omer writing before sundown while waiting for the previews, then kept my eyes on the blackberry emailing myself the previous words.
Couldn't help but avert my eyes towards the glittery Sex in the City 2 trailer. What a fab tease, the girls are back, glamorous as ever two years post the Big wedding. Charlotte and Miranda share a teary scene; “it's hard to be a mom”. Carrie lays in bed with Big wondering where the romance went. Stiletto deep in identity crises, Samantha saves the drab day by taking the fabulous four for a fantastic extravagant Abu Dhabi va(jay-jay)cation. I will be back for more.
During the height of the TV show I was part of a fab foursome of friends. Each of us sexy, strong and single, we had weekly dinners and shared date stories. We made sushi on New Years Eve and went dancing, supported each others careers and enjoyed our time together. Unlike our fictional parallel characters, we haven't been as fortunate as Carrie Bradshaw and friends in maintaining the closeness. I often think of them, miss them, send them psychic love, and I wonder...What is it about friendships that allows them to fade? For things to pull us apart? For one or the other to become distant, to get more involved or interested in others. For things to get beyond repair or below priority? Been keeping my eyes open for a book to explain it all, the complexity of women's friendships and how to move on without always feeling unresolved drama and sadness.
I feel loss in current relationships too, that I don't have the personal time to divvy up for my friends. That my friends, too, get too busy for me. That my husband is also often too busy for me, working his tushie off to keep us afloat. I miss the flirting of dates gone by and the fun with friends. Can't recall the last movie I saw? Or last date I had? Last time I danced or laughed with friends.
Feeling more sentimental than sorry for myself, reality is that life now is about a survival partnership and deep purpose, and fun gets the shaft. Don't get me wrong, I embrace my choices and love my life. My daughter throws her head at my nose, and miraculously when the pain fades I notice that she straightened out a bump. I spend so much time (poorly) doing domestic tasks that need to be done. I grab moments for my work, my writing, a rare shower. I enjoy my girls, their hugs and kisses and silliness, and appreciate my husband and our sweet moments of affection. Life is meaning-full and joyful yet not necessarily full of fun nor levity.
Feeling like this, the movie began, then all bets were off. I laughed so hard, so long, so deep. Date Night was fun and funny. No matter that I was the only person in the theater, the sound of my laughter carried the space. I saw my marriage in the opening scenes – kids jumping painfully onto the parents, two exhausted adults who almost let the inertia cancel out date plans even when the sitter shows up. Then the movie took off with action, timing, great writing and an amazing cast led by the two funniest people in the biz today – Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Subtle humor followed with big bang comedy, extended hysterical scenes, high energy and hilarious characters. Set in NYC it has all the character of the most entertaining and fun city, and it's set to a great music soundtrack too. This is a great date or dateless movie, and I will see it again with my husband. The laughter did me good.
Though date night tonight was in fact date less, Date Night made me feel good about my marriage. When Foster (Carrell) says his last line to his wife (Fey) “I'd choose you. Every time.” I felt the same. So, my sitter showed up and my husband had a date deadline with work instead of his wife, choosing this movie was a tribute to him. "It's my love letter to commitment," says the filmmaker Shawn Levy. Awww.
Next up, dinner with my mom, which felt more like quality time with an old friend. In contrast to our usual conversations interrupted by needy children, we actually had multiple conversations about a variety of topics. These days I'm always pleasantly surprised when a dialogue actually has a beginning, middle and end. Date night really shaped up.
Choice is the main difference between relationships that last and those that don't. I'm realizing that the commitment of marriage makes all the difference in outcome. Creating a sacred covenant with another person is a clear soul intention to forever intertwine your destinies, your bodies, your homes. Sometimes people get un-married too, yet it doesn't diminish the original intention to spend forever together and the intimacy and interconnection that establishes itself. Once a marital contract is formed, the commitment contains the the choices that continue every day. Children are also a choice. Irregardless if one becomes a parent unintentionally or with great struggle, there is a spiritual way that souls choose to join a family. The parent-child bond survives death and family discord too.
Friendships form by happenstance, geography, proximity, affiliation, not necessarily by intentional choice nor with a commitment. Imagine if we had ceremonies to promise to be friends forever. No, most friendships require a loose hold. They are not exclusive and do not ask nearly as much of us as marriage or children or parents do. Possibly that explains their impermanence. Friendships are precious and provide many essential supports that marriage and family just cannot. They help us sustain our marriages and withstand family drama. Without a life time commitment, our choices of friends have the freedom to match each age and stage of life, with some friendships really lasting lifetimes. The really special ones are our soul sisters (and brothers), drawn together by a spiritual string. Friends can become family of choice when family of origin disintegrates. I love my friends, past and current, and I want more and more time for fun, for fellowship, for real. I love my husband and I want more and more time with him forever. “Honey, I'd choose you. Every time.”
Today is the 22nd night of the Omer, 3 weeks and 1 day of the Omer.
Practice: laughter is a spiritual practice. Go out and laugh. Find a movie new or old, or friend new or old who/that makes you laugh till your sides hurt.
Showing posts with label marraige. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marraige. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
13 - Endings and Beginnings
Today I helped two couples finalize their divorces. And I said mazal tov each time.
Divorce itself is not cause for celebration, clearly it is a loss of hopes and dreams. By the time couples initiate the Jewish legal divorce process their civil divorce is complete. Often they wait years, until one of the two is ready to re-marry, to get the Get – the document that severs the bond of marriage. At that point, the mazal tov acknowledges their readiness to welcome new beginnings. Of course I only select those words when I know the situation. And even then, when years have passed – five, ten even thirty years- the Jewish divorce proceedings draw up some amount of emotional tension and uneasiness. Though each person has “moved on” in life as if they were divorced, they know on a deep level that this tie still binds. No matter that they have no regard for Jewish law, they know that they neglected to finalize a Jewish divorce and at some psychic level feel that mental-spiritual attachment.
Mazal tov actually implies a wish that the stars and constellations will be aligned in a good way. In this sense that is always an appropriate blessing, more specific than a blanket congratulations. With divorce, a hand written document is drawn up specifically for these two people and for the sake of their divorce. It permanently breaks the bond of covenant created under the chuppah, an action that no one ever envisions for themselves. At the wedding, a forever future is dreamed up as two people bind their destinies together. With divorce comes the end of those dreams and a often jarring jump to a new path, new cosmos.
Having been through it myself, I know that it can be the right thing. And even when it is, that it can be the hardest thing a person does. When I facilitate the Get process my intent is to accompany the individuals in their decision to pursue a Jewish divorce. I honor their choice, educate them about the process and encourage them to seek support. Trying to balance ritual meaning with particular and scripted legal requirements, I wonder if there is more I can do to represent Jewish wisdom on loss, and starting over.
Heart pounding when purchasing a book about divorce, scared to share my decision, I remember feeling so lonely and ashamed. Once made, the decision was a revelation of truth yet did nothing to lessen my love. We divided property and pets and began an excruciating period of negotiating acceptable contact.
When a rabbi told me that it takes five years to get over divorce, I optimistically hoped it would be shorter for me since I was certain in my decision and already felt relief. Life moves on and even improved immediately for me, and I know my ex-husband had a quite different experience. I wish neither of us had to go through that pain, the grief, at our own time, in our own world, and my sympathy extends to both of us and to every person that dissolves a marriage. I wasn't so special to get a shortened sentence. And now, I believe that there is always some degree of healing that can happen even five, ten, thirty years later.
Safely on the other side, I know that the stars do shine after the darkness of divorce blows over. The relationship had its lessons, its learnings. The divorce cultivated strength and resolve. Completely certainly and undoubtably severing that bond is essential and that is why I feel strongly about facilitating the process for every divorcing or divorced person.
Mazal tov is good fortune, which is certain to follow, in time. A whole new constellation of life awaits, worlds of blessings, rays of illumination.
Today is the 13th day of the Omer. One week and six days.
For your practice: what needs closure in your life? How can you become ready to end that chapter? In what ways are you still mourning past losses? What are your lessons and learnings from the past? How do you dream your stars will re-align? Create a ritual for yourself to sever a bond that you need to let go of. Consider writing, mikveh, time in nature, art and more.
Divorce itself is not cause for celebration, clearly it is a loss of hopes and dreams. By the time couples initiate the Jewish legal divorce process their civil divorce is complete. Often they wait years, until one of the two is ready to re-marry, to get the Get – the document that severs the bond of marriage. At that point, the mazal tov acknowledges their readiness to welcome new beginnings. Of course I only select those words when I know the situation. And even then, when years have passed – five, ten even thirty years- the Jewish divorce proceedings draw up some amount of emotional tension and uneasiness. Though each person has “moved on” in life as if they were divorced, they know on a deep level that this tie still binds. No matter that they have no regard for Jewish law, they know that they neglected to finalize a Jewish divorce and at some psychic level feel that mental-spiritual attachment.
Mazal tov actually implies a wish that the stars and constellations will be aligned in a good way. In this sense that is always an appropriate blessing, more specific than a blanket congratulations. With divorce, a hand written document is drawn up specifically for these two people and for the sake of their divorce. It permanently breaks the bond of covenant created under the chuppah, an action that no one ever envisions for themselves. At the wedding, a forever future is dreamed up as two people bind their destinies together. With divorce comes the end of those dreams and a often jarring jump to a new path, new cosmos.
Having been through it myself, I know that it can be the right thing. And even when it is, that it can be the hardest thing a person does. When I facilitate the Get process my intent is to accompany the individuals in their decision to pursue a Jewish divorce. I honor their choice, educate them about the process and encourage them to seek support. Trying to balance ritual meaning with particular and scripted legal requirements, I wonder if there is more I can do to represent Jewish wisdom on loss, and starting over.
Heart pounding when purchasing a book about divorce, scared to share my decision, I remember feeling so lonely and ashamed. Once made, the decision was a revelation of truth yet did nothing to lessen my love. We divided property and pets and began an excruciating period of negotiating acceptable contact.
When a rabbi told me that it takes five years to get over divorce, I optimistically hoped it would be shorter for me since I was certain in my decision and already felt relief. Life moves on and even improved immediately for me, and I know my ex-husband had a quite different experience. I wish neither of us had to go through that pain, the grief, at our own time, in our own world, and my sympathy extends to both of us and to every person that dissolves a marriage. I wasn't so special to get a shortened sentence. And now, I believe that there is always some degree of healing that can happen even five, ten, thirty years later.
Safely on the other side, I know that the stars do shine after the darkness of divorce blows over. The relationship had its lessons, its learnings. The divorce cultivated strength and resolve. Completely certainly and undoubtably severing that bond is essential and that is why I feel strongly about facilitating the process for every divorcing or divorced person.
Mazal tov is good fortune, which is certain to follow, in time. A whole new constellation of life awaits, worlds of blessings, rays of illumination.
Today is the 13th day of the Omer. One week and six days.
For your practice: what needs closure in your life? How can you become ready to end that chapter? In what ways are you still mourning past losses? What are your lessons and learnings from the past? How do you dream your stars will re-align? Create a ritual for yourself to sever a bond that you need to let go of. Consider writing, mikveh, time in nature, art and more.
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