45 - Coming Thru Crisis

I was a late bloomer in many areas- losing teeth, starting menses, losing my virginity- yet I had an early exposure to crisis and the spiritual growth opportunity it brings, for many in a mid-life crisis. I was seventeen when my father suddenly became paralyzed and my family life turned upside-down and inside out, and I was eighteen in therapy when my now exposed family dysfunction and unhealthy ways of self-medicating my wounds brought me to recovery. The old timers called me a babe and were happy to see someone so young already in meetings. For me, the suffering had lasted long enough and my bottom was bottom enough. I got to work on the steps, on myself, and on my relationship with God.

With amazing clarity I remember sitting in Burger King (pre-Starbucks plus a place where I wouldn't see anyone who knew me) with my journal and the Big Book. My task was to reconcile the God of my childhood Hebrew school and synagogue teaching with this strange concept of a Higher Power. I wrote and wrote and wrote and thus began to figure out what I believed, how God moved in my life and how the God of my understanding is also the God of Israel and also quite a different person than the judgmental white bearded male omniscient being associate with Judaism of my childhood. Fortunate for me I simultaneously found my way into college class with a rabbinic expert on the mystical and theological. All at the same time, I found a home in 12 Step and a rich treasure of wisdom in Jewish teaching with my college mentor, Dr./Rabbi/Professor David Blumenthal.

My theological influences were radically non-traditional. After one of my first meetings, a southern baptist woman gracefully offered a few words of God instruction to my tear covered face. While standing with one foot in the car, unsure about the whole Higher Power thing, Joni taught me that God is always there riding in the passenger seat. Still, when I'm wondering where God is in my life, I step into the car and look to my side and ask God to go for a ride. Beyond my advanced beginning into Jewish studies with a Talmud class, I continued with Zohar and Advanced Zohar. Not on the usual course guide, these classes were rare gems in their existence and authenticity, shining with the deep ernest and caring brilliance of my teacher. This primary text of Jewish mystiscm, a mystery to most, was my foundational theological source. Flow of blessing, dynamic movement from polarities to balance, intentional union, the belief that we can change God with our intent and actions – these formed my soul development.

Daily work, daily meetings, step work, journal work, teshuvah and more teshuvah, establishing sacred boundaries. For years and decades now these tools shaped me and helped me survive though it has not been linear. Developing strength prepared me to face more demons, learning to trust I had major disappointments, new challenges leveled me.

Two years ago today I was counting the omer and completed my 32nd week of triplet pregnancy, of which 6 weeks and 5 days had been omer days. My Pregnancy Journal notes I “didn't sleep much last night, watched movie 27 Dresses on pay per view at 3:30 am.” All nights were on the sofa since on the bed I'd get stuck like a turtle on her back (even if I was on my side, with pillows propped everywhere). The ob/gyn estimated Baby A to weigh 4 lbs 5 ounces, Baby B at 2 lbs 8 ounces and C at 3 lbs 5 ounces. (At birth they were only 3 lb 14 oz, 3 lb and 3 lb .5 oz.) My bp was 115/75, I weighed 225 pounds and I had contractions in the taxi. A synagogue friend came over to feed me lunch; a rotating cast of righteous people visited me on bed [sic. sofa] rest daily. I was heavy, getting around my condo in a wheel chair, focused on my goal of counting through the omer, and not feeling particularly spiritual. Survival for my babies and me was the daily challenge, far from soulfully secure or even certain that God was in the picture at all. The tiny ones would arrive via 'emergency' c-section ten days later and it would be some time before I'd ever have a moment to ponder God's presence. Even now, after nearly two years of living with these miracles, sweet souls most certainly guarded by a Higher Power, I wouldn't claim to have a repaired relationship or neat theological statement.

Yes, as commented last night, crisis compels a response. Sometimes people respond with spiritual seeking and openness and deepening, and some swirl deeper into distress. At whatever age one first starts seeking, it is life changing. The flow of blessing as light pierces the darkness and a thin ray of light appears. In each cycle of returning towards oneness, our prayers and open hearts affect union and balance above, which then flows below.

Feeling the absence of God's presence doesn't mean that God isn't present; God goes underground at times. This I learned from studying the Dark Night of the Soul, especially Spiritual Director and author Gerry May's amazing take on it. Even when I forget what I know to be true because I'm at that 7th Level of Tired or when everything feels unfair or when people die, just because I don't feel that special spiritual bliss doesn't mean that the God of my understanding was just a dream. Physical, emotional, financial stress can all place paralyzing pressure on the spinal cord of the soul. What feels like permanent paralysis is a feeling, a nerve reaction, that on the spiritual level cannot impact the integrity of Godliness. Souls have unique and impenetrable characteristics, the collective Source of souls is likewise eternal.

A spiritual program is a full time job. Lessons abound in the 12 Steps, in traditional and mystical texts and teachings, in breath, in yoga, in spiritual writings, in friendship, in love, in children.

Tonight is the 45th night of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.


Practice: Put your feet up. Lay on the floor with your feet up the wall. Try placing a folded blanket under your hips so they are raised slightly. This posture involves turning yourself upside-down. Rather than disrupting your life, it is a restorative pose, resting your legs and feet and also allowing your upper body and abdomen to relax into the floor. 5 minutes minimum.