Today is day three of the Omer, add one and you have the day that begins tonight (Friday night April 22).
I only just managed to post day #3 and will do a different format for this Shabbat Omer counting. Four step personal spiritual practices follow!
Tefilla Yoga
[If you live in or near Chicago, join me tomorrow morning for Tefilla Yoga. The practice will be supportive to bodies who've been exposed to harsh matzoh, late nights, and changing schedules, travel and tiredness. Expect some enjoyable embodiment and restorative poses. 8:00-9:30 am @ Anshe Emet, 3751 N Broadway Chicago]
Do these practice all together or at different times of the night/day.
1. Shabbat Shalom! Light Shabbat candles. Cover your eyes and say the bracha for Shabbat candlelighting. Keep your eyes covered and add personal blessings. Talk to God, ask for what you need, then for blessings for those in your life. Include those who love and support you who are easy to bless, and also people who may not give you what you need, but still need your blessings. May Divine light illuminate your Shabbat, care for you, bring you rest and support.
2. Find a spot to sit. Notice your posture and allow yourself to sit up tall, shoulders wide and down, chest open. Notice your breath. Shift into breathing in through your nostrils deep into your lungs, slowly - generously. Exhale slowly and fully through your nostrils. Repeat for a total of four cycles, breathing in the gift of life, divine breath moving your soul in and through your body. *You may want to sit in front of your Shabbat candles, gazing at the flames dancing.
3. Find open wall space and bring a pillow or blanket. Sit on the floor (or pillow/blanket) really close to the wall, with one hip next to wall, knees bent. Slide onto the floor on your side, roll onto your back, and put your legs up the wall. Adjust the pillow/blanket under your hips. Let yourself settle in here, giving your feet and legs a break. Relax your jaw and neck. Pay attention to how you feel, notice what changes over the next four (or so) minutes. *You may want to first cleanse and exfoliate your face and hands, and apply a mask to your face. Relax into this pose as the mask removes impurities from your skin. Remember to moisturize afterwards.
4. Lay on your back in Shabbatsana. Slide your shoulders down away from your ears, neck long, face relaxed. Let your body be heavy, feel yourself held and supported. Four is the number of Imahot, the Mothers. Invoke the mothers in your life, sources of life, nourishment, nurturing, wisdom. They may be alive in the world now, or no longer, your family or not, female or male. Feel them holding you, blessing you. Remember what a miracle you are, just for being born, for the strength of your soul residing in your body. Realize that with all your talents and accomplishments, your soul is on this Omer journey, moving from constraint to freedom, from burden to joy. Notice where you feel clouded or heavy and where you feel bright and light. Celebrate both. Count the Omer. Tonight is the fourth night of the Omer.
Showing posts with label Rav Yoga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rav Yoga. Show all posts
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday, May 14, 2010
45 - Coming Thru Crisis
I was a late bloomer in many areas- losing teeth, starting menses, losing my virginity- yet I had an early exposure to crisis and the spiritual growth opportunity it brings, for many in a mid-life crisis. I was seventeen when my father suddenly became paralyzed and my family life turned upside-down and inside out, and I was eighteen in therapy when my now exposed family dysfunction and unhealthy ways of self-medicating my wounds brought me to recovery. The old timers called me a babe and were happy to see someone so young already in meetings. For me, the suffering had lasted long enough and my bottom was bottom enough. I got to work on the steps, on myself, and on my relationship with God.
With amazing clarity I remember sitting in Burger King (pre-Starbucks plus a place where I wouldn't see anyone who knew me) with my journal and the Big Book. My task was to reconcile the God of my childhood Hebrew school and synagogue teaching with this strange concept of a Higher Power. I wrote and wrote and wrote and thus began to figure out what I believed, how God moved in my life and how the God of my understanding is also the God of Israel and also quite a different person than the judgmental white bearded male omniscient being associate with Judaism of my childhood. Fortunate for me I simultaneously found my way into college class with a rabbinic expert on the mystical and theological. All at the same time, I found a home in 12 Step and a rich treasure of wisdom in Jewish teaching with my college mentor, Dr./Rabbi/Professor David Blumenthal.
My theological influences were radically non-traditional. After one of my first meetings, a southern baptist woman gracefully offered a few words of God instruction to my tear covered face. While standing with one foot in the car, unsure about the whole Higher Power thing, Joni taught me that God is always there riding in the passenger seat. Still, when I'm wondering where God is in my life, I step into the car and look to my side and ask God to go for a ride. Beyond my advanced beginning into Jewish studies with a Talmud class, I continued with Zohar and Advanced Zohar. Not on the usual course guide, these classes were rare gems in their existence and authenticity, shining with the deep ernest and caring brilliance of my teacher. This primary text of Jewish mystiscm, a mystery to most, was my foundational theological source. Flow of blessing, dynamic movement from polarities to balance, intentional union, the belief that we can change God with our intent and actions – these formed my soul development.
Daily work, daily meetings, step work, journal work, teshuvah and more teshuvah, establishing sacred boundaries. For years and decades now these tools shaped me and helped me survive though it has not been linear. Developing strength prepared me to face more demons, learning to trust I had major disappointments, new challenges leveled me.
Two years ago today I was counting the omer and completed my 32nd week of triplet pregnancy, of which 6 weeks and 5 days had been omer days. My Pregnancy Journal notes I “didn't sleep much last night, watched movie 27 Dresses on pay per view at 3:30 am.” All nights were on the sofa since on the bed I'd get stuck like a turtle on her back (even if I was on my side, with pillows propped everywhere). The ob/gyn estimated Baby A to weigh 4 lbs 5 ounces, Baby B at 2 lbs 8 ounces and C at 3 lbs 5 ounces. (At birth they were only 3 lb 14 oz, 3 lb and 3 lb .5 oz.) My bp was 115/75, I weighed 225 pounds and I had contractions in the taxi. A synagogue friend came over to feed me lunch; a rotating cast of righteous people visited me on bed [sic. sofa] rest daily. I was heavy, getting around my condo in a wheel chair, focused on my goal of counting through the omer, and not feeling particularly spiritual. Survival for my babies and me was the daily challenge, far from soulfully secure or even certain that God was in the picture at all. The tiny ones would arrive via 'emergency' c-section ten days later and it would be some time before I'd ever have a moment to ponder God's presence. Even now, after nearly two years of living with these miracles, sweet souls most certainly guarded by a Higher Power, I wouldn't claim to have a repaired relationship or neat theological statement.
Yes, as commented last night, crisis compels a response. Sometimes people respond with spiritual seeking and openness and deepening, and some swirl deeper into distress. At whatever age one first starts seeking, it is life changing. The flow of blessing as light pierces the darkness and a thin ray of light appears. In each cycle of returning towards oneness, our prayers and open hearts affect union and balance above, which then flows below.
Feeling the absence of God's presence doesn't mean that God isn't present; God goes underground at times. This I learned from studying the Dark Night of the Soul, especially Spiritual Director and author Gerry May's amazing take on it. Even when I forget what I know to be true because I'm at that 7th Level of Tired or when everything feels unfair or when people die, just because I don't feel that special spiritual bliss doesn't mean that the God of my understanding was just a dream. Physical, emotional, financial stress can all place paralyzing pressure on the spinal cord of the soul. What feels like permanent paralysis is a feeling, a nerve reaction, that on the spiritual level cannot impact the integrity of Godliness. Souls have unique and impenetrable characteristics, the collective Source of souls is likewise eternal.
A spiritual program is a full time job. Lessons abound in the 12 Steps, in traditional and mystical texts and teachings, in breath, in yoga, in spiritual writings, in friendship, in love, in children.
Tonight is the 45th night of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
Practice: Put your feet up. Lay on the floor with your feet up the wall. Try placing a folded blanket under your hips so they are raised slightly. This posture involves turning yourself upside-down. Rather than disrupting your life, it is a restorative pose, resting your legs and feet and also allowing your upper body and abdomen to relax into the floor. 5 minutes minimum.
With amazing clarity I remember sitting in Burger King (pre-Starbucks plus a place where I wouldn't see anyone who knew me) with my journal and the Big Book. My task was to reconcile the God of my childhood Hebrew school and synagogue teaching with this strange concept of a Higher Power. I wrote and wrote and wrote and thus began to figure out what I believed, how God moved in my life and how the God of my understanding is also the God of Israel and also quite a different person than the judgmental white bearded male omniscient being associate with Judaism of my childhood. Fortunate for me I simultaneously found my way into college class with a rabbinic expert on the mystical and theological. All at the same time, I found a home in 12 Step and a rich treasure of wisdom in Jewish teaching with my college mentor, Dr./Rabbi/Professor David Blumenthal.
My theological influences were radically non-traditional. After one of my first meetings, a southern baptist woman gracefully offered a few words of God instruction to my tear covered face. While standing with one foot in the car, unsure about the whole Higher Power thing, Joni taught me that God is always there riding in the passenger seat. Still, when I'm wondering where God is in my life, I step into the car and look to my side and ask God to go for a ride. Beyond my advanced beginning into Jewish studies with a Talmud class, I continued with Zohar and Advanced Zohar. Not on the usual course guide, these classes were rare gems in their existence and authenticity, shining with the deep ernest and caring brilliance of my teacher. This primary text of Jewish mystiscm, a mystery to most, was my foundational theological source. Flow of blessing, dynamic movement from polarities to balance, intentional union, the belief that we can change God with our intent and actions – these formed my soul development.
Daily work, daily meetings, step work, journal work, teshuvah and more teshuvah, establishing sacred boundaries. For years and decades now these tools shaped me and helped me survive though it has not been linear. Developing strength prepared me to face more demons, learning to trust I had major disappointments, new challenges leveled me.
Two years ago today I was counting the omer and completed my 32nd week of triplet pregnancy, of which 6 weeks and 5 days had been omer days. My Pregnancy Journal notes I “didn't sleep much last night, watched movie 27 Dresses on pay per view at 3:30 am.” All nights were on the sofa since on the bed I'd get stuck like a turtle on her back (even if I was on my side, with pillows propped everywhere). The ob/gyn estimated Baby A to weigh 4 lbs 5 ounces, Baby B at 2 lbs 8 ounces and C at 3 lbs 5 ounces. (At birth they were only 3 lb 14 oz, 3 lb and 3 lb .5 oz.) My bp was 115/75, I weighed 225 pounds and I had contractions in the taxi. A synagogue friend came over to feed me lunch; a rotating cast of righteous people visited me on bed [sic. sofa] rest daily. I was heavy, getting around my condo in a wheel chair, focused on my goal of counting through the omer, and not feeling particularly spiritual. Survival for my babies and me was the daily challenge, far from soulfully secure or even certain that God was in the picture at all. The tiny ones would arrive via 'emergency' c-section ten days later and it would be some time before I'd ever have a moment to ponder God's presence. Even now, after nearly two years of living with these miracles, sweet souls most certainly guarded by a Higher Power, I wouldn't claim to have a repaired relationship or neat theological statement.
Yes, as commented last night, crisis compels a response. Sometimes people respond with spiritual seeking and openness and deepening, and some swirl deeper into distress. At whatever age one first starts seeking, it is life changing. The flow of blessing as light pierces the darkness and a thin ray of light appears. In each cycle of returning towards oneness, our prayers and open hearts affect union and balance above, which then flows below.
Feeling the absence of God's presence doesn't mean that God isn't present; God goes underground at times. This I learned from studying the Dark Night of the Soul, especially Spiritual Director and author Gerry May's amazing take on it. Even when I forget what I know to be true because I'm at that 7th Level of Tired or when everything feels unfair or when people die, just because I don't feel that special spiritual bliss doesn't mean that the God of my understanding was just a dream. Physical, emotional, financial stress can all place paralyzing pressure on the spinal cord of the soul. What feels like permanent paralysis is a feeling, a nerve reaction, that on the spiritual level cannot impact the integrity of Godliness. Souls have unique and impenetrable characteristics, the collective Source of souls is likewise eternal.
A spiritual program is a full time job. Lessons abound in the 12 Steps, in traditional and mystical texts and teachings, in breath, in yoga, in spiritual writings, in friendship, in love, in children.
Tonight is the 45th night of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
Practice: Put your feet up. Lay on the floor with your feet up the wall. Try placing a folded blanket under your hips so they are raised slightly. This posture involves turning yourself upside-down. Rather than disrupting your life, it is a restorative pose, resting your legs and feet and also allowing your upper body and abdomen to relax into the floor. 5 minutes minimum.
Friday, April 23, 2010
25 Half Measures
My ex used to often come home and tell me that he thought about buying me flowers, as if the mere thought should score him points. That intention isn't worth anything unless there is follow through. It's not like the thought is half the action. No, the action doesn't count until it is complete.
There's a famous Biblical story about two women both claiming they are the mother of the same child. They bring it to the judge of the land to decide. When King Solomon suggests they just split the baby in half with a sword the true mother reveals herself by telling the judge to give the baby to the other woman. Half a baby is not a baby.
A halfway developed fetus is also not a baby; that is why Jewish law places a woman's life above the life a a fetus who is threatening the mother. Though the soul hovers near the fetus while it is in the womb, the soul enters with the first inhale, transforming the potential human life into a full and complete living and breathing baby.
Dangers threaten completion of pregnancies; reaching full term is nothing other than the fulfillment of a miracle. We don't have Jewish baby showers or announce names before birth (often even delaying until the Brit ceremony) because celebration is only fitting after the baby arrives. To expectant parents we say "b'sha'ah tova", may the baby come at a good time. To new parents we say mazal tov! The counting of gestation days is over, now we rejoice.
“Half measures availed us nothing.” In Alcoholics Anonymous, these words precede the 12 Steps and are read in nearly every meeting world wide. Chapter 5 begins “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” If you don't go into it all the way (“thoroughly”), you won't succeed. “Those who don't recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” Recovery requires going to any lengths, “We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.” There is a thin line between life and death, choosing life means turning over one's life and doing a searching and fearless inventory of every resentment and fear. It just can't be done with one foot in.
This week I told a friend with regrets about the four steps of teshuvah – recognizing the mistake, feeling remorse, resolving not to repeat the sin, and facing the same situation with a different response. These four steps partner with the need to ask for forgiveness, from the people we have harmed, from ourselves who we have hurt and from God who we have injured. Jewish wisdom here matches the recovery process, with steps that must be repeated again and again, all the way through the cycle, all throughout the day and year (not just on Yom Kippur). The alcoholic and addict who decides to skip Steps 7-12 is doomed. Half-measures. Step 11 demonstrates why 12 Step recovery and this particular omer counting community is a spiritual one:
11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Halfway through, today is day 25 out of 49 days of the omer. So what? Don't treat yourself to the half birthday cupcake. There's no silver star for finishing the first half, it doesn't count until we finish counting the whole. This is a personal practice, a daily opportunity to follow through on our dedication to a spiritual practice that activates a religious transformation. Go for the gold.
Lots can happen instantaneously! In prayer, a momentary moment of deep intention has the power to change the flow of divine blessings. True remorse felt through and through is more significant than days of self-pity tears or misguided acts of charity intended to balance the scales. In an instant the heart can turn in teshuvah (repentance) and hold the spiritual impact to turn a life around. The moment forgiveness pierces one's heart and soul a psychic-spiritual bond releases for good, forever. Personal practice over time is a primer that leads to the aha moments and spiritual revelations.
Today is just another day, another step towards standing in the light, receiving the love, illuminating the truth. One day at a time, this is how we lift our eyes towards standing at Sinai to greet God. Maybe we have no idea where this all is going, still we keep counting. Let's go all the way, each and every day.
Today is day 25 of the Omer, that is 3 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. This Shabbat posting was pre-scheduled.
Practice suggestions:
1.A time for checking in is quite valuable. What have your omer patterns been thus far? What feelings surround your practice? What does omer counting mean to you now? What learning gifts has it given you so far? How has your life changed in the past 3 weeks 4 days? What intentions do you hold for the remaining time? Have you identified a theme for yourself in where you are journeying from and to? What is moving in your soul? If nothing seems present, do you detect or yearn for an undercurrent of transformation?
2.Work on the 11th Step (its ok if you haven't worked 1 through 10 yet).
[11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
3.Resources
article: Beginning the 11th Step Practice of Quiet Time
meeting:12 Step Torah monthly in Chicago
experience:Netivot/Pathways Jewish contemplation, meditation, yoga, spiritual direction, with Rabbi Heather Altman in Chicago
Yoga of Recovery week in Big Sur, Yoga of Recovery weekly @ CITYOGA in Indianapolis, IN
There's a famous Biblical story about two women both claiming they are the mother of the same child. They bring it to the judge of the land to decide. When King Solomon suggests they just split the baby in half with a sword the true mother reveals herself by telling the judge to give the baby to the other woman. Half a baby is not a baby.
A halfway developed fetus is also not a baby; that is why Jewish law places a woman's life above the life a a fetus who is threatening the mother. Though the soul hovers near the fetus while it is in the womb, the soul enters with the first inhale, transforming the potential human life into a full and complete living and breathing baby.
Dangers threaten completion of pregnancies; reaching full term is nothing other than the fulfillment of a miracle. We don't have Jewish baby showers or announce names before birth (often even delaying until the Brit ceremony) because celebration is only fitting after the baby arrives. To expectant parents we say "b'sha'ah tova", may the baby come at a good time. To new parents we say mazal tov! The counting of gestation days is over, now we rejoice.
“Half measures availed us nothing.” In Alcoholics Anonymous, these words precede the 12 Steps and are read in nearly every meeting world wide. Chapter 5 begins “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” If you don't go into it all the way (“thoroughly”), you won't succeed. “Those who don't recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” Recovery requires going to any lengths, “We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.” There is a thin line between life and death, choosing life means turning over one's life and doing a searching and fearless inventory of every resentment and fear. It just can't be done with one foot in.
This week I told a friend with regrets about the four steps of teshuvah – recognizing the mistake, feeling remorse, resolving not to repeat the sin, and facing the same situation with a different response. These four steps partner with the need to ask for forgiveness, from the people we have harmed, from ourselves who we have hurt and from God who we have injured. Jewish wisdom here matches the recovery process, with steps that must be repeated again and again, all the way through the cycle, all throughout the day and year (not just on Yom Kippur). The alcoholic and addict who decides to skip Steps 7-12 is doomed. Half-measures. Step 11 demonstrates why 12 Step recovery and this particular omer counting community is a spiritual one:
11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Halfway through, today is day 25 out of 49 days of the omer. So what? Don't treat yourself to the half birthday cupcake. There's no silver star for finishing the first half, it doesn't count until we finish counting the whole. This is a personal practice, a daily opportunity to follow through on our dedication to a spiritual practice that activates a religious transformation. Go for the gold.
Lots can happen instantaneously! In prayer, a momentary moment of deep intention has the power to change the flow of divine blessings. True remorse felt through and through is more significant than days of self-pity tears or misguided acts of charity intended to balance the scales. In an instant the heart can turn in teshuvah (repentance) and hold the spiritual impact to turn a life around. The moment forgiveness pierces one's heart and soul a psychic-spiritual bond releases for good, forever. Personal practice over time is a primer that leads to the aha moments and spiritual revelations.
Today is just another day, another step towards standing in the light, receiving the love, illuminating the truth. One day at a time, this is how we lift our eyes towards standing at Sinai to greet God. Maybe we have no idea where this all is going, still we keep counting. Let's go all the way, each and every day.
Today is day 25 of the Omer, that is 3 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. This Shabbat posting was pre-scheduled.
Practice suggestions:
1.A time for checking in is quite valuable. What have your omer patterns been thus far? What feelings surround your practice? What does omer counting mean to you now? What learning gifts has it given you so far? How has your life changed in the past 3 weeks 4 days? What intentions do you hold for the remaining time? Have you identified a theme for yourself in where you are journeying from and to? What is moving in your soul? If nothing seems present, do you detect or yearn for an undercurrent of transformation?
2.Work on the 11th Step (its ok if you haven't worked 1 through 10 yet).
[11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
3.Resources
article: Beginning the 11th Step Practice of Quiet Time
meeting:12 Step Torah monthly in Chicago
experience:Netivot/Pathways Jewish contemplation, meditation, yoga, spiritual direction, with Rabbi Heather Altman in Chicago
Yoga of Recovery week in Big Sur, Yoga of Recovery weekly @ CITYOGA in Indianapolis, IN
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
23 Truths for Today
23 Truths all about me today:
1.Just realized and admitted that my girls are ready for pre-school and need to start soon.
2.I am a great teacher. Last week I rode the waves with off-the-walls elementary school children and this week they were putty – well, almost. Best thing, they have been going around school sharing my Rav Yoga teachings with everyone in their Day School. Guess they were paying attention, while screaming, dancing and rumpusing!
3.I am a very patient person. Also not at all afraid to voice my expectations and request they be met.
4.Once again I walked up to strangers to insert myself in their conversation.
5.Once again they THANKED me for it.
6.I am a pioneer and expert in my chosen fields.
7.Today I was chemo buddy for my dad. Sat with him for the two hours we waited till they started his meds. Then I had to leave. To make it to class. Then I came back to pick him up.
8.Sometimes you can show up at work with your three kids and it won't cause any harm. Hmmm. won't press my luck.
9.I really need a full time babysitter.
10.I really want a full time job.
11.My passions and creativity are bursting at the seams.
12.I am calm, cool and collected. Teaching a class while my 22 month olds wander the classroom, no problemo.
13.I am a good learner. I listen and pay attention.
14.I am stubborn in the best ways.
15.I make mistakes. And then try to make better choices.
16.I forgive, sometimes too easily. It's not worth wasting my energy with anger or resentment. I move thru the stages quickly.
17.I try to do teshuvah in fast order too. When I hurt someone, I feel awful. Unless they hurt me really bad, then I feel they deserve it. But I try to stop the cycle and recognize my flaws, feel remorse, offer a genuine apology, ask for forgiveness. Hold myself accountable to offer forgiveness for their part even if they don't ask. Still, let them be responsible for their own stuff while I take responsibility for mine.
18.I do repeat teshuvah. Often it takes many tries to learn the lesson, to approach a person I've hurt with real respect for their feelings and to let go of my defensiveness.
19.I minimize myself sometimes, probably my worse sin against myself. Because I'm actually pretty accomplished, talented and so (lovable and) capable.
20.I hate housework and suck at it.
21.I am extremely loyal and also protective.
22.I am very open minded about most things, yet with other things I have particular standards about right and wrong.
23.I hurt deeply when people are mean and malicious, unjust, abusive, rude, oblivious and greedy.
Today is the 23rd day of the Omer, three weeks and 2 days of the omer.
Practice:
List your 23 Truths.
1.Just realized and admitted that my girls are ready for pre-school and need to start soon.
2.I am a great teacher. Last week I rode the waves with off-the-walls elementary school children and this week they were putty – well, almost. Best thing, they have been going around school sharing my Rav Yoga teachings with everyone in their Day School. Guess they were paying attention, while screaming, dancing and rumpusing!
3.I am a very patient person. Also not at all afraid to voice my expectations and request they be met.
4.Once again I walked up to strangers to insert myself in their conversation.
5.Once again they THANKED me for it.
6.I am a pioneer and expert in my chosen fields.
7.Today I was chemo buddy for my dad. Sat with him for the two hours we waited till they started his meds. Then I had to leave. To make it to class. Then I came back to pick him up.
8.Sometimes you can show up at work with your three kids and it won't cause any harm. Hmmm. won't press my luck.
9.I really need a full time babysitter.
10.I really want a full time job.
11.My passions and creativity are bursting at the seams.
12.I am calm, cool and collected. Teaching a class while my 22 month olds wander the classroom, no problemo.
13.I am a good learner. I listen and pay attention.
14.I am stubborn in the best ways.
15.I make mistakes. And then try to make better choices.
16.I forgive, sometimes too easily. It's not worth wasting my energy with anger or resentment. I move thru the stages quickly.
17.I try to do teshuvah in fast order too. When I hurt someone, I feel awful. Unless they hurt me really bad, then I feel they deserve it. But I try to stop the cycle and recognize my flaws, feel remorse, offer a genuine apology, ask for forgiveness. Hold myself accountable to offer forgiveness for their part even if they don't ask. Still, let them be responsible for their own stuff while I take responsibility for mine.
18.I do repeat teshuvah. Often it takes many tries to learn the lesson, to approach a person I've hurt with real respect for their feelings and to let go of my defensiveness.
19.I minimize myself sometimes, probably my worse sin against myself. Because I'm actually pretty accomplished, talented and so (lovable and) capable.
20.I hate housework and suck at it.
21.I am extremely loyal and also protective.
22.I am very open minded about most things, yet with other things I have particular standards about right and wrong.
23.I hurt deeply when people are mean and malicious, unjust, abusive, rude, oblivious and greedy.
Today is the 23rd day of the Omer, three weeks and 2 days of the omer.
Practice:
List your 23 Truths.
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