Body warming into that deep state of relaxation, tummy-to-tummy, milk sippy resting on my chest, baby making those sweet suckling noises, I was in bliss. For just a moment, when my nearly two year old youngest settled into position on my lap, I looked down and it was almost if she was nursing at my breast.
And then I started melting, body simulating the hormone cocktail of oxytocin and prolactin I hadn't enjoyed since those days when I was actually breastfeeding and pumping for my triplets. Yes, I remembered, I produced mother's milk for three babies at once.
Those maternity nurses thought I was crazy to insist that they bring me the pump right when I returned from the OR, or that I set an alarm to wake me for pumping every few hours. They thought it a bad idea that I go visit my new babies in the middle of that first night after only several hours of sleep, to hand deliver precious drops of colustrum. Forget about the silver spoon, I was giving my girls liquid gold.
For three weeks in the Neotatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) my preemie triplets got breastmilk for every feeding. There sometimes was formula mixed in to compensate as my production caught up to demand, but for the most part I was providing their sustenance. At first they needed feeding tubes, but I was determined to breast feed, and they started to get the hang of it before they left the hospital to come home. That was still a month before their due date.
Once home, I nursed all three and as you might imagine I turned from incubator to milk producer. Alternating who got the left and who got the right, and who got to tandem nurse and who got me all to herself, and pumping after each feeding, it was the most special, amazing intriguing process. Incredibly important to me to nurse my children, those early months were all about the boobs. I was determined and knew it was possible, and this was one thing that I would not add to my list of mothering losses. My expectation, my normal. That my body did this extraordinary job of giving life to three babies at once and nourishing them for months doesn't cross my mind as I go through life -- ever.
Earlier today, a friend sent me an admiring note of appreciation, and in my mind I immediately started denying her affirmation of my roles. She wrote “You are an amazing -----, -----, ----, mother, -------, -----.” My immediate reaction was to list the many reasons why I am not that. At least I didn't let myself go there. But I could, and I don't even want to elaborate for the shame of it all. I could take each of the roles she complimented and start on how I am failing, where I am vulnerable, that I am imperfect. Easier to deny than to accept and absorb this gift. Oddly enough it is respect that I have for my friend, that graced me with the awareness that I had to return to her note, her truth, and let it sink in for real.
That one moment that took me back to the nursing days allowed me to accept that maybe I am an amazing mother. My goodness, I nursed three babies at once. A pretty amazing feat and in of itself, that should count for something! Triplet nursing should give me a lifetime membership to the awesome mom club, don't you think?
The Omer is ending, today is the last day. Today is the 49th day of the Omer, which is 7 weeks! The counting is complete and yet there is not closure. Only when the day ends will the entire period be over. We still have hours and hours now to count for the continuation of the Omer. Not sure how to check in as those hours progress, as we seamlessly transition into Shavuot, when the holiday ends or beyond.
The OOCC met its goal of creating an online omer counting community, and I am grateful for your comments and emails that signaled that you are out there sharing this counting experience. I could dwell on the few days I missed, the unanswered questions I raised, the bad mommy moments. Instead I lift up today as a day for recognizing and celebrating our accomplishments. Revelation is to come, that will illuminate the brilliance of our souls, the divine qualities that shine within and from us.
what can you celebrate? what accomplishments do you deny or downplay?
what truths, qualities, talents are in your spiritual DNA? If a divine light could illuminate your gifts, what would shine from you? Who in your live is a mirror for your light and for whom do you mirror the spark of God within? how will your Shavuot (Tues pm thru Thurs pm) include practices of light and acceptance of your reality and truth, the gifts and divine mystery in your life?
Showing posts with label NICU. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NICU. Show all posts
Monday, May 17, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
18 - Counting of a Different Kind
Counting of a Different Kind: Anticipating the Omer
written and originally published in April 2009
Last year was different in a whole lot of ways. Every Passover I resolve to succeed at counting the Omer daily. How hard could it be to count 49 days? It starts out easy at the Seder on the second night. Today is the first day of the Omer. All I have to do is remember to say one sentence each day for the next 48 days, those leading up to the next major Jewish holiday Shavuot. Every year I failed; it seems the challenge wasn't big enough or meaningful enough for me to take so seriously. After all Shavuot would arrive seven weeks later whether or not I was counting days.
Last year counting was a matter of life and death. Counting is a serious thing. A superstitious Jewish custom forbids counting people as numbering lives diminishes them. This wisdom came long before the Shoah when the Nazis tattooed numbers for name replacements on our people's arms. At the same time, we encourage community and require ten people gathered for most prayer services, and even three for an official opening to the grace after meals.
In ancient times these days between Passover and Shavuot were a time of uncertainty and a struggle of hope and faith and fear and longing. My ancestors in the wilderness left slavery for a promising yet precarious future and they marched on through the desert motivated by a glimmer of redemption that they didn't fully expect. When we look back today, we know that the reward was the revelation of Torah on Shavuot, but they did not know that. Their grumbling and faltering shows that they barely believed, nor expected a gift of any sort.
One year ago Passover I was in my 25th week of pregnancy with triplets. Most people count months of pregnancy but when you are carrying triplets you actually count days. Zero percent of triplet pregnancies make it full term, and they are so fragile that there is a high chance of spontaneous abortion until you reach 20 weeks. Fifty percent of triplet pregnancies are delivered by 32 weeks, minimally eight weeks premature. Until 28 weeks gestation chances of survival are tiny, and the likelihood of serious life altering complications are great. Every single day the babies stay inside the womb and grow increases their chances for life and for health.
Once the 20 week mark went by I took a breath - just one. Then I looked at the calendar and set my next goal. Instead of the 28 week mark, I would switch to the Jewish calendar, striving to count through the entire period of the Omer and through Shavuot. That would put me at exactly 33 weeks. From there I would reevaluate and set a new goal.
In contrast to years past, all I could do last year was count. I counted another day of keeping my babies alive, another day for them to grow, another day for building fat reserves to keep them warm, another day for their lungs to develop so they could hopefully breathe on their own. Each day in the womb reduces the days in the NICU by multiples.
When we held our first Seder I was 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my triplets. I was already confined to home, barely able to walk, triplet heavy with babies. My belly was already the size of a full term singleton pregnancy. Instead of a cloth napkin I used a table cloth. I counted my weight gain. I counted the clothes I outgrew. I counted the vitamins I swallowed. I labored over breath. I had few moments of sleep or comfort the entire pregnancy.
I counted to keep myself going. I did not know how much I could endure nor what outcome would befall me or when. I was at the mercy of fate and fellow. I had no choice but to let people help, to force a smile on my pained face to offer thanks for food delivered, meals served. It is difficult now for me to recount the details and to face the reality that I endured. Triplet pregnancies are amazing and all, but they are not pretty. As my doctor said again and again, bodies aren't made to carry three babies. It is miraculous that my uterus accommodated three babies, yet no cell of my being managed to make it through unaffected.
I went into labor towards the end of Shavuot. Even though I reached my goal of completing the Omer counting, 33 weeks was still too soon. As much as I wanted to meet these babies, I wanted them to grow bigger inside me even if it meant tolerating more hugeness and more heaviness and more hell. If I were to be really honest about the whole thing I would tell you in detail how I lost all my dignity, how vanity and self were decimated as I surrendered moment by moment with determination to do right by these souls.
Writing these words, I cannot continue to be present to the teary memories of those thirty-three weeks and the four days that followed, so I fast forward until Shabbat arrived with an eerie yet elegant air of serenity. The Shabbat Queen surely entered and changed the quality of time as I enjoyed dinner with my husband, step-daughter and father-in-law. The next morning I awoke to silence and sunrise over Lake Michigan. Upon awakening I couldn't predict that counting days was complete and by the next morning and for the rest of my life I would be counting in threes. Counting with confidence in the outcome is relegated to the past. Now I do not expect that just because I am counting the revelation will be granted. Far from simple, when we begin to count we cannot expect we will reach completion. When each day is a matter of life or death, we must count carefully and consciously.
Tonight, Friday April 16, 2010, after Shabbat arrives it will be the 18th day of the Omer. 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer. 18, chai, life!
Thank you for participating in the Online Omer Counting Community, for reading, for following, for sharing your comments and sharing with your friends. Shabbat Shalom!
written and originally published in April 2009
Last year was different in a whole lot of ways. Every Passover I resolve to succeed at counting the Omer daily. How hard could it be to count 49 days? It starts out easy at the Seder on the second night. Today is the first day of the Omer. All I have to do is remember to say one sentence each day for the next 48 days, those leading up to the next major Jewish holiday Shavuot. Every year I failed; it seems the challenge wasn't big enough or meaningful enough for me to take so seriously. After all Shavuot would arrive seven weeks later whether or not I was counting days.
Last year counting was a matter of life and death. Counting is a serious thing. A superstitious Jewish custom forbids counting people as numbering lives diminishes them. This wisdom came long before the Shoah when the Nazis tattooed numbers for name replacements on our people's arms. At the same time, we encourage community and require ten people gathered for most prayer services, and even three for an official opening to the grace after meals.
In ancient times these days between Passover and Shavuot were a time of uncertainty and a struggle of hope and faith and fear and longing. My ancestors in the wilderness left slavery for a promising yet precarious future and they marched on through the desert motivated by a glimmer of redemption that they didn't fully expect. When we look back today, we know that the reward was the revelation of Torah on Shavuot, but they did not know that. Their grumbling and faltering shows that they barely believed, nor expected a gift of any sort.
One year ago Passover I was in my 25th week of pregnancy with triplets. Most people count months of pregnancy but when you are carrying triplets you actually count days. Zero percent of triplet pregnancies make it full term, and they are so fragile that there is a high chance of spontaneous abortion until you reach 20 weeks. Fifty percent of triplet pregnancies are delivered by 32 weeks, minimally eight weeks premature. Until 28 weeks gestation chances of survival are tiny, and the likelihood of serious life altering complications are great. Every single day the babies stay inside the womb and grow increases their chances for life and for health.
Once the 20 week mark went by I took a breath - just one. Then I looked at the calendar and set my next goal. Instead of the 28 week mark, I would switch to the Jewish calendar, striving to count through the entire period of the Omer and through Shavuot. That would put me at exactly 33 weeks. From there I would reevaluate and set a new goal.
In contrast to years past, all I could do last year was count. I counted another day of keeping my babies alive, another day for them to grow, another day for building fat reserves to keep them warm, another day for their lungs to develop so they could hopefully breathe on their own. Each day in the womb reduces the days in the NICU by multiples.
When we held our first Seder I was 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my triplets. I was already confined to home, barely able to walk, triplet heavy with babies. My belly was already the size of a full term singleton pregnancy. Instead of a cloth napkin I used a table cloth. I counted my weight gain. I counted the clothes I outgrew. I counted the vitamins I swallowed. I labored over breath. I had few moments of sleep or comfort the entire pregnancy.
I counted to keep myself going. I did not know how much I could endure nor what outcome would befall me or when. I was at the mercy of fate and fellow. I had no choice but to let people help, to force a smile on my pained face to offer thanks for food delivered, meals served. It is difficult now for me to recount the details and to face the reality that I endured. Triplet pregnancies are amazing and all, but they are not pretty. As my doctor said again and again, bodies aren't made to carry three babies. It is miraculous that my uterus accommodated three babies, yet no cell of my being managed to make it through unaffected.
I went into labor towards the end of Shavuot. Even though I reached my goal of completing the Omer counting, 33 weeks was still too soon. As much as I wanted to meet these babies, I wanted them to grow bigger inside me even if it meant tolerating more hugeness and more heaviness and more hell. If I were to be really honest about the whole thing I would tell you in detail how I lost all my dignity, how vanity and self were decimated as I surrendered moment by moment with determination to do right by these souls.
Writing these words, I cannot continue to be present to the teary memories of those thirty-three weeks and the four days that followed, so I fast forward until Shabbat arrived with an eerie yet elegant air of serenity. The Shabbat Queen surely entered and changed the quality of time as I enjoyed dinner with my husband, step-daughter and father-in-law. The next morning I awoke to silence and sunrise over Lake Michigan. Upon awakening I couldn't predict that counting days was complete and by the next morning and for the rest of my life I would be counting in threes. Counting with confidence in the outcome is relegated to the past. Now I do not expect that just because I am counting the revelation will be granted. Far from simple, when we begin to count we cannot expect we will reach completion. When each day is a matter of life or death, we must count carefully and consciously.
Tonight, Friday April 16, 2010, after Shabbat arrives it will be the 18th day of the Omer. 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer. 18, chai, life!
Thank you for participating in the Online Omer Counting Community, for reading, for following, for sharing your comments and sharing with your friends. Shabbat Shalom!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
17 - Counting Chromosomes
All three of us were sucking on Tootsie Pops from the embryologist's stash of candy, and enjoying ourselves even while I was quite uncomfortable with each of the three poking sessions. The expert prenatal diagnostician who was a pioneer of this CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling ) procedure in the United States, and who would soon become my primary ob/gyn, was taking samples from the chorion (pre-placental) tissue of each twelve week old fetus. Genetic tests would give us valuable information about the health of each fetus enabling us to make the best decisions about their care. Some of the most dire chromosomal outcomes happen when there are too many or too few chromosomes. While we were counting days until the results came in, some geneticist was counting chromosomes.
Omer counting is bound by a thick cord to my pregnancy because my first success at counting each day was when I was on bed rest counting towards the goal of carrying my three beyond the average triplet term of 32 weeks to 33 weeks. In 5768/2008 getting through the Omer counting period was the Jewish calendar's way of determining life and death. Had I gone into labor at the beginning of the omer they would have been 26 weeks, not really viable. For those of you now thinking that usually pregancy lasts 40 weeks, it is significant that fifty percent of triplet pregnancies end at 28 weeks. And those surviving babies can be under 2 pounds with scary odds and need lots of intervention and months of NICU time. I wrote my first ever omer piece last year in reflection of that very real counting towards life (I will share it with you for tomorrow in advance of counting on Shabbat). I went into labor on Shavuot, just after the counting ended, and after five more days in the hospital holding them in just a bit longer they were born.
All chromosomes had previously been accounted for. Upon hearing the results, minus the gender determination, we were relieved to learn that there were no chromosomal abnormalities. Genetic tests give valuable information that may determine the course of a pregnancy and pre-natal treatment. Multiple gestations complicate the environment because one fetus in distress can threaten the others. Done between 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, CVS gives results much sooner than amniocentesis and give more options to expectant parents – again especially in multiple pregnancies or for families with known genetic concerns. Though we weren't in the latter category, it is significant that technology makes it possible to genetically test embryos before they are implanted. The impact of this is huge. When the genetic panel blood draw shows that wanna-be parents, or genetic donors, are carriers of Jewish genetic diseases (or other less common ones) the information may lead to a decision to pursue in vitro fertilization (IVF) and pre-implantation embryonic genetic screening. With chromosomal abnormalities that always prevent a pregnancy from producing a child, this can spare the mother. With genetic diseases that will bring disability or pain it is helpful information that may help families prepare.
Connection to my synagogue community and several sunny hours at shul today in meetings and shmoozing inspired this kind-of preachy topic. In my home community this Shabbat is Jewish Genetics Shabbat co-sponsored by the national resource Chicago Center for Jewish Genetic Disorders when we will hear personal stories from the bimah Shabbat morning. Community is the partner theme for today. I felt so at home today at shul, warmed by the real community feeling. I think in my original omer essay I commented on the community support during our high risk pregnancy and challenging start so I won't go further with that here. For today, in the present, I'm happy to be getting back to being a contributing member of the community, helping to care for those who cared for me, and those who will in turn share with others in their need.
Abundant blessings in our community mean that I cannot even count the number of people who assisted us in our times of need. Once we got past counting chromosomes, and counting days till our babies entered the world, we got busy counting fingers and toes, diapers and bottles, hours of sleep. Nearly two years later we get to count ourselves blessed with a full family and a close community for sharing caring. Now that is worth counting each day.
Today is the 17th day of the Omer, 2 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
Also this Shabbat is Netivot/Pathways, a contemplative alternative morning of meditation, yoga and more. We will try to coordinate timing with the Jewish Genetic Shabbat speakers, then continue Netivot/Pathways with a Spiritual Direction session and more.
and for personal practice: try listening to another person's story with the intent of only listening for the bigger picture, what is important to THEM, where God is in it for them. take a break from comparing yourself, from critiquing their decisions or life, from correcting them or giving advice. this is the practice of Spiritual Direction; you can try it for your self. I welcome your reactions and responses.
Omer counting is bound by a thick cord to my pregnancy because my first success at counting each day was when I was on bed rest counting towards the goal of carrying my three beyond the average triplet term of 32 weeks to 33 weeks. In 5768/2008 getting through the Omer counting period was the Jewish calendar's way of determining life and death. Had I gone into labor at the beginning of the omer they would have been 26 weeks, not really viable. For those of you now thinking that usually pregancy lasts 40 weeks, it is significant that fifty percent of triplet pregnancies end at 28 weeks. And those surviving babies can be under 2 pounds with scary odds and need lots of intervention and months of NICU time. I wrote my first ever omer piece last year in reflection of that very real counting towards life (I will share it with you for tomorrow in advance of counting on Shabbat). I went into labor on Shavuot, just after the counting ended, and after five more days in the hospital holding them in just a bit longer they were born.
All chromosomes had previously been accounted for. Upon hearing the results, minus the gender determination, we were relieved to learn that there were no chromosomal abnormalities. Genetic tests give valuable information that may determine the course of a pregnancy and pre-natal treatment. Multiple gestations complicate the environment because one fetus in distress can threaten the others. Done between 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, CVS gives results much sooner than amniocentesis and give more options to expectant parents – again especially in multiple pregnancies or for families with known genetic concerns. Though we weren't in the latter category, it is significant that technology makes it possible to genetically test embryos before they are implanted. The impact of this is huge. When the genetic panel blood draw shows that wanna-be parents, or genetic donors, are carriers of Jewish genetic diseases (or other less common ones) the information may lead to a decision to pursue in vitro fertilization (IVF) and pre-implantation embryonic genetic screening. With chromosomal abnormalities that always prevent a pregnancy from producing a child, this can spare the mother. With genetic diseases that will bring disability or pain it is helpful information that may help families prepare.
Connection to my synagogue community and several sunny hours at shul today in meetings and shmoozing inspired this kind-of preachy topic. In my home community this Shabbat is Jewish Genetics Shabbat co-sponsored by the national resource Chicago Center for Jewish Genetic Disorders when we will hear personal stories from the bimah Shabbat morning. Community is the partner theme for today. I felt so at home today at shul, warmed by the real community feeling. I think in my original omer essay I commented on the community support during our high risk pregnancy and challenging start so I won't go further with that here. For today, in the present, I'm happy to be getting back to being a contributing member of the community, helping to care for those who cared for me, and those who will in turn share with others in their need.
Abundant blessings in our community mean that I cannot even count the number of people who assisted us in our times of need. Once we got past counting chromosomes, and counting days till our babies entered the world, we got busy counting fingers and toes, diapers and bottles, hours of sleep. Nearly two years later we get to count ourselves blessed with a full family and a close community for sharing caring. Now that is worth counting each day.
Today is the 17th day of the Omer, 2 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
Also this Shabbat is Netivot/Pathways, a contemplative alternative morning of meditation, yoga and more. We will try to coordinate timing with the Jewish Genetic Shabbat speakers, then continue Netivot/Pathways with a Spiritual Direction session and more.
and for personal practice: try listening to another person's story with the intent of only listening for the bigger picture, what is important to THEM, where God is in it for them. take a break from comparing yourself, from critiquing their decisions or life, from correcting them or giving advice. this is the practice of Spiritual Direction; you can try it for your self. I welcome your reactions and responses.
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