Body warming into that deep state of relaxation, tummy-to-tummy, milk sippy resting on my chest, baby making those sweet suckling noises, I was in bliss. For just a moment, when my nearly two year old youngest settled into position on my lap, I looked down and it was almost if she was nursing at my breast.
And then I started melting, body simulating the hormone cocktail of oxytocin and prolactin I hadn't enjoyed since those days when I was actually breastfeeding and pumping for my triplets. Yes, I remembered, I produced mother's milk for three babies at once.
Those maternity nurses thought I was crazy to insist that they bring me the pump right when I returned from the OR, or that I set an alarm to wake me for pumping every few hours. They thought it a bad idea that I go visit my new babies in the middle of that first night after only several hours of sleep, to hand deliver precious drops of colustrum. Forget about the silver spoon, I was giving my girls liquid gold.
For three weeks in the Neotatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) my preemie triplets got breastmilk for every feeding. There sometimes was formula mixed in to compensate as my production caught up to demand, but for the most part I was providing their sustenance. At first they needed feeding tubes, but I was determined to breast feed, and they started to get the hang of it before they left the hospital to come home. That was still a month before their due date.
Once home, I nursed all three and as you might imagine I turned from incubator to milk producer. Alternating who got the left and who got the right, and who got to tandem nurse and who got me all to herself, and pumping after each feeding, it was the most special, amazing intriguing process. Incredibly important to me to nurse my children, those early months were all about the boobs. I was determined and knew it was possible, and this was one thing that I would not add to my list of mothering losses. My expectation, my normal. That my body did this extraordinary job of giving life to three babies at once and nourishing them for months doesn't cross my mind as I go through life -- ever.
Earlier today, a friend sent me an admiring note of appreciation, and in my mind I immediately started denying her affirmation of my roles. She wrote “You are an amazing -----, -----, ----, mother, -------, -----.” My immediate reaction was to list the many reasons why I am not that. At least I didn't let myself go there. But I could, and I don't even want to elaborate for the shame of it all. I could take each of the roles she complimented and start on how I am failing, where I am vulnerable, that I am imperfect. Easier to deny than to accept and absorb this gift. Oddly enough it is respect that I have for my friend, that graced me with the awareness that I had to return to her note, her truth, and let it sink in for real.
That one moment that took me back to the nursing days allowed me to accept that maybe I am an amazing mother. My goodness, I nursed three babies at once. A pretty amazing feat and in of itself, that should count for something! Triplet nursing should give me a lifetime membership to the awesome mom club, don't you think?
The Omer is ending, today is the last day. Today is the 49th day of the Omer, which is 7 weeks! The counting is complete and yet there is not closure. Only when the day ends will the entire period be over. We still have hours and hours now to count for the continuation of the Omer. Not sure how to check in as those hours progress, as we seamlessly transition into Shavuot, when the holiday ends or beyond.
The OOCC met its goal of creating an online omer counting community, and I am grateful for your comments and emails that signaled that you are out there sharing this counting experience. I could dwell on the few days I missed, the unanswered questions I raised, the bad mommy moments. Instead I lift up today as a day for recognizing and celebrating our accomplishments. Revelation is to come, that will illuminate the brilliance of our souls, the divine qualities that shine within and from us.
what can you celebrate? what accomplishments do you deny or downplay?
what truths, qualities, talents are in your spiritual DNA? If a divine light could illuminate your gifts, what would shine from you? Who in your live is a mirror for your light and for whom do you mirror the spark of God within? how will your Shavuot (Tues pm thru Thurs pm) include practices of light and acceptance of your reality and truth, the gifts and divine mystery in your life?
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Monday, May 17, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
26 Count Out Loud
Some people have to count out loud to process what they know or see to be true. For example, the walkers-by noticing my triplets who count aloud “one – two – three – there are three of them!” For more on funny reactions we encounter every day watch this video.
Setting the table often requires several verbal re-counts of bodies just to be sure, even when I know the guest list in advance. Setting the table or preparing the home for quests is a metaphor often used for Spiritual Direction. One of my spiritual director's considered herself an accompanist for her directees. Silent contemplation is an importance piece of spiritual direction; like Shabbat, it is the pause that contrasts with the music of our souls, the speaking words that bring us into awareness of God's precense, or the soul stirring within.
I like that speaking out loud is a Jewish spiritual practice. When I find myself talking out loud I normalize it within the spiritual teachings Jewish meditation and prayer. With the omer, silent counting isn't proper and counting before the change of day is not effective; it must be after sunset on the new day (at nighttime in accordance with way Jewish 'days' begin and end at night) and out loud. And we don't just say the number. We say the blessing, the number of days, then how many weeks and days. After that, why wouldn't we just keep talking till we find a spiritual lesson, kind of like I am writing my reflections here?
Hitbodedut is the spiritual practice of being alone with God, often in nature at night, and pouring one's heart out with words. Access to the heart of the matter isn't instantaneous, so Rebbe Nahman of Bratslav teaches that you just open your mouth and start talking. You keep talking and talking and eventually you get to whatever it is that you need to say and express from your heart. You could start with “this is so silly, me standing here alone, talking out loud. For what? Who am I talking to? Do I even believe in God? Is anyone listening? God has never answered me before so what's the point? ...But it is beautiful out here. And quiet. And something is special about it.” Keep going. You start with where ever you are, whatever is on your mind. Keep it simple, as if conversing with a trusted friend, flowing from one topic to the next. What may start as awkward become quite enjoyable and enriching.
Noticing what is moving in one's life, where the heart is tugging, how you are being transformed, getting curious about the seeking of your soul, these are found in the sacred silence of Spiritual Direction, and also in the sound of conversations with ourselves, with nature, with God. Omer counting is a deliberate following of the soul's journey over 49 days, from bondage to revelation. Sound and language merge levels of creation and connect the physical realm of creation and building with our mental and spiritual processes. Counting aloud helps move the intent from inner to outer, through the vehicle of voice, of body. In silence we can hide from truth, with mouths open we speak, we hear, we listen, we hone our expression more and more to truth and reality. Say it ain't so, say it, speak it, sing it!
Aloud: Today is the 26th day of the Omer, 3 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Continue with some hitbodedut. If it helps to get the flow going with your voice, play your favorite music and sing along with abandon. Find a place alone (safe of course), set your intention to speak with your Creator (the God of your understanding) and start talking. Let yourself move from one topic to the next, trying to be honest, explaining yourself, your thoughts, asking questions, arguing, thanking... everything. When you're done, sit in silence to reflect. And consider sharing a bit about your experience here.
Setting the table often requires several verbal re-counts of bodies just to be sure, even when I know the guest list in advance. Setting the table or preparing the home for quests is a metaphor often used for Spiritual Direction. One of my spiritual director's considered herself an accompanist for her directees. Silent contemplation is an importance piece of spiritual direction; like Shabbat, it is the pause that contrasts with the music of our souls, the speaking words that bring us into awareness of God's precense, or the soul stirring within.
I like that speaking out loud is a Jewish spiritual practice. When I find myself talking out loud I normalize it within the spiritual teachings Jewish meditation and prayer. With the omer, silent counting isn't proper and counting before the change of day is not effective; it must be after sunset on the new day (at nighttime in accordance with way Jewish 'days' begin and end at night) and out loud. And we don't just say the number. We say the blessing, the number of days, then how many weeks and days. After that, why wouldn't we just keep talking till we find a spiritual lesson, kind of like I am writing my reflections here?
Hitbodedut is the spiritual practice of being alone with God, often in nature at night, and pouring one's heart out with words. Access to the heart of the matter isn't instantaneous, so Rebbe Nahman of Bratslav teaches that you just open your mouth and start talking. You keep talking and talking and eventually you get to whatever it is that you need to say and express from your heart. You could start with “this is so silly, me standing here alone, talking out loud. For what? Who am I talking to? Do I even believe in God? Is anyone listening? God has never answered me before so what's the point? ...But it is beautiful out here. And quiet. And something is special about it.” Keep going. You start with where ever you are, whatever is on your mind. Keep it simple, as if conversing with a trusted friend, flowing from one topic to the next. What may start as awkward become quite enjoyable and enriching.
Noticing what is moving in one's life, where the heart is tugging, how you are being transformed, getting curious about the seeking of your soul, these are found in the sacred silence of Spiritual Direction, and also in the sound of conversations with ourselves, with nature, with God. Omer counting is a deliberate following of the soul's journey over 49 days, from bondage to revelation. Sound and language merge levels of creation and connect the physical realm of creation and building with our mental and spiritual processes. Counting aloud helps move the intent from inner to outer, through the vehicle of voice, of body. In silence we can hide from truth, with mouths open we speak, we hear, we listen, we hone our expression more and more to truth and reality. Say it ain't so, say it, speak it, sing it!
Aloud: Today is the 26th day of the Omer, 3 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Continue with some hitbodedut. If it helps to get the flow going with your voice, play your favorite music and sing along with abandon. Find a place alone (safe of course), set your intention to speak with your Creator (the God of your understanding) and start talking. Let yourself move from one topic to the next, trying to be honest, explaining yourself, your thoughts, asking questions, arguing, thanking... everything. When you're done, sit in silence to reflect. And consider sharing a bit about your experience here.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
23 Truths for Today
23 Truths all about me today:
1.Just realized and admitted that my girls are ready for pre-school and need to start soon.
2.I am a great teacher. Last week I rode the waves with off-the-walls elementary school children and this week they were putty – well, almost. Best thing, they have been going around school sharing my Rav Yoga teachings with everyone in their Day School. Guess they were paying attention, while screaming, dancing and rumpusing!
3.I am a very patient person. Also not at all afraid to voice my expectations and request they be met.
4.Once again I walked up to strangers to insert myself in their conversation.
5.Once again they THANKED me for it.
6.I am a pioneer and expert in my chosen fields.
7.Today I was chemo buddy for my dad. Sat with him for the two hours we waited till they started his meds. Then I had to leave. To make it to class. Then I came back to pick him up.
8.Sometimes you can show up at work with your three kids and it won't cause any harm. Hmmm. won't press my luck.
9.I really need a full time babysitter.
10.I really want a full time job.
11.My passions and creativity are bursting at the seams.
12.I am calm, cool and collected. Teaching a class while my 22 month olds wander the classroom, no problemo.
13.I am a good learner. I listen and pay attention.
14.I am stubborn in the best ways.
15.I make mistakes. And then try to make better choices.
16.I forgive, sometimes too easily. It's not worth wasting my energy with anger or resentment. I move thru the stages quickly.
17.I try to do teshuvah in fast order too. When I hurt someone, I feel awful. Unless they hurt me really bad, then I feel they deserve it. But I try to stop the cycle and recognize my flaws, feel remorse, offer a genuine apology, ask for forgiveness. Hold myself accountable to offer forgiveness for their part even if they don't ask. Still, let them be responsible for their own stuff while I take responsibility for mine.
18.I do repeat teshuvah. Often it takes many tries to learn the lesson, to approach a person I've hurt with real respect for their feelings and to let go of my defensiveness.
19.I minimize myself sometimes, probably my worse sin against myself. Because I'm actually pretty accomplished, talented and so (lovable and) capable.
20.I hate housework and suck at it.
21.I am extremely loyal and also protective.
22.I am very open minded about most things, yet with other things I have particular standards about right and wrong.
23.I hurt deeply when people are mean and malicious, unjust, abusive, rude, oblivious and greedy.
Today is the 23rd day of the Omer, three weeks and 2 days of the omer.
Practice:
List your 23 Truths.
1.Just realized and admitted that my girls are ready for pre-school and need to start soon.
2.I am a great teacher. Last week I rode the waves with off-the-walls elementary school children and this week they were putty – well, almost. Best thing, they have been going around school sharing my Rav Yoga teachings with everyone in their Day School. Guess they were paying attention, while screaming, dancing and rumpusing!
3.I am a very patient person. Also not at all afraid to voice my expectations and request they be met.
4.Once again I walked up to strangers to insert myself in their conversation.
5.Once again they THANKED me for it.
6.I am a pioneer and expert in my chosen fields.
7.Today I was chemo buddy for my dad. Sat with him for the two hours we waited till they started his meds. Then I had to leave. To make it to class. Then I came back to pick him up.
8.Sometimes you can show up at work with your three kids and it won't cause any harm. Hmmm. won't press my luck.
9.I really need a full time babysitter.
10.I really want a full time job.
11.My passions and creativity are bursting at the seams.
12.I am calm, cool and collected. Teaching a class while my 22 month olds wander the classroom, no problemo.
13.I am a good learner. I listen and pay attention.
14.I am stubborn in the best ways.
15.I make mistakes. And then try to make better choices.
16.I forgive, sometimes too easily. It's not worth wasting my energy with anger or resentment. I move thru the stages quickly.
17.I try to do teshuvah in fast order too. When I hurt someone, I feel awful. Unless they hurt me really bad, then I feel they deserve it. But I try to stop the cycle and recognize my flaws, feel remorse, offer a genuine apology, ask for forgiveness. Hold myself accountable to offer forgiveness for their part even if they don't ask. Still, let them be responsible for their own stuff while I take responsibility for mine.
18.I do repeat teshuvah. Often it takes many tries to learn the lesson, to approach a person I've hurt with real respect for their feelings and to let go of my defensiveness.
19.I minimize myself sometimes, probably my worse sin against myself. Because I'm actually pretty accomplished, talented and so (lovable and) capable.
20.I hate housework and suck at it.
21.I am extremely loyal and also protective.
22.I am very open minded about most things, yet with other things I have particular standards about right and wrong.
23.I hurt deeply when people are mean and malicious, unjust, abusive, rude, oblivious and greedy.
Today is the 23rd day of the Omer, three weeks and 2 days of the omer.
Practice:
List your 23 Truths.
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