Nearly blew it before it began

I nearly blew it. Close to midnight, moments after zipping and locking up the little girls (triplets under 3 years old up way too late for the second night in a row) in their portable tent beds (we highly recommend the Peapod) I suddenly whispered to my closed-eyed husband. Startling him out of falling asleep in the hotel bed, I quietly recited the bracha and counted the first night of the Omer. After almost completely forgetting, I wanted a witness, though not too reliable in his slumber, to hear me announce the first night.

(The girls are excited to ride the hotel luggage cart, which they call "shopping cart", and to stay up super late for Passover Seders.)

It's usually counted at the Seder table, that is if you actually do the whole Seder from start to finish. There were young adult years when Seders were that generous luxurious time for exploration and late night singing of that last "next year in Jerusalem." But not here, our Seder order ended with the festive meal, as many families do from lack of interest in the whole exacting deal. Seder actually means "order" and there are 14 steps this at home table ritual. Full of symbolism, interesting objects and foods, the telling of the Haggadah includes stories, laws and songs all intended to elicit discussion. Even guised as "traditional" and viewed by attendees as way too long, these Seders did not complete the order nor fulfill it in more than the most basic reading. Not to say that it wasn't a great way to connect with family nor anything but an amazing feat of a feast. The meal was delicious and the sixty plus family members were wonderful company. The children demonstrated their beautiful singing voices, showed off their day school education in Hebrew fluency and song familiarity and were adorable - including my 2 year olds who each sang the beginning of Ma Nishtana. The Passover production was impressive for its scale, efficacy, beauty and carrying out of traditions. That said, of the four cups, we only poured two. Elijah and Miriam were both ignored, and I felt their absence. And of other steps skipped, we neglected to count the Omer.

I married into a large family that actually has a family club that meets monthly and for annual events in the Detroit suburbs where most still reside. They have enormous pots and pans for mass cooking and everything else needed to make a special and elegant holiday. The aunt and uncle who host Passover actually built their house to accomodate the huge crowd. The Seder takes place in the elegant living room, that more resembles a hotel lobby. Coming from my own family with our own (different) traditions and as a rabbi who has thought lots about my ideal Seder experience (and led some good ones), I can offer a commentary full of compliments and constructive criticism, but for tonight my only comment is this. We didn't count the Omer. How many of you counted the Omer together at Seder last night?

To be fair to the leader, I myself didn't even think about completing the Seder. I was too busy trying to catch up with the cousins and listen out for cries of my children, the new inductees to the basement mayhem.

So tired from the cleaning and kashering and cooking and setting and serving, sometime we lose sight of the spiritual cycle. The big day takes so much out of us, we totally or nearly forget that it is a kick off event, not the end itself. Just like wedding planning it consumes as much time as the engagement allows, preparing for the relationship of marriage is usually neglected. Immersing in the preparation is its own process, and also part of a bigger picture. Pause for an aha moment - that's the story of my with baby triplets. Diapering, feeding, cleaning, dressing the children - it doesn't leave freedom to think, to read, to evaluate. I suppose no matter how little prep we do, those next stages will arrive (God willing) for us to find ourselves in bed counting the Omer seconds before sleep - or having that intimate conversation - or envisioning the children with their own families.

The girls were so wired even at midnight that after jumping on the bed and running around the room I just forced them into their Peapods and locked the zipper (with twist ties - did I ever tell you how they trashed the hotel room in Memphis?) Efforts at crying lasted less then thirty seconds, then they were too tired to try. One second of silence was followed by a wimper from E, then came 2 seconds of silence. I was counting the space in between the crying when I realized that I hadn't counted the first night of the Omer!

More than just counting, before we actually count the day of the Omer (out of 49, listed by days and weeks), we say a bracha (blessing). If you remember to count the Omer at night (when the "day" begins on Jewish time) you begin with the blessing. If you don't count until the next day, then you can't say the blessing. Admittedly I'll be happy if I count to 49 night or day, though I'd love to get all the blessings in. Blessings are special, they are blessings after all.

Tonight I said the bracha in the dark somewhere between Detroit and Chicago, using Omer Counter 2.0 on my iPhone. By then I was sitting in the way back, between Haley and N. One girl wanted me to help her sleep and the other needed me once she awoke.

Earlier in the ride it had been really quiet. I had nothing more to say to the driver and I realized that it was a good time for a talk with myself. I led myself in a little internal Seder of my own. I started with some venting, then went a bit deeper into a section that regrettably was edited out of our Seders, before I bored myself and was ready to eat some chocolate. The Four Children is a section of the telling that I've always loved in text and through numerous artistic depictions. There are four archetypes of children that can be seen as four different types of religious experience, four learning styles, four personalities, or four family roles. In discussing them we try to identify ourselves and get to hear our families thoughts about our self perception. I love that the archetype with which we identify most can change from year to year. I have been the Hacham, the wise child, immersed in Torah Study, fascinated with laws and traditions. I have been the Rasha in more recent years; the one who feels apart from tradition and questions the value of organized religion. For me being the Rasha was questioning faith or feeling mired in struggle without relief that. The all consuming life changing triplet pregnancy and parenthood also casts me as the Tam, the simple one who doesn't know what to ask - or who is indifferent to the answer. Sometimes the thread holding us in the tribe is very thin.

My realization tonight is that this year I relate to the One Who Cannot Ask. In some ways I've lost my voice. Different than when I was younger and learned how my voice had been taken away, then worked on taking it back, now something different is happening. I'm not clear on it all yet, which I remind myself is why the theme of the Omer is "Counting to Clarity". There's no Haggadah that tells me what I'm supposed to say to the world, no written curriculum for my spiritual development and no job description that's a role written for me. I know who I am and, at the same time, I don't know. I don't know what is to come and where I should be so vocal, or where I should listen for guidance. I'm not clear how to let spirit guide me and also act responsibly to my family's financial needs. I am both articulate and also inarticulate. I am both gifted with unique talents and expertise and also need variety and flexibility. I both want to honor what I'm meant to bring to the world and also have some balance and enjoyment. I am both clear about what I stand for and unclear about where my next step will lead.

Thankfully, I have this counting and the season that leads to clarity. One day at at time, I will bless the path from narrowly defined dark enslaved places to the free and clear and bright illuminated destination.

Tonight/today is the second day of the Omer.

For you: what was missing from your Seder experience that you want to include in your self-led Seder? What traditions/patterns in your life work? which don't work for you?

17 - Counting Chromosomes

All three of us were sucking on Tootsie Pops from the embryologist's stash of candy, and enjoying ourselves even while I was quite uncomfortable with each of the three poking sessions. The expert prenatal diagnostician who was a pioneer of this CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling ) procedure in the United States, and who would soon become my primary ob/gyn, was taking samples from the chorion (pre-placental) tissue of each twelve week old fetus. Genetic tests would give us valuable information about the health of each fetus enabling us to make the best decisions about their care. Some of the most dire chromosomal outcomes happen when there are too many or too few chromosomes. While we were counting days until the results came in, some geneticist was counting chromosomes.

Omer counting is bound by a thick cord to my pregnancy because my first success at counting each day was when I was on bed rest counting towards the goal of carrying my three beyond the average triplet term of 32 weeks to 33 weeks. In 5768/2008 getting through the Omer counting period was the Jewish calendar's way of determining life and death. Had I gone into labor at the beginning of the omer they would have been 26 weeks, not really viable. For those of you now thinking that usually pregancy lasts 40 weeks, it is significant that fifty percent of triplet pregnancies end at 28 weeks. And those surviving babies can be under 2 pounds with scary odds and need lots of intervention and months of NICU time. I wrote my first ever omer piece last year in reflection of that very real counting towards life (I will share it with you for tomorrow in advance of counting on Shabbat). I went into labor on Shavuot, just after the counting ended, and after five more days in the hospital holding them in just a bit longer they were born.

All chromosomes had previously been accounted for. Upon hearing the results, minus the gender determination, we were relieved to learn that there were no chromosomal abnormalities. Genetic tests give valuable information that may determine the course of a pregnancy and pre-natal treatment. Multiple gestations complicate the environment because one fetus in distress can threaten the others. Done between 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, CVS gives results much sooner than amniocentesis and give more options to expectant parents – again especially in multiple pregnancies or for families with known genetic concerns. Though we weren't in the latter category, it is significant that technology makes it possible to genetically test embryos before they are implanted. The impact of this is huge. When the genetic panel blood draw shows that wanna-be parents, or genetic donors, are carriers of Jewish genetic diseases (or other less common ones) the information may lead to a decision to pursue in vitro fertilization (IVF) and pre-implantation embryonic genetic screening. With chromosomal abnormalities that always prevent a pregnancy from producing a child, this can spare the mother. With genetic diseases that will bring disability or pain it is helpful information that may help families prepare.

Connection to my synagogue community and several sunny hours at shul today in meetings and shmoozing inspired this kind-of preachy topic. In my home community this Shabbat is Jewish Genetics Shabbat co-sponsored by the national resource Chicago Center for Jewish Genetic Disorders when we will hear personal stories from the bimah Shabbat morning. Community is the partner theme for today. I felt so at home today at shul, warmed by the real community feeling. I think in my original omer essay I commented on the community support during our high risk pregnancy and challenging start so I won't go further with that here. For today, in the present, I'm happy to be getting back to being a contributing member of the community, helping to care for those who cared for me, and those who will in turn share with others in their need.

Abundant blessings in our community mean that I cannot even count the number of people who assisted us in our times of need. Once we got past counting chromosomes, and counting days till our babies entered the world, we got busy counting fingers and toes, diapers and bottles, hours of sleep. Nearly two years later we get to count ourselves blessed with a full family and a close community for sharing caring. Now that is worth counting each day.

Today is the 17th day of the Omer, 2 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.

Also this Shabbat is Netivot/Pathways, a contemplative alternative morning of meditation, yoga and more. We will try to coordinate timing with the Jewish Genetic Shabbat speakers, then continue Netivot/Pathways with a Spiritual Direction session and more.


and for personal practice: try listening to another person's story with the intent of only listening for the bigger picture, what is important to THEM, where God is in it for them. take a break from comparing yourself, from critiquing their decisions or life, from correcting them or giving advice. this is the practice of Spiritual Direction; you can try it for your self. I welcome your reactions and responses.

13 - Endings and Beginnings

Today I helped two couples finalize their divorces. And I said mazal tov each time.

Divorce itself is not cause for celebration, clearly it is a loss of hopes and dreams. By the time couples initiate the Jewish legal divorce process their civil divorce is complete. Often they wait years, until one of the two is ready to re-marry, to get the Get – the document that severs the bond of marriage. At that point, the mazal tov acknowledges their readiness to welcome new beginnings. Of course I only select those words when I know the situation. And even then, when years have passed – five, ten even thirty years- the Jewish divorce proceedings draw up some amount of emotional tension and uneasiness. Though each person has “moved on” in life as if they were divorced, they know on a deep level that this tie still binds. No matter that they have no regard for Jewish law, they know that they neglected to finalize a Jewish divorce and at some psychic level feel that mental-spiritual attachment.

Mazal tov actually implies a wish that the stars and constellations will be aligned in a good way. In this sense that is always an appropriate blessing, more specific than a blanket congratulations. With divorce, a hand written document is drawn up specifically for these two people and for the sake of their divorce. It permanently breaks the bond of covenant created under the chuppah, an action that no one ever envisions for themselves. At the wedding, a forever future is dreamed up as two people bind their destinies together. With divorce comes the end of those dreams and a often jarring jump to a new path, new cosmos.

Having been through it myself, I know that it can be the right thing. And even when it is, that it can be the hardest thing a person does. When I facilitate the Get process my intent is to accompany the individuals in their decision to pursue a Jewish divorce. I honor their choice, educate them about the process and encourage them to seek support. Trying to balance ritual meaning with particular and scripted legal requirements, I wonder if there is more I can do to represent Jewish wisdom on loss, and starting over.

Heart pounding when purchasing a book about divorce, scared to share my decision, I remember feeling so lonely and ashamed. Once made, the decision was a revelation of truth yet did nothing to lessen my love. We divided property and pets and began an excruciating period of negotiating acceptable contact.

When a rabbi told me that it takes five years to get over divorce, I optimistically hoped it would be shorter for me since I was certain in my decision and already felt relief. Life moves on and even improved immediately for me, and I know my ex-husband had a quite different experience. I wish neither of us had to go through that pain, the grief, at our own time, in our own world, and my sympathy extends to both of us and to every person that dissolves a marriage. I wasn't so special to get a shortened sentence. And now, I believe that there is always some degree of healing that can happen even five, ten, thirty years later.

Safely on the other side, I know that the stars do shine after the darkness of divorce blows over. The relationship had its lessons, its learnings. The divorce cultivated strength and resolve. Completely certainly and undoubtably severing that bond is essential and that is why I feel strongly about facilitating the process for every divorcing or divorced person.

Mazal tov is good fortune, which is certain to follow, in time. A whole new constellation of life awaits, worlds of blessings, rays of illumination.


Today is the 13th day of the Omer. One week and six days.


For your practice: what needs closure in your life? How can you become ready to end that chapter? In what ways are you still mourning past losses? What are your lessons and learnings from the past? How do you dream your stars will re-align? Create a ritual for yourself to sever a bond that you need to let go of. Consider writing, mikveh, time in nature, art and more.