13 - Endings and Beginnings

Today I helped two couples finalize their divorces. And I said mazal tov each time.

Divorce itself is not cause for celebration, clearly it is a loss of hopes and dreams. By the time couples initiate the Jewish legal divorce process their civil divorce is complete. Often they wait years, until one of the two is ready to re-marry, to get the Get – the document that severs the bond of marriage. At that point, the mazal tov acknowledges their readiness to welcome new beginnings. Of course I only select those words when I know the situation. And even then, when years have passed – five, ten even thirty years- the Jewish divorce proceedings draw up some amount of emotional tension and uneasiness. Though each person has “moved on” in life as if they were divorced, they know on a deep level that this tie still binds. No matter that they have no regard for Jewish law, they know that they neglected to finalize a Jewish divorce and at some psychic level feel that mental-spiritual attachment.

Mazal tov actually implies a wish that the stars and constellations will be aligned in a good way. In this sense that is always an appropriate blessing, more specific than a blanket congratulations. With divorce, a hand written document is drawn up specifically for these two people and for the sake of their divorce. It permanently breaks the bond of covenant created under the chuppah, an action that no one ever envisions for themselves. At the wedding, a forever future is dreamed up as two people bind their destinies together. With divorce comes the end of those dreams and a often jarring jump to a new path, new cosmos.

Having been through it myself, I know that it can be the right thing. And even when it is, that it can be the hardest thing a person does. When I facilitate the Get process my intent is to accompany the individuals in their decision to pursue a Jewish divorce. I honor their choice, educate them about the process and encourage them to seek support. Trying to balance ritual meaning with particular and scripted legal requirements, I wonder if there is more I can do to represent Jewish wisdom on loss, and starting over.

Heart pounding when purchasing a book about divorce, scared to share my decision, I remember feeling so lonely and ashamed. Once made, the decision was a revelation of truth yet did nothing to lessen my love. We divided property and pets and began an excruciating period of negotiating acceptable contact.

When a rabbi told me that it takes five years to get over divorce, I optimistically hoped it would be shorter for me since I was certain in my decision and already felt relief. Life moves on and even improved immediately for me, and I know my ex-husband had a quite different experience. I wish neither of us had to go through that pain, the grief, at our own time, in our own world, and my sympathy extends to both of us and to every person that dissolves a marriage. I wasn't so special to get a shortened sentence. And now, I believe that there is always some degree of healing that can happen even five, ten, thirty years later.

Safely on the other side, I know that the stars do shine after the darkness of divorce blows over. The relationship had its lessons, its learnings. The divorce cultivated strength and resolve. Completely certainly and undoubtably severing that bond is essential and that is why I feel strongly about facilitating the process for every divorcing or divorced person.

Mazal tov is good fortune, which is certain to follow, in time. A whole new constellation of life awaits, worlds of blessings, rays of illumination.


Today is the 13th day of the Omer. One week and six days.


For your practice: what needs closure in your life? How can you become ready to end that chapter? In what ways are you still mourning past losses? What are your lessons and learnings from the past? How do you dream your stars will re-align? Create a ritual for yourself to sever a bond that you need to let go of. Consider writing, mikveh, time in nature, art and more.