34 No Knot Days (for Sara)

With a definite bias towards partnering people up in marriage, it is a bit strange that Judaism has black out days for weddings. Yep, we do. Basically the first thirty-three days of the Omer are no knot days, though they're not the only ones throughout the year. Biblically these days were the path from exodus from Egypt to revelation at Mt. Sinai, a trying trek marked by uncertainty and fear. Later history layered on mourning for 24,000 Torah students of Rabbi Akiva and another host of historical trauma. The 33rd day marked a change for the better and became an Israeli bonfire BBQ celebration called Lag B'Omer (the alpha-numerics for 33 is lamed (L=30) gimel(G=3), abbreviated as “Lag”). With exceptions, many Jewish communities permit weddings only on and after Lag B'Omer. A lenient ruling completes the mourning observances after Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day) prior to Lag B'Omer; still, some restrict the entire seven weeks.

The funeral procession always stops for a simcha. We never ignore joyous occasions to sit in our sorrow. When a simcha has been scheduled and a tragedy happens we don't delay the wedding, though we modify the form of celebration. From the start though, wedding planning considers cyclical times of mourning and we prevent schedule conflicts. The joy should be as pure as possible.

Weddings are supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. That's what the bridal business sells us. The emotions are much more complex and logistically it is not a carefree day. Having officiated at many weddings I know that sadness often makes its appearance at some point on the wedding day. Lots of brides and grooms stand under the chuppah without the parents and grandparents they always imagined would be there. So that sadness doesn't overwhelm, we separate the calendar date away from mourning periods and we create a space outside of the chuppah to remember the love and hopes and dreams of the parents who died before their child's wedding day. Pre-wedding rituals can be designed to draw up the love and soul connection so all the blessings of love and beautiful memories brighten the day.

There's an element of loss in every new beginning so that's not enough excuse to inhibit weddings; more than the mourning, the emotional quality of omer is instability. Wandering in the wilderness, looking backwards at the familiar landscape of suffering, dealing with major trust issues – these are not appropriate activities for entering a covenant. The midrash tells that God had to hold the mountain over our ancestors' heads until they agreed to accept the Torah. Until they got to Sinai they were not ready to create that covenant with God. Couples create a loving covenant of marriage under the chuppah, and the choice to enter must be clear. This is a moment of arrival, of acceptance and of faith which can only occur after revelation. The bright light of blessing illuminates clarity, certainty and commitment – necessary companions to love.

The Baal Shem Tov said:

From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.

The seven weeks of the omer are a spiritual practice of preparation, a powerful tool towards transformation. At the end, each individual alone stands at Sinai to be initiated into the community of Israel, to be blessed by the stream of divine light. Open to receiving instruction and direction and illumination from the Source of all blessing, we pray that our choices create closeness in relationship with our beloved, with our families, with our friends. Seven cycles of seven, the fullness of full, wholeness of the whole, light joining light. Be'sha'ah tova, this is the hour of goodness!

Today is the 34th day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 6 days. Let the wedding season begin - mazal tov!

30 - Naming Names

What stressed them out was a soulful exercise for me. How I named three children all at once was a subject of fascination to many people. Without knowing the genders of each of the trio, those who struggled to decide on one girl name and one boy name couldn't fathom how we could figure out how to settle on names for the possible gender combinations: 2 boys, 1 girl; 1 girl, 2 boys; 3 boys; 3 girls; first names, middle names. People were so curious about my techniques.

I am an expert in naming babies. As a rabbi I have the honor of helping others select names for their children. Even before I ever became a parent I named many children. And since I've given birth to three children I have named many more. Sometimes I am consulted in advance; usually I enter the process in preparation for a baby naming ceremony. Rarely do the parents come to me with a Hebrew name for their child. They turn to me for methods and suggestions.

People go online and find names that are supposedly Hebrew with no actual linguistic connection to Hebrew. People find names in books that would make Israeli's laugh. There are Biblical names, modern Hebrew names, and Yiddish names. There are traditions, some more influential than others, and guidelines that vary from community to community.

Most ubiquitous is the Ashkenazic custom of naming a child in memory of a loved one lost. It's always helpful when the parents know the relative's Hebrew name. Most times, they have to do some research. With Yiddish dialects, nicknames, distant memories and no documents to confirm, finding out an actual Hebrew name can be challenging. Knowing the names is also quite crucial for the ketubah, wedding contract, for an aliyah to the Torah, for a Jewish divorce document (Get), for a grave stone.

Any and all of these written sources can be used to find Hebrew names to keep in the family. Still, it is rare that a baby receive the same exact Hebrew name as her deceased relative. We may use the Hebrew basis of a Yiddish name, the feminine of a man's name, or the masculine of a woman's name. A popular technique is using the same first letter, so Yisroel becomes Yaniv, Rachel becomes Ronit, Elizabeth becomes Elisheva. Another method I like is finding another name with the same meaning as the relative's name; this is especially helpful when the Hebrew name is totally untraceable and we use the English name to translate into a Hebrew form.

Selecting a name is a significant task, one that will be with our children forever and ever, and be in our family l'dor vador, from one generation to another. Announcing the name and bestowing it upon the child is a powerful ritual. Both are huge honors for me, explaining why I became an expert in this ritual area?

The Lion King captured it perfectly when daddy whispered baby cub's name to him, then Lion King Mufasa held up baby Simba, the future Lion King for all the kingdom to see. That is the personal and public significance of the Brit/Covenant ceremony, both for boys in Brit Milah and for girls in Brit Bat. Simba was welcomed into the Circle of Life, and Jewish babies are welcomed into the the Covenant of Israel, that holds sacred the Tree of Life, Torah teaching.

Brit ceremonies are one of my favorites; I'm excited for my second one of the season this Sunday! (Since naming ceremonies for girls aren't commanded to be on the eighth day like a Brit Milah for a boy, parents often delay the Brit Bat until a convenient time. And voila, I usually have summer Sundays booked fun with Brit Bat ceremonies!)

I have a knack for naming. As always, I aim to help people be true to themselves. Its a matter of style. We name our children the same way we present ourselves with clothing, hair, makeup and accessories. All an expression of our true selves, we strive to match each new soul with the name that best represents her shechinah self. With all the careful consideration in selecting a child's name, the ritual must match the intention in intensity. In this sacred naming of a baby, child, or even an adult Jew-By-Choice, we welcome a new soul into our family, community, covenant and world with blessing, great pride and joy. The ceremoniousness of the ceremony is fitting to the precious purpose.

Today is day 30 of the Omer, which is 4 weeks and 2 days of the Omer.

For consideration: what are your names? English, Hebrew. First, middle, last, daughter/son of.... What name do you call yourself? What name does God call you? Who and what have you named? How did you select those names and do they fit the soul of the being? If you were to name your self right now, how would you decide?

apologies: I missed a few nights! I am sorry that I couldn't keep up my writing commitment this week. I hope to fill in the missing days, so look out for out-of-order numbers.