14 - Soul Bundles

Too busy, then too tired, from doing a mom job designing a siddur cover for an upcoming ceremony, writing about the omer was not happening last night.

All day long I had been thinking about the approaching day number fourteen, the day of June in 2008 that I birthed my three now-toddler babies. For sure it has become my favorite number, next to the pervasive and simple power of 3. The gematria geek in me loves that it is divided to make 7, my older daughters birth date (March '02), and multiplied to make 28, the dates of both their Abba's and Eema's birth (in September and November of respectively – of different years). All on cycles of seven, the holy number of completion and Shabbat peace, we are a soul family, drawn together to create a sacred home.

My previously quoted friend Nikki taught me at my pre-wedding women's Shabbat gathering that she knows the primary value that defines her marriage and she keeps it in mind, especially when she looks in her husband's eyes during a tough time. Of all the lessons shared by women that day, hers is the one that I count on the most. I remember the first time my husband and I held each other I felt something mystical in my heart, heart opening, heart connection. It took some attention and observation to discover (and confirm and re-affirm) that the primary value that defines my marriage is generosity. We inspire generosity in one another and challenge each other to expand our hearts, home and pockets in hospitality, sharing and openness. While writing today my musical muse is none other than Naomi Less, who was the spiritual leader of that Shabbat Kallah (Bride's Shabbat). Our theme song “What You Give” just revealed itself while I'm listening to her cd Meshuga'at. “ And I believe, ani maamina, that the life you live is about what you give.” More than anything, this is our family belief.

My oldest daughter, the big sister of triplets, was my first soul daughter and despite having no biological connection to her nor a legal one, I selfishly feel that she was brought into the world for me. Not only for me, but still, for our souls to share life together. When she is not at home with us, a piece is missing. When she is at home, or at least sleeping at home for the night, the peace returns. Last night I was creating a photo collage of her first day of Hebrew school, her Purim costumes throughout the years, Hanukah candlelighting, pre-Holiday photos, and life cycle moments; this will become the siddur cover for her very first siddur. Last Shabbat she read Torah for the first time. Eight years old and she wants to read Torah, reminds me to light Shabbat candles, and is a mitzvah maker.

Like her, I am an oldest daugher-oldest child and am positioned between parents as the first tie that binds. Negotiating the changes my father's illness forces in our family, my perspective on my divorced parents is compassionate to both. All through their divorce and post-divorce life I set a clear zero-tolerance boundary for negative complaints about each other. I'll allow a certain amount of reflection of the past, but no current criticism. Knowing first hand how divorce redefines one's life, I try to be compassionate to my parents without enabling triangulation. They are grown ups with their own adult resources and are doing just fine with it. Now, unexpectedly- we are again in close proximity again, having celebrated Passover all together. As a child, it was surprisingly sweet to have both my parents there, with my mom's new husband, and with all of us children and grandchildren. Worth mentioning is that Passover begins on the 14th of Nissan.

I think the most important thing a parent can model for their children is a loving and respectful regard for the other people the child loves. Including one's self, the other parent or parents, if any, grandparents, siblings. Regardless of how young or old the child is, she is the center of her own world of soul connections. Parenting is not easy, especially challenging when you don't have that soul connection or any positive feelings for the other important people in your child's life.

Imagine the twine that rounds a bundle of grain, a literal Omer. We each bundle together our soul family. My s-daughter bundles me together as her "other mother", in with my husband and also with her mother. She is our only connection to her mother, and holds us together in her top three caretakers, love providers and role models. That alone forces the responsibility upon us to treat one another – with words, actions AND heart- with goodness, respect and dare-I-say a beloved regard. Realizing this ideal is the most emotionally challenging task, especially when thinking about the history and even current conflicts. And, even when the other is mean, spiteful, abusive, hateful to us, we are responsible for fostering only love between our child and that person. I can hold this expectation for my parents because I hold it for myself, and I hold God accountable in the same manner. More than simply giving money for tzedakah from the physical realm, we reach deep into our mental depths and through our spiritual seeking to consciously carefully give generously from our hearts.

Today is the 14th day of the Omer, which is 2 weeks of the Omer.


From What You Give (Naomi Less on Meshuga'at) – www.naomiless.com:
My mind will know your troubles, but I don't comprehend
how your pain will never turn you bitter in the end.
You never show the truth behind your unassuming smile,
so rest a minute listen to my words

You bring me joy, sasson v'simcha,
you bring great love, ahava rabba,
And I believe, ani maamina,
that the life you live is about what you give.”

more reflections:
Safety first, always sharing love, then what else? I asked my facebook friends “what is the most important thing a parent should model for their children?” Answers include: shoes, patience, and shalom bayit. What would you add? What can you do today to free yourself up to be the best you can be?

Stress makes it hard to be our best. You may need to start with some alone time, self-nurturing, a treat. I would start with dark chocolate, a long hot shower and my 10 step miessence (www.ravyogaorganics.com) facial at home. Before putting yourself through a rigorous inventory, take care of yourself and then consider your primary values. Please share!