31 - Just Ask

Not only did I bring a fantastic organic chocolate bar as a preemptive thank you, I arranged for someone to get a new monitor and mouse for her sucky synagogue workstation after I borrowed her computer at lunch hour. Long story, but I needed to use a program that is sadly not supported by my shiny new iMac. Her computer was painful. The monitor was dull and angled down as if it was hanging its head in shame. The mouse was sticky and attached with a cord that was pretty tightly thread through a gap in the workstation. My edits could have been completed in half the time with a fully functioning mouse and an easy to see screen. I can't imagine how it muddles up her productivity not to mention her sanity and why an employer would have her suffer so. When asked, she told me that she is also unhappy with it, and commented that she never thought to ask for a change. On my way out, I told one of the administrators about this situation. Instead of giving backlash, the response was an easy “sure, I'll take care of it, have her call me.” The budget was in place, and the only action needed was an ask. What a rush I felt.

For the second time in one week I referred to the book title Ask for It, and the statistic I learned that for every one time a woman asks for something (a raise, a benefit, a coffee, a day off, etc.) a man asks four times. And with all the even modest raises and gives multiplied by four and extended over a career, the inequity between a man and woman is in the millions of dollars. Seriously. A mid-level woman can lose millions of dollars to her male colleague who quickly surpasses her in position and salary just because they (have the confidence to..., are raised to...,think to..., don't hesitate to...) ask.

Which leads to the title of the next book by the same authors, Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, Women Don't Ask. Why don't women ask? They don't know they can, they don't think they will get it, the thought of asking is frightening or paralyzing.

Years of feminist reading and thought, college classes and even a concentration in Jewish Women's Studies in Rabbinical school, and I never learned about this until at a conference for female rabbis last November. It was then that the puzzle of my career started piecing itself together. I remembered being so angry that my male colleague suddenly had a discretionary fund, and I, his equal, had none. Not once did I think that he just asked for it, and I didn't ask– not even after his showed up in the synagogue bulletin. I felt that I deserved it and that the higher-ups should have just recognized it and made it happen for me, too; and in my mind the colleague was at fault too. And now, I'm thinking about how it adversely affected the relationship with my colleague when I should mourn a long line of lost funds and advancement opportunities. Both issues are such a shame, shanda, it would have been such a different experience. My line of thinking is proven in research to be exactly in line with the majority of women in the workplace, maybe at home too. The reasons women think this way and act this way are an interesting psychological, sociological, cultural, societal complexity. The solution is simple, a perspective shift and summoning the stamina to start asking, four times more often and for much more than we'd be inclined to ask. This lesson is invaluable.

For lots of girls, asking feels selfish. The expectation is that we give, that we take care of others, not for financial earnings, just for the emotional closeness of the relationship, downplaying the real world value of our talents.

There's a lot to say about this false sense of generosity. We don't build ourselves up by counting ways in which we sacrificed ourselves to help others. Life isn't a martyr competition, that's not the point. “Nice girls don’t ask, but smart women do," Lois Frankel writes, "Ask for It provides the tangible tools and tips you need to get your fair share of the raises, promotions, and perks you’ve earned–and deserve.” Though we may be extreme helpers in a self-negating way, it is not pure as giving from a position of fullness. Financial compensation and benefits are earned in the exchange of energy; they add to our fullness with recognition of our professional gifts. Earnings are not a random reward, especially when packages awarded are determined based on our requests. The health of both the helper and helpee benefit from giving from fullness.

Generosity is a state of heart, to give with an open heart we have to be open to readily receive. It's a way of being, like breathing. The divine breath of life is given, inhale, we hold it, send it out with faith, watch it there, breath it in fully once again. To be truly generous, we must be generous with ourselves in expecting to breath in only the fullest recognition and compensation for our work. Only then can we send it out in service.

Today is the 31st day of the Omer, 4 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.


To do: check out the Ask For It and Women Don't Ask websites. What are you asking for? What could you ask for? Why not? What asking opportunities have passed by? What asking opportunities will you grab to fuel your generosity?