Body warming into that deep state of relaxation, tummy-to-tummy, milk sippy resting on my chest, baby making those sweet suckling noises, I was in bliss. For just a moment, when my nearly two year old youngest settled into position on my lap, I looked down and it was almost if she was nursing at my breast.
And then I started melting, body simulating the hormone cocktail of oxytocin and prolactin I hadn't enjoyed since those days when I was actually breastfeeding and pumping for my triplets. Yes, I remembered, I produced mother's milk for three babies at once.
Those maternity nurses thought I was crazy to insist that they bring me the pump right when I returned from the OR, or that I set an alarm to wake me for pumping every few hours. They thought it a bad idea that I go visit my new babies in the middle of that first night after only several hours of sleep, to hand deliver precious drops of colustrum. Forget about the silver spoon, I was giving my girls liquid gold.
For three weeks in the Neotatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) my preemie triplets got breastmilk for every feeding. There sometimes was formula mixed in to compensate as my production caught up to demand, but for the most part I was providing their sustenance. At first they needed feeding tubes, but I was determined to breast feed, and they started to get the hang of it before they left the hospital to come home. That was still a month before their due date.
Once home, I nursed all three and as you might imagine I turned from incubator to milk producer. Alternating who got the left and who got the right, and who got to tandem nurse and who got me all to herself, and pumping after each feeding, it was the most special, amazing intriguing process. Incredibly important to me to nurse my children, those early months were all about the boobs. I was determined and knew it was possible, and this was one thing that I would not add to my list of mothering losses. My expectation, my normal. That my body did this extraordinary job of giving life to three babies at once and nourishing them for months doesn't cross my mind as I go through life -- ever.
Earlier today, a friend sent me an admiring note of appreciation, and in my mind I immediately started denying her affirmation of my roles. She wrote “You are an amazing -----, -----, ----, mother, -------, -----.” My immediate reaction was to list the many reasons why I am not that. At least I didn't let myself go there. But I could, and I don't even want to elaborate for the shame of it all. I could take each of the roles she complimented and start on how I am failing, where I am vulnerable, that I am imperfect. Easier to deny than to accept and absorb this gift. Oddly enough it is respect that I have for my friend, that graced me with the awareness that I had to return to her note, her truth, and let it sink in for real.
That one moment that took me back to the nursing days allowed me to accept that maybe I am an amazing mother. My goodness, I nursed three babies at once. A pretty amazing feat and in of itself, that should count for something! Triplet nursing should give me a lifetime membership to the awesome mom club, don't you think?
The Omer is ending, today is the last day. Today is the 49th day of the Omer, which is 7 weeks! The counting is complete and yet there is not closure. Only when the day ends will the entire period be over. We still have hours and hours now to count for the continuation of the Omer. Not sure how to check in as those hours progress, as we seamlessly transition into Shavuot, when the holiday ends or beyond.
The OOCC met its goal of creating an online omer counting community, and I am grateful for your comments and emails that signaled that you are out there sharing this counting experience. I could dwell on the few days I missed, the unanswered questions I raised, the bad mommy moments. Instead I lift up today as a day for recognizing and celebrating our accomplishments. Revelation is to come, that will illuminate the brilliance of our souls, the divine qualities that shine within and from us.
what can you celebrate? what accomplishments do you deny or downplay?
what truths, qualities, talents are in your spiritual DNA? If a divine light could illuminate your gifts, what would shine from you? Who in your live is a mirror for your light and for whom do you mirror the spark of God within? how will your Shavuot (Tues pm thru Thurs pm) include practices of light and acceptance of your reality and truth, the gifts and divine mystery in your life?
Monday, May 17, 2010
48 -simple for now
Today is the 48th day of the Omer, 6 weeks and 6 days of the Omer. Only one more night of counting. then what?
Two years ago on this day I invited a 6 year old to sleep over with our 6 year old.
I drank lemonade and felt the babies respond to the sugar. I was three days away from labor.
Now, like then, I have a jumble of ideas and feelings in my head and body. Approaching this goal date feeling quite vulnerable.
Needed to count this night now, while hoping to come back tomorrow to dedicate more thought to this day.
Two years ago on this day I invited a 6 year old to sleep over with our 6 year old.
I drank lemonade and felt the babies respond to the sugar. I was three days away from labor.
Now, like then, I have a jumble of ideas and feelings in my head and body. Approaching this goal date feeling quite vulnerable.
Needed to count this night now, while hoping to come back tomorrow to dedicate more thought to this day.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
47 - Counting/Story
There's a direct connection between counting, taking account, then recounting the story. The Hebrew words for counting and story are the same; save some vowels the three letter root (SPR) is identical. L'saper is “to count”; l'seepoor is “to tell a story”. That's what this whole OOCC thing has been about, counting the days of the omer, taking account of daily developments and illustrating conclusions and connections with stories.
Another level of word play connects counting with God. Sefira, the word for counting, is also the word used in Kabbalah for divine personality attributes. Both above, in the Divine realm, and below, in the earthly human realm, these emanations enumerate ten. Layered over an image of the body, the sefirot illustrate connections between the physical and the spiritual. Multiple pathways lead between all combinations of the sefirot (plural for sefira) and the entire Alef-Bet labels the paths. In the visual image of the system, one can imagine movement on the paths - the letters forming words forming phrases that unfold into written stories, spoken too.
While I have been paying attention and hoping for some end of counting revelation, the truth is that each day of counting brings its own merit. Finding words to match feelings, stories to illustrate belief, and the ability to hit “publish” is demonstration that a light is on inside. Each day a chapter of the omer book, together they may have a unified theme or may be a collection. We're not quite at the end yet, conclusions are premature. A reminder to count each day as a whole, to be present for the glimmers and flashes.
With 2 days left of the omer, I'm taking requests for topics and hope you'll post them as a comment. ....And next week we'll see what comes, and how we'll continue making life count after this project culminates.
Today is the 47th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Another level of word play connects counting with God. Sefira, the word for counting, is also the word used in Kabbalah for divine personality attributes. Both above, in the Divine realm, and below, in the earthly human realm, these emanations enumerate ten. Layered over an image of the body, the sefirot illustrate connections between the physical and the spiritual. Multiple pathways lead between all combinations of the sefirot (plural for sefira) and the entire Alef-Bet labels the paths. In the visual image of the system, one can imagine movement on the paths - the letters forming words forming phrases that unfold into written stories, spoken too.
While I have been paying attention and hoping for some end of counting revelation, the truth is that each day of counting brings its own merit. Finding words to match feelings, stories to illustrate belief, and the ability to hit “publish” is demonstration that a light is on inside. Each day a chapter of the omer book, together they may have a unified theme or may be a collection. We're not quite at the end yet, conclusions are premature. A reminder to count each day as a whole, to be present for the glimmers and flashes.
With 2 days left of the omer, I'm taking requests for topics and hope you'll post them as a comment. ....And next week we'll see what comes, and how we'll continue making life count after this project culminates.
Today is the 47th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Friday, May 14, 2010
46 - Baby Bird
When I was in high school there was the cool mom who gushed about her husband and told us that she married her best friend and they still have the best sex in the world for ever and ever, she was the luckiest girl on earth to have this awesome marriage, vibrant, sensual, satisfying - just look at her and her amazing best friend-husband and the smile on her face and glow on her skin. Years later I heard that she got divorced and my one example of a happy marriage was dissolved.
In college I met an older-than-me distinguished type married couple who whose relationship was based on other than sex and passion. I respected it but totally didn't get it. Didn't want that for myself, I wanted sparks with the friendship and sharing stories and housework and fantasies and love and the kind of lovemaking I imagined would go with all that.
Living in Israel for a year between college and rabbinical school, I became close with a classmate and came to admire her partnership. Finally, I thought I found a loving relationship set in sacredness. I watched them bless each other on Shabbat and wanted that for myself. I observed the calm and respectful way they related, and the deep affection they portrayed. They too have since separated.
I feel like the little chick in Are You My Mother? walking through the world looking for my true model for marriage. Just like the baby bird, I've probably walked right by it, because I don't know what it looks like. Are you my marriage? No, I am the unhappy version your parents endured for 30 years, you do not want me to be your marriage. Are you my marriage? No, you are a bag of secrets and cheating, looks sexy but lacks substance. Are you my marriage? No, you are platonic, stable but dry. Are you my marriage? No, I am a romanticized television version of one, just made up to mess with your expectations, I cannot be your marriage. Are you my marriage? No, I am a lesbian couple, Venus and Venus no Martians in here, I cannot be your marriage.
Even God of the Jewish Bible borrows marriage as the metaphor for the covenant between God and the Jewish people, and that relationship endures drama, betrayal, abandonment and exile. An exception, The Song of Songs portrays the idyllic lovers in the garden with poetry and song, affection and delight. If only we could all stay and play in paradise all day! Not even the Divine marriage is blissful when the partners step out into the real world of stress and temptation. Sure, this covenant is binding and in theory we don't have the choice to walk away. But separation through exile still persists so I still seek the model for reconciliation within the covenant, within marriage.
Baby Bird thought the tractor was his mother until it became scary and lifted him up, up, up off the ground. Oh no! I thought this was my marriage but it is not where I want to be, exclaimed this little chick many years ago.
Oh no! I want my mother, I need my moooothhhhherrrrr, baby bird screamed as the tractor was taking him far, far away. This really is not my marriage, and it is over, I realized way back when in a moment of acceptance.
Please put me down, baby bird cried as the tractor was placing him back in the nest in the tree. I followed my inner knowing through trembles and tremors and got through my divorce. And soon, baby bird was back safe at home. And the little chick flew the coop and found her way back to a new tree top nest, a sweet lake view condo paradise. And it was good, very very good.
I've heard that “remarriage is the victory of hope over experience.” (if you know the original source, please share.) This covenant idea that permeates my Jewish life is so persistant that hope returned eventually. Another chuppah, 4 children, 2 dogs later I sometimes still feel like that chick walking around asking “are you my marriage?” I wish there was a blueprint or an archetypal couple to consult.
Instead there is communication, there is commitment and there is covenant. If, like with the soul's connection to its Divine source, we cannot or do not want to disconnect, we have to keep returning, re-working, re-entering the covenant. Lord knows its not easy. Seriously, God is no expert in relationships and couldn't even write the book on marriage. So I shouldn't feel so bad that mine isn't perfect, there doesn't seem to be a perfect marriage out there. Anywhere. That's life, as they say. That's a shift in expectations, in the definition of covenant. That's a work in progress, always requiring both partners contribution, even when one of them is God.
Covenant is a commitment, an eternal every day choice to connect and accept the blessings and the responsibilities. Paradise is there for inspiration, not to set us up for failure. We count our days, we count on one another, we count on hope that the scary tractor will bring us safely back home to our nest.
After seven weeks of counting, we celebrate covenant with the gift of Torah on Shavuot. Let's consider it an anniversary, time to reconnect and re-enter the relationship however broken or complete it may be today.
Tonight will be the 46th day of the Omer, 6 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. The last Shabbat of the Omer.
In college I met an older-than-me distinguished type married couple who whose relationship was based on other than sex and passion. I respected it but totally didn't get it. Didn't want that for myself, I wanted sparks with the friendship and sharing stories and housework and fantasies and love and the kind of lovemaking I imagined would go with all that.
Living in Israel for a year between college and rabbinical school, I became close with a classmate and came to admire her partnership. Finally, I thought I found a loving relationship set in sacredness. I watched them bless each other on Shabbat and wanted that for myself. I observed the calm and respectful way they related, and the deep affection they portrayed. They too have since separated.
I feel like the little chick in Are You My Mother? walking through the world looking for my true model for marriage. Just like the baby bird, I've probably walked right by it, because I don't know what it looks like. Are you my marriage? No, I am the unhappy version your parents endured for 30 years, you do not want me to be your marriage. Are you my marriage? No, you are a bag of secrets and cheating, looks sexy but lacks substance. Are you my marriage? No, you are platonic, stable but dry. Are you my marriage? No, I am a romanticized television version of one, just made up to mess with your expectations, I cannot be your marriage. Are you my marriage? No, I am a lesbian couple, Venus and Venus no Martians in here, I cannot be your marriage.
Even God of the Jewish Bible borrows marriage as the metaphor for the covenant between God and the Jewish people, and that relationship endures drama, betrayal, abandonment and exile. An exception, The Song of Songs portrays the idyllic lovers in the garden with poetry and song, affection and delight. If only we could all stay and play in paradise all day! Not even the Divine marriage is blissful when the partners step out into the real world of stress and temptation. Sure, this covenant is binding and in theory we don't have the choice to walk away. But separation through exile still persists so I still seek the model for reconciliation within the covenant, within marriage.
Baby Bird thought the tractor was his mother until it became scary and lifted him up, up, up off the ground. Oh no! I thought this was my marriage but it is not where I want to be, exclaimed this little chick many years ago.
Oh no! I want my mother, I need my moooothhhhherrrrr, baby bird screamed as the tractor was taking him far, far away. This really is not my marriage, and it is over, I realized way back when in a moment of acceptance.
Please put me down, baby bird cried as the tractor was placing him back in the nest in the tree. I followed my inner knowing through trembles and tremors and got through my divorce. And soon, baby bird was back safe at home. And the little chick flew the coop and found her way back to a new tree top nest, a sweet lake view condo paradise. And it was good, very very good.
I've heard that “remarriage is the victory of hope over experience.” (if you know the original source, please share.) This covenant idea that permeates my Jewish life is so persistant that hope returned eventually. Another chuppah, 4 children, 2 dogs later I sometimes still feel like that chick walking around asking “are you my marriage?” I wish there was a blueprint or an archetypal couple to consult.
Instead there is communication, there is commitment and there is covenant. If, like with the soul's connection to its Divine source, we cannot or do not want to disconnect, we have to keep returning, re-working, re-entering the covenant. Lord knows its not easy. Seriously, God is no expert in relationships and couldn't even write the book on marriage. So I shouldn't feel so bad that mine isn't perfect, there doesn't seem to be a perfect marriage out there. Anywhere. That's life, as they say. That's a shift in expectations, in the definition of covenant. That's a work in progress, always requiring both partners contribution, even when one of them is God.
Covenant is a commitment, an eternal every day choice to connect and accept the blessings and the responsibilities. Paradise is there for inspiration, not to set us up for failure. We count our days, we count on one another, we count on hope that the scary tractor will bring us safely back home to our nest.
After seven weeks of counting, we celebrate covenant with the gift of Torah on Shavuot. Let's consider it an anniversary, time to reconnect and re-enter the relationship however broken or complete it may be today.
Tonight will be the 46th day of the Omer, 6 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. The last Shabbat of the Omer.
45 - Coming Thru Crisis
I was a late bloomer in many areas- losing teeth, starting menses, losing my virginity- yet I had an early exposure to crisis and the spiritual growth opportunity it brings, for many in a mid-life crisis. I was seventeen when my father suddenly became paralyzed and my family life turned upside-down and inside out, and I was eighteen in therapy when my now exposed family dysfunction and unhealthy ways of self-medicating my wounds brought me to recovery. The old timers called me a babe and were happy to see someone so young already in meetings. For me, the suffering had lasted long enough and my bottom was bottom enough. I got to work on the steps, on myself, and on my relationship with God.
With amazing clarity I remember sitting in Burger King (pre-Starbucks plus a place where I wouldn't see anyone who knew me) with my journal and the Big Book. My task was to reconcile the God of my childhood Hebrew school and synagogue teaching with this strange concept of a Higher Power. I wrote and wrote and wrote and thus began to figure out what I believed, how God moved in my life and how the God of my understanding is also the God of Israel and also quite a different person than the judgmental white bearded male omniscient being associate with Judaism of my childhood. Fortunate for me I simultaneously found my way into college class with a rabbinic expert on the mystical and theological. All at the same time, I found a home in 12 Step and a rich treasure of wisdom in Jewish teaching with my college mentor, Dr./Rabbi/Professor David Blumenthal.
My theological influences were radically non-traditional. After one of my first meetings, a southern baptist woman gracefully offered a few words of God instruction to my tear covered face. While standing with one foot in the car, unsure about the whole Higher Power thing, Joni taught me that God is always there riding in the passenger seat. Still, when I'm wondering where God is in my life, I step into the car and look to my side and ask God to go for a ride. Beyond my advanced beginning into Jewish studies with a Talmud class, I continued with Zohar and Advanced Zohar. Not on the usual course guide, these classes were rare gems in their existence and authenticity, shining with the deep ernest and caring brilliance of my teacher. This primary text of Jewish mystiscm, a mystery to most, was my foundational theological source. Flow of blessing, dynamic movement from polarities to balance, intentional union, the belief that we can change God with our intent and actions – these formed my soul development.
Daily work, daily meetings, step work, journal work, teshuvah and more teshuvah, establishing sacred boundaries. For years and decades now these tools shaped me and helped me survive though it has not been linear. Developing strength prepared me to face more demons, learning to trust I had major disappointments, new challenges leveled me.
Two years ago today I was counting the omer and completed my 32nd week of triplet pregnancy, of which 6 weeks and 5 days had been omer days. My Pregnancy Journal notes I “didn't sleep much last night, watched movie 27 Dresses on pay per view at 3:30 am.” All nights were on the sofa since on the bed I'd get stuck like a turtle on her back (even if I was on my side, with pillows propped everywhere). The ob/gyn estimated Baby A to weigh 4 lbs 5 ounces, Baby B at 2 lbs 8 ounces and C at 3 lbs 5 ounces. (At birth they were only 3 lb 14 oz, 3 lb and 3 lb .5 oz.) My bp was 115/75, I weighed 225 pounds and I had contractions in the taxi. A synagogue friend came over to feed me lunch; a rotating cast of righteous people visited me on bed [sic. sofa] rest daily. I was heavy, getting around my condo in a wheel chair, focused on my goal of counting through the omer, and not feeling particularly spiritual. Survival for my babies and me was the daily challenge, far from soulfully secure or even certain that God was in the picture at all. The tiny ones would arrive via 'emergency' c-section ten days later and it would be some time before I'd ever have a moment to ponder God's presence. Even now, after nearly two years of living with these miracles, sweet souls most certainly guarded by a Higher Power, I wouldn't claim to have a repaired relationship or neat theological statement.
Yes, as commented last night, crisis compels a response. Sometimes people respond with spiritual seeking and openness and deepening, and some swirl deeper into distress. At whatever age one first starts seeking, it is life changing. The flow of blessing as light pierces the darkness and a thin ray of light appears. In each cycle of returning towards oneness, our prayers and open hearts affect union and balance above, which then flows below.
Feeling the absence of God's presence doesn't mean that God isn't present; God goes underground at times. This I learned from studying the Dark Night of the Soul, especially Spiritual Director and author Gerry May's amazing take on it. Even when I forget what I know to be true because I'm at that 7th Level of Tired or when everything feels unfair or when people die, just because I don't feel that special spiritual bliss doesn't mean that the God of my understanding was just a dream. Physical, emotional, financial stress can all place paralyzing pressure on the spinal cord of the soul. What feels like permanent paralysis is a feeling, a nerve reaction, that on the spiritual level cannot impact the integrity of Godliness. Souls have unique and impenetrable characteristics, the collective Source of souls is likewise eternal.
A spiritual program is a full time job. Lessons abound in the 12 Steps, in traditional and mystical texts and teachings, in breath, in yoga, in spiritual writings, in friendship, in love, in children.
Tonight is the 45th night of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
Practice: Put your feet up. Lay on the floor with your feet up the wall. Try placing a folded blanket under your hips so they are raised slightly. This posture involves turning yourself upside-down. Rather than disrupting your life, it is a restorative pose, resting your legs and feet and also allowing your upper body and abdomen to relax into the floor. 5 minutes minimum.
With amazing clarity I remember sitting in Burger King (pre-Starbucks plus a place where I wouldn't see anyone who knew me) with my journal and the Big Book. My task was to reconcile the God of my childhood Hebrew school and synagogue teaching with this strange concept of a Higher Power. I wrote and wrote and wrote and thus began to figure out what I believed, how God moved in my life and how the God of my understanding is also the God of Israel and also quite a different person than the judgmental white bearded male omniscient being associate with Judaism of my childhood. Fortunate for me I simultaneously found my way into college class with a rabbinic expert on the mystical and theological. All at the same time, I found a home in 12 Step and a rich treasure of wisdom in Jewish teaching with my college mentor, Dr./Rabbi/Professor David Blumenthal.
My theological influences were radically non-traditional. After one of my first meetings, a southern baptist woman gracefully offered a few words of God instruction to my tear covered face. While standing with one foot in the car, unsure about the whole Higher Power thing, Joni taught me that God is always there riding in the passenger seat. Still, when I'm wondering where God is in my life, I step into the car and look to my side and ask God to go for a ride. Beyond my advanced beginning into Jewish studies with a Talmud class, I continued with Zohar and Advanced Zohar. Not on the usual course guide, these classes were rare gems in their existence and authenticity, shining with the deep ernest and caring brilliance of my teacher. This primary text of Jewish mystiscm, a mystery to most, was my foundational theological source. Flow of blessing, dynamic movement from polarities to balance, intentional union, the belief that we can change God with our intent and actions – these formed my soul development.
Daily work, daily meetings, step work, journal work, teshuvah and more teshuvah, establishing sacred boundaries. For years and decades now these tools shaped me and helped me survive though it has not been linear. Developing strength prepared me to face more demons, learning to trust I had major disappointments, new challenges leveled me.
Two years ago today I was counting the omer and completed my 32nd week of triplet pregnancy, of which 6 weeks and 5 days had been omer days. My Pregnancy Journal notes I “didn't sleep much last night, watched movie 27 Dresses on pay per view at 3:30 am.” All nights were on the sofa since on the bed I'd get stuck like a turtle on her back (even if I was on my side, with pillows propped everywhere). The ob/gyn estimated Baby A to weigh 4 lbs 5 ounces, Baby B at 2 lbs 8 ounces and C at 3 lbs 5 ounces. (At birth they were only 3 lb 14 oz, 3 lb and 3 lb .5 oz.) My bp was 115/75, I weighed 225 pounds and I had contractions in the taxi. A synagogue friend came over to feed me lunch; a rotating cast of righteous people visited me on bed [sic. sofa] rest daily. I was heavy, getting around my condo in a wheel chair, focused on my goal of counting through the omer, and not feeling particularly spiritual. Survival for my babies and me was the daily challenge, far from soulfully secure or even certain that God was in the picture at all. The tiny ones would arrive via 'emergency' c-section ten days later and it would be some time before I'd ever have a moment to ponder God's presence. Even now, after nearly two years of living with these miracles, sweet souls most certainly guarded by a Higher Power, I wouldn't claim to have a repaired relationship or neat theological statement.
Yes, as commented last night, crisis compels a response. Sometimes people respond with spiritual seeking and openness and deepening, and some swirl deeper into distress. At whatever age one first starts seeking, it is life changing. The flow of blessing as light pierces the darkness and a thin ray of light appears. In each cycle of returning towards oneness, our prayers and open hearts affect union and balance above, which then flows below.
Feeling the absence of God's presence doesn't mean that God isn't present; God goes underground at times. This I learned from studying the Dark Night of the Soul, especially Spiritual Director and author Gerry May's amazing take on it. Even when I forget what I know to be true because I'm at that 7th Level of Tired or when everything feels unfair or when people die, just because I don't feel that special spiritual bliss doesn't mean that the God of my understanding was just a dream. Physical, emotional, financial stress can all place paralyzing pressure on the spinal cord of the soul. What feels like permanent paralysis is a feeling, a nerve reaction, that on the spiritual level cannot impact the integrity of Godliness. Souls have unique and impenetrable characteristics, the collective Source of souls is likewise eternal.
A spiritual program is a full time job. Lessons abound in the 12 Steps, in traditional and mystical texts and teachings, in breath, in yoga, in spiritual writings, in friendship, in love, in children.
Tonight is the 45th night of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
Practice: Put your feet up. Lay on the floor with your feet up the wall. Try placing a folded blanket under your hips so they are raised slightly. This posture involves turning yourself upside-down. Rather than disrupting your life, it is a restorative pose, resting your legs and feet and also allowing your upper body and abdomen to relax into the floor. 5 minutes minimum.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
44 - thirties, forties.
Forced to face the denial that I'm no longer thirty-six, counting the late 30s felt very personal to me; my writing froze. Now in the forties I feel I've aged prematurely. Didn't realize when I started this counting challenge forty-four nights ago that it would bring on a mini mid-life crisis. Are you with me here? We'll be forty-nine next week!
A facebook friend posted that half birthdays aren't as exciting as the real thing and mentioned this as she turned 24 ½. Wouldn't plenty of people be so excited to have another six months of being twenty-four, or at least the care-free young body state that (usually) goes with it? With deeper thought, I realize that my life now is fuller, happier, and wiser. The wear and tear on my body is real, yet the wider lens on life, more authentic soul situation and large love quotient are a somewhat fair trade.
In youth and health the body willingly accompanies us as we do our thing. As we move on in age and stage, physical awareness creeps into every activity as creakiness, injuries and illness increase, stretch marks and frown lines appear. On one hand I'm a mom to young children, trying to adapt when a sitter cancels last minute and my carefully choreographed day becomes “take your triplets to work today” day. On the other hand, I relate to my newly forty friend whose gift to herself is botox between the brows. I have my own self improvement plans for my entree into the forties.
In the realm of omer counting, the increasing numbers stop abruptly. Beyond 49 there is no counting, no Molly Shannon cheer, reprised last week on SNL with Betty White, “I'm fifty, fifty [kick], fifty! [kick, kick]. Instead we get a greater reason to party, the gift of Torah, ageless teaching, the foundation of Jewish wisdom.
Though it sounds swell, receiving a gift is not necessarily simple. Just because it is offered doesn't mean that the recipient is ready to accept the gift. When someone gives you a compliment, do you brush it off with a quick thank you before letting it penetrate your heart. Can you accept an offer of assistance and open your door to help?
In community, we are here for each other in times of need. Could be easier to offer a meal to a grieving family than accepting help with childcare when someone in the family is in the hospital. Might be easier to entertain for Shabbat than entertain the idea that you need strangers to help fold laundry, bring food to you bedside, shop for diapers, etc... Accepting a gift, accepting an apology, accepting assistance, accepting wisdom – all require an accessible heart connection. Getting there takes work, takes preparation – thus the omer counting. With Torah given after forty-nine days, how to readily appreciate the teaching that may guide you to a more meaningful, ethical, connected, spiritual life.
Here Rav Yoga provides tools for opening body, mind and soul to receiving gifts. Standing at Sinai takes a new turn with attention to the physical posture of standing, of standing strong, of standing strong and listening for the still small voice within the stillness.
This Shabbat at Netivot/Pathways Saturdays we will do the physical and spiritual preparation for Shavuot. On Erev Shavuot, families will welcome the holiday with Rav Yoga Yeladim at the Tikkun Lil Shavuot. In the next few days, I will share yoga postures for preparation, for opening, for feeling young again.
Today is the 44th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 2 days of the omer.
A facebook friend posted that half birthdays aren't as exciting as the real thing and mentioned this as she turned 24 ½. Wouldn't plenty of people be so excited to have another six months of being twenty-four, or at least the care-free young body state that (usually) goes with it? With deeper thought, I realize that my life now is fuller, happier, and wiser. The wear and tear on my body is real, yet the wider lens on life, more authentic soul situation and large love quotient are a somewhat fair trade.
In youth and health the body willingly accompanies us as we do our thing. As we move on in age and stage, physical awareness creeps into every activity as creakiness, injuries and illness increase, stretch marks and frown lines appear. On one hand I'm a mom to young children, trying to adapt when a sitter cancels last minute and my carefully choreographed day becomes “take your triplets to work today” day. On the other hand, I relate to my newly forty friend whose gift to herself is botox between the brows. I have my own self improvement plans for my entree into the forties.
In the realm of omer counting, the increasing numbers stop abruptly. Beyond 49 there is no counting, no Molly Shannon cheer, reprised last week on SNL with Betty White, “I'm fifty, fifty [kick], fifty! [kick, kick]. Instead we get a greater reason to party, the gift of Torah, ageless teaching, the foundation of Jewish wisdom.
Though it sounds swell, receiving a gift is not necessarily simple. Just because it is offered doesn't mean that the recipient is ready to accept the gift. When someone gives you a compliment, do you brush it off with a quick thank you before letting it penetrate your heart. Can you accept an offer of assistance and open your door to help?
In community, we are here for each other in times of need. Could be easier to offer a meal to a grieving family than accepting help with childcare when someone in the family is in the hospital. Might be easier to entertain for Shabbat than entertain the idea that you need strangers to help fold laundry, bring food to you bedside, shop for diapers, etc... Accepting a gift, accepting an apology, accepting assistance, accepting wisdom – all require an accessible heart connection. Getting there takes work, takes preparation – thus the omer counting. With Torah given after forty-nine days, how to readily appreciate the teaching that may guide you to a more meaningful, ethical, connected, spiritual life.
Here Rav Yoga provides tools for opening body, mind and soul to receiving gifts. Standing at Sinai takes a new turn with attention to the physical posture of standing, of standing strong, of standing strong and listening for the still small voice within the stillness.
This Shabbat at Netivot/Pathways Saturdays we will do the physical and spiritual preparation for Shavuot. On Erev Shavuot, families will welcome the holiday with Rav Yoga Yeladim at the Tikkun Lil Shavuot. In the next few days, I will share yoga postures for preparation, for opening, for feeling young again.
Today is the 44th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 2 days of the omer.
Friday, May 7, 2010
37, 38, ...
still counting, tonight after Shabbat begins will be the day after 38...
ten days till Shavuot
hoping to post an OOCC essay today, but just in case that's the count!
shabbat shalom!
ten days till Shavuot
hoping to post an OOCC essay today, but just in case that's the count!
shabbat shalom!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
36 - Types of Tired
I kind of became a fan of rock star Bret Michaels from his personality on Celebrity Apprentice, not from his music, couldn't name a Poison song nor identify his sound. I was so sad to hear about his sudden major brain hemorrhage and would feel a loss if he doesn't survive. Just today the a press conference on his condition says that miraculously he is walking and talking again, and expected to fully recover. I hope that he continues bringing his positive message to the world. Really seems like such a good person, and a loving father. Maybe he wins Celebrity Apprentice? And maybe I'd like his music too.
Bret comes across as a good guy and a fun guy, who just wants to help. In one particular challenge he gave great unheeded advice to an upcoming country star. Michaels' admonished the guy not to talk about how tired he is, and that's exactly what this dope did in his televised interview with People magazine. The reporter later commented to the execs that he seemed tired, and Bret's words rang true: no one wants to hear how tired you are. That's part of the job, being on the road, up late, working hard, and it is not the message you should choose to send out to the world. Stick with: I love the music, I'm so happy to be doing this, the fans are great, this performance/album/concert/interview is the best thing in the world and I'm just honored and blessed to be here.
The message is clear: assume that tiredness is a fact of life and choose your message carefully. When someone asks “how are you?” you can start with the first thing that comes to mind (“tired”) or the first thing you want them to know. There is a distinction and we get to make that choice.
Judaism is full of choices; we get to choose from seven levels of tzedakah, seven different types of charitable giving. Maimonides (widely known as Rambam) lists them from the least to most honorable, starting with #1 giving begrudgingly. Read up more on this and you'll notice the seven options do not include refraining from giving tzedakah altogether. There is no choice to refuse giving some of our money to others who need it more. Tzedakah is something we do, maybe (but hopefully not) begrudgingly, ideally honorably, often, and with altruistic desire to help.
Tiredness too is not a choice, it is part and parcel of life. We expend energy and become worn down, we take in energy and perk up again. The efficiency of the cycle depends on quantity and quality of this energy exchange. Pour in nutritious food into a healthy body, use the energy for a run by the lake, business meeting and grocery shopping. Drain every ounce of energy while a loved one is sick, there's no magic food or amount of sleep to feel replenished. Along Rambam's lines of seven different variations, I'm conceptualizing seven types of tired.
Everyone is somewhere on the scale of seven types of tired, as everyone is expected to be somewhere on the ladder of tzedakah. In each case, let us learn from glam rock star and amazing survivor Bret Michaels, no one wants to hear about it. “I'm just so tired” comes off as “I wish I weren't here talking to you, I'm not listening so you're just wasting your time.” Like teacher said, “if you have nothing good to say, don't say it.” While going through my father's important papers I found a yellow legal envelope with important looking notes all over it. In large letters it read “KYMS”. When asked my dad told me that he always jots down these letters on the top of a page for important meetings. It's his reminder to keep his cool and stay on message: “KYMS”= “Keep Your Mouth Shut!” Just in case you don't know me well, know that I'm big on talking and processing and that this lesson is not meant to be insensitive, just instructive about choosing our words and our messages.
To understand the types of tired, know that the ecology of energy exchange requires intake and output. Energy operates on four levels: body (physical), brain (mental), emotional, and spiritual. As the levels of output increase we become drained and cannot refuel fast enough.
The Seven Types of Tired, by Heather Altman (Rabbi, RYT, Morah Derekh, certified in Surgical Preparation, mother of 4 including toddler triplets) progresses from Plain Tired To Total Exhaustion:
1.Plain tired – you maybe should have slept an hour longer, you didn't get a long lunch at work, you're eating sugar. You can still function pretty well, make clear choices, take care of yourself and others.
2.Good tired – you stayed up all night dancing or making love, you had a long, strong workout or physical challenge (gardening, extreme adventure). Your body is exhausted but you are invigorated, the adrenaline and cortisol make up for physical fatigue. (Body)
3.Brain tired – you've been working or studying long hours, engaged in intellectual thought, running numbers, thinking through complex equations or processes (Brain/Mental). You are burnt out mentally but your body is as strong as ever.
4.Body drained – you have had days of ongoing physical labor, long hours, maybe double shifts. You do school by day/work by night or work by day/school at night/family all the time. Or you are running around all day after young children, or up at night caring for them. You are at the limits of your endurance and also grappling with grasping all that you need to do and how to organize it in your mind. You need a break, and hopefully can at least get a Shabbat nap. (Body + Brain)
5.Emotionally drained – your heart is strained. You are in a major transition, dealing with personal issues. Emotional drain comes from both bad and good situations. Moving into a bigger home is good, but the change is emotionally draining. Same with planning a wedding or other celebration. Emotional drain inevitably takes its toll on brain functioning. This too shall pass. (Mind/Brain + Emotion)
6.Insomniac – you can't sleep because your body is chemically prepared for flight or fight, mind is running non-stop, heart is heavy with worry about money or job security or relationship issues. You really need resources for help. (Body + Brain + Emotional)
7.Total exhaustion – Everything else and your spiritual reserves are low, trust is broken, faith is tested. You have sick child in the hospital, so you get no sleep plus mental exhaustion and spiritual depletion. You experienced a personal or global trauma and it knocked you out on all levels. Your body chemistry needs a re-set and the exhaustion splits off your soul connection. Be very careful, seek and accept offers of assistance, be gentle with yourself and patient with your soul. (Body + Brain +Emotions + Soul)
On Celebrity Apprentice, Bret Michaels is trying to avoid The Donald's “you're fired” and his winning advice thus far is never say “I'm tired”. With his Type-1 diabetes, recent emergency appendectomy and subsequent massive brain bleed, his body was almost at its end, so today's news about his status is a miracle. I am certain that his way of meeting the world with positivity contributed greatly to his survival. I have a feeling he will have something to say about his soul's desire to live and his approach to greeting and meeting life. Inspired by an 80s rock star, I hold out hope for refu'ah shleima, a complete healing of soul and of body, for Bret Michaels and for you and your type of tired.
Today is the 36th day of the omer, 5 weeks and 1 day.
practice:
What level of tired are you today? what can you do to restore the ecology of your energy exchange? back to basics - focus on your breath, your relaxation response, nurturing your relationships, support system and soul connections.
Bret comes across as a good guy and a fun guy, who just wants to help. In one particular challenge he gave great unheeded advice to an upcoming country star. Michaels' admonished the guy not to talk about how tired he is, and that's exactly what this dope did in his televised interview with People magazine. The reporter later commented to the execs that he seemed tired, and Bret's words rang true: no one wants to hear how tired you are. That's part of the job, being on the road, up late, working hard, and it is not the message you should choose to send out to the world. Stick with: I love the music, I'm so happy to be doing this, the fans are great, this performance/album/concert/interview is the best thing in the world and I'm just honored and blessed to be here.
The message is clear: assume that tiredness is a fact of life and choose your message carefully. When someone asks “how are you?” you can start with the first thing that comes to mind (“tired”) or the first thing you want them to know. There is a distinction and we get to make that choice.
Judaism is full of choices; we get to choose from seven levels of tzedakah, seven different types of charitable giving. Maimonides (widely known as Rambam) lists them from the least to most honorable, starting with #1 giving begrudgingly. Read up more on this and you'll notice the seven options do not include refraining from giving tzedakah altogether. There is no choice to refuse giving some of our money to others who need it more. Tzedakah is something we do, maybe (but hopefully not) begrudgingly, ideally honorably, often, and with altruistic desire to help.
Tiredness too is not a choice, it is part and parcel of life. We expend energy and become worn down, we take in energy and perk up again. The efficiency of the cycle depends on quantity and quality of this energy exchange. Pour in nutritious food into a healthy body, use the energy for a run by the lake, business meeting and grocery shopping. Drain every ounce of energy while a loved one is sick, there's no magic food or amount of sleep to feel replenished. Along Rambam's lines of seven different variations, I'm conceptualizing seven types of tired.
Everyone is somewhere on the scale of seven types of tired, as everyone is expected to be somewhere on the ladder of tzedakah. In each case, let us learn from glam rock star and amazing survivor Bret Michaels, no one wants to hear about it. “I'm just so tired” comes off as “I wish I weren't here talking to you, I'm not listening so you're just wasting your time.” Like teacher said, “if you have nothing good to say, don't say it.” While going through my father's important papers I found a yellow legal envelope with important looking notes all over it. In large letters it read “KYMS”. When asked my dad told me that he always jots down these letters on the top of a page for important meetings. It's his reminder to keep his cool and stay on message: “KYMS”= “Keep Your Mouth Shut!” Just in case you don't know me well, know that I'm big on talking and processing and that this lesson is not meant to be insensitive, just instructive about choosing our words and our messages.
To understand the types of tired, know that the ecology of energy exchange requires intake and output. Energy operates on four levels: body (physical), brain (mental), emotional, and spiritual. As the levels of output increase we become drained and cannot refuel fast enough.
The Seven Types of Tired, by Heather Altman (Rabbi, RYT, Morah Derekh, certified in Surgical Preparation, mother of 4 including toddler triplets) progresses from Plain Tired To Total Exhaustion:
1.Plain tired – you maybe should have slept an hour longer, you didn't get a long lunch at work, you're eating sugar. You can still function pretty well, make clear choices, take care of yourself and others.
2.Good tired – you stayed up all night dancing or making love, you had a long, strong workout or physical challenge (gardening, extreme adventure). Your body is exhausted but you are invigorated, the adrenaline and cortisol make up for physical fatigue. (Body)
3.Brain tired – you've been working or studying long hours, engaged in intellectual thought, running numbers, thinking through complex equations or processes (Brain/Mental). You are burnt out mentally but your body is as strong as ever.
4.Body drained – you have had days of ongoing physical labor, long hours, maybe double shifts. You do school by day/work by night or work by day/school at night/family all the time. Or you are running around all day after young children, or up at night caring for them. You are at the limits of your endurance and also grappling with grasping all that you need to do and how to organize it in your mind. You need a break, and hopefully can at least get a Shabbat nap. (Body + Brain)
5.Emotionally drained – your heart is strained. You are in a major transition, dealing with personal issues. Emotional drain comes from both bad and good situations. Moving into a bigger home is good, but the change is emotionally draining. Same with planning a wedding or other celebration. Emotional drain inevitably takes its toll on brain functioning. This too shall pass. (Mind/Brain + Emotion)
6.Insomniac – you can't sleep because your body is chemically prepared for flight or fight, mind is running non-stop, heart is heavy with worry about money or job security or relationship issues. You really need resources for help. (Body + Brain + Emotional)
7.Total exhaustion – Everything else and your spiritual reserves are low, trust is broken, faith is tested. You have sick child in the hospital, so you get no sleep plus mental exhaustion and spiritual depletion. You experienced a personal or global trauma and it knocked you out on all levels. Your body chemistry needs a re-set and the exhaustion splits off your soul connection. Be very careful, seek and accept offers of assistance, be gentle with yourself and patient with your soul. (Body + Brain +Emotions + Soul)
On Celebrity Apprentice, Bret Michaels is trying to avoid The Donald's “you're fired” and his winning advice thus far is never say “I'm tired”. With his Type-1 diabetes, recent emergency appendectomy and subsequent massive brain bleed, his body was almost at its end, so today's news about his status is a miracle. I am certain that his way of meeting the world with positivity contributed greatly to his survival. I have a feeling he will have something to say about his soul's desire to live and his approach to greeting and meeting life. Inspired by an 80s rock star, I hold out hope for refu'ah shleima, a complete healing of soul and of body, for Bret Michaels and for you and your type of tired.
Today is the 36th day of the omer, 5 weeks and 1 day.
practice:
What level of tired are you today? what can you do to restore the ecology of your energy exchange? back to basics - focus on your breath, your relaxation response, nurturing your relationships, support system and soul connections.
Monday, May 3, 2010
35 - Big Birthday
Feel like a birthday girl today wearing my mothers' day gift to myself from last year, because it just arrived today. Took me a while to go ahead and order it, part procrastination part indecision. My OOCC practice helped me become ready to order my cute mommy jewelry. As the transition from full time parenting to full time professional work procedes with the weeks of the omer I can wear their names around my neck rather than their bodies wrapped around mine.
35 is a big birthday, this omer day gives me occasion to catch up on the theme for an omer essay day incomplete -28. 28 is my birthday number, the day of the month on which I was born. A good number, and the age that I pretend I'll keep repeating. I've always felt that numbers have personalities and colors that go with them. Two and eight together have such a nice feel, adding up to ten feels quite whole. And the corresponding color is bright, with a sunshine yellow quality.
Grown ups only call ourselves birthday boy or girl when we're not feeling old. When the days of annual parties are over, birthday celebrations – and sentiments – change. For my last birthday I used the excuse to treat my friends to manis and pedis, preceded by sushi. My excitement went into gifts of amazing chocolate bars I gave them as goody bags. My present was getting to spend the night with them, introducing special people to one another, and enjoying quiet, quality time. That winter night I counted; the six women present produced nineteen children total. Not accustomed to quiet time, we all reveled in the massaging chairs, and the pampering too.
Now I am planning another birthday party, one with bubbles and balls and bagels and lots of noise. In June my little ladies will turn two. Still they don't even understand the meaning of birthday and they're too young to get all excited with anticipation. We get to celebrate them and their life and recall when they were born and all the excitement and cuteness they bring. Last year at their first birthday party I had big fun celebrating a year of survival. I anticipate this year feeling a similar sense of accomplishment. As their second birthday approaches, the girls know how to have fun. They smile so much and giggle with delight. They dance and scream and hold hands and give hugs. My dad is working on teaching them to say “one, two”.
For everyone 49 and under, there's a day of the Omer that corresponds with our age. I wonder what the spiritual message is in that. Perhaps the counting takes us through the first forty-nine of our lives and indicates that fifty is a year of revelation. After fifty the challenge is just remembering the early years. Ironially it seems that long term memory improves with age, when we see the timeline of our life and appreciate each day, each birth, each birthday even more.
Received some tragic news yesterday and I can't help but think of those who died young and never made it to that year. When their birth dates arrive how can we celebrate for them? In their honor? My FP sisters (maybe I'll explain later) write email birthday blessings that say “I'm so glad you were born.” That's what I wanted to say to my friends on my birthday and theirs, maybe that's what we say when remembering too. Maybe the count to 49 points us to value these early (and mid) years. I look at my children and in each moment feel joy in their lives; everyone should have someone in their life or memory who loves us in that parent-child way. Knowing that we are loved as gifts of joy counts for so much.
Today we count 35 days of the omer, which is 5 weeks of the Omer.
Practice: What does your 35th birthday mean to you? Consider life before 35 and life after. How do you celebrate your life?
35 is a big birthday, this omer day gives me occasion to catch up on the theme for an omer essay day incomplete -28. 28 is my birthday number, the day of the month on which I was born. A good number, and the age that I pretend I'll keep repeating. I've always felt that numbers have personalities and colors that go with them. Two and eight together have such a nice feel, adding up to ten feels quite whole. And the corresponding color is bright, with a sunshine yellow quality.
Grown ups only call ourselves birthday boy or girl when we're not feeling old. When the days of annual parties are over, birthday celebrations – and sentiments – change. For my last birthday I used the excuse to treat my friends to manis and pedis, preceded by sushi. My excitement went into gifts of amazing chocolate bars I gave them as goody bags. My present was getting to spend the night with them, introducing special people to one another, and enjoying quiet, quality time. That winter night I counted; the six women present produced nineteen children total. Not accustomed to quiet time, we all reveled in the massaging chairs, and the pampering too.
Now I am planning another birthday party, one with bubbles and balls and bagels and lots of noise. In June my little ladies will turn two. Still they don't even understand the meaning of birthday and they're too young to get all excited with anticipation. We get to celebrate them and their life and recall when they were born and all the excitement and cuteness they bring. Last year at their first birthday party I had big fun celebrating a year of survival. I anticipate this year feeling a similar sense of accomplishment. As their second birthday approaches, the girls know how to have fun. They smile so much and giggle with delight. They dance and scream and hold hands and give hugs. My dad is working on teaching them to say “one, two”.
For everyone 49 and under, there's a day of the Omer that corresponds with our age. I wonder what the spiritual message is in that. Perhaps the counting takes us through the first forty-nine of our lives and indicates that fifty is a year of revelation. After fifty the challenge is just remembering the early years. Ironially it seems that long term memory improves with age, when we see the timeline of our life and appreciate each day, each birth, each birthday even more.
Received some tragic news yesterday and I can't help but think of those who died young and never made it to that year. When their birth dates arrive how can we celebrate for them? In their honor? My FP sisters (maybe I'll explain later) write email birthday blessings that say “I'm so glad you were born.” That's what I wanted to say to my friends on my birthday and theirs, maybe that's what we say when remembering too. Maybe the count to 49 points us to value these early (and mid) years. I look at my children and in each moment feel joy in their lives; everyone should have someone in their life or memory who loves us in that parent-child way. Knowing that we are loved as gifts of joy counts for so much.
Today we count 35 days of the omer, which is 5 weeks of the Omer.
Practice: What does your 35th birthday mean to you? Consider life before 35 and life after. How do you celebrate your life?
34 No Knot Days (for Sara)
With a definite bias towards partnering people up in marriage, it is a bit strange that Judaism has black out days for weddings. Yep, we do. Basically the first thirty-three days of the Omer are no knot days, though they're not the only ones throughout the year. Biblically these days were the path from exodus from Egypt to revelation at Mt. Sinai, a trying trek marked by uncertainty and fear. Later history layered on mourning for 24,000 Torah students of Rabbi Akiva and another host of historical trauma. The 33rd day marked a change for the better and became an Israeli bonfire BBQ celebration called Lag B'Omer (the alpha-numerics for 33 is lamed (L=30) gimel(G=3), abbreviated as “Lag”). With exceptions, many Jewish communities permit weddings only on and after Lag B'Omer. A lenient ruling completes the mourning observances after Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day) prior to Lag B'Omer; still, some restrict the entire seven weeks.
The funeral procession always stops for a simcha. We never ignore joyous occasions to sit in our sorrow. When a simcha has been scheduled and a tragedy happens we don't delay the wedding, though we modify the form of celebration. From the start though, wedding planning considers cyclical times of mourning and we prevent schedule conflicts. The joy should be as pure as possible.
Weddings are supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. That's what the bridal business sells us. The emotions are much more complex and logistically it is not a carefree day. Having officiated at many weddings I know that sadness often makes its appearance at some point on the wedding day. Lots of brides and grooms stand under the chuppah without the parents and grandparents they always imagined would be there. So that sadness doesn't overwhelm, we separate the calendar date away from mourning periods and we create a space outside of the chuppah to remember the love and hopes and dreams of the parents who died before their child's wedding day. Pre-wedding rituals can be designed to draw up the love and soul connection so all the blessings of love and beautiful memories brighten the day.
There's an element of loss in every new beginning so that's not enough excuse to inhibit weddings; more than the mourning, the emotional quality of omer is instability. Wandering in the wilderness, looking backwards at the familiar landscape of suffering, dealing with major trust issues – these are not appropriate activities for entering a covenant. The midrash tells that God had to hold the mountain over our ancestors' heads until they agreed to accept the Torah. Until they got to Sinai they were not ready to create that covenant with God. Couples create a loving covenant of marriage under the chuppah, and the choice to enter must be clear. This is a moment of arrival, of acceptance and of faith which can only occur after revelation. The bright light of blessing illuminates clarity, certainty and commitment – necessary companions to love.
The Baal Shem Tov said:From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.
The seven weeks of the omer are a spiritual practice of preparation, a powerful tool towards transformation. At the end, each individual alone stands at Sinai to be initiated into the community of Israel, to be blessed by the stream of divine light. Open to receiving instruction and direction and illumination from the Source of all blessing, we pray that our choices create closeness in relationship with our beloved, with our families, with our friends. Seven cycles of seven, the fullness of full, wholeness of the whole, light joining light. Be'sha'ah tova, this is the hour of goodness!
Today is the 34th day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 6 days. Let the wedding season begin - mazal tov!
The funeral procession always stops for a simcha. We never ignore joyous occasions to sit in our sorrow. When a simcha has been scheduled and a tragedy happens we don't delay the wedding, though we modify the form of celebration. From the start though, wedding planning considers cyclical times of mourning and we prevent schedule conflicts. The joy should be as pure as possible.
Weddings are supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. That's what the bridal business sells us. The emotions are much more complex and logistically it is not a carefree day. Having officiated at many weddings I know that sadness often makes its appearance at some point on the wedding day. Lots of brides and grooms stand under the chuppah without the parents and grandparents they always imagined would be there. So that sadness doesn't overwhelm, we separate the calendar date away from mourning periods and we create a space outside of the chuppah to remember the love and hopes and dreams of the parents who died before their child's wedding day. Pre-wedding rituals can be designed to draw up the love and soul connection so all the blessings of love and beautiful memories brighten the day.
There's an element of loss in every new beginning so that's not enough excuse to inhibit weddings; more than the mourning, the emotional quality of omer is instability. Wandering in the wilderness, looking backwards at the familiar landscape of suffering, dealing with major trust issues – these are not appropriate activities for entering a covenant. The midrash tells that God had to hold the mountain over our ancestors' heads until they agreed to accept the Torah. Until they got to Sinai they were not ready to create that covenant with God. Couples create a loving covenant of marriage under the chuppah, and the choice to enter must be clear. This is a moment of arrival, of acceptance and of faith which can only occur after revelation. The bright light of blessing illuminates clarity, certainty and commitment – necessary companions to love.
The Baal Shem Tov said:From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.
The seven weeks of the omer are a spiritual practice of preparation, a powerful tool towards transformation. At the end, each individual alone stands at Sinai to be initiated into the community of Israel, to be blessed by the stream of divine light. Open to receiving instruction and direction and illumination from the Source of all blessing, we pray that our choices create closeness in relationship with our beloved, with our families, with our friends. Seven cycles of seven, the fullness of full, wholeness of the whole, light joining light. Be'sha'ah tova, this is the hour of goodness!
Today is the 34th day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 6 days. Let the wedding season begin - mazal tov!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
33 -Sex Change Goddess
SEX
In the early stages of a relationship we would never imagine that our passionate sex life will one day be barely there. Our passion is so strong, our sex life is so good, our intimacy is a central part of our identity as a couple in love. Despite our deep seated belief that we will be different than those who trade in the bonfire for a pilot light, it is a fact of later stage love (and aging/changing bodies) that frequency of sex fades.
When I told a close friend that I was going to write a book, he assumed if it would be a book of erotica. Shocking, hopefully, for most readers, but when I told another close personal confidant about this supposition I got this matter-of-fact reaction: “of course, that's what anyone who knows you would say.” Sex is a favorite topic of mine, and I enjoy sharing and hearing details. For a while, I was the one who fed juicy stories to my friends. That well dried up when I got married. As fitting the sanctity of marriage, I set boundaries on blabbing. Never appropriate for the professional persona, I discern between wanton voyeurism and all important education, honesty and openness. Sexuality is human, a universal life theme. I strongly maintain that sex is sacred, even when it is sad or bad or kinky or gay or short or solo. [Sex is not sacred when it is scary, coerced and abusive.]
CHANGE
The truth is that kids change everything. It is a platitude, I know, but it is the truth. In my case, my marriage never existed without kids. I dated a daddy-daughter combo; immediately we were a not-yet family unit. Once we were all living together we discovered her hidden talent – sex radar. The second that we started kissing, she would cry out from her room awake. Sex-dar! - not for sale. The only ever blessing of the every other weekend custody arrangement was those early relationship weekends in bed without the sex alarm sounding. Life re-arranged, now in my perfect world all of our children would always be under our roof, ready to climb into bed for morning tickles.
Clearly with children it is not only how our bodies change, though that is a key point. My pregnancy was far from typical if there is such a thing. Speaking generally, pregnancy changes every cell of the body. Nothing is spared. Hormones are powerful drugs and growing another being inside your body is radical (not to mention growing three babies at once!). Delivery brings other changes, both typers -vaginal and cesarean. I wouldn't doubt if adoptive mothers and mothers by surrogacy have their own experience of physical changes when they become mothers. Mothering, all parenting, is an extreme sport.
When I say everything changes, I mean everything. Nerve ending rearrange themselves, breasts change colors and sizes, muscles tighten that are supposed to loosen and loosen that are supposed to tighten. Taste buds transform, nourishment triggers vomiting, vegetarians crave meat. Bodies with perpetually cold fingers, nose and toes can suddenly heat an entire house. Emotions become exagerated, sensitivities super-size.
I didn't always recognize myself. I don't recognize myself in women who say they went through pregnancy with no changes at all in lifestyle, then gave away their maternity jeans the day after delivery, God bless them. One day, or night, or afternoon- months after giving birth, I attempted to have sex. That's when I realized that my clitoris had moved. Yes, my anatomy was rearranged! Quite disturbing to discover my body had become completely alien. Moments like those, its so nice to be so sleep deprived with three babies needing your boobs for sustenance. Nature's way of compensating. No time or energy to ponder the freak show that is me in the moment.
GODDESS*
Yet another part of the owner's manual for women's body that they didn't give to us in middle school sex ed. Think of the bump you get from walking into a wall and imagine the swelling you'd have if a head burst through your groin. Ah, yes, the birth canal, that is not a separate accessory loaned to you for the event, it is your very own one and only vagina. Stretched beyond her limit, engorged with blood flow, she swells beyond recognition to bring forth new life.
I saw a Goddess in my first sight of a woman naked and swollen after child birth. A sight before unseen by me, this was surely the body of God. Yes, creation is an act of godliness and childbirth is an act of Goddessness. The Goddess body surely but slowly (days, months, years) morphs back into a semblance of the pre-mother woman, with the woman always retaining the primordial woman Goddessness. “God was in this place, and I did not know.” Every physical sensation is a source for spiritual awareness, every body breathes soul, every moment we hold the holy in our hands. The rawness of it, also found in sex, and the sweetness of it, also found in sensuality, are not exclusive to this experience.
The point is that passion is divine. Physical fire fuels the entry level of soul work. The intense heat is a furnace of spiritual refinement. It was hot in that desert while we walked and sweated to the oldies. Hard work building and shlepping the tabernacle. The sun so hot it baked matzoh on our backs as we fled slavery for the promise of freedom, with each step getting closer to the light of revelation. Accessing your passion, your heat, your light, your fire is your own dance of freedom. Feel the fire that fuels you, let yourself get sticky and sweaty from the heat, enjoy the fun all for the sake of finding the Goddess within.
Today is the 33rd day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 5 days. Today is the celebration of Lag B'Omer, marked by bonfires and wild celebration. Fire and freedom, divine purpose and passion .
Practice:
-Get those inner fires burning. Dance until you drip from sweat – alone in your home, with a friend, lover or child. Or take your dancing out to a community Lag B'Omer celebration. An alternate physical practice is a yoga practice focusing on the lower abs.
Consider a burning ritual. If there were a safe bonfire for you, what items would you offer up? You can set your intention for letting go and moving towards freedom (burn that letter from your ex) or for celebrating your passionate dreams (burn a letter to yourself or to God that describes the person you aspire to be, your big dreams. Write as if, i.e. “I am happy, joyous and free”, “I am successful in business and in love with my wife.”)
*Please note that my use of Goddess here illuminates the female face of God and does not mean that I believe in anything but One Unified God. Questions welcome as always.
In the early stages of a relationship we would never imagine that our passionate sex life will one day be barely there. Our passion is so strong, our sex life is so good, our intimacy is a central part of our identity as a couple in love. Despite our deep seated belief that we will be different than those who trade in the bonfire for a pilot light, it is a fact of later stage love (and aging/changing bodies) that frequency of sex fades.
When I told a close friend that I was going to write a book, he assumed if it would be a book of erotica. Shocking, hopefully, for most readers, but when I told another close personal confidant about this supposition I got this matter-of-fact reaction: “of course, that's what anyone who knows you would say.” Sex is a favorite topic of mine, and I enjoy sharing and hearing details. For a while, I was the one who fed juicy stories to my friends. That well dried up when I got married. As fitting the sanctity of marriage, I set boundaries on blabbing. Never appropriate for the professional persona, I discern between wanton voyeurism and all important education, honesty and openness. Sexuality is human, a universal life theme. I strongly maintain that sex is sacred, even when it is sad or bad or kinky or gay or short or solo. [Sex is not sacred when it is scary, coerced and abusive.]
CHANGE
The truth is that kids change everything. It is a platitude, I know, but it is the truth. In my case, my marriage never existed without kids. I dated a daddy-daughter combo; immediately we were a not-yet family unit. Once we were all living together we discovered her hidden talent – sex radar. The second that we started kissing, she would cry out from her room awake. Sex-dar! - not for sale. The only ever blessing of the every other weekend custody arrangement was those early relationship weekends in bed without the sex alarm sounding. Life re-arranged, now in my perfect world all of our children would always be under our roof, ready to climb into bed for morning tickles.
Clearly with children it is not only how our bodies change, though that is a key point. My pregnancy was far from typical if there is such a thing. Speaking generally, pregnancy changes every cell of the body. Nothing is spared. Hormones are powerful drugs and growing another being inside your body is radical (not to mention growing three babies at once!). Delivery brings other changes, both typers -vaginal and cesarean. I wouldn't doubt if adoptive mothers and mothers by surrogacy have their own experience of physical changes when they become mothers. Mothering, all parenting, is an extreme sport.
When I say everything changes, I mean everything. Nerve ending rearrange themselves, breasts change colors and sizes, muscles tighten that are supposed to loosen and loosen that are supposed to tighten. Taste buds transform, nourishment triggers vomiting, vegetarians crave meat. Bodies with perpetually cold fingers, nose and toes can suddenly heat an entire house. Emotions become exagerated, sensitivities super-size.
I didn't always recognize myself. I don't recognize myself in women who say they went through pregnancy with no changes at all in lifestyle, then gave away their maternity jeans the day after delivery, God bless them. One day, or night, or afternoon- months after giving birth, I attempted to have sex. That's when I realized that my clitoris had moved. Yes, my anatomy was rearranged! Quite disturbing to discover my body had become completely alien. Moments like those, its so nice to be so sleep deprived with three babies needing your boobs for sustenance. Nature's way of compensating. No time or energy to ponder the freak show that is me in the moment.
GODDESS*
Yet another part of the owner's manual for women's body that they didn't give to us in middle school sex ed. Think of the bump you get from walking into a wall and imagine the swelling you'd have if a head burst through your groin. Ah, yes, the birth canal, that is not a separate accessory loaned to you for the event, it is your very own one and only vagina. Stretched beyond her limit, engorged with blood flow, she swells beyond recognition to bring forth new life.
I saw a Goddess in my first sight of a woman naked and swollen after child birth. A sight before unseen by me, this was surely the body of God. Yes, creation is an act of godliness and childbirth is an act of Goddessness. The Goddess body surely but slowly (days, months, years) morphs back into a semblance of the pre-mother woman, with the woman always retaining the primordial woman Goddessness. “God was in this place, and I did not know.” Every physical sensation is a source for spiritual awareness, every body breathes soul, every moment we hold the holy in our hands. The rawness of it, also found in sex, and the sweetness of it, also found in sensuality, are not exclusive to this experience.
The point is that passion is divine. Physical fire fuels the entry level of soul work. The intense heat is a furnace of spiritual refinement. It was hot in that desert while we walked and sweated to the oldies. Hard work building and shlepping the tabernacle. The sun so hot it baked matzoh on our backs as we fled slavery for the promise of freedom, with each step getting closer to the light of revelation. Accessing your passion, your heat, your light, your fire is your own dance of freedom. Feel the fire that fuels you, let yourself get sticky and sweaty from the heat, enjoy the fun all for the sake of finding the Goddess within.
Today is the 33rd day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 5 days. Today is the celebration of Lag B'Omer, marked by bonfires and wild celebration. Fire and freedom, divine purpose and passion .
Practice:
-Get those inner fires burning. Dance until you drip from sweat – alone in your home, with a friend, lover or child. Or take your dancing out to a community Lag B'Omer celebration. An alternate physical practice is a yoga practice focusing on the lower abs.
Consider a burning ritual. If there were a safe bonfire for you, what items would you offer up? You can set your intention for letting go and moving towards freedom (burn that letter from your ex) or for celebrating your passionate dreams (burn a letter to yourself or to God that describes the person you aspire to be, your big dreams. Write as if, i.e. “I am happy, joyous and free”, “I am successful in business and in love with my wife.”)
*Please note that my use of Goddess here illuminates the female face of God and does not mean that I believe in anything but One Unified God. Questions welcome as always.
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