Body warming into that deep state of relaxation, tummy-to-tummy, milk sippy resting on my chest, baby making those sweet suckling noises, I was in bliss. For just a moment, when my nearly two year old youngest settled into position on my lap, I looked down and it was almost if she was nursing at my breast.
And then I started melting, body simulating the hormone cocktail of oxytocin and prolactin I hadn't enjoyed since those days when I was actually breastfeeding and pumping for my triplets. Yes, I remembered, I produced mother's milk for three babies at once.
Those maternity nurses thought I was crazy to insist that they bring me the pump right when I returned from the OR, or that I set an alarm to wake me for pumping every few hours. They thought it a bad idea that I go visit my new babies in the middle of that first night after only several hours of sleep, to hand deliver precious drops of colustrum. Forget about the silver spoon, I was giving my girls liquid gold.
For three weeks in the Neotatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) my preemie triplets got breastmilk for every feeding. There sometimes was formula mixed in to compensate as my production caught up to demand, but for the most part I was providing their sustenance. At first they needed feeding tubes, but I was determined to breast feed, and they started to get the hang of it before they left the hospital to come home. That was still a month before their due date.
Once home, I nursed all three and as you might imagine I turned from incubator to milk producer. Alternating who got the left and who got the right, and who got to tandem nurse and who got me all to herself, and pumping after each feeding, it was the most special, amazing intriguing process. Incredibly important to me to nurse my children, those early months were all about the boobs. I was determined and knew it was possible, and this was one thing that I would not add to my list of mothering losses. My expectation, my normal. That my body did this extraordinary job of giving life to three babies at once and nourishing them for months doesn't cross my mind as I go through life -- ever.
Earlier today, a friend sent me an admiring note of appreciation, and in my mind I immediately started denying her affirmation of my roles. She wrote “You are an amazing -----, -----, ----, mother, -------, -----.” My immediate reaction was to list the many reasons why I am not that. At least I didn't let myself go there. But I could, and I don't even want to elaborate for the shame of it all. I could take each of the roles she complimented and start on how I am failing, where I am vulnerable, that I am imperfect. Easier to deny than to accept and absorb this gift. Oddly enough it is respect that I have for my friend, that graced me with the awareness that I had to return to her note, her truth, and let it sink in for real.
That one moment that took me back to the nursing days allowed me to accept that maybe I am an amazing mother. My goodness, I nursed three babies at once. A pretty amazing feat and in of itself, that should count for something! Triplet nursing should give me a lifetime membership to the awesome mom club, don't you think?
The Omer is ending, today is the last day. Today is the 49th day of the Omer, which is 7 weeks! The counting is complete and yet there is not closure. Only when the day ends will the entire period be over. We still have hours and hours now to count for the continuation of the Omer. Not sure how to check in as those hours progress, as we seamlessly transition into Shavuot, when the holiday ends or beyond.
The OOCC met its goal of creating an online omer counting community, and I am grateful for your comments and emails that signaled that you are out there sharing this counting experience. I could dwell on the few days I missed, the unanswered questions I raised, the bad mommy moments. Instead I lift up today as a day for recognizing and celebrating our accomplishments. Revelation is to come, that will illuminate the brilliance of our souls, the divine qualities that shine within and from us.
what can you celebrate? what accomplishments do you deny or downplay?
what truths, qualities, talents are in your spiritual DNA? If a divine light could illuminate your gifts, what would shine from you? Who in your live is a mirror for your light and for whom do you mirror the spark of God within? how will your Shavuot (Tues pm thru Thurs pm) include practices of light and acceptance of your reality and truth, the gifts and divine mystery in your life?
Monday, May 17, 2010
48 -simple for now
Today is the 48th day of the Omer, 6 weeks and 6 days of the Omer. Only one more night of counting. then what?
Two years ago on this day I invited a 6 year old to sleep over with our 6 year old.
I drank lemonade and felt the babies respond to the sugar. I was three days away from labor.
Now, like then, I have a jumble of ideas and feelings in my head and body. Approaching this goal date feeling quite vulnerable.
Needed to count this night now, while hoping to come back tomorrow to dedicate more thought to this day.
Two years ago on this day I invited a 6 year old to sleep over with our 6 year old.
I drank lemonade and felt the babies respond to the sugar. I was three days away from labor.
Now, like then, I have a jumble of ideas and feelings in my head and body. Approaching this goal date feeling quite vulnerable.
Needed to count this night now, while hoping to come back tomorrow to dedicate more thought to this day.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
47 - Counting/Story
There's a direct connection between counting, taking account, then recounting the story. The Hebrew words for counting and story are the same; save some vowels the three letter root (SPR) is identical. L'saper is “to count”; l'seepoor is “to tell a story”. That's what this whole OOCC thing has been about, counting the days of the omer, taking account of daily developments and illustrating conclusions and connections with stories.
Another level of word play connects counting with God. Sefira, the word for counting, is also the word used in Kabbalah for divine personality attributes. Both above, in the Divine realm, and below, in the earthly human realm, these emanations enumerate ten. Layered over an image of the body, the sefirot illustrate connections between the physical and the spiritual. Multiple pathways lead between all combinations of the sefirot (plural for sefira) and the entire Alef-Bet labels the paths. In the visual image of the system, one can imagine movement on the paths - the letters forming words forming phrases that unfold into written stories, spoken too.
While I have been paying attention and hoping for some end of counting revelation, the truth is that each day of counting brings its own merit. Finding words to match feelings, stories to illustrate belief, and the ability to hit “publish” is demonstration that a light is on inside. Each day a chapter of the omer book, together they may have a unified theme or may be a collection. We're not quite at the end yet, conclusions are premature. A reminder to count each day as a whole, to be present for the glimmers and flashes.
With 2 days left of the omer, I'm taking requests for topics and hope you'll post them as a comment. ....And next week we'll see what comes, and how we'll continue making life count after this project culminates.
Today is the 47th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Another level of word play connects counting with God. Sefira, the word for counting, is also the word used in Kabbalah for divine personality attributes. Both above, in the Divine realm, and below, in the earthly human realm, these emanations enumerate ten. Layered over an image of the body, the sefirot illustrate connections between the physical and the spiritual. Multiple pathways lead between all combinations of the sefirot (plural for sefira) and the entire Alef-Bet labels the paths. In the visual image of the system, one can imagine movement on the paths - the letters forming words forming phrases that unfold into written stories, spoken too.
While I have been paying attention and hoping for some end of counting revelation, the truth is that each day of counting brings its own merit. Finding words to match feelings, stories to illustrate belief, and the ability to hit “publish” is demonstration that a light is on inside. Each day a chapter of the omer book, together they may have a unified theme or may be a collection. We're not quite at the end yet, conclusions are premature. A reminder to count each day as a whole, to be present for the glimmers and flashes.
With 2 days left of the omer, I'm taking requests for topics and hope you'll post them as a comment. ....And next week we'll see what comes, and how we'll continue making life count after this project culminates.
Today is the 47th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Friday, May 14, 2010
46 - Baby Bird
When I was in high school there was the cool mom who gushed about her husband and told us that she married her best friend and they still have the best sex in the world for ever and ever, she was the luckiest girl on earth to have this awesome marriage, vibrant, sensual, satisfying - just look at her and her amazing best friend-husband and the smile on her face and glow on her skin. Years later I heard that she got divorced and my one example of a happy marriage was dissolved.
In college I met an older-than-me distinguished type married couple who whose relationship was based on other than sex and passion. I respected it but totally didn't get it. Didn't want that for myself, I wanted sparks with the friendship and sharing stories and housework and fantasies and love and the kind of lovemaking I imagined would go with all that.
Living in Israel for a year between college and rabbinical school, I became close with a classmate and came to admire her partnership. Finally, I thought I found a loving relationship set in sacredness. I watched them bless each other on Shabbat and wanted that for myself. I observed the calm and respectful way they related, and the deep affection they portrayed. They too have since separated.
I feel like the little chick in Are You My Mother? walking through the world looking for my true model for marriage. Just like the baby bird, I've probably walked right by it, because I don't know what it looks like. Are you my marriage? No, I am the unhappy version your parents endured for 30 years, you do not want me to be your marriage. Are you my marriage? No, you are a bag of secrets and cheating, looks sexy but lacks substance. Are you my marriage? No, you are platonic, stable but dry. Are you my marriage? No, I am a romanticized television version of one, just made up to mess with your expectations, I cannot be your marriage. Are you my marriage? No, I am a lesbian couple, Venus and Venus no Martians in here, I cannot be your marriage.
Even God of the Jewish Bible borrows marriage as the metaphor for the covenant between God and the Jewish people, and that relationship endures drama, betrayal, abandonment and exile. An exception, The Song of Songs portrays the idyllic lovers in the garden with poetry and song, affection and delight. If only we could all stay and play in paradise all day! Not even the Divine marriage is blissful when the partners step out into the real world of stress and temptation. Sure, this covenant is binding and in theory we don't have the choice to walk away. But separation through exile still persists so I still seek the model for reconciliation within the covenant, within marriage.
Baby Bird thought the tractor was his mother until it became scary and lifted him up, up, up off the ground. Oh no! I thought this was my marriage but it is not where I want to be, exclaimed this little chick many years ago.
Oh no! I want my mother, I need my moooothhhhherrrrr, baby bird screamed as the tractor was taking him far, far away. This really is not my marriage, and it is over, I realized way back when in a moment of acceptance.
Please put me down, baby bird cried as the tractor was placing him back in the nest in the tree. I followed my inner knowing through trembles and tremors and got through my divorce. And soon, baby bird was back safe at home. And the little chick flew the coop and found her way back to a new tree top nest, a sweet lake view condo paradise. And it was good, very very good.
I've heard that “remarriage is the victory of hope over experience.” (if you know the original source, please share.) This covenant idea that permeates my Jewish life is so persistant that hope returned eventually. Another chuppah, 4 children, 2 dogs later I sometimes still feel like that chick walking around asking “are you my marriage?” I wish there was a blueprint or an archetypal couple to consult.
Instead there is communication, there is commitment and there is covenant. If, like with the soul's connection to its Divine source, we cannot or do not want to disconnect, we have to keep returning, re-working, re-entering the covenant. Lord knows its not easy. Seriously, God is no expert in relationships and couldn't even write the book on marriage. So I shouldn't feel so bad that mine isn't perfect, there doesn't seem to be a perfect marriage out there. Anywhere. That's life, as they say. That's a shift in expectations, in the definition of covenant. That's a work in progress, always requiring both partners contribution, even when one of them is God.
Covenant is a commitment, an eternal every day choice to connect and accept the blessings and the responsibilities. Paradise is there for inspiration, not to set us up for failure. We count our days, we count on one another, we count on hope that the scary tractor will bring us safely back home to our nest.
After seven weeks of counting, we celebrate covenant with the gift of Torah on Shavuot. Let's consider it an anniversary, time to reconnect and re-enter the relationship however broken or complete it may be today.
Tonight will be the 46th day of the Omer, 6 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. The last Shabbat of the Omer.
In college I met an older-than-me distinguished type married couple who whose relationship was based on other than sex and passion. I respected it but totally didn't get it. Didn't want that for myself, I wanted sparks with the friendship and sharing stories and housework and fantasies and love and the kind of lovemaking I imagined would go with all that.
Living in Israel for a year between college and rabbinical school, I became close with a classmate and came to admire her partnership. Finally, I thought I found a loving relationship set in sacredness. I watched them bless each other on Shabbat and wanted that for myself. I observed the calm and respectful way they related, and the deep affection they portrayed. They too have since separated.
I feel like the little chick in Are You My Mother? walking through the world looking for my true model for marriage. Just like the baby bird, I've probably walked right by it, because I don't know what it looks like. Are you my marriage? No, I am the unhappy version your parents endured for 30 years, you do not want me to be your marriage. Are you my marriage? No, you are a bag of secrets and cheating, looks sexy but lacks substance. Are you my marriage? No, you are platonic, stable but dry. Are you my marriage? No, I am a romanticized television version of one, just made up to mess with your expectations, I cannot be your marriage. Are you my marriage? No, I am a lesbian couple, Venus and Venus no Martians in here, I cannot be your marriage.
Even God of the Jewish Bible borrows marriage as the metaphor for the covenant between God and the Jewish people, and that relationship endures drama, betrayal, abandonment and exile. An exception, The Song of Songs portrays the idyllic lovers in the garden with poetry and song, affection and delight. If only we could all stay and play in paradise all day! Not even the Divine marriage is blissful when the partners step out into the real world of stress and temptation. Sure, this covenant is binding and in theory we don't have the choice to walk away. But separation through exile still persists so I still seek the model for reconciliation within the covenant, within marriage.
Baby Bird thought the tractor was his mother until it became scary and lifted him up, up, up off the ground. Oh no! I thought this was my marriage but it is not where I want to be, exclaimed this little chick many years ago.
Oh no! I want my mother, I need my moooothhhhherrrrr, baby bird screamed as the tractor was taking him far, far away. This really is not my marriage, and it is over, I realized way back when in a moment of acceptance.
Please put me down, baby bird cried as the tractor was placing him back in the nest in the tree. I followed my inner knowing through trembles and tremors and got through my divorce. And soon, baby bird was back safe at home. And the little chick flew the coop and found her way back to a new tree top nest, a sweet lake view condo paradise. And it was good, very very good.
I've heard that “remarriage is the victory of hope over experience.” (if you know the original source, please share.) This covenant idea that permeates my Jewish life is so persistant that hope returned eventually. Another chuppah, 4 children, 2 dogs later I sometimes still feel like that chick walking around asking “are you my marriage?” I wish there was a blueprint or an archetypal couple to consult.
Instead there is communication, there is commitment and there is covenant. If, like with the soul's connection to its Divine source, we cannot or do not want to disconnect, we have to keep returning, re-working, re-entering the covenant. Lord knows its not easy. Seriously, God is no expert in relationships and couldn't even write the book on marriage. So I shouldn't feel so bad that mine isn't perfect, there doesn't seem to be a perfect marriage out there. Anywhere. That's life, as they say. That's a shift in expectations, in the definition of covenant. That's a work in progress, always requiring both partners contribution, even when one of them is God.
Covenant is a commitment, an eternal every day choice to connect and accept the blessings and the responsibilities. Paradise is there for inspiration, not to set us up for failure. We count our days, we count on one another, we count on hope that the scary tractor will bring us safely back home to our nest.
After seven weeks of counting, we celebrate covenant with the gift of Torah on Shavuot. Let's consider it an anniversary, time to reconnect and re-enter the relationship however broken or complete it may be today.
Tonight will be the 46th day of the Omer, 6 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. The last Shabbat of the Omer.
45 - Coming Thru Crisis
I was a late bloomer in many areas- losing teeth, starting menses, losing my virginity- yet I had an early exposure to crisis and the spiritual growth opportunity it brings, for many in a mid-life crisis. I was seventeen when my father suddenly became paralyzed and my family life turned upside-down and inside out, and I was eighteen in therapy when my now exposed family dysfunction and unhealthy ways of self-medicating my wounds brought me to recovery. The old timers called me a babe and were happy to see someone so young already in meetings. For me, the suffering had lasted long enough and my bottom was bottom enough. I got to work on the steps, on myself, and on my relationship with God.
With amazing clarity I remember sitting in Burger King (pre-Starbucks plus a place where I wouldn't see anyone who knew me) with my journal and the Big Book. My task was to reconcile the God of my childhood Hebrew school and synagogue teaching with this strange concept of a Higher Power. I wrote and wrote and wrote and thus began to figure out what I believed, how God moved in my life and how the God of my understanding is also the God of Israel and also quite a different person than the judgmental white bearded male omniscient being associate with Judaism of my childhood. Fortunate for me I simultaneously found my way into college class with a rabbinic expert on the mystical and theological. All at the same time, I found a home in 12 Step and a rich treasure of wisdom in Jewish teaching with my college mentor, Dr./Rabbi/Professor David Blumenthal.
My theological influences were radically non-traditional. After one of my first meetings, a southern baptist woman gracefully offered a few words of God instruction to my tear covered face. While standing with one foot in the car, unsure about the whole Higher Power thing, Joni taught me that God is always there riding in the passenger seat. Still, when I'm wondering where God is in my life, I step into the car and look to my side and ask God to go for a ride. Beyond my advanced beginning into Jewish studies with a Talmud class, I continued with Zohar and Advanced Zohar. Not on the usual course guide, these classes were rare gems in their existence and authenticity, shining with the deep ernest and caring brilliance of my teacher. This primary text of Jewish mystiscm, a mystery to most, was my foundational theological source. Flow of blessing, dynamic movement from polarities to balance, intentional union, the belief that we can change God with our intent and actions – these formed my soul development.
Daily work, daily meetings, step work, journal work, teshuvah and more teshuvah, establishing sacred boundaries. For years and decades now these tools shaped me and helped me survive though it has not been linear. Developing strength prepared me to face more demons, learning to trust I had major disappointments, new challenges leveled me.
Two years ago today I was counting the omer and completed my 32nd week of triplet pregnancy, of which 6 weeks and 5 days had been omer days. My Pregnancy Journal notes I “didn't sleep much last night, watched movie 27 Dresses on pay per view at 3:30 am.” All nights were on the sofa since on the bed I'd get stuck like a turtle on her back (even if I was on my side, with pillows propped everywhere). The ob/gyn estimated Baby A to weigh 4 lbs 5 ounces, Baby B at 2 lbs 8 ounces and C at 3 lbs 5 ounces. (At birth they were only 3 lb 14 oz, 3 lb and 3 lb .5 oz.) My bp was 115/75, I weighed 225 pounds and I had contractions in the taxi. A synagogue friend came over to feed me lunch; a rotating cast of righteous people visited me on bed [sic. sofa] rest daily. I was heavy, getting around my condo in a wheel chair, focused on my goal of counting through the omer, and not feeling particularly spiritual. Survival for my babies and me was the daily challenge, far from soulfully secure or even certain that God was in the picture at all. The tiny ones would arrive via 'emergency' c-section ten days later and it would be some time before I'd ever have a moment to ponder God's presence. Even now, after nearly two years of living with these miracles, sweet souls most certainly guarded by a Higher Power, I wouldn't claim to have a repaired relationship or neat theological statement.
Yes, as commented last night, crisis compels a response. Sometimes people respond with spiritual seeking and openness and deepening, and some swirl deeper into distress. At whatever age one first starts seeking, it is life changing. The flow of blessing as light pierces the darkness and a thin ray of light appears. In each cycle of returning towards oneness, our prayers and open hearts affect union and balance above, which then flows below.
Feeling the absence of God's presence doesn't mean that God isn't present; God goes underground at times. This I learned from studying the Dark Night of the Soul, especially Spiritual Director and author Gerry May's amazing take on it. Even when I forget what I know to be true because I'm at that 7th Level of Tired or when everything feels unfair or when people die, just because I don't feel that special spiritual bliss doesn't mean that the God of my understanding was just a dream. Physical, emotional, financial stress can all place paralyzing pressure on the spinal cord of the soul. What feels like permanent paralysis is a feeling, a nerve reaction, that on the spiritual level cannot impact the integrity of Godliness. Souls have unique and impenetrable characteristics, the collective Source of souls is likewise eternal.
A spiritual program is a full time job. Lessons abound in the 12 Steps, in traditional and mystical texts and teachings, in breath, in yoga, in spiritual writings, in friendship, in love, in children.
Tonight is the 45th night of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
Practice: Put your feet up. Lay on the floor with your feet up the wall. Try placing a folded blanket under your hips so they are raised slightly. This posture involves turning yourself upside-down. Rather than disrupting your life, it is a restorative pose, resting your legs and feet and also allowing your upper body and abdomen to relax into the floor. 5 minutes minimum.
With amazing clarity I remember sitting in Burger King (pre-Starbucks plus a place where I wouldn't see anyone who knew me) with my journal and the Big Book. My task was to reconcile the God of my childhood Hebrew school and synagogue teaching with this strange concept of a Higher Power. I wrote and wrote and wrote and thus began to figure out what I believed, how God moved in my life and how the God of my understanding is also the God of Israel and also quite a different person than the judgmental white bearded male omniscient being associate with Judaism of my childhood. Fortunate for me I simultaneously found my way into college class with a rabbinic expert on the mystical and theological. All at the same time, I found a home in 12 Step and a rich treasure of wisdom in Jewish teaching with my college mentor, Dr./Rabbi/Professor David Blumenthal.
My theological influences were radically non-traditional. After one of my first meetings, a southern baptist woman gracefully offered a few words of God instruction to my tear covered face. While standing with one foot in the car, unsure about the whole Higher Power thing, Joni taught me that God is always there riding in the passenger seat. Still, when I'm wondering where God is in my life, I step into the car and look to my side and ask God to go for a ride. Beyond my advanced beginning into Jewish studies with a Talmud class, I continued with Zohar and Advanced Zohar. Not on the usual course guide, these classes were rare gems in their existence and authenticity, shining with the deep ernest and caring brilliance of my teacher. This primary text of Jewish mystiscm, a mystery to most, was my foundational theological source. Flow of blessing, dynamic movement from polarities to balance, intentional union, the belief that we can change God with our intent and actions – these formed my soul development.
Daily work, daily meetings, step work, journal work, teshuvah and more teshuvah, establishing sacred boundaries. For years and decades now these tools shaped me and helped me survive though it has not been linear. Developing strength prepared me to face more demons, learning to trust I had major disappointments, new challenges leveled me.
Two years ago today I was counting the omer and completed my 32nd week of triplet pregnancy, of which 6 weeks and 5 days had been omer days. My Pregnancy Journal notes I “didn't sleep much last night, watched movie 27 Dresses on pay per view at 3:30 am.” All nights were on the sofa since on the bed I'd get stuck like a turtle on her back (even if I was on my side, with pillows propped everywhere). The ob/gyn estimated Baby A to weigh 4 lbs 5 ounces, Baby B at 2 lbs 8 ounces and C at 3 lbs 5 ounces. (At birth they were only 3 lb 14 oz, 3 lb and 3 lb .5 oz.) My bp was 115/75, I weighed 225 pounds and I had contractions in the taxi. A synagogue friend came over to feed me lunch; a rotating cast of righteous people visited me on bed [sic. sofa] rest daily. I was heavy, getting around my condo in a wheel chair, focused on my goal of counting through the omer, and not feeling particularly spiritual. Survival for my babies and me was the daily challenge, far from soulfully secure or even certain that God was in the picture at all. The tiny ones would arrive via 'emergency' c-section ten days later and it would be some time before I'd ever have a moment to ponder God's presence. Even now, after nearly two years of living with these miracles, sweet souls most certainly guarded by a Higher Power, I wouldn't claim to have a repaired relationship or neat theological statement.
Yes, as commented last night, crisis compels a response. Sometimes people respond with spiritual seeking and openness and deepening, and some swirl deeper into distress. At whatever age one first starts seeking, it is life changing. The flow of blessing as light pierces the darkness and a thin ray of light appears. In each cycle of returning towards oneness, our prayers and open hearts affect union and balance above, which then flows below.
Feeling the absence of God's presence doesn't mean that God isn't present; God goes underground at times. This I learned from studying the Dark Night of the Soul, especially Spiritual Director and author Gerry May's amazing take on it. Even when I forget what I know to be true because I'm at that 7th Level of Tired or when everything feels unfair or when people die, just because I don't feel that special spiritual bliss doesn't mean that the God of my understanding was just a dream. Physical, emotional, financial stress can all place paralyzing pressure on the spinal cord of the soul. What feels like permanent paralysis is a feeling, a nerve reaction, that on the spiritual level cannot impact the integrity of Godliness. Souls have unique and impenetrable characteristics, the collective Source of souls is likewise eternal.
A spiritual program is a full time job. Lessons abound in the 12 Steps, in traditional and mystical texts and teachings, in breath, in yoga, in spiritual writings, in friendship, in love, in children.
Tonight is the 45th night of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
Practice: Put your feet up. Lay on the floor with your feet up the wall. Try placing a folded blanket under your hips so they are raised slightly. This posture involves turning yourself upside-down. Rather than disrupting your life, it is a restorative pose, resting your legs and feet and also allowing your upper body and abdomen to relax into the floor. 5 minutes minimum.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
44 - thirties, forties.
Forced to face the denial that I'm no longer thirty-six, counting the late 30s felt very personal to me; my writing froze. Now in the forties I feel I've aged prematurely. Didn't realize when I started this counting challenge forty-four nights ago that it would bring on a mini mid-life crisis. Are you with me here? We'll be forty-nine next week!
A facebook friend posted that half birthdays aren't as exciting as the real thing and mentioned this as she turned 24 ½. Wouldn't plenty of people be so excited to have another six months of being twenty-four, or at least the care-free young body state that (usually) goes with it? With deeper thought, I realize that my life now is fuller, happier, and wiser. The wear and tear on my body is real, yet the wider lens on life, more authentic soul situation and large love quotient are a somewhat fair trade.
In youth and health the body willingly accompanies us as we do our thing. As we move on in age and stage, physical awareness creeps into every activity as creakiness, injuries and illness increase, stretch marks and frown lines appear. On one hand I'm a mom to young children, trying to adapt when a sitter cancels last minute and my carefully choreographed day becomes “take your triplets to work today” day. On the other hand, I relate to my newly forty friend whose gift to herself is botox between the brows. I have my own self improvement plans for my entree into the forties.
In the realm of omer counting, the increasing numbers stop abruptly. Beyond 49 there is no counting, no Molly Shannon cheer, reprised last week on SNL with Betty White, “I'm fifty, fifty [kick], fifty! [kick, kick]. Instead we get a greater reason to party, the gift of Torah, ageless teaching, the foundation of Jewish wisdom.
Though it sounds swell, receiving a gift is not necessarily simple. Just because it is offered doesn't mean that the recipient is ready to accept the gift. When someone gives you a compliment, do you brush it off with a quick thank you before letting it penetrate your heart. Can you accept an offer of assistance and open your door to help?
In community, we are here for each other in times of need. Could be easier to offer a meal to a grieving family than accepting help with childcare when someone in the family is in the hospital. Might be easier to entertain for Shabbat than entertain the idea that you need strangers to help fold laundry, bring food to you bedside, shop for diapers, etc... Accepting a gift, accepting an apology, accepting assistance, accepting wisdom – all require an accessible heart connection. Getting there takes work, takes preparation – thus the omer counting. With Torah given after forty-nine days, how to readily appreciate the teaching that may guide you to a more meaningful, ethical, connected, spiritual life.
Here Rav Yoga provides tools for opening body, mind and soul to receiving gifts. Standing at Sinai takes a new turn with attention to the physical posture of standing, of standing strong, of standing strong and listening for the still small voice within the stillness.
This Shabbat at Netivot/Pathways Saturdays we will do the physical and spiritual preparation for Shavuot. On Erev Shavuot, families will welcome the holiday with Rav Yoga Yeladim at the Tikkun Lil Shavuot. In the next few days, I will share yoga postures for preparation, for opening, for feeling young again.
Today is the 44th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 2 days of the omer.
A facebook friend posted that half birthdays aren't as exciting as the real thing and mentioned this as she turned 24 ½. Wouldn't plenty of people be so excited to have another six months of being twenty-four, or at least the care-free young body state that (usually) goes with it? With deeper thought, I realize that my life now is fuller, happier, and wiser. The wear and tear on my body is real, yet the wider lens on life, more authentic soul situation and large love quotient are a somewhat fair trade.
In youth and health the body willingly accompanies us as we do our thing. As we move on in age and stage, physical awareness creeps into every activity as creakiness, injuries and illness increase, stretch marks and frown lines appear. On one hand I'm a mom to young children, trying to adapt when a sitter cancels last minute and my carefully choreographed day becomes “take your triplets to work today” day. On the other hand, I relate to my newly forty friend whose gift to herself is botox between the brows. I have my own self improvement plans for my entree into the forties.
In the realm of omer counting, the increasing numbers stop abruptly. Beyond 49 there is no counting, no Molly Shannon cheer, reprised last week on SNL with Betty White, “I'm fifty, fifty [kick], fifty! [kick, kick]. Instead we get a greater reason to party, the gift of Torah, ageless teaching, the foundation of Jewish wisdom.
Though it sounds swell, receiving a gift is not necessarily simple. Just because it is offered doesn't mean that the recipient is ready to accept the gift. When someone gives you a compliment, do you brush it off with a quick thank you before letting it penetrate your heart. Can you accept an offer of assistance and open your door to help?
In community, we are here for each other in times of need. Could be easier to offer a meal to a grieving family than accepting help with childcare when someone in the family is in the hospital. Might be easier to entertain for Shabbat than entertain the idea that you need strangers to help fold laundry, bring food to you bedside, shop for diapers, etc... Accepting a gift, accepting an apology, accepting assistance, accepting wisdom – all require an accessible heart connection. Getting there takes work, takes preparation – thus the omer counting. With Torah given after forty-nine days, how to readily appreciate the teaching that may guide you to a more meaningful, ethical, connected, spiritual life.
Here Rav Yoga provides tools for opening body, mind and soul to receiving gifts. Standing at Sinai takes a new turn with attention to the physical posture of standing, of standing strong, of standing strong and listening for the still small voice within the stillness.
This Shabbat at Netivot/Pathways Saturdays we will do the physical and spiritual preparation for Shavuot. On Erev Shavuot, families will welcome the holiday with Rav Yoga Yeladim at the Tikkun Lil Shavuot. In the next few days, I will share yoga postures for preparation, for opening, for feeling young again.
Today is the 44th day of the Omer, that is 6 weeks and 2 days of the omer.
Friday, May 7, 2010
37, 38, ...
still counting, tonight after Shabbat begins will be the day after 38...
ten days till Shavuot
hoping to post an OOCC essay today, but just in case that's the count!
shabbat shalom!
ten days till Shavuot
hoping to post an OOCC essay today, but just in case that's the count!
shabbat shalom!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
36 - Types of Tired
I kind of became a fan of rock star Bret Michaels from his personality on Celebrity Apprentice, not from his music, couldn't name a Poison song nor identify his sound. I was so sad to hear about his sudden major brain hemorrhage and would feel a loss if he doesn't survive. Just today the a press conference on his condition says that miraculously he is walking and talking again, and expected to fully recover. I hope that he continues bringing his positive message to the world. Really seems like such a good person, and a loving father. Maybe he wins Celebrity Apprentice? And maybe I'd like his music too.
Bret comes across as a good guy and a fun guy, who just wants to help. In one particular challenge he gave great unheeded advice to an upcoming country star. Michaels' admonished the guy not to talk about how tired he is, and that's exactly what this dope did in his televised interview with People magazine. The reporter later commented to the execs that he seemed tired, and Bret's words rang true: no one wants to hear how tired you are. That's part of the job, being on the road, up late, working hard, and it is not the message you should choose to send out to the world. Stick with: I love the music, I'm so happy to be doing this, the fans are great, this performance/album/concert/interview is the best thing in the world and I'm just honored and blessed to be here.
The message is clear: assume that tiredness is a fact of life and choose your message carefully. When someone asks “how are you?” you can start with the first thing that comes to mind (“tired”) or the first thing you want them to know. There is a distinction and we get to make that choice.
Judaism is full of choices; we get to choose from seven levels of tzedakah, seven different types of charitable giving. Maimonides (widely known as Rambam) lists them from the least to most honorable, starting with #1 giving begrudgingly. Read up more on this and you'll notice the seven options do not include refraining from giving tzedakah altogether. There is no choice to refuse giving some of our money to others who need it more. Tzedakah is something we do, maybe (but hopefully not) begrudgingly, ideally honorably, often, and with altruistic desire to help.
Tiredness too is not a choice, it is part and parcel of life. We expend energy and become worn down, we take in energy and perk up again. The efficiency of the cycle depends on quantity and quality of this energy exchange. Pour in nutritious food into a healthy body, use the energy for a run by the lake, business meeting and grocery shopping. Drain every ounce of energy while a loved one is sick, there's no magic food or amount of sleep to feel replenished. Along Rambam's lines of seven different variations, I'm conceptualizing seven types of tired.
Everyone is somewhere on the scale of seven types of tired, as everyone is expected to be somewhere on the ladder of tzedakah. In each case, let us learn from glam rock star and amazing survivor Bret Michaels, no one wants to hear about it. “I'm just so tired” comes off as “I wish I weren't here talking to you, I'm not listening so you're just wasting your time.” Like teacher said, “if you have nothing good to say, don't say it.” While going through my father's important papers I found a yellow legal envelope with important looking notes all over it. In large letters it read “KYMS”. When asked my dad told me that he always jots down these letters on the top of a page for important meetings. It's his reminder to keep his cool and stay on message: “KYMS”= “Keep Your Mouth Shut!” Just in case you don't know me well, know that I'm big on talking and processing and that this lesson is not meant to be insensitive, just instructive about choosing our words and our messages.
To understand the types of tired, know that the ecology of energy exchange requires intake and output. Energy operates on four levels: body (physical), brain (mental), emotional, and spiritual. As the levels of output increase we become drained and cannot refuel fast enough.
The Seven Types of Tired, by Heather Altman (Rabbi, RYT, Morah Derekh, certified in Surgical Preparation, mother of 4 including toddler triplets) progresses from Plain Tired To Total Exhaustion:
1.Plain tired – you maybe should have slept an hour longer, you didn't get a long lunch at work, you're eating sugar. You can still function pretty well, make clear choices, take care of yourself and others.
2.Good tired – you stayed up all night dancing or making love, you had a long, strong workout or physical challenge (gardening, extreme adventure). Your body is exhausted but you are invigorated, the adrenaline and cortisol make up for physical fatigue. (Body)
3.Brain tired – you've been working or studying long hours, engaged in intellectual thought, running numbers, thinking through complex equations or processes (Brain/Mental). You are burnt out mentally but your body is as strong as ever.
4.Body drained – you have had days of ongoing physical labor, long hours, maybe double shifts. You do school by day/work by night or work by day/school at night/family all the time. Or you are running around all day after young children, or up at night caring for them. You are at the limits of your endurance and also grappling with grasping all that you need to do and how to organize it in your mind. You need a break, and hopefully can at least get a Shabbat nap. (Body + Brain)
5.Emotionally drained – your heart is strained. You are in a major transition, dealing with personal issues. Emotional drain comes from both bad and good situations. Moving into a bigger home is good, but the change is emotionally draining. Same with planning a wedding or other celebration. Emotional drain inevitably takes its toll on brain functioning. This too shall pass. (Mind/Brain + Emotion)
6.Insomniac – you can't sleep because your body is chemically prepared for flight or fight, mind is running non-stop, heart is heavy with worry about money or job security or relationship issues. You really need resources for help. (Body + Brain + Emotional)
7.Total exhaustion – Everything else and your spiritual reserves are low, trust is broken, faith is tested. You have sick child in the hospital, so you get no sleep plus mental exhaustion and spiritual depletion. You experienced a personal or global trauma and it knocked you out on all levels. Your body chemistry needs a re-set and the exhaustion splits off your soul connection. Be very careful, seek and accept offers of assistance, be gentle with yourself and patient with your soul. (Body + Brain +Emotions + Soul)
On Celebrity Apprentice, Bret Michaels is trying to avoid The Donald's “you're fired” and his winning advice thus far is never say “I'm tired”. With his Type-1 diabetes, recent emergency appendectomy and subsequent massive brain bleed, his body was almost at its end, so today's news about his status is a miracle. I am certain that his way of meeting the world with positivity contributed greatly to his survival. I have a feeling he will have something to say about his soul's desire to live and his approach to greeting and meeting life. Inspired by an 80s rock star, I hold out hope for refu'ah shleima, a complete healing of soul and of body, for Bret Michaels and for you and your type of tired.
Today is the 36th day of the omer, 5 weeks and 1 day.
practice:
What level of tired are you today? what can you do to restore the ecology of your energy exchange? back to basics - focus on your breath, your relaxation response, nurturing your relationships, support system and soul connections.
Bret comes across as a good guy and a fun guy, who just wants to help. In one particular challenge he gave great unheeded advice to an upcoming country star. Michaels' admonished the guy not to talk about how tired he is, and that's exactly what this dope did in his televised interview with People magazine. The reporter later commented to the execs that he seemed tired, and Bret's words rang true: no one wants to hear how tired you are. That's part of the job, being on the road, up late, working hard, and it is not the message you should choose to send out to the world. Stick with: I love the music, I'm so happy to be doing this, the fans are great, this performance/album/concert/interview is the best thing in the world and I'm just honored and blessed to be here.
The message is clear: assume that tiredness is a fact of life and choose your message carefully. When someone asks “how are you?” you can start with the first thing that comes to mind (“tired”) or the first thing you want them to know. There is a distinction and we get to make that choice.
Judaism is full of choices; we get to choose from seven levels of tzedakah, seven different types of charitable giving. Maimonides (widely known as Rambam) lists them from the least to most honorable, starting with #1 giving begrudgingly. Read up more on this and you'll notice the seven options do not include refraining from giving tzedakah altogether. There is no choice to refuse giving some of our money to others who need it more. Tzedakah is something we do, maybe (but hopefully not) begrudgingly, ideally honorably, often, and with altruistic desire to help.
Tiredness too is not a choice, it is part and parcel of life. We expend energy and become worn down, we take in energy and perk up again. The efficiency of the cycle depends on quantity and quality of this energy exchange. Pour in nutritious food into a healthy body, use the energy for a run by the lake, business meeting and grocery shopping. Drain every ounce of energy while a loved one is sick, there's no magic food or amount of sleep to feel replenished. Along Rambam's lines of seven different variations, I'm conceptualizing seven types of tired.
Everyone is somewhere on the scale of seven types of tired, as everyone is expected to be somewhere on the ladder of tzedakah. In each case, let us learn from glam rock star and amazing survivor Bret Michaels, no one wants to hear about it. “I'm just so tired” comes off as “I wish I weren't here talking to you, I'm not listening so you're just wasting your time.” Like teacher said, “if you have nothing good to say, don't say it.” While going through my father's important papers I found a yellow legal envelope with important looking notes all over it. In large letters it read “KYMS”. When asked my dad told me that he always jots down these letters on the top of a page for important meetings. It's his reminder to keep his cool and stay on message: “KYMS”= “Keep Your Mouth Shut!” Just in case you don't know me well, know that I'm big on talking and processing and that this lesson is not meant to be insensitive, just instructive about choosing our words and our messages.
To understand the types of tired, know that the ecology of energy exchange requires intake and output. Energy operates on four levels: body (physical), brain (mental), emotional, and spiritual. As the levels of output increase we become drained and cannot refuel fast enough.
The Seven Types of Tired, by Heather Altman (Rabbi, RYT, Morah Derekh, certified in Surgical Preparation, mother of 4 including toddler triplets) progresses from Plain Tired To Total Exhaustion:
1.Plain tired – you maybe should have slept an hour longer, you didn't get a long lunch at work, you're eating sugar. You can still function pretty well, make clear choices, take care of yourself and others.
2.Good tired – you stayed up all night dancing or making love, you had a long, strong workout or physical challenge (gardening, extreme adventure). Your body is exhausted but you are invigorated, the adrenaline and cortisol make up for physical fatigue. (Body)
3.Brain tired – you've been working or studying long hours, engaged in intellectual thought, running numbers, thinking through complex equations or processes (Brain/Mental). You are burnt out mentally but your body is as strong as ever.
4.Body drained – you have had days of ongoing physical labor, long hours, maybe double shifts. You do school by day/work by night or work by day/school at night/family all the time. Or you are running around all day after young children, or up at night caring for them. You are at the limits of your endurance and also grappling with grasping all that you need to do and how to organize it in your mind. You need a break, and hopefully can at least get a Shabbat nap. (Body + Brain)
5.Emotionally drained – your heart is strained. You are in a major transition, dealing with personal issues. Emotional drain comes from both bad and good situations. Moving into a bigger home is good, but the change is emotionally draining. Same with planning a wedding or other celebration. Emotional drain inevitably takes its toll on brain functioning. This too shall pass. (Mind/Brain + Emotion)
6.Insomniac – you can't sleep because your body is chemically prepared for flight or fight, mind is running non-stop, heart is heavy with worry about money or job security or relationship issues. You really need resources for help. (Body + Brain + Emotional)
7.Total exhaustion – Everything else and your spiritual reserves are low, trust is broken, faith is tested. You have sick child in the hospital, so you get no sleep plus mental exhaustion and spiritual depletion. You experienced a personal or global trauma and it knocked you out on all levels. Your body chemistry needs a re-set and the exhaustion splits off your soul connection. Be very careful, seek and accept offers of assistance, be gentle with yourself and patient with your soul. (Body + Brain +Emotions + Soul)
On Celebrity Apprentice, Bret Michaels is trying to avoid The Donald's “you're fired” and his winning advice thus far is never say “I'm tired”. With his Type-1 diabetes, recent emergency appendectomy and subsequent massive brain bleed, his body was almost at its end, so today's news about his status is a miracle. I am certain that his way of meeting the world with positivity contributed greatly to his survival. I have a feeling he will have something to say about his soul's desire to live and his approach to greeting and meeting life. Inspired by an 80s rock star, I hold out hope for refu'ah shleima, a complete healing of soul and of body, for Bret Michaels and for you and your type of tired.
Today is the 36th day of the omer, 5 weeks and 1 day.
practice:
What level of tired are you today? what can you do to restore the ecology of your energy exchange? back to basics - focus on your breath, your relaxation response, nurturing your relationships, support system and soul connections.
Monday, May 3, 2010
35 - Big Birthday
Feel like a birthday girl today wearing my mothers' day gift to myself from last year, because it just arrived today. Took me a while to go ahead and order it, part procrastination part indecision. My OOCC practice helped me become ready to order my cute mommy jewelry. As the transition from full time parenting to full time professional work procedes with the weeks of the omer I can wear their names around my neck rather than their bodies wrapped around mine.
35 is a big birthday, this omer day gives me occasion to catch up on the theme for an omer essay day incomplete -28. 28 is my birthday number, the day of the month on which I was born. A good number, and the age that I pretend I'll keep repeating. I've always felt that numbers have personalities and colors that go with them. Two and eight together have such a nice feel, adding up to ten feels quite whole. And the corresponding color is bright, with a sunshine yellow quality.
Grown ups only call ourselves birthday boy or girl when we're not feeling old. When the days of annual parties are over, birthday celebrations – and sentiments – change. For my last birthday I used the excuse to treat my friends to manis and pedis, preceded by sushi. My excitement went into gifts of amazing chocolate bars I gave them as goody bags. My present was getting to spend the night with them, introducing special people to one another, and enjoying quiet, quality time. That winter night I counted; the six women present produced nineteen children total. Not accustomed to quiet time, we all reveled in the massaging chairs, and the pampering too.
Now I am planning another birthday party, one with bubbles and balls and bagels and lots of noise. In June my little ladies will turn two. Still they don't even understand the meaning of birthday and they're too young to get all excited with anticipation. We get to celebrate them and their life and recall when they were born and all the excitement and cuteness they bring. Last year at their first birthday party I had big fun celebrating a year of survival. I anticipate this year feeling a similar sense of accomplishment. As their second birthday approaches, the girls know how to have fun. They smile so much and giggle with delight. They dance and scream and hold hands and give hugs. My dad is working on teaching them to say “one, two”.
For everyone 49 and under, there's a day of the Omer that corresponds with our age. I wonder what the spiritual message is in that. Perhaps the counting takes us through the first forty-nine of our lives and indicates that fifty is a year of revelation. After fifty the challenge is just remembering the early years. Ironially it seems that long term memory improves with age, when we see the timeline of our life and appreciate each day, each birth, each birthday even more.
Received some tragic news yesterday and I can't help but think of those who died young and never made it to that year. When their birth dates arrive how can we celebrate for them? In their honor? My FP sisters (maybe I'll explain later) write email birthday blessings that say “I'm so glad you were born.” That's what I wanted to say to my friends on my birthday and theirs, maybe that's what we say when remembering too. Maybe the count to 49 points us to value these early (and mid) years. I look at my children and in each moment feel joy in their lives; everyone should have someone in their life or memory who loves us in that parent-child way. Knowing that we are loved as gifts of joy counts for so much.
Today we count 35 days of the omer, which is 5 weeks of the Omer.
Practice: What does your 35th birthday mean to you? Consider life before 35 and life after. How do you celebrate your life?
35 is a big birthday, this omer day gives me occasion to catch up on the theme for an omer essay day incomplete -28. 28 is my birthday number, the day of the month on which I was born. A good number, and the age that I pretend I'll keep repeating. I've always felt that numbers have personalities and colors that go with them. Two and eight together have such a nice feel, adding up to ten feels quite whole. And the corresponding color is bright, with a sunshine yellow quality.
Grown ups only call ourselves birthday boy or girl when we're not feeling old. When the days of annual parties are over, birthday celebrations – and sentiments – change. For my last birthday I used the excuse to treat my friends to manis and pedis, preceded by sushi. My excitement went into gifts of amazing chocolate bars I gave them as goody bags. My present was getting to spend the night with them, introducing special people to one another, and enjoying quiet, quality time. That winter night I counted; the six women present produced nineteen children total. Not accustomed to quiet time, we all reveled in the massaging chairs, and the pampering too.
Now I am planning another birthday party, one with bubbles and balls and bagels and lots of noise. In June my little ladies will turn two. Still they don't even understand the meaning of birthday and they're too young to get all excited with anticipation. We get to celebrate them and their life and recall when they were born and all the excitement and cuteness they bring. Last year at their first birthday party I had big fun celebrating a year of survival. I anticipate this year feeling a similar sense of accomplishment. As their second birthday approaches, the girls know how to have fun. They smile so much and giggle with delight. They dance and scream and hold hands and give hugs. My dad is working on teaching them to say “one, two”.
For everyone 49 and under, there's a day of the Omer that corresponds with our age. I wonder what the spiritual message is in that. Perhaps the counting takes us through the first forty-nine of our lives and indicates that fifty is a year of revelation. After fifty the challenge is just remembering the early years. Ironially it seems that long term memory improves with age, when we see the timeline of our life and appreciate each day, each birth, each birthday even more.
Received some tragic news yesterday and I can't help but think of those who died young and never made it to that year. When their birth dates arrive how can we celebrate for them? In their honor? My FP sisters (maybe I'll explain later) write email birthday blessings that say “I'm so glad you were born.” That's what I wanted to say to my friends on my birthday and theirs, maybe that's what we say when remembering too. Maybe the count to 49 points us to value these early (and mid) years. I look at my children and in each moment feel joy in their lives; everyone should have someone in their life or memory who loves us in that parent-child way. Knowing that we are loved as gifts of joy counts for so much.
Today we count 35 days of the omer, which is 5 weeks of the Omer.
Practice: What does your 35th birthday mean to you? Consider life before 35 and life after. How do you celebrate your life?
34 No Knot Days (for Sara)
With a definite bias towards partnering people up in marriage, it is a bit strange that Judaism has black out days for weddings. Yep, we do. Basically the first thirty-three days of the Omer are no knot days, though they're not the only ones throughout the year. Biblically these days were the path from exodus from Egypt to revelation at Mt. Sinai, a trying trek marked by uncertainty and fear. Later history layered on mourning for 24,000 Torah students of Rabbi Akiva and another host of historical trauma. The 33rd day marked a change for the better and became an Israeli bonfire BBQ celebration called Lag B'Omer (the alpha-numerics for 33 is lamed (L=30) gimel(G=3), abbreviated as “Lag”). With exceptions, many Jewish communities permit weddings only on and after Lag B'Omer. A lenient ruling completes the mourning observances after Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day) prior to Lag B'Omer; still, some restrict the entire seven weeks.
The funeral procession always stops for a simcha. We never ignore joyous occasions to sit in our sorrow. When a simcha has been scheduled and a tragedy happens we don't delay the wedding, though we modify the form of celebration. From the start though, wedding planning considers cyclical times of mourning and we prevent schedule conflicts. The joy should be as pure as possible.
Weddings are supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. That's what the bridal business sells us. The emotions are much more complex and logistically it is not a carefree day. Having officiated at many weddings I know that sadness often makes its appearance at some point on the wedding day. Lots of brides and grooms stand under the chuppah without the parents and grandparents they always imagined would be there. So that sadness doesn't overwhelm, we separate the calendar date away from mourning periods and we create a space outside of the chuppah to remember the love and hopes and dreams of the parents who died before their child's wedding day. Pre-wedding rituals can be designed to draw up the love and soul connection so all the blessings of love and beautiful memories brighten the day.
There's an element of loss in every new beginning so that's not enough excuse to inhibit weddings; more than the mourning, the emotional quality of omer is instability. Wandering in the wilderness, looking backwards at the familiar landscape of suffering, dealing with major trust issues – these are not appropriate activities for entering a covenant. The midrash tells that God had to hold the mountain over our ancestors' heads until they agreed to accept the Torah. Until they got to Sinai they were not ready to create that covenant with God. Couples create a loving covenant of marriage under the chuppah, and the choice to enter must be clear. This is a moment of arrival, of acceptance and of faith which can only occur after revelation. The bright light of blessing illuminates clarity, certainty and commitment – necessary companions to love.
The Baal Shem Tov said:From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.
The seven weeks of the omer are a spiritual practice of preparation, a powerful tool towards transformation. At the end, each individual alone stands at Sinai to be initiated into the community of Israel, to be blessed by the stream of divine light. Open to receiving instruction and direction and illumination from the Source of all blessing, we pray that our choices create closeness in relationship with our beloved, with our families, with our friends. Seven cycles of seven, the fullness of full, wholeness of the whole, light joining light. Be'sha'ah tova, this is the hour of goodness!
Today is the 34th day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 6 days. Let the wedding season begin - mazal tov!
The funeral procession always stops for a simcha. We never ignore joyous occasions to sit in our sorrow. When a simcha has been scheduled and a tragedy happens we don't delay the wedding, though we modify the form of celebration. From the start though, wedding planning considers cyclical times of mourning and we prevent schedule conflicts. The joy should be as pure as possible.
Weddings are supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. That's what the bridal business sells us. The emotions are much more complex and logistically it is not a carefree day. Having officiated at many weddings I know that sadness often makes its appearance at some point on the wedding day. Lots of brides and grooms stand under the chuppah without the parents and grandparents they always imagined would be there. So that sadness doesn't overwhelm, we separate the calendar date away from mourning periods and we create a space outside of the chuppah to remember the love and hopes and dreams of the parents who died before their child's wedding day. Pre-wedding rituals can be designed to draw up the love and soul connection so all the blessings of love and beautiful memories brighten the day.
There's an element of loss in every new beginning so that's not enough excuse to inhibit weddings; more than the mourning, the emotional quality of omer is instability. Wandering in the wilderness, looking backwards at the familiar landscape of suffering, dealing with major trust issues – these are not appropriate activities for entering a covenant. The midrash tells that God had to hold the mountain over our ancestors' heads until they agreed to accept the Torah. Until they got to Sinai they were not ready to create that covenant with God. Couples create a loving covenant of marriage under the chuppah, and the choice to enter must be clear. This is a moment of arrival, of acceptance and of faith which can only occur after revelation. The bright light of blessing illuminates clarity, certainty and commitment – necessary companions to love.
The Baal Shem Tov said:From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.
The seven weeks of the omer are a spiritual practice of preparation, a powerful tool towards transformation. At the end, each individual alone stands at Sinai to be initiated into the community of Israel, to be blessed by the stream of divine light. Open to receiving instruction and direction and illumination from the Source of all blessing, we pray that our choices create closeness in relationship with our beloved, with our families, with our friends. Seven cycles of seven, the fullness of full, wholeness of the whole, light joining light. Be'sha'ah tova, this is the hour of goodness!
Today is the 34th day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 6 days. Let the wedding season begin - mazal tov!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
33 -Sex Change Goddess
SEX
In the early stages of a relationship we would never imagine that our passionate sex life will one day be barely there. Our passion is so strong, our sex life is so good, our intimacy is a central part of our identity as a couple in love. Despite our deep seated belief that we will be different than those who trade in the bonfire for a pilot light, it is a fact of later stage love (and aging/changing bodies) that frequency of sex fades.
When I told a close friend that I was going to write a book, he assumed if it would be a book of erotica. Shocking, hopefully, for most readers, but when I told another close personal confidant about this supposition I got this matter-of-fact reaction: “of course, that's what anyone who knows you would say.” Sex is a favorite topic of mine, and I enjoy sharing and hearing details. For a while, I was the one who fed juicy stories to my friends. That well dried up when I got married. As fitting the sanctity of marriage, I set boundaries on blabbing. Never appropriate for the professional persona, I discern between wanton voyeurism and all important education, honesty and openness. Sexuality is human, a universal life theme. I strongly maintain that sex is sacred, even when it is sad or bad or kinky or gay or short or solo. [Sex is not sacred when it is scary, coerced and abusive.]
CHANGE
The truth is that kids change everything. It is a platitude, I know, but it is the truth. In my case, my marriage never existed without kids. I dated a daddy-daughter combo; immediately we were a not-yet family unit. Once we were all living together we discovered her hidden talent – sex radar. The second that we started kissing, she would cry out from her room awake. Sex-dar! - not for sale. The only ever blessing of the every other weekend custody arrangement was those early relationship weekends in bed without the sex alarm sounding. Life re-arranged, now in my perfect world all of our children would always be under our roof, ready to climb into bed for morning tickles.
Clearly with children it is not only how our bodies change, though that is a key point. My pregnancy was far from typical if there is such a thing. Speaking generally, pregnancy changes every cell of the body. Nothing is spared. Hormones are powerful drugs and growing another being inside your body is radical (not to mention growing three babies at once!). Delivery brings other changes, both typers -vaginal and cesarean. I wouldn't doubt if adoptive mothers and mothers by surrogacy have their own experience of physical changes when they become mothers. Mothering, all parenting, is an extreme sport.
When I say everything changes, I mean everything. Nerve ending rearrange themselves, breasts change colors and sizes, muscles tighten that are supposed to loosen and loosen that are supposed to tighten. Taste buds transform, nourishment triggers vomiting, vegetarians crave meat. Bodies with perpetually cold fingers, nose and toes can suddenly heat an entire house. Emotions become exagerated, sensitivities super-size.
I didn't always recognize myself. I don't recognize myself in women who say they went through pregnancy with no changes at all in lifestyle, then gave away their maternity jeans the day after delivery, God bless them. One day, or night, or afternoon- months after giving birth, I attempted to have sex. That's when I realized that my clitoris had moved. Yes, my anatomy was rearranged! Quite disturbing to discover my body had become completely alien. Moments like those, its so nice to be so sleep deprived with three babies needing your boobs for sustenance. Nature's way of compensating. No time or energy to ponder the freak show that is me in the moment.
GODDESS*
Yet another part of the owner's manual for women's body that they didn't give to us in middle school sex ed. Think of the bump you get from walking into a wall and imagine the swelling you'd have if a head burst through your groin. Ah, yes, the birth canal, that is not a separate accessory loaned to you for the event, it is your very own one and only vagina. Stretched beyond her limit, engorged with blood flow, she swells beyond recognition to bring forth new life.
I saw a Goddess in my first sight of a woman naked and swollen after child birth. A sight before unseen by me, this was surely the body of God. Yes, creation is an act of godliness and childbirth is an act of Goddessness. The Goddess body surely but slowly (days, months, years) morphs back into a semblance of the pre-mother woman, with the woman always retaining the primordial woman Goddessness. “God was in this place, and I did not know.” Every physical sensation is a source for spiritual awareness, every body breathes soul, every moment we hold the holy in our hands. The rawness of it, also found in sex, and the sweetness of it, also found in sensuality, are not exclusive to this experience.
The point is that passion is divine. Physical fire fuels the entry level of soul work. The intense heat is a furnace of spiritual refinement. It was hot in that desert while we walked and sweated to the oldies. Hard work building and shlepping the tabernacle. The sun so hot it baked matzoh on our backs as we fled slavery for the promise of freedom, with each step getting closer to the light of revelation. Accessing your passion, your heat, your light, your fire is your own dance of freedom. Feel the fire that fuels you, let yourself get sticky and sweaty from the heat, enjoy the fun all for the sake of finding the Goddess within.
Today is the 33rd day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 5 days. Today is the celebration of Lag B'Omer, marked by bonfires and wild celebration. Fire and freedom, divine purpose and passion .
Practice:
-Get those inner fires burning. Dance until you drip from sweat – alone in your home, with a friend, lover or child. Or take your dancing out to a community Lag B'Omer celebration. An alternate physical practice is a yoga practice focusing on the lower abs.
Consider a burning ritual. If there were a safe bonfire for you, what items would you offer up? You can set your intention for letting go and moving towards freedom (burn that letter from your ex) or for celebrating your passionate dreams (burn a letter to yourself or to God that describes the person you aspire to be, your big dreams. Write as if, i.e. “I am happy, joyous and free”, “I am successful in business and in love with my wife.”)
*Please note that my use of Goddess here illuminates the female face of God and does not mean that I believe in anything but One Unified God. Questions welcome as always.
In the early stages of a relationship we would never imagine that our passionate sex life will one day be barely there. Our passion is so strong, our sex life is so good, our intimacy is a central part of our identity as a couple in love. Despite our deep seated belief that we will be different than those who trade in the bonfire for a pilot light, it is a fact of later stage love (and aging/changing bodies) that frequency of sex fades.
When I told a close friend that I was going to write a book, he assumed if it would be a book of erotica. Shocking, hopefully, for most readers, but when I told another close personal confidant about this supposition I got this matter-of-fact reaction: “of course, that's what anyone who knows you would say.” Sex is a favorite topic of mine, and I enjoy sharing and hearing details. For a while, I was the one who fed juicy stories to my friends. That well dried up when I got married. As fitting the sanctity of marriage, I set boundaries on blabbing. Never appropriate for the professional persona, I discern between wanton voyeurism and all important education, honesty and openness. Sexuality is human, a universal life theme. I strongly maintain that sex is sacred, even when it is sad or bad or kinky or gay or short or solo. [Sex is not sacred when it is scary, coerced and abusive.]
CHANGE
The truth is that kids change everything. It is a platitude, I know, but it is the truth. In my case, my marriage never existed without kids. I dated a daddy-daughter combo; immediately we were a not-yet family unit. Once we were all living together we discovered her hidden talent – sex radar. The second that we started kissing, she would cry out from her room awake. Sex-dar! - not for sale. The only ever blessing of the every other weekend custody arrangement was those early relationship weekends in bed without the sex alarm sounding. Life re-arranged, now in my perfect world all of our children would always be under our roof, ready to climb into bed for morning tickles.
Clearly with children it is not only how our bodies change, though that is a key point. My pregnancy was far from typical if there is such a thing. Speaking generally, pregnancy changes every cell of the body. Nothing is spared. Hormones are powerful drugs and growing another being inside your body is radical (not to mention growing three babies at once!). Delivery brings other changes, both typers -vaginal and cesarean. I wouldn't doubt if adoptive mothers and mothers by surrogacy have their own experience of physical changes when they become mothers. Mothering, all parenting, is an extreme sport.
When I say everything changes, I mean everything. Nerve ending rearrange themselves, breasts change colors and sizes, muscles tighten that are supposed to loosen and loosen that are supposed to tighten. Taste buds transform, nourishment triggers vomiting, vegetarians crave meat. Bodies with perpetually cold fingers, nose and toes can suddenly heat an entire house. Emotions become exagerated, sensitivities super-size.
I didn't always recognize myself. I don't recognize myself in women who say they went through pregnancy with no changes at all in lifestyle, then gave away their maternity jeans the day after delivery, God bless them. One day, or night, or afternoon- months after giving birth, I attempted to have sex. That's when I realized that my clitoris had moved. Yes, my anatomy was rearranged! Quite disturbing to discover my body had become completely alien. Moments like those, its so nice to be so sleep deprived with three babies needing your boobs for sustenance. Nature's way of compensating. No time or energy to ponder the freak show that is me in the moment.
GODDESS*
Yet another part of the owner's manual for women's body that they didn't give to us in middle school sex ed. Think of the bump you get from walking into a wall and imagine the swelling you'd have if a head burst through your groin. Ah, yes, the birth canal, that is not a separate accessory loaned to you for the event, it is your very own one and only vagina. Stretched beyond her limit, engorged with blood flow, she swells beyond recognition to bring forth new life.
I saw a Goddess in my first sight of a woman naked and swollen after child birth. A sight before unseen by me, this was surely the body of God. Yes, creation is an act of godliness and childbirth is an act of Goddessness. The Goddess body surely but slowly (days, months, years) morphs back into a semblance of the pre-mother woman, with the woman always retaining the primordial woman Goddessness. “God was in this place, and I did not know.” Every physical sensation is a source for spiritual awareness, every body breathes soul, every moment we hold the holy in our hands. The rawness of it, also found in sex, and the sweetness of it, also found in sensuality, are not exclusive to this experience.
The point is that passion is divine. Physical fire fuels the entry level of soul work. The intense heat is a furnace of spiritual refinement. It was hot in that desert while we walked and sweated to the oldies. Hard work building and shlepping the tabernacle. The sun so hot it baked matzoh on our backs as we fled slavery for the promise of freedom, with each step getting closer to the light of revelation. Accessing your passion, your heat, your light, your fire is your own dance of freedom. Feel the fire that fuels you, let yourself get sticky and sweaty from the heat, enjoy the fun all for the sake of finding the Goddess within.
Today is the 33rd day of the Omer, that is 4 weeks and 5 days. Today is the celebration of Lag B'Omer, marked by bonfires and wild celebration. Fire and freedom, divine purpose and passion .
Practice:
-Get those inner fires burning. Dance until you drip from sweat – alone in your home, with a friend, lover or child. Or take your dancing out to a community Lag B'Omer celebration. An alternate physical practice is a yoga practice focusing on the lower abs.
Consider a burning ritual. If there were a safe bonfire for you, what items would you offer up? You can set your intention for letting go and moving towards freedom (burn that letter from your ex) or for celebrating your passionate dreams (burn a letter to yourself or to God that describes the person you aspire to be, your big dreams. Write as if, i.e. “I am happy, joyous and free”, “I am successful in business and in love with my wife.”)
*Please note that my use of Goddess here illuminates the female face of God and does not mean that I believe in anything but One Unified God. Questions welcome as always.
Friday, April 30, 2010
32 - Laughter
I had the funniest conversation yesterday in which I was trying to help a mom figure out what day her child was born. There's not a trick here, like her child was adopted from an orphanage that didn't keep records. This mom gave birth to her little girl. Still, a woman in childbirth isn't so focused on knowing the actual time. She, and anyone else in right mind, only cares about getting that baby out of her body alive into the world. And I don't know the details of this particular birth story except that she was born at the end of the day close to sunset.
The Jewish calendar changes days at nightfall. That's why Shabbat and holidays begin one evening and continue through to the next: “there was evening then where was morning, Day One”. It's right there in Genesis with the creation of the world, there's no playing with it. A questionable birth day may occur when a baby is born right around sunset, so the minute of the hour is an important determining detail. And then we must clarity how to define the moment of birth. In the hospital they probably check the clock once the doctor/nurse/midwife is holding the baby in her arms, maybe after making sure the little one doesn't need any emergency care. That's not the Jewish way.
The classic go-to case for understanding this differentiates when the child becomes its own separate living being apart from the mother's body. With my toddler sticking her head under my shirt to calm herself these days, I wonder if I will ever be able to think of my children separate from my body. Aside from my mommy psychology, there is no question about when they were lifted out of my body. In the case of a c-section, the whole baby comes out at once. In my case, baby followed a minute later by another baby, and a minute later by another baby. If those minutes are split around 12 pm, the children would have different birthdays. If they were split around sunset, they might have different Jewish birth dates. In my case, there was no question, if there was a window in the Operating Room we would see was broad daylight.
Lehavdil, to make a separation in topics, the Jewish moment of birth is actually determined by a scenario where the woman's life is at imminent risk. To live we try to ignore the fragility of life, yet we all know the truth that life is fragile and that babies are not independent human beings in the womb. And more, survival is never certain. Judaism teaches us best how to save lives and protect life. The highest mitzvah is to save a life, and to do so we must be able to define life (and death too). We need guidance on how to decide who takes precedence in this horrific life and death situation. In ancient times our sages saw much more of this; thankfully we can now reasonably expect to live through childbirth and go home with our babies. According to Jewish belief, until the child is born, if only one could survive, the woman's life is the one. I know this is so hard to ponder, and nothing you want to ever consider. Some of you know this all too well, having experienced miscarriages, stillbirths, and near-fatal child birth. I hold you in my heart and pray for continued comfort for your unthinkable losses.
The moment of birth according to Jewish law is when the head comes out, when the baby is mostly and nearly out of the womb, ready to take her first breath. This can be minutes or more before it gets written for the birth certificate. The moment of birth is different from when the moment a woman becomes a mom, or when a man becomes a father. That life changing instant could have been when the woman gave birth to her first child, and several babies later and the actual minute doesn't matter to her. A woman may become a mother through adoption or surrogacy, or when she becomes married to someone with children. Same for men.
So we were laughing, because it certainly seems like time of birth is a detail of your child's life that you wouldn't forget. But would you even know it in the first place unless someone shouted it out or wrote it down for you? Or both? The thing is that Jewish teaching is quite instructive here. During labor, while anticipating the birth, the experience is so deep and intense that we replay it from our own perspective, see it with our own lens. Adoption stories too are the parent's story until the child joins the family. Only, and not until the baby takes that first breath do we record and retell her life story. (Of course adopted children's stories also begin with their first breath.) And as all parents know, from that point on its all about baby and the laughter she creates.
Mothers' Day is approaching and I think about all the laughter and smiles and joy I have been blessed with as a mom from my four children. From the moment I became an s-mom, to the moment I became a bio mom, to this moment of reflection, the laughter is possibly my most special and treasured gift. I laugh at poop on the walls, I laugh when I hear their first real laughter, I laugh when I see them dress up, when I see their mischief. Laughter is a great gift and certainly the sound of godliness.
Tonight at sunset will begin the 32nd night of the Omer. That is 4 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. Shabbat Shalom.
Practice: Let yourself laugh. Find a way to provoke laughter with memories, childlike silliness or inspiration from the world of comedy.
On the horizon: Saturday night and Sunday is Lag B'Omer, a special day celebrated in Israel with bonfires. Look for community celebrations in your area!
The Jewish calendar changes days at nightfall. That's why Shabbat and holidays begin one evening and continue through to the next: “there was evening then where was morning, Day One”. It's right there in Genesis with the creation of the world, there's no playing with it. A questionable birth day may occur when a baby is born right around sunset, so the minute of the hour is an important determining detail. And then we must clarity how to define the moment of birth. In the hospital they probably check the clock once the doctor/nurse/midwife is holding the baby in her arms, maybe after making sure the little one doesn't need any emergency care. That's not the Jewish way.
The classic go-to case for understanding this differentiates when the child becomes its own separate living being apart from the mother's body. With my toddler sticking her head under my shirt to calm herself these days, I wonder if I will ever be able to think of my children separate from my body. Aside from my mommy psychology, there is no question about when they were lifted out of my body. In the case of a c-section, the whole baby comes out at once. In my case, baby followed a minute later by another baby, and a minute later by another baby. If those minutes are split around 12 pm, the children would have different birthdays. If they were split around sunset, they might have different Jewish birth dates. In my case, there was no question, if there was a window in the Operating Room we would see was broad daylight.
Lehavdil, to make a separation in topics, the Jewish moment of birth is actually determined by a scenario where the woman's life is at imminent risk. To live we try to ignore the fragility of life, yet we all know the truth that life is fragile and that babies are not independent human beings in the womb. And more, survival is never certain. Judaism teaches us best how to save lives and protect life. The highest mitzvah is to save a life, and to do so we must be able to define life (and death too). We need guidance on how to decide who takes precedence in this horrific life and death situation. In ancient times our sages saw much more of this; thankfully we can now reasonably expect to live through childbirth and go home with our babies. According to Jewish belief, until the child is born, if only one could survive, the woman's life is the one. I know this is so hard to ponder, and nothing you want to ever consider. Some of you know this all too well, having experienced miscarriages, stillbirths, and near-fatal child birth. I hold you in my heart and pray for continued comfort for your unthinkable losses.
The moment of birth according to Jewish law is when the head comes out, when the baby is mostly and nearly out of the womb, ready to take her first breath. This can be minutes or more before it gets written for the birth certificate. The moment of birth is different from when the moment a woman becomes a mom, or when a man becomes a father. That life changing instant could have been when the woman gave birth to her first child, and several babies later and the actual minute doesn't matter to her. A woman may become a mother through adoption or surrogacy, or when she becomes married to someone with children. Same for men.
So we were laughing, because it certainly seems like time of birth is a detail of your child's life that you wouldn't forget. But would you even know it in the first place unless someone shouted it out or wrote it down for you? Or both? The thing is that Jewish teaching is quite instructive here. During labor, while anticipating the birth, the experience is so deep and intense that we replay it from our own perspective, see it with our own lens. Adoption stories too are the parent's story until the child joins the family. Only, and not until the baby takes that first breath do we record and retell her life story. (Of course adopted children's stories also begin with their first breath.) And as all parents know, from that point on its all about baby and the laughter she creates.
Mothers' Day is approaching and I think about all the laughter and smiles and joy I have been blessed with as a mom from my four children. From the moment I became an s-mom, to the moment I became a bio mom, to this moment of reflection, the laughter is possibly my most special and treasured gift. I laugh at poop on the walls, I laugh when I hear their first real laughter, I laugh when I see them dress up, when I see their mischief. Laughter is a great gift and certainly the sound of godliness.
Tonight at sunset will begin the 32nd night of the Omer. That is 4 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. Shabbat Shalom.
Practice: Let yourself laugh. Find a way to provoke laughter with memories, childlike silliness or inspiration from the world of comedy.
On the horizon: Saturday night and Sunday is Lag B'Omer, a special day celebrated in Israel with bonfires. Look for community celebrations in your area!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
31 - Just Ask
Not only did I bring a fantastic organic chocolate bar as a preemptive thank you, I arranged for someone to get a new monitor and mouse for her sucky synagogue workstation after I borrowed her computer at lunch hour. Long story, but I needed to use a program that is sadly not supported by my shiny new iMac. Her computer was painful. The monitor was dull and angled down as if it was hanging its head in shame. The mouse was sticky and attached with a cord that was pretty tightly thread through a gap in the workstation. My edits could have been completed in half the time with a fully functioning mouse and an easy to see screen. I can't imagine how it muddles up her productivity not to mention her sanity and why an employer would have her suffer so. When asked, she told me that she is also unhappy with it, and commented that she never thought to ask for a change. On my way out, I told one of the administrators about this situation. Instead of giving backlash, the response was an easy “sure, I'll take care of it, have her call me.” The budget was in place, and the only action needed was an ask. What a rush I felt.
For the second time in one week I referred to the book title Ask for It, and the statistic I learned that for every one time a woman asks for something (a raise, a benefit, a coffee, a day off, etc.) a man asks four times. And with all the even modest raises and gives multiplied by four and extended over a career, the inequity between a man and woman is in the millions of dollars. Seriously. A mid-level woman can lose millions of dollars to her male colleague who quickly surpasses her in position and salary just because they (have the confidence to..., are raised to...,think to..., don't hesitate to...) ask.
Which leads to the title of the next book by the same authors, Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, Women Don't Ask. Why don't women ask? They don't know they can, they don't think they will get it, the thought of asking is frightening or paralyzing.
Years of feminist reading and thought, college classes and even a concentration in Jewish Women's Studies in Rabbinical school, and I never learned about this until at a conference for female rabbis last November. It was then that the puzzle of my career started piecing itself together. I remembered being so angry that my male colleague suddenly had a discretionary fund, and I, his equal, had none. Not once did I think that he just asked for it, and I didn't ask– not even after his showed up in the synagogue bulletin. I felt that I deserved it and that the higher-ups should have just recognized it and made it happen for me, too; and in my mind the colleague was at fault too. And now, I'm thinking about how it adversely affected the relationship with my colleague when I should mourn a long line of lost funds and advancement opportunities. Both issues are such a shame, shanda, it would have been such a different experience. My line of thinking is proven in research to be exactly in line with the majority of women in the workplace, maybe at home too. The reasons women think this way and act this way are an interesting psychological, sociological, cultural, societal complexity. The solution is simple, a perspective shift and summoning the stamina to start asking, four times more often and for much more than we'd be inclined to ask. This lesson is invaluable.
For lots of girls, asking feels selfish. The expectation is that we give, that we take care of others, not for financial earnings, just for the emotional closeness of the relationship, downplaying the real world value of our talents.
There's a lot to say about this false sense of generosity. We don't build ourselves up by counting ways in which we sacrificed ourselves to help others. Life isn't a martyr competition, that's not the point. “Nice girls don’t ask, but smart women do," Lois Frankel writes, "Ask for It provides the tangible tools and tips you need to get your fair share of the raises, promotions, and perks you’ve earned–and deserve.” Though we may be extreme helpers in a self-negating way, it is not pure as giving from a position of fullness. Financial compensation and benefits are earned in the exchange of energy; they add to our fullness with recognition of our professional gifts. Earnings are not a random reward, especially when packages awarded are determined based on our requests. The health of both the helper and helpee benefit from giving from fullness.
Generosity is a state of heart, to give with an open heart we have to be open to readily receive. It's a way of being, like breathing. The divine breath of life is given, inhale, we hold it, send it out with faith, watch it there, breath it in fully once again. To be truly generous, we must be generous with ourselves in expecting to breath in only the fullest recognition and compensation for our work. Only then can we send it out in service.
Today is the 31st day of the Omer, 4 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
To do: check out the Ask For It and Women Don't Ask websites. What are you asking for? What could you ask for? Why not? What asking opportunities have passed by? What asking opportunities will you grab to fuel your generosity?
For the second time in one week I referred to the book title Ask for It, and the statistic I learned that for every one time a woman asks for something (a raise, a benefit, a coffee, a day off, etc.) a man asks four times. And with all the even modest raises and gives multiplied by four and extended over a career, the inequity between a man and woman is in the millions of dollars. Seriously. A mid-level woman can lose millions of dollars to her male colleague who quickly surpasses her in position and salary just because they (have the confidence to..., are raised to...,think to..., don't hesitate to...) ask.
Which leads to the title of the next book by the same authors, Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, Women Don't Ask. Why don't women ask? They don't know they can, they don't think they will get it, the thought of asking is frightening or paralyzing.
Years of feminist reading and thought, college classes and even a concentration in Jewish Women's Studies in Rabbinical school, and I never learned about this until at a conference for female rabbis last November. It was then that the puzzle of my career started piecing itself together. I remembered being so angry that my male colleague suddenly had a discretionary fund, and I, his equal, had none. Not once did I think that he just asked for it, and I didn't ask– not even after his showed up in the synagogue bulletin. I felt that I deserved it and that the higher-ups should have just recognized it and made it happen for me, too; and in my mind the colleague was at fault too. And now, I'm thinking about how it adversely affected the relationship with my colleague when I should mourn a long line of lost funds and advancement opportunities. Both issues are such a shame, shanda, it would have been such a different experience. My line of thinking is proven in research to be exactly in line with the majority of women in the workplace, maybe at home too. The reasons women think this way and act this way are an interesting psychological, sociological, cultural, societal complexity. The solution is simple, a perspective shift and summoning the stamina to start asking, four times more often and for much more than we'd be inclined to ask. This lesson is invaluable.
For lots of girls, asking feels selfish. The expectation is that we give, that we take care of others, not for financial earnings, just for the emotional closeness of the relationship, downplaying the real world value of our talents.
There's a lot to say about this false sense of generosity. We don't build ourselves up by counting ways in which we sacrificed ourselves to help others. Life isn't a martyr competition, that's not the point. “Nice girls don’t ask, but smart women do," Lois Frankel writes, "Ask for It provides the tangible tools and tips you need to get your fair share of the raises, promotions, and perks you’ve earned–and deserve.” Though we may be extreme helpers in a self-negating way, it is not pure as giving from a position of fullness. Financial compensation and benefits are earned in the exchange of energy; they add to our fullness with recognition of our professional gifts. Earnings are not a random reward, especially when packages awarded are determined based on our requests. The health of both the helper and helpee benefit from giving from fullness.
Generosity is a state of heart, to give with an open heart we have to be open to readily receive. It's a way of being, like breathing. The divine breath of life is given, inhale, we hold it, send it out with faith, watch it there, breath it in fully once again. To be truly generous, we must be generous with ourselves in expecting to breath in only the fullest recognition and compensation for our work. Only then can we send it out in service.
Today is the 31st day of the Omer, 4 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
To do: check out the Ask For It and Women Don't Ask websites. What are you asking for? What could you ask for? Why not? What asking opportunities have passed by? What asking opportunities will you grab to fuel your generosity?
30 - Naming Names
What stressed them out was a soulful exercise for me. How I named three children all at once was a subject of fascination to many people. Without knowing the genders of each of the trio, those who struggled to decide on one girl name and one boy name couldn't fathom how we could figure out how to settle on names for the possible gender combinations: 2 boys, 1 girl; 1 girl, 2 boys; 3 boys; 3 girls; first names, middle names. People were so curious about my techniques.
I am an expert in naming babies. As a rabbi I have the honor of helping others select names for their children. Even before I ever became a parent I named many children. And since I've given birth to three children I have named many more. Sometimes I am consulted in advance; usually I enter the process in preparation for a baby naming ceremony. Rarely do the parents come to me with a Hebrew name for their child. They turn to me for methods and suggestions.
People go online and find names that are supposedly Hebrew with no actual linguistic connection to Hebrew. People find names in books that would make Israeli's laugh. There are Biblical names, modern Hebrew names, and Yiddish names. There are traditions, some more influential than others, and guidelines that vary from community to community.
Most ubiquitous is the Ashkenazic custom of naming a child in memory of a loved one lost. It's always helpful when the parents know the relative's Hebrew name. Most times, they have to do some research. With Yiddish dialects, nicknames, distant memories and no documents to confirm, finding out an actual Hebrew name can be challenging. Knowing the names is also quite crucial for the ketubah, wedding contract, for an aliyah to the Torah, for a Jewish divorce document (Get), for a grave stone.
Any and all of these written sources can be used to find Hebrew names to keep in the family. Still, it is rare that a baby receive the same exact Hebrew name as her deceased relative. We may use the Hebrew basis of a Yiddish name, the feminine of a man's name, or the masculine of a woman's name. A popular technique is using the same first letter, so Yisroel becomes Yaniv, Rachel becomes Ronit, Elizabeth becomes Elisheva. Another method I like is finding another name with the same meaning as the relative's name; this is especially helpful when the Hebrew name is totally untraceable and we use the English name to translate into a Hebrew form.
Selecting a name is a significant task, one that will be with our children forever and ever, and be in our family l'dor vador, from one generation to another. Announcing the name and bestowing it upon the child is a powerful ritual. Both are huge honors for me, explaining why I became an expert in this ritual area?
The Lion King captured it perfectly when daddy whispered baby cub's name to him, then Lion King Mufasa held up baby Simba, the future Lion King for all the kingdom to see. That is the personal and public significance of the Brit/Covenant ceremony, both for boys in Brit Milah and for girls in Brit Bat. Simba was welcomed into the Circle of Life, and Jewish babies are welcomed into the the Covenant of Israel, that holds sacred the Tree of Life, Torah teaching.
Brit ceremonies are one of my favorites; I'm excited for my second one of the season this Sunday! (Since naming ceremonies for girls aren't commanded to be on the eighth day like a Brit Milah for a boy, parents often delay the Brit Bat until a convenient time. And voila, I usually have summer Sundays booked fun with Brit Bat ceremonies!)
I have a knack for naming. As always, I aim to help people be true to themselves. Its a matter of style. We name our children the same way we present ourselves with clothing, hair, makeup and accessories. All an expression of our true selves, we strive to match each new soul with the name that best represents her shechinah self. With all the careful consideration in selecting a child's name, the ritual must match the intention in intensity. In this sacred naming of a baby, child, or even an adult Jew-By-Choice, we welcome a new soul into our family, community, covenant and world with blessing, great pride and joy. The ceremoniousness of the ceremony is fitting to the precious purpose.
Today is day 30 of the Omer, which is 4 weeks and 2 days of the Omer.
For consideration: what are your names? English, Hebrew. First, middle, last, daughter/son of.... What name do you call yourself? What name does God call you? Who and what have you named? How did you select those names and do they fit the soul of the being? If you were to name your self right now, how would you decide?
apologies: I missed a few nights! I am sorry that I couldn't keep up my writing commitment this week. I hope to fill in the missing days, so look out for out-of-order numbers.
I am an expert in naming babies. As a rabbi I have the honor of helping others select names for their children. Even before I ever became a parent I named many children. And since I've given birth to three children I have named many more. Sometimes I am consulted in advance; usually I enter the process in preparation for a baby naming ceremony. Rarely do the parents come to me with a Hebrew name for their child. They turn to me for methods and suggestions.
People go online and find names that are supposedly Hebrew with no actual linguistic connection to Hebrew. People find names in books that would make Israeli's laugh. There are Biblical names, modern Hebrew names, and Yiddish names. There are traditions, some more influential than others, and guidelines that vary from community to community.
Most ubiquitous is the Ashkenazic custom of naming a child in memory of a loved one lost. It's always helpful when the parents know the relative's Hebrew name. Most times, they have to do some research. With Yiddish dialects, nicknames, distant memories and no documents to confirm, finding out an actual Hebrew name can be challenging. Knowing the names is also quite crucial for the ketubah, wedding contract, for an aliyah to the Torah, for a Jewish divorce document (Get), for a grave stone.
Any and all of these written sources can be used to find Hebrew names to keep in the family. Still, it is rare that a baby receive the same exact Hebrew name as her deceased relative. We may use the Hebrew basis of a Yiddish name, the feminine of a man's name, or the masculine of a woman's name. A popular technique is using the same first letter, so Yisroel becomes Yaniv, Rachel becomes Ronit, Elizabeth becomes Elisheva. Another method I like is finding another name with the same meaning as the relative's name; this is especially helpful when the Hebrew name is totally untraceable and we use the English name to translate into a Hebrew form.
Selecting a name is a significant task, one that will be with our children forever and ever, and be in our family l'dor vador, from one generation to another. Announcing the name and bestowing it upon the child is a powerful ritual. Both are huge honors for me, explaining why I became an expert in this ritual area?
The Lion King captured it perfectly when daddy whispered baby cub's name to him, then Lion King Mufasa held up baby Simba, the future Lion King for all the kingdom to see. That is the personal and public significance of the Brit/Covenant ceremony, both for boys in Brit Milah and for girls in Brit Bat. Simba was welcomed into the Circle of Life, and Jewish babies are welcomed into the the Covenant of Israel, that holds sacred the Tree of Life, Torah teaching.
Brit ceremonies are one of my favorites; I'm excited for my second one of the season this Sunday! (Since naming ceremonies for girls aren't commanded to be on the eighth day like a Brit Milah for a boy, parents often delay the Brit Bat until a convenient time. And voila, I usually have summer Sundays booked fun with Brit Bat ceremonies!)
I have a knack for naming. As always, I aim to help people be true to themselves. Its a matter of style. We name our children the same way we present ourselves with clothing, hair, makeup and accessories. All an expression of our true selves, we strive to match each new soul with the name that best represents her shechinah self. With all the careful consideration in selecting a child's name, the ritual must match the intention in intensity. In this sacred naming of a baby, child, or even an adult Jew-By-Choice, we welcome a new soul into our family, community, covenant and world with blessing, great pride and joy. The ceremoniousness of the ceremony is fitting to the precious purpose.
Today is day 30 of the Omer, which is 4 weeks and 2 days of the Omer.
For consideration: what are your names? English, Hebrew. First, middle, last, daughter/son of.... What name do you call yourself? What name does God call you? Who and what have you named? How did you select those names and do they fit the soul of the being? If you were to name your self right now, how would you decide?
apologies: I missed a few nights! I am sorry that I couldn't keep up my writing commitment this week. I hope to fill in the missing days, so look out for out-of-order numbers.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
27 Bound Together
From five months back:
Somehow my triplets playing together this morning evoked a reenactment of my pregnancy experience. Last night before bed they were playing with the wooden step stools that have wooden cutouts of their names. After I put the girls in their cribs I cleaned up all the letters and spelled each girl's name as I placed it in their individual step stool. In the morning each girl wiggled out of my arms even before I could place her on the changing table. Diapers heavy they scrambled to the stools next to each crib and began working like bumble bees, buzz buzz buzzing. While they occupied themselves playing I layed my tired self down on the twin bed in their room and watched. Suddenly the letters for all three names were in one big pile on the zebra rug. I felt them all jumbled, as if the girls were symbolically showing me that they are one interconnected unit. My womb recalled the feeling of holding all three bodies within, feeling them entangled in my tummy dormitory.
The Torah teaches that in the beginning the world was created with word. God decided to create this world and formed it with words. Words formed with letters. These letters, the English spelling of Hebrew names, formed my children: Hallel, Emunah and Noam. We only chose the names after they were born. I matched the names to the identity of their souls. Until they were born I had only seen and heard their bodies through ultrasound images. You may not understand this, but I had known their souls for so much longer since they appeared to me in a vision years earlier. And I talked to them and told them that I was ready for them, waiting for them, creating a safe place for them, keeping them safe, giving them everything they needed to grow into healthy babies including and most especially deep love.
The letters tossed around in this womb of a pile on the nursery floor spell three words that are in the language of prayer – both the Hebrew language and the words in Jewish liturgy. Hebrew names born of spiritual DNA. Hallel means praise, the expression of gratitude I felt when a live baby came forth from my womb. The sound of song that we had passed each of the crucial points in the formation of these triplets. Hallel-uyah! She is here, her first inhale embodying the sweet soul who was meant to join our family. Emunah means faith, the trust that we grasped while monitoring the baby who appeared much smaller than her triplet siblings, the little one who was already fighting for her share of nutrients. She was actually born the same size as her younger sister yet an irregular heartbeat would immediately confirm that she is the soul who would instruct us in faith. Amen (meaning “I believe and affirm” ) comes from the same Hebrew root as Emunah. Yes, she affirms our faith with her resilience!Noam means beauty, the kind of gorgeous pleasantness that inspires a deep breath. Finally an exhale, my exhale, my husband's exale, the our parents, siblings, friends, doctors everyone in our world finally smiling and crying and breathing because our three babies, three girls, are alive, breathing on their own, safely outside my womb.
In the last 17 months I have witnessed these tiny babies grow from a total of 9 pounds 14 ounces to a total of 65 pounds. I've spent nearly every second of their lives with them, my sweet souls. I nursed them. I pureed their organic food. I introduced nutritious eating. I nourished their growth. They are fraternal, and they each have different hair colors, different eye colors, and different builds. Their voices are different, their smiles different, their developmental milestones different. I can identify them by the touch of their skin, the feel of their fingers, their bite and the smell of their diapers. They certainly are individual souls in unique bodies. And yet, by mixing up their letters they reminded me that they are a unit. They affirmed my experience of holding them within me and guarding their lives quite literally with my life. Their souls are bound together and they only know life in the context and presence, breath and feel of the triplet unit. Today they reminded me of the blessing of being bound up together from the beginning, not only their three souls, but mine too.
Written in the deep of December 2009 © Heather Altman
Three reasons that I'm publishing previously written material today: 1) convo w/ friend reminded me that my biggest baby was 26 pounds at her last visit; today=26th day of the omer. Assuming that she has gained a pound, she now fits in with tonight's/today's number. 2)Now I watch the girls hold hands and dance in a circle together. What a sight that is, them interacting so deliberately. 3) Realized that I'm can't write fresh tonight, decided it would be better to share one of my favorite pieces, one of my first articulate essays that built some confidence for the OOCC project.
Today is the 27th day of the Omer, which is 3 weeks and 6 days.
Re-counting is a spiritual practice. Especially in challenging times, remember back to past lessons and moments of meaning.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
26 Count Out Loud
Some people have to count out loud to process what they know or see to be true. For example, the walkers-by noticing my triplets who count aloud “one – two – three – there are three of them!” For more on funny reactions we encounter every day watch this video.
Setting the table often requires several verbal re-counts of bodies just to be sure, even when I know the guest list in advance. Setting the table or preparing the home for quests is a metaphor often used for Spiritual Direction. One of my spiritual director's considered herself an accompanist for her directees. Silent contemplation is an importance piece of spiritual direction; like Shabbat, it is the pause that contrasts with the music of our souls, the speaking words that bring us into awareness of God's precense, or the soul stirring within.
I like that speaking out loud is a Jewish spiritual practice. When I find myself talking out loud I normalize it within the spiritual teachings Jewish meditation and prayer. With the omer, silent counting isn't proper and counting before the change of day is not effective; it must be after sunset on the new day (at nighttime in accordance with way Jewish 'days' begin and end at night) and out loud. And we don't just say the number. We say the blessing, the number of days, then how many weeks and days. After that, why wouldn't we just keep talking till we find a spiritual lesson, kind of like I am writing my reflections here?
Hitbodedut is the spiritual practice of being alone with God, often in nature at night, and pouring one's heart out with words. Access to the heart of the matter isn't instantaneous, so Rebbe Nahman of Bratslav teaches that you just open your mouth and start talking. You keep talking and talking and eventually you get to whatever it is that you need to say and express from your heart. You could start with “this is so silly, me standing here alone, talking out loud. For what? Who am I talking to? Do I even believe in God? Is anyone listening? God has never answered me before so what's the point? ...But it is beautiful out here. And quiet. And something is special about it.” Keep going. You start with where ever you are, whatever is on your mind. Keep it simple, as if conversing with a trusted friend, flowing from one topic to the next. What may start as awkward become quite enjoyable and enriching.
Noticing what is moving in one's life, where the heart is tugging, how you are being transformed, getting curious about the seeking of your soul, these are found in the sacred silence of Spiritual Direction, and also in the sound of conversations with ourselves, with nature, with God. Omer counting is a deliberate following of the soul's journey over 49 days, from bondage to revelation. Sound and language merge levels of creation and connect the physical realm of creation and building with our mental and spiritual processes. Counting aloud helps move the intent from inner to outer, through the vehicle of voice, of body. In silence we can hide from truth, with mouths open we speak, we hear, we listen, we hone our expression more and more to truth and reality. Say it ain't so, say it, speak it, sing it!
Aloud: Today is the 26th day of the Omer, 3 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Continue with some hitbodedut. If it helps to get the flow going with your voice, play your favorite music and sing along with abandon. Find a place alone (safe of course), set your intention to speak with your Creator (the God of your understanding) and start talking. Let yourself move from one topic to the next, trying to be honest, explaining yourself, your thoughts, asking questions, arguing, thanking... everything. When you're done, sit in silence to reflect. And consider sharing a bit about your experience here.
Setting the table often requires several verbal re-counts of bodies just to be sure, even when I know the guest list in advance. Setting the table or preparing the home for quests is a metaphor often used for Spiritual Direction. One of my spiritual director's considered herself an accompanist for her directees. Silent contemplation is an importance piece of spiritual direction; like Shabbat, it is the pause that contrasts with the music of our souls, the speaking words that bring us into awareness of God's precense, or the soul stirring within.
I like that speaking out loud is a Jewish spiritual practice. When I find myself talking out loud I normalize it within the spiritual teachings Jewish meditation and prayer. With the omer, silent counting isn't proper and counting before the change of day is not effective; it must be after sunset on the new day (at nighttime in accordance with way Jewish 'days' begin and end at night) and out loud. And we don't just say the number. We say the blessing, the number of days, then how many weeks and days. After that, why wouldn't we just keep talking till we find a spiritual lesson, kind of like I am writing my reflections here?
Hitbodedut is the spiritual practice of being alone with God, often in nature at night, and pouring one's heart out with words. Access to the heart of the matter isn't instantaneous, so Rebbe Nahman of Bratslav teaches that you just open your mouth and start talking. You keep talking and talking and eventually you get to whatever it is that you need to say and express from your heart. You could start with “this is so silly, me standing here alone, talking out loud. For what? Who am I talking to? Do I even believe in God? Is anyone listening? God has never answered me before so what's the point? ...But it is beautiful out here. And quiet. And something is special about it.” Keep going. You start with where ever you are, whatever is on your mind. Keep it simple, as if conversing with a trusted friend, flowing from one topic to the next. What may start as awkward become quite enjoyable and enriching.
Noticing what is moving in one's life, where the heart is tugging, how you are being transformed, getting curious about the seeking of your soul, these are found in the sacred silence of Spiritual Direction, and also in the sound of conversations with ourselves, with nature, with God. Omer counting is a deliberate following of the soul's journey over 49 days, from bondage to revelation. Sound and language merge levels of creation and connect the physical realm of creation and building with our mental and spiritual processes. Counting aloud helps move the intent from inner to outer, through the vehicle of voice, of body. In silence we can hide from truth, with mouths open we speak, we hear, we listen, we hone our expression more and more to truth and reality. Say it ain't so, say it, speak it, sing it!
Aloud: Today is the 26th day of the Omer, 3 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Continue with some hitbodedut. If it helps to get the flow going with your voice, play your favorite music and sing along with abandon. Find a place alone (safe of course), set your intention to speak with your Creator (the God of your understanding) and start talking. Let yourself move from one topic to the next, trying to be honest, explaining yourself, your thoughts, asking questions, arguing, thanking... everything. When you're done, sit in silence to reflect. And consider sharing a bit about your experience here.
Friday, April 23, 2010
25 Half Measures
My ex used to often come home and tell me that he thought about buying me flowers, as if the mere thought should score him points. That intention isn't worth anything unless there is follow through. It's not like the thought is half the action. No, the action doesn't count until it is complete.
There's a famous Biblical story about two women both claiming they are the mother of the same child. They bring it to the judge of the land to decide. When King Solomon suggests they just split the baby in half with a sword the true mother reveals herself by telling the judge to give the baby to the other woman. Half a baby is not a baby.
A halfway developed fetus is also not a baby; that is why Jewish law places a woman's life above the life a a fetus who is threatening the mother. Though the soul hovers near the fetus while it is in the womb, the soul enters with the first inhale, transforming the potential human life into a full and complete living and breathing baby.
Dangers threaten completion of pregnancies; reaching full term is nothing other than the fulfillment of a miracle. We don't have Jewish baby showers or announce names before birth (often even delaying until the Brit ceremony) because celebration is only fitting after the baby arrives. To expectant parents we say "b'sha'ah tova", may the baby come at a good time. To new parents we say mazal tov! The counting of gestation days is over, now we rejoice.
“Half measures availed us nothing.” In Alcoholics Anonymous, these words precede the 12 Steps and are read in nearly every meeting world wide. Chapter 5 begins “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” If you don't go into it all the way (“thoroughly”), you won't succeed. “Those who don't recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” Recovery requires going to any lengths, “We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.” There is a thin line between life and death, choosing life means turning over one's life and doing a searching and fearless inventory of every resentment and fear. It just can't be done with one foot in.
This week I told a friend with regrets about the four steps of teshuvah – recognizing the mistake, feeling remorse, resolving not to repeat the sin, and facing the same situation with a different response. These four steps partner with the need to ask for forgiveness, from the people we have harmed, from ourselves who we have hurt and from God who we have injured. Jewish wisdom here matches the recovery process, with steps that must be repeated again and again, all the way through the cycle, all throughout the day and year (not just on Yom Kippur). The alcoholic and addict who decides to skip Steps 7-12 is doomed. Half-measures. Step 11 demonstrates why 12 Step recovery and this particular omer counting community is a spiritual one:
11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Halfway through, today is day 25 out of 49 days of the omer. So what? Don't treat yourself to the half birthday cupcake. There's no silver star for finishing the first half, it doesn't count until we finish counting the whole. This is a personal practice, a daily opportunity to follow through on our dedication to a spiritual practice that activates a religious transformation. Go for the gold.
Lots can happen instantaneously! In prayer, a momentary moment of deep intention has the power to change the flow of divine blessings. True remorse felt through and through is more significant than days of self-pity tears or misguided acts of charity intended to balance the scales. In an instant the heart can turn in teshuvah (repentance) and hold the spiritual impact to turn a life around. The moment forgiveness pierces one's heart and soul a psychic-spiritual bond releases for good, forever. Personal practice over time is a primer that leads to the aha moments and spiritual revelations.
Today is just another day, another step towards standing in the light, receiving the love, illuminating the truth. One day at a time, this is how we lift our eyes towards standing at Sinai to greet God. Maybe we have no idea where this all is going, still we keep counting. Let's go all the way, each and every day.
Today is day 25 of the Omer, that is 3 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. This Shabbat posting was pre-scheduled.
Practice suggestions:
1.A time for checking in is quite valuable. What have your omer patterns been thus far? What feelings surround your practice? What does omer counting mean to you now? What learning gifts has it given you so far? How has your life changed in the past 3 weeks 4 days? What intentions do you hold for the remaining time? Have you identified a theme for yourself in where you are journeying from and to? What is moving in your soul? If nothing seems present, do you detect or yearn for an undercurrent of transformation?
2.Work on the 11th Step (its ok if you haven't worked 1 through 10 yet).
[11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
3.Resources
article: Beginning the 11th Step Practice of Quiet Time
meeting:12 Step Torah monthly in Chicago
experience:Netivot/Pathways Jewish contemplation, meditation, yoga, spiritual direction, with Rabbi Heather Altman in Chicago
Yoga of Recovery week in Big Sur, Yoga of Recovery weekly @ CITYOGA in Indianapolis, IN
There's a famous Biblical story about two women both claiming they are the mother of the same child. They bring it to the judge of the land to decide. When King Solomon suggests they just split the baby in half with a sword the true mother reveals herself by telling the judge to give the baby to the other woman. Half a baby is not a baby.
A halfway developed fetus is also not a baby; that is why Jewish law places a woman's life above the life a a fetus who is threatening the mother. Though the soul hovers near the fetus while it is in the womb, the soul enters with the first inhale, transforming the potential human life into a full and complete living and breathing baby.
Dangers threaten completion of pregnancies; reaching full term is nothing other than the fulfillment of a miracle. We don't have Jewish baby showers or announce names before birth (often even delaying until the Brit ceremony) because celebration is only fitting after the baby arrives. To expectant parents we say "b'sha'ah tova", may the baby come at a good time. To new parents we say mazal tov! The counting of gestation days is over, now we rejoice.
“Half measures availed us nothing.” In Alcoholics Anonymous, these words precede the 12 Steps and are read in nearly every meeting world wide. Chapter 5 begins “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” If you don't go into it all the way (“thoroughly”), you won't succeed. “Those who don't recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” Recovery requires going to any lengths, “We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.” There is a thin line between life and death, choosing life means turning over one's life and doing a searching and fearless inventory of every resentment and fear. It just can't be done with one foot in.
This week I told a friend with regrets about the four steps of teshuvah – recognizing the mistake, feeling remorse, resolving not to repeat the sin, and facing the same situation with a different response. These four steps partner with the need to ask for forgiveness, from the people we have harmed, from ourselves who we have hurt and from God who we have injured. Jewish wisdom here matches the recovery process, with steps that must be repeated again and again, all the way through the cycle, all throughout the day and year (not just on Yom Kippur). The alcoholic and addict who decides to skip Steps 7-12 is doomed. Half-measures. Step 11 demonstrates why 12 Step recovery and this particular omer counting community is a spiritual one:
11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Halfway through, today is day 25 out of 49 days of the omer. So what? Don't treat yourself to the half birthday cupcake. There's no silver star for finishing the first half, it doesn't count until we finish counting the whole. This is a personal practice, a daily opportunity to follow through on our dedication to a spiritual practice that activates a religious transformation. Go for the gold.
Lots can happen instantaneously! In prayer, a momentary moment of deep intention has the power to change the flow of divine blessings. True remorse felt through and through is more significant than days of self-pity tears or misguided acts of charity intended to balance the scales. In an instant the heart can turn in teshuvah (repentance) and hold the spiritual impact to turn a life around. The moment forgiveness pierces one's heart and soul a psychic-spiritual bond releases for good, forever. Personal practice over time is a primer that leads to the aha moments and spiritual revelations.
Today is just another day, another step towards standing in the light, receiving the love, illuminating the truth. One day at a time, this is how we lift our eyes towards standing at Sinai to greet God. Maybe we have no idea where this all is going, still we keep counting. Let's go all the way, each and every day.
Today is day 25 of the Omer, that is 3 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. This Shabbat posting was pre-scheduled.
Practice suggestions:
1.A time for checking in is quite valuable. What have your omer patterns been thus far? What feelings surround your practice? What does omer counting mean to you now? What learning gifts has it given you so far? How has your life changed in the past 3 weeks 4 days? What intentions do you hold for the remaining time? Have you identified a theme for yourself in where you are journeying from and to? What is moving in your soul? If nothing seems present, do you detect or yearn for an undercurrent of transformation?
2.Work on the 11th Step (its ok if you haven't worked 1 through 10 yet).
[11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
3.Resources
article: Beginning the 11th Step Practice of Quiet Time
meeting:12 Step Torah monthly in Chicago
experience:Netivot/Pathways Jewish contemplation, meditation, yoga, spiritual direction, with Rabbi Heather Altman in Chicago
Yoga of Recovery week in Big Sur, Yoga of Recovery weekly @ CITYOGA in Indianapolis, IN
Thursday, April 22, 2010
24 - beginning, middle, end
First an idyllic exploratorium in the Butterfly Haven. Three angelic girls wide eyed fluttering around brilliant butterflies, mesmerized by the small waterfall, reaching for water. Playing with laminated bird and butterfly guides, climbing up and down the bench, looking up, down all around at the flittering wings. Red-cheeked, their hair shiny and curly from tropical humidity, they were thrilled to be in this alternate universe. I was right there with them, enjoying the heat, the beauty and lushness and color. Felt like hours on end. End scene for the lovely part of the day.
First-time with butterflies, why? Because strollers aren't allowed in the haven, so its impossible for triplet babies to visit, since a one-on-one adult/baby ratio is a triplet parent's XXX fantasy. Finally all three are walkers, and visiting the flutter-by butterflies is a fitting celebration. What a proud momma chick I was with my little chicklets following behind. Ahem, leading the way. Errr, each moving their own way at times in three directions. Mostly though, the draw themselves together. Note that royalties for the term chicklets go to our adorable friend Mindele.
Mindele, whose parents are my go-to models for parenting reinforcement. Laid-back with the medical knowledge to make it super safe, they reassure me that I made the right choice skipping the ER after a little one was injured. And that was scene two today, watching a child in pain and fear with her fingers stuck in the elevator door. Ahh, but she fell asleep like a cherub on the way to the hospital, then sweetly refused to leave the red pleather couch in the lobby. She held my hand with her “injured” hand. Wary to pay $150 for an Emergency Room visit when it no longer seemed like an emergency, we walked to get late lunch while waiting for a return call from the doc. Orders for an x-ray seemed like a better approach. And wouldn't you know it, but my little lady grabbed that fork, wrapped her little slightly swollen fingers around it, and ate. Bye-bye-bye Lincoln Park, taxi us Uptown. End scene for the bad part of the day.
Managed to pull together a delicious dinner. Fed the family in two shifts, put children to bed, returned two business calls, counted the omer. End day.
Today is the 24th day of the omer, 3 weeks and 3 days of the omer.
For your thoughts: did today have a beginning, middle and end? How do you identify the beginning, middle and end?
First-time with butterflies, why? Because strollers aren't allowed in the haven, so its impossible for triplet babies to visit, since a one-on-one adult/baby ratio is a triplet parent's XXX fantasy. Finally all three are walkers, and visiting the flutter-by butterflies is a fitting celebration. What a proud momma chick I was with my little chicklets following behind. Ahem, leading the way. Errr, each moving their own way at times in three directions. Mostly though, the draw themselves together. Note that royalties for the term chicklets go to our adorable friend Mindele.
Mindele, whose parents are my go-to models for parenting reinforcement. Laid-back with the medical knowledge to make it super safe, they reassure me that I made the right choice skipping the ER after a little one was injured. And that was scene two today, watching a child in pain and fear with her fingers stuck in the elevator door. Ahh, but she fell asleep like a cherub on the way to the hospital, then sweetly refused to leave the red pleather couch in the lobby. She held my hand with her “injured” hand. Wary to pay $150 for an Emergency Room visit when it no longer seemed like an emergency, we walked to get late lunch while waiting for a return call from the doc. Orders for an x-ray seemed like a better approach. And wouldn't you know it, but my little lady grabbed that fork, wrapped her little slightly swollen fingers around it, and ate. Bye-bye-bye Lincoln Park, taxi us Uptown. End scene for the bad part of the day.
Managed to pull together a delicious dinner. Fed the family in two shifts, put children to bed, returned two business calls, counted the omer. End day.
Today is the 24th day of the omer, 3 weeks and 3 days of the omer.
For your thoughts: did today have a beginning, middle and end? How do you identify the beginning, middle and end?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
23 Truths for Today
23 Truths all about me today:
1.Just realized and admitted that my girls are ready for pre-school and need to start soon.
2.I am a great teacher. Last week I rode the waves with off-the-walls elementary school children and this week they were putty – well, almost. Best thing, they have been going around school sharing my Rav Yoga teachings with everyone in their Day School. Guess they were paying attention, while screaming, dancing and rumpusing!
3.I am a very patient person. Also not at all afraid to voice my expectations and request they be met.
4.Once again I walked up to strangers to insert myself in their conversation.
5.Once again they THANKED me for it.
6.I am a pioneer and expert in my chosen fields.
7.Today I was chemo buddy for my dad. Sat with him for the two hours we waited till they started his meds. Then I had to leave. To make it to class. Then I came back to pick him up.
8.Sometimes you can show up at work with your three kids and it won't cause any harm. Hmmm. won't press my luck.
9.I really need a full time babysitter.
10.I really want a full time job.
11.My passions and creativity are bursting at the seams.
12.I am calm, cool and collected. Teaching a class while my 22 month olds wander the classroom, no problemo.
13.I am a good learner. I listen and pay attention.
14.I am stubborn in the best ways.
15.I make mistakes. And then try to make better choices.
16.I forgive, sometimes too easily. It's not worth wasting my energy with anger or resentment. I move thru the stages quickly.
17.I try to do teshuvah in fast order too. When I hurt someone, I feel awful. Unless they hurt me really bad, then I feel they deserve it. But I try to stop the cycle and recognize my flaws, feel remorse, offer a genuine apology, ask for forgiveness. Hold myself accountable to offer forgiveness for their part even if they don't ask. Still, let them be responsible for their own stuff while I take responsibility for mine.
18.I do repeat teshuvah. Often it takes many tries to learn the lesson, to approach a person I've hurt with real respect for their feelings and to let go of my defensiveness.
19.I minimize myself sometimes, probably my worse sin against myself. Because I'm actually pretty accomplished, talented and so (lovable and) capable.
20.I hate housework and suck at it.
21.I am extremely loyal and also protective.
22.I am very open minded about most things, yet with other things I have particular standards about right and wrong.
23.I hurt deeply when people are mean and malicious, unjust, abusive, rude, oblivious and greedy.
Today is the 23rd day of the Omer, three weeks and 2 days of the omer.
Practice:
List your 23 Truths.
1.Just realized and admitted that my girls are ready for pre-school and need to start soon.
2.I am a great teacher. Last week I rode the waves with off-the-walls elementary school children and this week they were putty – well, almost. Best thing, they have been going around school sharing my Rav Yoga teachings with everyone in their Day School. Guess they were paying attention, while screaming, dancing and rumpusing!
3.I am a very patient person. Also not at all afraid to voice my expectations and request they be met.
4.Once again I walked up to strangers to insert myself in their conversation.
5.Once again they THANKED me for it.
6.I am a pioneer and expert in my chosen fields.
7.Today I was chemo buddy for my dad. Sat with him for the two hours we waited till they started his meds. Then I had to leave. To make it to class. Then I came back to pick him up.
8.Sometimes you can show up at work with your three kids and it won't cause any harm. Hmmm. won't press my luck.
9.I really need a full time babysitter.
10.I really want a full time job.
11.My passions and creativity are bursting at the seams.
12.I am calm, cool and collected. Teaching a class while my 22 month olds wander the classroom, no problemo.
13.I am a good learner. I listen and pay attention.
14.I am stubborn in the best ways.
15.I make mistakes. And then try to make better choices.
16.I forgive, sometimes too easily. It's not worth wasting my energy with anger or resentment. I move thru the stages quickly.
17.I try to do teshuvah in fast order too. When I hurt someone, I feel awful. Unless they hurt me really bad, then I feel they deserve it. But I try to stop the cycle and recognize my flaws, feel remorse, offer a genuine apology, ask for forgiveness. Hold myself accountable to offer forgiveness for their part even if they don't ask. Still, let them be responsible for their own stuff while I take responsibility for mine.
18.I do repeat teshuvah. Often it takes many tries to learn the lesson, to approach a person I've hurt with real respect for their feelings and to let go of my defensiveness.
19.I minimize myself sometimes, probably my worse sin against myself. Because I'm actually pretty accomplished, talented and so (lovable and) capable.
20.I hate housework and suck at it.
21.I am extremely loyal and also protective.
22.I am very open minded about most things, yet with other things I have particular standards about right and wrong.
23.I hurt deeply when people are mean and malicious, unjust, abusive, rude, oblivious and greedy.
Today is the 23rd day of the Omer, three weeks and 2 days of the omer.
Practice:
List your 23 Truths.
22 - Date Night
“Woo hoo on date night, first in months, sat dateless in a theater for a 6 pm movie called Date Night, then had dinner with my mother.” Husband was worse off, buried in work while wanting just as much to be out on date night with me. Poor pity potty me out at a movie by myself (something I have enjoyed by choice many many times). I continued, "Was more fun to be single, even divorced."
OK, I cheated. Started my omer writing before sundown while waiting for the previews, then kept my eyes on the blackberry emailing myself the previous words.
Couldn't help but avert my eyes towards the glittery Sex in the City 2 trailer. What a fab tease, the girls are back, glamorous as ever two years post the Big wedding. Charlotte and Miranda share a teary scene; “it's hard to be a mom”. Carrie lays in bed with Big wondering where the romance went. Stiletto deep in identity crises, Samantha saves the drab day by taking the fabulous four for a fantastic extravagant Abu Dhabi va(jay-jay)cation. I will be back for more.
During the height of the TV show I was part of a fab foursome of friends. Each of us sexy, strong and single, we had weekly dinners and shared date stories. We made sushi on New Years Eve and went dancing, supported each others careers and enjoyed our time together. Unlike our fictional parallel characters, we haven't been as fortunate as Carrie Bradshaw and friends in maintaining the closeness. I often think of them, miss them, send them psychic love, and I wonder...What is it about friendships that allows them to fade? For things to pull us apart? For one or the other to become distant, to get more involved or interested in others. For things to get beyond repair or below priority? Been keeping my eyes open for a book to explain it all, the complexity of women's friendships and how to move on without always feeling unresolved drama and sadness.
I feel loss in current relationships too, that I don't have the personal time to divvy up for my friends. That my friends, too, get too busy for me. That my husband is also often too busy for me, working his tushie off to keep us afloat. I miss the flirting of dates gone by and the fun with friends. Can't recall the last movie I saw? Or last date I had? Last time I danced or laughed with friends.
Feeling more sentimental than sorry for myself, reality is that life now is about a survival partnership and deep purpose, and fun gets the shaft. Don't get me wrong, I embrace my choices and love my life. My daughter throws her head at my nose, and miraculously when the pain fades I notice that she straightened out a bump. I spend so much time (poorly) doing domestic tasks that need to be done. I grab moments for my work, my writing, a rare shower. I enjoy my girls, their hugs and kisses and silliness, and appreciate my husband and our sweet moments of affection. Life is meaning-full and joyful yet not necessarily full of fun nor levity.
Feeling like this, the movie began, then all bets were off. I laughed so hard, so long, so deep. Date Night was fun and funny. No matter that I was the only person in the theater, the sound of my laughter carried the space. I saw my marriage in the opening scenes – kids jumping painfully onto the parents, two exhausted adults who almost let the inertia cancel out date plans even when the sitter shows up. Then the movie took off with action, timing, great writing and an amazing cast led by the two funniest people in the biz today – Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Subtle humor followed with big bang comedy, extended hysterical scenes, high energy and hilarious characters. Set in NYC it has all the character of the most entertaining and fun city, and it's set to a great music soundtrack too. This is a great date or dateless movie, and I will see it again with my husband. The laughter did me good.
Though date night tonight was in fact date less, Date Night made me feel good about my marriage. When Foster (Carrell) says his last line to his wife (Fey) “I'd choose you. Every time.” I felt the same. So, my sitter showed up and my husband had a date deadline with work instead of his wife, choosing this movie was a tribute to him. "It's my love letter to commitment," says the filmmaker Shawn Levy. Awww.
Next up, dinner with my mom, which felt more like quality time with an old friend. In contrast to our usual conversations interrupted by needy children, we actually had multiple conversations about a variety of topics. These days I'm always pleasantly surprised when a dialogue actually has a beginning, middle and end. Date night really shaped up.
Choice is the main difference between relationships that last and those that don't. I'm realizing that the commitment of marriage makes all the difference in outcome. Creating a sacred covenant with another person is a clear soul intention to forever intertwine your destinies, your bodies, your homes. Sometimes people get un-married too, yet it doesn't diminish the original intention to spend forever together and the intimacy and interconnection that establishes itself. Once a marital contract is formed, the commitment contains the the choices that continue every day. Children are also a choice. Irregardless if one becomes a parent unintentionally or with great struggle, there is a spiritual way that souls choose to join a family. The parent-child bond survives death and family discord too.
Friendships form by happenstance, geography, proximity, affiliation, not necessarily by intentional choice nor with a commitment. Imagine if we had ceremonies to promise to be friends forever. No, most friendships require a loose hold. They are not exclusive and do not ask nearly as much of us as marriage or children or parents do. Possibly that explains their impermanence. Friendships are precious and provide many essential supports that marriage and family just cannot. They help us sustain our marriages and withstand family drama. Without a life time commitment, our choices of friends have the freedom to match each age and stage of life, with some friendships really lasting lifetimes. The really special ones are our soul sisters (and brothers), drawn together by a spiritual string. Friends can become family of choice when family of origin disintegrates. I love my friends, past and current, and I want more and more time for fun, for fellowship, for real. I love my husband and I want more and more time with him forever. “Honey, I'd choose you. Every time.”
Today is the 22nd night of the Omer, 3 weeks and 1 day of the Omer.
Practice: laughter is a spiritual practice. Go out and laugh. Find a movie new or old, or friend new or old who/that makes you laugh till your sides hurt.
OK, I cheated. Started my omer writing before sundown while waiting for the previews, then kept my eyes on the blackberry emailing myself the previous words.
Couldn't help but avert my eyes towards the glittery Sex in the City 2 trailer. What a fab tease, the girls are back, glamorous as ever two years post the Big wedding. Charlotte and Miranda share a teary scene; “it's hard to be a mom”. Carrie lays in bed with Big wondering where the romance went. Stiletto deep in identity crises, Samantha saves the drab day by taking the fabulous four for a fantastic extravagant Abu Dhabi va(jay-jay)cation. I will be back for more.
During the height of the TV show I was part of a fab foursome of friends. Each of us sexy, strong and single, we had weekly dinners and shared date stories. We made sushi on New Years Eve and went dancing, supported each others careers and enjoyed our time together. Unlike our fictional parallel characters, we haven't been as fortunate as Carrie Bradshaw and friends in maintaining the closeness. I often think of them, miss them, send them psychic love, and I wonder...What is it about friendships that allows them to fade? For things to pull us apart? For one or the other to become distant, to get more involved or interested in others. For things to get beyond repair or below priority? Been keeping my eyes open for a book to explain it all, the complexity of women's friendships and how to move on without always feeling unresolved drama and sadness.
I feel loss in current relationships too, that I don't have the personal time to divvy up for my friends. That my friends, too, get too busy for me. That my husband is also often too busy for me, working his tushie off to keep us afloat. I miss the flirting of dates gone by and the fun with friends. Can't recall the last movie I saw? Or last date I had? Last time I danced or laughed with friends.
Feeling more sentimental than sorry for myself, reality is that life now is about a survival partnership and deep purpose, and fun gets the shaft. Don't get me wrong, I embrace my choices and love my life. My daughter throws her head at my nose, and miraculously when the pain fades I notice that she straightened out a bump. I spend so much time (poorly) doing domestic tasks that need to be done. I grab moments for my work, my writing, a rare shower. I enjoy my girls, their hugs and kisses and silliness, and appreciate my husband and our sweet moments of affection. Life is meaning-full and joyful yet not necessarily full of fun nor levity.
Feeling like this, the movie began, then all bets were off. I laughed so hard, so long, so deep. Date Night was fun and funny. No matter that I was the only person in the theater, the sound of my laughter carried the space. I saw my marriage in the opening scenes – kids jumping painfully onto the parents, two exhausted adults who almost let the inertia cancel out date plans even when the sitter shows up. Then the movie took off with action, timing, great writing and an amazing cast led by the two funniest people in the biz today – Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Subtle humor followed with big bang comedy, extended hysterical scenes, high energy and hilarious characters. Set in NYC it has all the character of the most entertaining and fun city, and it's set to a great music soundtrack too. This is a great date or dateless movie, and I will see it again with my husband. The laughter did me good.
Though date night tonight was in fact date less, Date Night made me feel good about my marriage. When Foster (Carrell) says his last line to his wife (Fey) “I'd choose you. Every time.” I felt the same. So, my sitter showed up and my husband had a date deadline with work instead of his wife, choosing this movie was a tribute to him. "It's my love letter to commitment," says the filmmaker Shawn Levy. Awww.
Next up, dinner with my mom, which felt more like quality time with an old friend. In contrast to our usual conversations interrupted by needy children, we actually had multiple conversations about a variety of topics. These days I'm always pleasantly surprised when a dialogue actually has a beginning, middle and end. Date night really shaped up.
Choice is the main difference between relationships that last and those that don't. I'm realizing that the commitment of marriage makes all the difference in outcome. Creating a sacred covenant with another person is a clear soul intention to forever intertwine your destinies, your bodies, your homes. Sometimes people get un-married too, yet it doesn't diminish the original intention to spend forever together and the intimacy and interconnection that establishes itself. Once a marital contract is formed, the commitment contains the the choices that continue every day. Children are also a choice. Irregardless if one becomes a parent unintentionally or with great struggle, there is a spiritual way that souls choose to join a family. The parent-child bond survives death and family discord too.
Friendships form by happenstance, geography, proximity, affiliation, not necessarily by intentional choice nor with a commitment. Imagine if we had ceremonies to promise to be friends forever. No, most friendships require a loose hold. They are not exclusive and do not ask nearly as much of us as marriage or children or parents do. Possibly that explains their impermanence. Friendships are precious and provide many essential supports that marriage and family just cannot. They help us sustain our marriages and withstand family drama. Without a life time commitment, our choices of friends have the freedom to match each age and stage of life, with some friendships really lasting lifetimes. The really special ones are our soul sisters (and brothers), drawn together by a spiritual string. Friends can become family of choice when family of origin disintegrates. I love my friends, past and current, and I want more and more time for fun, for fellowship, for real. I love my husband and I want more and more time with him forever. “Honey, I'd choose you. Every time.”
Today is the 22nd night of the Omer, 3 weeks and 1 day of the Omer.
Practice: laughter is a spiritual practice. Go out and laugh. Find a movie new or old, or friend new or old who/that makes you laugh till your sides hurt.
Monday, April 19, 2010
21 - Celebrate Freedom!!!
With irony in honor of the Day of Independence I imprisoned my free-bird toddlers with 4 protective bed time precautions – backwards diapers, duct tape covering the backwards diaper tabs, backwards onesies and backwards pajamas. Yes, they are asserting their independence by stripping and streaking with bravado and Houdini-like talent. My cousin nicknamed her daughter Pootini during this stage and -oh merde! It really stinks. Less than two years old, each of the three is claiming her body, asserting herself and freely expressing her voice. At the moment, after being in bed for thirty minutes they are chatting in full voice, calling out in their own language. Freedom is fun!
With nightfall begins Israeli Independence Day, a time to celebrate big time. Miracles are possible, hope is alive, dreams aren't always dreamy, to keep them going you need to dig your hands into the dirt. I much prefer to highlight the freedom element of independence, and it fits in this omer period moving into the promised land. A tiny yet robust democracy in the midst of the mostly monarchical mid-East, Israel is a huge symbol of lived possibility and a powerhouse provider of innovation and dignity to the entire world. Forget about the day to day politics and personalities; focus on the mission and vision of the State of Israel.
Lehavdil, a distinction, between a global historical leader and an American tradition, Yom Ha'Atzmaut occurs when the Omer turns 21. Twenty-one is a year to go all out, let go, party without care. Teenagers count the days till that birthday and the symbolic freedom it brings. It marks a the beginning of adult life, exploration and formation of responsibility, career, individual identity. Israel too is but a young-in in the scope of statehood.
Age 21 is when one might start to ask “what am I going to do with my life?” in terms of profession, possibly relationships too. Age 2 is about “how quickly can I take my clothes off and shriek in delight?” Uh oh, well maybe, lehavdil, in a totally different context there's some of that at 21 too. And at age 62, the State of Israel's age, we still ask “what am I going to do with my life – from this point forward?” And at the same time “how can I celebrate my soul-gifts every day with joy?”
Independence provides so many choices that everything is possible, yet its always important to have a container. Wandering through the wilderness our ancestors were miserable, whining, complaining and rebelling. Say what?!? They hurriedly escaped slavery and weren't prepared for a paradigm shift. Years of traveling as a tribe allowed them to develop leadership, build faith and commit to rituals. One of the greatest spiritual teaching tools, Shabbat is about separating a day of rest from the work week with beginning rituals (candle lighting, kiddush, special music and prayers, a special meal) and a closing ritual (havdalah with kiddish, spices and braided candle, more songs). Just one example of Jewish practice that uses boundaries to create sacredness.
Entering a career window as an independent rabbi was a choice to concentrate on bringing my unique vision and talents in creating sanctuary for your soul as a consultancy. I have enjoyed the gift of freedom, choosing my projects, accepting appropriate collaborations, working with self-selected clients. And I maintained certain container connections – my email list, home base town, synagogue, colleagues, source for referrals. Providing my own boundaries, I am able to re-visit my vision, re-define the boundaries, and re-enter a new container when desired.
Pausing to see if our inner aspirations match our outer appearance and environment is a blessing of freedom. Examining the containers of our life with care, curiosity and compassion is crucial to feeling comfortable in our skin and speaking with a clear voice. Openness and the ability to change courses is a blessing of independence too, one that takes awareness and attention. When the omer counting began at the Passover Seder we asked a lot of questions. May the questioning continue as we count our way to revelation.
Today is the 21st day of the Omer, which is 3 weeks of the Omer.
Practice: Hit the pause button. (this teaching given to me by master certified coach Marian Baker). Pause for 10 minutes from your work to do something that feeds your soul. Each week, schedule a one hour pause for yourself too. For today, on this day of the Omer, consider the containers of your life and how well they represent your soul within. During each “pause button” moment, celebrate your independent and free soul!
With nightfall begins Israeli Independence Day, a time to celebrate big time. Miracles are possible, hope is alive, dreams aren't always dreamy, to keep them going you need to dig your hands into the dirt. I much prefer to highlight the freedom element of independence, and it fits in this omer period moving into the promised land. A tiny yet robust democracy in the midst of the mostly monarchical mid-East, Israel is a huge symbol of lived possibility and a powerhouse provider of innovation and dignity to the entire world. Forget about the day to day politics and personalities; focus on the mission and vision of the State of Israel.
Lehavdil, a distinction, between a global historical leader and an American tradition, Yom Ha'Atzmaut occurs when the Omer turns 21. Twenty-one is a year to go all out, let go, party without care. Teenagers count the days till that birthday and the symbolic freedom it brings. It marks a the beginning of adult life, exploration and formation of responsibility, career, individual identity. Israel too is but a young-in in the scope of statehood.
Age 21 is when one might start to ask “what am I going to do with my life?” in terms of profession, possibly relationships too. Age 2 is about “how quickly can I take my clothes off and shriek in delight?” Uh oh, well maybe, lehavdil, in a totally different context there's some of that at 21 too. And at age 62, the State of Israel's age, we still ask “what am I going to do with my life – from this point forward?” And at the same time “how can I celebrate my soul-gifts every day with joy?”
Independence provides so many choices that everything is possible, yet its always important to have a container. Wandering through the wilderness our ancestors were miserable, whining, complaining and rebelling. Say what?!? They hurriedly escaped slavery and weren't prepared for a paradigm shift. Years of traveling as a tribe allowed them to develop leadership, build faith and commit to rituals. One of the greatest spiritual teaching tools, Shabbat is about separating a day of rest from the work week with beginning rituals (candle lighting, kiddush, special music and prayers, a special meal) and a closing ritual (havdalah with kiddish, spices and braided candle, more songs). Just one example of Jewish practice that uses boundaries to create sacredness.
Entering a career window as an independent rabbi was a choice to concentrate on bringing my unique vision and talents in creating sanctuary for your soul as a consultancy. I have enjoyed the gift of freedom, choosing my projects, accepting appropriate collaborations, working with self-selected clients. And I maintained certain container connections – my email list, home base town, synagogue, colleagues, source for referrals. Providing my own boundaries, I am able to re-visit my vision, re-define the boundaries, and re-enter a new container when desired.
Pausing to see if our inner aspirations match our outer appearance and environment is a blessing of freedom. Examining the containers of our life with care, curiosity and compassion is crucial to feeling comfortable in our skin and speaking with a clear voice. Openness and the ability to change courses is a blessing of independence too, one that takes awareness and attention. When the omer counting began at the Passover Seder we asked a lot of questions. May the questioning continue as we count our way to revelation.
Today is the 21st day of the Omer, which is 3 weeks of the Omer.
Practice: Hit the pause button. (this teaching given to me by master certified coach Marian Baker). Pause for 10 minutes from your work to do something that feeds your soul. Each week, schedule a one hour pause for yourself too. For today, on this day of the Omer, consider the containers of your life and how well they represent your soul within. During each “pause button” moment, celebrate your independent and free soul!
20 - Triplets Twice
Six children under two, with only two birth dates amongst them, gobbled down an entire Tel Aviv pizza in minutes. Not a nursery school field trip, just two triplet families grabbing a rare unplanned moment to connect. That's how we roll, last minute, whatever works, as often as we can – which in reality means three times total in twenty months. For the first time they are big enough to play with one another, explore, share toys, lift gallon water weights, share solid food. Barely beyond the baby stage, these six cuties give their parents a chance to chat. Introduced by our ob/gyn, our relationship is founded on the sole shared experience of triplet life, not to be underestimated as anything less than an all-encompassing lens on life. One of the skills of being a triplet parent, we have learned how to distill parenting and housekeeping into powerful reductions without waste of time, energy or resources. Our survival depends on eliminating the extraneous and accepting assistance whenever offered or available. In the course of a couple hours watching the little ones and over dinner, we catch up on the trios, the older sibs, marriage, work, extended family, personal time (rather the lack of it).
I recalled memories of meeting this couple and bringing my months old girls along, visiting the expectant mom at home while on bed rest, holding their newborn babies in the hospital, stopping in to give support to a sister in the way that only one who survived can provide. Not that I was long past her milestones, our children are only seven months apart, six gestationally. At this point they share similar developmental achievements and interestingly there are parallel personalities in the birth order of our two sets. The baby As, the first borns, are both easy-going, sweet mush types and the baby Bs, next born, are both little pistols. The baby Cs have less obvious similarities but both are angelic daddy's girls.
Only Friday I re-published recollections of counting the days of my high-risk pregnancy (Anticipating the Omer: Counting of a Different Kind) and I re-read it too. The lived truths within the essay are still hard to hold; though much more healing has happened even since last year. Most of the time I don't remember the details about trying to conceive, learning about the triplet pregnancy, enduring it and extending it as long as possible for the sake of my babies while sacrificing my self. Isn't it so easy to forget painful moments and live presently in happier times? When I was in college first reflecting on my childhood there were so many blanks; with time work I filled them in and made sense of it all. There is a time to forget and a time to remember. Memory can protect us in both ways, enabling us to select what we need to survive and warning us what cannot be repeated. Memory can enable happiness too, providing contrast and gratitude.
My presence for this triplet mom during her pregnancy was modeled for me by an another amazing multiple mom. A common experience brought us together and deep friendships developed on both sides, between me and my family and each of the other families. In addition to having multiples, each of these three families has four children and we especially appreciate a warm home full of love and bodies. We know better than to judge, value gemilut hasadim (acts of lovingkindness), live modestly, and respect each others' accomplishments as parents and partners.
Friends help us remember who we are, where we've been, why we're here and how we want to move into the future together. They hold up the memories that may be buried away from pain so we can integrate them and honor them in the present. Friends see our strengths and success and remind us of those too. They bless our memories and create new memories with us.
Today is the 20th day of the Omer, that is 2 weeks and 6 days of the Omer. Today is Yom Hazikaron, a day of memory.
Practice: Take at least a minute of silence to remember lost memories. Consider how they shaped your present and how presence to them can bring blessings for you. Remember the memories of loved ones lost, honor their memory with action. Remember the sacrifice those you knew and did not know gave for your values, to give the gifts you cherish the most.
I recalled memories of meeting this couple and bringing my months old girls along, visiting the expectant mom at home while on bed rest, holding their newborn babies in the hospital, stopping in to give support to a sister in the way that only one who survived can provide. Not that I was long past her milestones, our children are only seven months apart, six gestationally. At this point they share similar developmental achievements and interestingly there are parallel personalities in the birth order of our two sets. The baby As, the first borns, are both easy-going, sweet mush types and the baby Bs, next born, are both little pistols. The baby Cs have less obvious similarities but both are angelic daddy's girls.
Only Friday I re-published recollections of counting the days of my high-risk pregnancy (Anticipating the Omer: Counting of a Different Kind) and I re-read it too. The lived truths within the essay are still hard to hold; though much more healing has happened even since last year. Most of the time I don't remember the details about trying to conceive, learning about the triplet pregnancy, enduring it and extending it as long as possible for the sake of my babies while sacrificing my self. Isn't it so easy to forget painful moments and live presently in happier times? When I was in college first reflecting on my childhood there were so many blanks; with time work I filled them in and made sense of it all. There is a time to forget and a time to remember. Memory can protect us in both ways, enabling us to select what we need to survive and warning us what cannot be repeated. Memory can enable happiness too, providing contrast and gratitude.
My presence for this triplet mom during her pregnancy was modeled for me by an another amazing multiple mom. A common experience brought us together and deep friendships developed on both sides, between me and my family and each of the other families. In addition to having multiples, each of these three families has four children and we especially appreciate a warm home full of love and bodies. We know better than to judge, value gemilut hasadim (acts of lovingkindness), live modestly, and respect each others' accomplishments as parents and partners.
Friends help us remember who we are, where we've been, why we're here and how we want to move into the future together. They hold up the memories that may be buried away from pain so we can integrate them and honor them in the present. Friends see our strengths and success and remind us of those too. They bless our memories and create new memories with us.
Today is the 20th day of the Omer, that is 2 weeks and 6 days of the Omer. Today is Yom Hazikaron, a day of memory.
Practice: Take at least a minute of silence to remember lost memories. Consider how they shaped your present and how presence to them can bring blessings for you. Remember the memories of loved ones lost, honor their memory with action. Remember the sacrifice those you knew and did not know gave for your values, to give the gifts you cherish the most.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
19 - Free Soul
Let me linger with this great combo of community and combo of comfort - extra life with day 18 and extra soul, neshama yeteirah, that arrives for each Shabbat. Would kind of like to stay and extend the 18=chai=life omer day that coincided with Shabbat today. Enjoyed the best of both worlds: Netivot/Pathways davenning my favorite way, then kiddush lunch with the rest of the community, friends, congregants, and my dad.
First, about favorites. While teaching this morning I noticed that I was repeating the phrase “one of my favorite _______”; noticing the words we repeat is an important reflective tool for teachers. As soon as I spotted the pattern I shared with the Netivot/Pathways participants that this is where I bring all of my favorites. Its true. My favorite chants, my favorite meditation techniques, my favorite spiritual teachings. My favorite movements chosen to stretch and stir body, mind and soul, emotions and energy too. Netivot is designed to be an experience of Shabbat in the truest sense, with the inner reflection and all-level presence to the sacred within and within all. My favorite way to spend Shabbat morning, deep in striving with minyan members all completely at choice with being there.
And about community. The impetus to create Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing (when I first jotted notes in 2000 and when I first offered a synagogue-based center in 2003 and as I continue to offer a non-center based sessions) was always to acknowledge everyone's unique pathway to soul and wisdom. Constantly moving on our own path, the traditional Jewish prayer service is not the place for everyone, at all times, to connect spiritually. The synagogue should still be a place to connect with community. Netivot/Pathways provides an alternative spiritual home base, often within a synagogue community. More than just another service a community can offer, it does the work of building community and catalyzing healing.
A natural center of community, temples and synagogues must serve lots of needs, and my contention is and always has been that the spiritual is primary. So clearly I remember reviewing the Mission Statement of a synagogue where I worked (there have been three so no need to assume it was one or the other) and looking again and again for any of the following: God, soul, spiritual. They were completely missing and sorely absent; it took about a year for me to provoke a re-write. No matter what the other missions are – Israel, social action, education, youth – aligning soul with service and service with soul is the key to effectiveness. Focusing on anything other without being true to soul is a dangerous shortcut. It may be easier, or quicker, or initially seem more accessible, but make no mistake soul must be at the center.
Netivot/Pathways throughout the years has offered multiple pathways for souls seeking wisdom. Already welcomed by synagogues, seminaries, youth groups, day schools, educator's groups, Hillels and Federations, my vision is that the Jewish community recognizes the need and supports my new model. Among the pathways are: Pathways Shabbatot across the country, Detox Rav Yoga, healing services and workshops, bereavement groups, Rav Yoga, Refu'ah Yoga, Jewish Spiritual Direction, Yoga Eema prenatal yoga, family Tefilla Yoga, Finding Your Soul Mate groups, High Holiday Institute, monthly Shabbat Netivot/Pathways, 12 Step Torah, and Tefila Yoga.
Tefila Yoga fuses the wisdoms of Judaism and yoga, breathing and moving prayerfully with yoga postures that match the kavanah (intent) of the siddur service prayers. Lauded by both experienced davveners (Jews fluent in traditional Jewish prayer) and those with less fluency or affinity for traditional prayer techniques, Tefila Yoga is a meeting place for both. When Orthodox and traditional pray-ers attend Tefila Yoga they go back to their minyan routine with added awareness and dimensions of spiritual experience and often a new appreciation for yoga wisdom. When people attracted to the yoga element attend, an accessible and relevant portal to Jewish prayer wisdom becomes part of their experience on the mat and also opens a point of connection for future davenning experiences of whatever type.
Such a blessing for me, and from me, Netivot/Pathways has been running High Holiday services for the past four years and Shabbat sessions for the past four months (in Chicago at Anshe Emet Synagogue). Returning to my roots of personal practice joined by amazing participants is fabulous. Recent years I was practicing baby asanas (i.e.diaper change asana) and embracing that asana while recovering from the effects of the triplet pregnancy. Far from my professional precedent of the early years of my career (ten years ago!), a conscious choice to open myself personally has deepened my work, attracted lovely followers and freed me to follow my soul in service.
Now I am ready to move into a new day. Today is day 19 of the Omer! That is 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Inspiration for today:
Learn about Sacred Activism (if you only want a short preview ff to 4:54 and watch that last piece)
More about soul and service with my favorite yoga instructor, the world renowned Seane Corn.
Support Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing – are you being called to support this work? I'm looking for your support in the forms of professional expertise, promotion, seeking great spaces, seeking invitations, seeking funding so we can take it to the next level and beyond. Contact me so we can talk.
First, about favorites. While teaching this morning I noticed that I was repeating the phrase “one of my favorite _______”; noticing the words we repeat is an important reflective tool for teachers. As soon as I spotted the pattern I shared with the Netivot/Pathways participants that this is where I bring all of my favorites. Its true. My favorite chants, my favorite meditation techniques, my favorite spiritual teachings. My favorite movements chosen to stretch and stir body, mind and soul, emotions and energy too. Netivot is designed to be an experience of Shabbat in the truest sense, with the inner reflection and all-level presence to the sacred within and within all. My favorite way to spend Shabbat morning, deep in striving with minyan members all completely at choice with being there.
And about community. The impetus to create Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing (when I first jotted notes in 2000 and when I first offered a synagogue-based center in 2003 and as I continue to offer a non-center based sessions) was always to acknowledge everyone's unique pathway to soul and wisdom. Constantly moving on our own path, the traditional Jewish prayer service is not the place for everyone, at all times, to connect spiritually. The synagogue should still be a place to connect with community. Netivot/Pathways provides an alternative spiritual home base, often within a synagogue community. More than just another service a community can offer, it does the work of building community and catalyzing healing.
A natural center of community, temples and synagogues must serve lots of needs, and my contention is and always has been that the spiritual is primary. So clearly I remember reviewing the Mission Statement of a synagogue where I worked (there have been three so no need to assume it was one or the other) and looking again and again for any of the following: God, soul, spiritual. They were completely missing and sorely absent; it took about a year for me to provoke a re-write. No matter what the other missions are – Israel, social action, education, youth – aligning soul with service and service with soul is the key to effectiveness. Focusing on anything other without being true to soul is a dangerous shortcut. It may be easier, or quicker, or initially seem more accessible, but make no mistake soul must be at the center.
Netivot/Pathways throughout the years has offered multiple pathways for souls seeking wisdom. Already welcomed by synagogues, seminaries, youth groups, day schools, educator's groups, Hillels and Federations, my vision is that the Jewish community recognizes the need and supports my new model. Among the pathways are: Pathways Shabbatot across the country, Detox Rav Yoga, healing services and workshops, bereavement groups, Rav Yoga, Refu'ah Yoga, Jewish Spiritual Direction, Yoga Eema prenatal yoga, family Tefilla Yoga, Finding Your Soul Mate groups, High Holiday Institute, monthly Shabbat Netivot/Pathways, 12 Step Torah, and Tefila Yoga.
Tefila Yoga fuses the wisdoms of Judaism and yoga, breathing and moving prayerfully with yoga postures that match the kavanah (intent) of the siddur service prayers. Lauded by both experienced davveners (Jews fluent in traditional Jewish prayer) and those with less fluency or affinity for traditional prayer techniques, Tefila Yoga is a meeting place for both. When Orthodox and traditional pray-ers attend Tefila Yoga they go back to their minyan routine with added awareness and dimensions of spiritual experience and often a new appreciation for yoga wisdom. When people attracted to the yoga element attend, an accessible and relevant portal to Jewish prayer wisdom becomes part of their experience on the mat and also opens a point of connection for future davenning experiences of whatever type.
Such a blessing for me, and from me, Netivot/Pathways has been running High Holiday services for the past four years and Shabbat sessions for the past four months (in Chicago at Anshe Emet Synagogue). Returning to my roots of personal practice joined by amazing participants is fabulous. Recent years I was practicing baby asanas (i.e.diaper change asana) and embracing that asana while recovering from the effects of the triplet pregnancy. Far from my professional precedent of the early years of my career (ten years ago!), a conscious choice to open myself personally has deepened my work, attracted lovely followers and freed me to follow my soul in service.
Now I am ready to move into a new day. Today is day 19 of the Omer! That is 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Inspiration for today:
Learn about Sacred Activism (if you only want a short preview ff to 4:54 and watch that last piece)
More about soul and service with my favorite yoga instructor, the world renowned Seane Corn.
Support Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing – are you being called to support this work? I'm looking for your support in the forms of professional expertise, promotion, seeking great spaces, seeking invitations, seeking funding so we can take it to the next level and beyond. Contact me so we can talk.
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