I had the funniest conversation yesterday in which I was trying to help a mom figure out what day her child was born. There's not a trick here, like her child was adopted from an orphanage that didn't keep records. This mom gave birth to her little girl. Still, a woman in childbirth isn't so focused on knowing the actual time. She, and anyone else in right mind, only cares about getting that baby out of her body alive into the world. And I don't know the details of this particular birth story except that she was born at the end of the day close to sunset.
The Jewish calendar changes days at nightfall. That's why Shabbat and holidays begin one evening and continue through to the next: “there was evening then where was morning, Day One”. It's right there in Genesis with the creation of the world, there's no playing with it. A questionable birth day may occur when a baby is born right around sunset, so the minute of the hour is an important determining detail. And then we must clarity how to define the moment of birth. In the hospital they probably check the clock once the doctor/nurse/midwife is holding the baby in her arms, maybe after making sure the little one doesn't need any emergency care. That's not the Jewish way.
The classic go-to case for understanding this differentiates when the child becomes its own separate living being apart from the mother's body. With my toddler sticking her head under my shirt to calm herself these days, I wonder if I will ever be able to think of my children separate from my body. Aside from my mommy psychology, there is no question about when they were lifted out of my body. In the case of a c-section, the whole baby comes out at once. In my case, baby followed a minute later by another baby, and a minute later by another baby. If those minutes are split around 12 pm, the children would have different birthdays. If they were split around sunset, they might have different Jewish birth dates. In my case, there was no question, if there was a window in the Operating Room we would see was broad daylight.
Lehavdil, to make a separation in topics, the Jewish moment of birth is actually determined by a scenario where the woman's life is at imminent risk. To live we try to ignore the fragility of life, yet we all know the truth that life is fragile and that babies are not independent human beings in the womb. And more, survival is never certain. Judaism teaches us best how to save lives and protect life. The highest mitzvah is to save a life, and to do so we must be able to define life (and death too). We need guidance on how to decide who takes precedence in this horrific life and death situation. In ancient times our sages saw much more of this; thankfully we can now reasonably expect to live through childbirth and go home with our babies. According to Jewish belief, until the child is born, if only one could survive, the woman's life is the one. I know this is so hard to ponder, and nothing you want to ever consider. Some of you know this all too well, having experienced miscarriages, stillbirths, and near-fatal child birth. I hold you in my heart and pray for continued comfort for your unthinkable losses.
The moment of birth according to Jewish law is when the head comes out, when the baby is mostly and nearly out of the womb, ready to take her first breath. This can be minutes or more before it gets written for the birth certificate. The moment of birth is different from when the moment a woman becomes a mom, or when a man becomes a father. That life changing instant could have been when the woman gave birth to her first child, and several babies later and the actual minute doesn't matter to her. A woman may become a mother through adoption or surrogacy, or when she becomes married to someone with children. Same for men.
So we were laughing, because it certainly seems like time of birth is a detail of your child's life that you wouldn't forget. But would you even know it in the first place unless someone shouted it out or wrote it down for you? Or both? The thing is that Jewish teaching is quite instructive here. During labor, while anticipating the birth, the experience is so deep and intense that we replay it from our own perspective, see it with our own lens. Adoption stories too are the parent's story until the child joins the family. Only, and not until the baby takes that first breath do we record and retell her life story. (Of course adopted children's stories also begin with their first breath.) And as all parents know, from that point on its all about baby and the laughter she creates.
Mothers' Day is approaching and I think about all the laughter and smiles and joy I have been blessed with as a mom from my four children. From the moment I became an s-mom, to the moment I became a bio mom, to this moment of reflection, the laughter is possibly my most special and treasured gift. I laugh at poop on the walls, I laugh when I hear their first real laughter, I laugh when I see them dress up, when I see their mischief. Laughter is a great gift and certainly the sound of godliness.
Tonight at sunset will begin the 32nd night of the Omer. That is 4 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. Shabbat Shalom.
Practice: Let yourself laugh. Find a way to provoke laughter with memories, childlike silliness or inspiration from the world of comedy.
On the horizon: Saturday night and Sunday is Lag B'Omer, a special day celebrated in Israel with bonfires. Look for community celebrations in your area!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
31 - Just Ask
Not only did I bring a fantastic organic chocolate bar as a preemptive thank you, I arranged for someone to get a new monitor and mouse for her sucky synagogue workstation after I borrowed her computer at lunch hour. Long story, but I needed to use a program that is sadly not supported by my shiny new iMac. Her computer was painful. The monitor was dull and angled down as if it was hanging its head in shame. The mouse was sticky and attached with a cord that was pretty tightly thread through a gap in the workstation. My edits could have been completed in half the time with a fully functioning mouse and an easy to see screen. I can't imagine how it muddles up her productivity not to mention her sanity and why an employer would have her suffer so. When asked, she told me that she is also unhappy with it, and commented that she never thought to ask for a change. On my way out, I told one of the administrators about this situation. Instead of giving backlash, the response was an easy “sure, I'll take care of it, have her call me.” The budget was in place, and the only action needed was an ask. What a rush I felt.
For the second time in one week I referred to the book title Ask for It, and the statistic I learned that for every one time a woman asks for something (a raise, a benefit, a coffee, a day off, etc.) a man asks four times. And with all the even modest raises and gives multiplied by four and extended over a career, the inequity between a man and woman is in the millions of dollars. Seriously. A mid-level woman can lose millions of dollars to her male colleague who quickly surpasses her in position and salary just because they (have the confidence to..., are raised to...,think to..., don't hesitate to...) ask.
Which leads to the title of the next book by the same authors, Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, Women Don't Ask. Why don't women ask? They don't know they can, they don't think they will get it, the thought of asking is frightening or paralyzing.
Years of feminist reading and thought, college classes and even a concentration in Jewish Women's Studies in Rabbinical school, and I never learned about this until at a conference for female rabbis last November. It was then that the puzzle of my career started piecing itself together. I remembered being so angry that my male colleague suddenly had a discretionary fund, and I, his equal, had none. Not once did I think that he just asked for it, and I didn't ask– not even after his showed up in the synagogue bulletin. I felt that I deserved it and that the higher-ups should have just recognized it and made it happen for me, too; and in my mind the colleague was at fault too. And now, I'm thinking about how it adversely affected the relationship with my colleague when I should mourn a long line of lost funds and advancement opportunities. Both issues are such a shame, shanda, it would have been such a different experience. My line of thinking is proven in research to be exactly in line with the majority of women in the workplace, maybe at home too. The reasons women think this way and act this way are an interesting psychological, sociological, cultural, societal complexity. The solution is simple, a perspective shift and summoning the stamina to start asking, four times more often and for much more than we'd be inclined to ask. This lesson is invaluable.
For lots of girls, asking feels selfish. The expectation is that we give, that we take care of others, not for financial earnings, just for the emotional closeness of the relationship, downplaying the real world value of our talents.
There's a lot to say about this false sense of generosity. We don't build ourselves up by counting ways in which we sacrificed ourselves to help others. Life isn't a martyr competition, that's not the point. “Nice girls don’t ask, but smart women do," Lois Frankel writes, "Ask for It provides the tangible tools and tips you need to get your fair share of the raises, promotions, and perks you’ve earned–and deserve.” Though we may be extreme helpers in a self-negating way, it is not pure as giving from a position of fullness. Financial compensation and benefits are earned in the exchange of energy; they add to our fullness with recognition of our professional gifts. Earnings are not a random reward, especially when packages awarded are determined based on our requests. The health of both the helper and helpee benefit from giving from fullness.
Generosity is a state of heart, to give with an open heart we have to be open to readily receive. It's a way of being, like breathing. The divine breath of life is given, inhale, we hold it, send it out with faith, watch it there, breath it in fully once again. To be truly generous, we must be generous with ourselves in expecting to breath in only the fullest recognition and compensation for our work. Only then can we send it out in service.
Today is the 31st day of the Omer, 4 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
To do: check out the Ask For It and Women Don't Ask websites. What are you asking for? What could you ask for? Why not? What asking opportunities have passed by? What asking opportunities will you grab to fuel your generosity?
For the second time in one week I referred to the book title Ask for It, and the statistic I learned that for every one time a woman asks for something (a raise, a benefit, a coffee, a day off, etc.) a man asks four times. And with all the even modest raises and gives multiplied by four and extended over a career, the inequity between a man and woman is in the millions of dollars. Seriously. A mid-level woman can lose millions of dollars to her male colleague who quickly surpasses her in position and salary just because they (have the confidence to..., are raised to...,think to..., don't hesitate to...) ask.
Which leads to the title of the next book by the same authors, Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, Women Don't Ask. Why don't women ask? They don't know they can, they don't think they will get it, the thought of asking is frightening or paralyzing.
Years of feminist reading and thought, college classes and even a concentration in Jewish Women's Studies in Rabbinical school, and I never learned about this until at a conference for female rabbis last November. It was then that the puzzle of my career started piecing itself together. I remembered being so angry that my male colleague suddenly had a discretionary fund, and I, his equal, had none. Not once did I think that he just asked for it, and I didn't ask– not even after his showed up in the synagogue bulletin. I felt that I deserved it and that the higher-ups should have just recognized it and made it happen for me, too; and in my mind the colleague was at fault too. And now, I'm thinking about how it adversely affected the relationship with my colleague when I should mourn a long line of lost funds and advancement opportunities. Both issues are such a shame, shanda, it would have been such a different experience. My line of thinking is proven in research to be exactly in line with the majority of women in the workplace, maybe at home too. The reasons women think this way and act this way are an interesting psychological, sociological, cultural, societal complexity. The solution is simple, a perspective shift and summoning the stamina to start asking, four times more often and for much more than we'd be inclined to ask. This lesson is invaluable.
For lots of girls, asking feels selfish. The expectation is that we give, that we take care of others, not for financial earnings, just for the emotional closeness of the relationship, downplaying the real world value of our talents.
There's a lot to say about this false sense of generosity. We don't build ourselves up by counting ways in which we sacrificed ourselves to help others. Life isn't a martyr competition, that's not the point. “Nice girls don’t ask, but smart women do," Lois Frankel writes, "Ask for It provides the tangible tools and tips you need to get your fair share of the raises, promotions, and perks you’ve earned–and deserve.” Though we may be extreme helpers in a self-negating way, it is not pure as giving from a position of fullness. Financial compensation and benefits are earned in the exchange of energy; they add to our fullness with recognition of our professional gifts. Earnings are not a random reward, especially when packages awarded are determined based on our requests. The health of both the helper and helpee benefit from giving from fullness.
Generosity is a state of heart, to give with an open heart we have to be open to readily receive. It's a way of being, like breathing. The divine breath of life is given, inhale, we hold it, send it out with faith, watch it there, breath it in fully once again. To be truly generous, we must be generous with ourselves in expecting to breath in only the fullest recognition and compensation for our work. Only then can we send it out in service.
Today is the 31st day of the Omer, 4 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
To do: check out the Ask For It and Women Don't Ask websites. What are you asking for? What could you ask for? Why not? What asking opportunities have passed by? What asking opportunities will you grab to fuel your generosity?
30 - Naming Names
What stressed them out was a soulful exercise for me. How I named three children all at once was a subject of fascination to many people. Without knowing the genders of each of the trio, those who struggled to decide on one girl name and one boy name couldn't fathom how we could figure out how to settle on names for the possible gender combinations: 2 boys, 1 girl; 1 girl, 2 boys; 3 boys; 3 girls; first names, middle names. People were so curious about my techniques.
I am an expert in naming babies. As a rabbi I have the honor of helping others select names for their children. Even before I ever became a parent I named many children. And since I've given birth to three children I have named many more. Sometimes I am consulted in advance; usually I enter the process in preparation for a baby naming ceremony. Rarely do the parents come to me with a Hebrew name for their child. They turn to me for methods and suggestions.
People go online and find names that are supposedly Hebrew with no actual linguistic connection to Hebrew. People find names in books that would make Israeli's laugh. There are Biblical names, modern Hebrew names, and Yiddish names. There are traditions, some more influential than others, and guidelines that vary from community to community.
Most ubiquitous is the Ashkenazic custom of naming a child in memory of a loved one lost. It's always helpful when the parents know the relative's Hebrew name. Most times, they have to do some research. With Yiddish dialects, nicknames, distant memories and no documents to confirm, finding out an actual Hebrew name can be challenging. Knowing the names is also quite crucial for the ketubah, wedding contract, for an aliyah to the Torah, for a Jewish divorce document (Get), for a grave stone.
Any and all of these written sources can be used to find Hebrew names to keep in the family. Still, it is rare that a baby receive the same exact Hebrew name as her deceased relative. We may use the Hebrew basis of a Yiddish name, the feminine of a man's name, or the masculine of a woman's name. A popular technique is using the same first letter, so Yisroel becomes Yaniv, Rachel becomes Ronit, Elizabeth becomes Elisheva. Another method I like is finding another name with the same meaning as the relative's name; this is especially helpful when the Hebrew name is totally untraceable and we use the English name to translate into a Hebrew form.
Selecting a name is a significant task, one that will be with our children forever and ever, and be in our family l'dor vador, from one generation to another. Announcing the name and bestowing it upon the child is a powerful ritual. Both are huge honors for me, explaining why I became an expert in this ritual area?
The Lion King captured it perfectly when daddy whispered baby cub's name to him, then Lion King Mufasa held up baby Simba, the future Lion King for all the kingdom to see. That is the personal and public significance of the Brit/Covenant ceremony, both for boys in Brit Milah and for girls in Brit Bat. Simba was welcomed into the Circle of Life, and Jewish babies are welcomed into the the Covenant of Israel, that holds sacred the Tree of Life, Torah teaching.
Brit ceremonies are one of my favorites; I'm excited for my second one of the season this Sunday! (Since naming ceremonies for girls aren't commanded to be on the eighth day like a Brit Milah for a boy, parents often delay the Brit Bat until a convenient time. And voila, I usually have summer Sundays booked fun with Brit Bat ceremonies!)
I have a knack for naming. As always, I aim to help people be true to themselves. Its a matter of style. We name our children the same way we present ourselves with clothing, hair, makeup and accessories. All an expression of our true selves, we strive to match each new soul with the name that best represents her shechinah self. With all the careful consideration in selecting a child's name, the ritual must match the intention in intensity. In this sacred naming of a baby, child, or even an adult Jew-By-Choice, we welcome a new soul into our family, community, covenant and world with blessing, great pride and joy. The ceremoniousness of the ceremony is fitting to the precious purpose.
Today is day 30 of the Omer, which is 4 weeks and 2 days of the Omer.
For consideration: what are your names? English, Hebrew. First, middle, last, daughter/son of.... What name do you call yourself? What name does God call you? Who and what have you named? How did you select those names and do they fit the soul of the being? If you were to name your self right now, how would you decide?
apologies: I missed a few nights! I am sorry that I couldn't keep up my writing commitment this week. I hope to fill in the missing days, so look out for out-of-order numbers.
I am an expert in naming babies. As a rabbi I have the honor of helping others select names for their children. Even before I ever became a parent I named many children. And since I've given birth to three children I have named many more. Sometimes I am consulted in advance; usually I enter the process in preparation for a baby naming ceremony. Rarely do the parents come to me with a Hebrew name for their child. They turn to me for methods and suggestions.
People go online and find names that are supposedly Hebrew with no actual linguistic connection to Hebrew. People find names in books that would make Israeli's laugh. There are Biblical names, modern Hebrew names, and Yiddish names. There are traditions, some more influential than others, and guidelines that vary from community to community.
Most ubiquitous is the Ashkenazic custom of naming a child in memory of a loved one lost. It's always helpful when the parents know the relative's Hebrew name. Most times, they have to do some research. With Yiddish dialects, nicknames, distant memories and no documents to confirm, finding out an actual Hebrew name can be challenging. Knowing the names is also quite crucial for the ketubah, wedding contract, for an aliyah to the Torah, for a Jewish divorce document (Get), for a grave stone.
Any and all of these written sources can be used to find Hebrew names to keep in the family. Still, it is rare that a baby receive the same exact Hebrew name as her deceased relative. We may use the Hebrew basis of a Yiddish name, the feminine of a man's name, or the masculine of a woman's name. A popular technique is using the same first letter, so Yisroel becomes Yaniv, Rachel becomes Ronit, Elizabeth becomes Elisheva. Another method I like is finding another name with the same meaning as the relative's name; this is especially helpful when the Hebrew name is totally untraceable and we use the English name to translate into a Hebrew form.
Selecting a name is a significant task, one that will be with our children forever and ever, and be in our family l'dor vador, from one generation to another. Announcing the name and bestowing it upon the child is a powerful ritual. Both are huge honors for me, explaining why I became an expert in this ritual area?
The Lion King captured it perfectly when daddy whispered baby cub's name to him, then Lion King Mufasa held up baby Simba, the future Lion King for all the kingdom to see. That is the personal and public significance of the Brit/Covenant ceremony, both for boys in Brit Milah and for girls in Brit Bat. Simba was welcomed into the Circle of Life, and Jewish babies are welcomed into the the Covenant of Israel, that holds sacred the Tree of Life, Torah teaching.
Brit ceremonies are one of my favorites; I'm excited for my second one of the season this Sunday! (Since naming ceremonies for girls aren't commanded to be on the eighth day like a Brit Milah for a boy, parents often delay the Brit Bat until a convenient time. And voila, I usually have summer Sundays booked fun with Brit Bat ceremonies!)
I have a knack for naming. As always, I aim to help people be true to themselves. Its a matter of style. We name our children the same way we present ourselves with clothing, hair, makeup and accessories. All an expression of our true selves, we strive to match each new soul with the name that best represents her shechinah self. With all the careful consideration in selecting a child's name, the ritual must match the intention in intensity. In this sacred naming of a baby, child, or even an adult Jew-By-Choice, we welcome a new soul into our family, community, covenant and world with blessing, great pride and joy. The ceremoniousness of the ceremony is fitting to the precious purpose.
Today is day 30 of the Omer, which is 4 weeks and 2 days of the Omer.
For consideration: what are your names? English, Hebrew. First, middle, last, daughter/son of.... What name do you call yourself? What name does God call you? Who and what have you named? How did you select those names and do they fit the soul of the being? If you were to name your self right now, how would you decide?
apologies: I missed a few nights! I am sorry that I couldn't keep up my writing commitment this week. I hope to fill in the missing days, so look out for out-of-order numbers.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
27 Bound Together
From five months back:
Somehow my triplets playing together this morning evoked a reenactment of my pregnancy experience. Last night before bed they were playing with the wooden step stools that have wooden cutouts of their names. After I put the girls in their cribs I cleaned up all the letters and spelled each girl's name as I placed it in their individual step stool. In the morning each girl wiggled out of my arms even before I could place her on the changing table. Diapers heavy they scrambled to the stools next to each crib and began working like bumble bees, buzz buzz buzzing. While they occupied themselves playing I layed my tired self down on the twin bed in their room and watched. Suddenly the letters for all three names were in one big pile on the zebra rug. I felt them all jumbled, as if the girls were symbolically showing me that they are one interconnected unit. My womb recalled the feeling of holding all three bodies within, feeling them entangled in my tummy dormitory.
The Torah teaches that in the beginning the world was created with word. God decided to create this world and formed it with words. Words formed with letters. These letters, the English spelling of Hebrew names, formed my children: Hallel, Emunah and Noam. We only chose the names after they were born. I matched the names to the identity of their souls. Until they were born I had only seen and heard their bodies through ultrasound images. You may not understand this, but I had known their souls for so much longer since they appeared to me in a vision years earlier. And I talked to them and told them that I was ready for them, waiting for them, creating a safe place for them, keeping them safe, giving them everything they needed to grow into healthy babies including and most especially deep love.
The letters tossed around in this womb of a pile on the nursery floor spell three words that are in the language of prayer – both the Hebrew language and the words in Jewish liturgy. Hebrew names born of spiritual DNA. Hallel means praise, the expression of gratitude I felt when a live baby came forth from my womb. The sound of song that we had passed each of the crucial points in the formation of these triplets. Hallel-uyah! She is here, her first inhale embodying the sweet soul who was meant to join our family. Emunah means faith, the trust that we grasped while monitoring the baby who appeared much smaller than her triplet siblings, the little one who was already fighting for her share of nutrients. She was actually born the same size as her younger sister yet an irregular heartbeat would immediately confirm that she is the soul who would instruct us in faith. Amen (meaning “I believe and affirm” ) comes from the same Hebrew root as Emunah. Yes, she affirms our faith with her resilience!Noam means beauty, the kind of gorgeous pleasantness that inspires a deep breath. Finally an exhale, my exhale, my husband's exale, the our parents, siblings, friends, doctors everyone in our world finally smiling and crying and breathing because our three babies, three girls, are alive, breathing on their own, safely outside my womb.
In the last 17 months I have witnessed these tiny babies grow from a total of 9 pounds 14 ounces to a total of 65 pounds. I've spent nearly every second of their lives with them, my sweet souls. I nursed them. I pureed their organic food. I introduced nutritious eating. I nourished their growth. They are fraternal, and they each have different hair colors, different eye colors, and different builds. Their voices are different, their smiles different, their developmental milestones different. I can identify them by the touch of their skin, the feel of their fingers, their bite and the smell of their diapers. They certainly are individual souls in unique bodies. And yet, by mixing up their letters they reminded me that they are a unit. They affirmed my experience of holding them within me and guarding their lives quite literally with my life. Their souls are bound together and they only know life in the context and presence, breath and feel of the triplet unit. Today they reminded me of the blessing of being bound up together from the beginning, not only their three souls, but mine too.
Written in the deep of December 2009 © Heather Altman
Three reasons that I'm publishing previously written material today: 1) convo w/ friend reminded me that my biggest baby was 26 pounds at her last visit; today=26th day of the omer. Assuming that she has gained a pound, she now fits in with tonight's/today's number. 2)Now I watch the girls hold hands and dance in a circle together. What a sight that is, them interacting so deliberately. 3) Realized that I'm can't write fresh tonight, decided it would be better to share one of my favorite pieces, one of my first articulate essays that built some confidence for the OOCC project.
Today is the 27th day of the Omer, which is 3 weeks and 6 days.
Re-counting is a spiritual practice. Especially in challenging times, remember back to past lessons and moments of meaning.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
26 Count Out Loud
Some people have to count out loud to process what they know or see to be true. For example, the walkers-by noticing my triplets who count aloud “one – two – three – there are three of them!” For more on funny reactions we encounter every day watch this video.
Setting the table often requires several verbal re-counts of bodies just to be sure, even when I know the guest list in advance. Setting the table or preparing the home for quests is a metaphor often used for Spiritual Direction. One of my spiritual director's considered herself an accompanist for her directees. Silent contemplation is an importance piece of spiritual direction; like Shabbat, it is the pause that contrasts with the music of our souls, the speaking words that bring us into awareness of God's precense, or the soul stirring within.
I like that speaking out loud is a Jewish spiritual practice. When I find myself talking out loud I normalize it within the spiritual teachings Jewish meditation and prayer. With the omer, silent counting isn't proper and counting before the change of day is not effective; it must be after sunset on the new day (at nighttime in accordance with way Jewish 'days' begin and end at night) and out loud. And we don't just say the number. We say the blessing, the number of days, then how many weeks and days. After that, why wouldn't we just keep talking till we find a spiritual lesson, kind of like I am writing my reflections here?
Hitbodedut is the spiritual practice of being alone with God, often in nature at night, and pouring one's heart out with words. Access to the heart of the matter isn't instantaneous, so Rebbe Nahman of Bratslav teaches that you just open your mouth and start talking. You keep talking and talking and eventually you get to whatever it is that you need to say and express from your heart. You could start with “this is so silly, me standing here alone, talking out loud. For what? Who am I talking to? Do I even believe in God? Is anyone listening? God has never answered me before so what's the point? ...But it is beautiful out here. And quiet. And something is special about it.” Keep going. You start with where ever you are, whatever is on your mind. Keep it simple, as if conversing with a trusted friend, flowing from one topic to the next. What may start as awkward become quite enjoyable and enriching.
Noticing what is moving in one's life, where the heart is tugging, how you are being transformed, getting curious about the seeking of your soul, these are found in the sacred silence of Spiritual Direction, and also in the sound of conversations with ourselves, with nature, with God. Omer counting is a deliberate following of the soul's journey over 49 days, from bondage to revelation. Sound and language merge levels of creation and connect the physical realm of creation and building with our mental and spiritual processes. Counting aloud helps move the intent from inner to outer, through the vehicle of voice, of body. In silence we can hide from truth, with mouths open we speak, we hear, we listen, we hone our expression more and more to truth and reality. Say it ain't so, say it, speak it, sing it!
Aloud: Today is the 26th day of the Omer, 3 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Continue with some hitbodedut. If it helps to get the flow going with your voice, play your favorite music and sing along with abandon. Find a place alone (safe of course), set your intention to speak with your Creator (the God of your understanding) and start talking. Let yourself move from one topic to the next, trying to be honest, explaining yourself, your thoughts, asking questions, arguing, thanking... everything. When you're done, sit in silence to reflect. And consider sharing a bit about your experience here.
Setting the table often requires several verbal re-counts of bodies just to be sure, even when I know the guest list in advance. Setting the table or preparing the home for quests is a metaphor often used for Spiritual Direction. One of my spiritual director's considered herself an accompanist for her directees. Silent contemplation is an importance piece of spiritual direction; like Shabbat, it is the pause that contrasts with the music of our souls, the speaking words that bring us into awareness of God's precense, or the soul stirring within.
I like that speaking out loud is a Jewish spiritual practice. When I find myself talking out loud I normalize it within the spiritual teachings Jewish meditation and prayer. With the omer, silent counting isn't proper and counting before the change of day is not effective; it must be after sunset on the new day (at nighttime in accordance with way Jewish 'days' begin and end at night) and out loud. And we don't just say the number. We say the blessing, the number of days, then how many weeks and days. After that, why wouldn't we just keep talking till we find a spiritual lesson, kind of like I am writing my reflections here?
Hitbodedut is the spiritual practice of being alone with God, often in nature at night, and pouring one's heart out with words. Access to the heart of the matter isn't instantaneous, so Rebbe Nahman of Bratslav teaches that you just open your mouth and start talking. You keep talking and talking and eventually you get to whatever it is that you need to say and express from your heart. You could start with “this is so silly, me standing here alone, talking out loud. For what? Who am I talking to? Do I even believe in God? Is anyone listening? God has never answered me before so what's the point? ...But it is beautiful out here. And quiet. And something is special about it.” Keep going. You start with where ever you are, whatever is on your mind. Keep it simple, as if conversing with a trusted friend, flowing from one topic to the next. What may start as awkward become quite enjoyable and enriching.
Noticing what is moving in one's life, where the heart is tugging, how you are being transformed, getting curious about the seeking of your soul, these are found in the sacred silence of Spiritual Direction, and also in the sound of conversations with ourselves, with nature, with God. Omer counting is a deliberate following of the soul's journey over 49 days, from bondage to revelation. Sound and language merge levels of creation and connect the physical realm of creation and building with our mental and spiritual processes. Counting aloud helps move the intent from inner to outer, through the vehicle of voice, of body. In silence we can hide from truth, with mouths open we speak, we hear, we listen, we hone our expression more and more to truth and reality. Say it ain't so, say it, speak it, sing it!
Aloud: Today is the 26th day of the Omer, 3 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Continue with some hitbodedut. If it helps to get the flow going with your voice, play your favorite music and sing along with abandon. Find a place alone (safe of course), set your intention to speak with your Creator (the God of your understanding) and start talking. Let yourself move from one topic to the next, trying to be honest, explaining yourself, your thoughts, asking questions, arguing, thanking... everything. When you're done, sit in silence to reflect. And consider sharing a bit about your experience here.
Friday, April 23, 2010
25 Half Measures
My ex used to often come home and tell me that he thought about buying me flowers, as if the mere thought should score him points. That intention isn't worth anything unless there is follow through. It's not like the thought is half the action. No, the action doesn't count until it is complete.
There's a famous Biblical story about two women both claiming they are the mother of the same child. They bring it to the judge of the land to decide. When King Solomon suggests they just split the baby in half with a sword the true mother reveals herself by telling the judge to give the baby to the other woman. Half a baby is not a baby.
A halfway developed fetus is also not a baby; that is why Jewish law places a woman's life above the life a a fetus who is threatening the mother. Though the soul hovers near the fetus while it is in the womb, the soul enters with the first inhale, transforming the potential human life into a full and complete living and breathing baby.
Dangers threaten completion of pregnancies; reaching full term is nothing other than the fulfillment of a miracle. We don't have Jewish baby showers or announce names before birth (often even delaying until the Brit ceremony) because celebration is only fitting after the baby arrives. To expectant parents we say "b'sha'ah tova", may the baby come at a good time. To new parents we say mazal tov! The counting of gestation days is over, now we rejoice.
“Half measures availed us nothing.” In Alcoholics Anonymous, these words precede the 12 Steps and are read in nearly every meeting world wide. Chapter 5 begins “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” If you don't go into it all the way (“thoroughly”), you won't succeed. “Those who don't recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” Recovery requires going to any lengths, “We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.” There is a thin line between life and death, choosing life means turning over one's life and doing a searching and fearless inventory of every resentment and fear. It just can't be done with one foot in.
This week I told a friend with regrets about the four steps of teshuvah – recognizing the mistake, feeling remorse, resolving not to repeat the sin, and facing the same situation with a different response. These four steps partner with the need to ask for forgiveness, from the people we have harmed, from ourselves who we have hurt and from God who we have injured. Jewish wisdom here matches the recovery process, with steps that must be repeated again and again, all the way through the cycle, all throughout the day and year (not just on Yom Kippur). The alcoholic and addict who decides to skip Steps 7-12 is doomed. Half-measures. Step 11 demonstrates why 12 Step recovery and this particular omer counting community is a spiritual one:
11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Halfway through, today is day 25 out of 49 days of the omer. So what? Don't treat yourself to the half birthday cupcake. There's no silver star for finishing the first half, it doesn't count until we finish counting the whole. This is a personal practice, a daily opportunity to follow through on our dedication to a spiritual practice that activates a religious transformation. Go for the gold.
Lots can happen instantaneously! In prayer, a momentary moment of deep intention has the power to change the flow of divine blessings. True remorse felt through and through is more significant than days of self-pity tears or misguided acts of charity intended to balance the scales. In an instant the heart can turn in teshuvah (repentance) and hold the spiritual impact to turn a life around. The moment forgiveness pierces one's heart and soul a psychic-spiritual bond releases for good, forever. Personal practice over time is a primer that leads to the aha moments and spiritual revelations.
Today is just another day, another step towards standing in the light, receiving the love, illuminating the truth. One day at a time, this is how we lift our eyes towards standing at Sinai to greet God. Maybe we have no idea where this all is going, still we keep counting. Let's go all the way, each and every day.
Today is day 25 of the Omer, that is 3 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. This Shabbat posting was pre-scheduled.
Practice suggestions:
1.A time for checking in is quite valuable. What have your omer patterns been thus far? What feelings surround your practice? What does omer counting mean to you now? What learning gifts has it given you so far? How has your life changed in the past 3 weeks 4 days? What intentions do you hold for the remaining time? Have you identified a theme for yourself in where you are journeying from and to? What is moving in your soul? If nothing seems present, do you detect or yearn for an undercurrent of transformation?
2.Work on the 11th Step (its ok if you haven't worked 1 through 10 yet).
[11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
3.Resources
article: Beginning the 11th Step Practice of Quiet Time
meeting:12 Step Torah monthly in Chicago
experience:Netivot/Pathways Jewish contemplation, meditation, yoga, spiritual direction, with Rabbi Heather Altman in Chicago
Yoga of Recovery week in Big Sur, Yoga of Recovery weekly @ CITYOGA in Indianapolis, IN
There's a famous Biblical story about two women both claiming they are the mother of the same child. They bring it to the judge of the land to decide. When King Solomon suggests they just split the baby in half with a sword the true mother reveals herself by telling the judge to give the baby to the other woman. Half a baby is not a baby.
A halfway developed fetus is also not a baby; that is why Jewish law places a woman's life above the life a a fetus who is threatening the mother. Though the soul hovers near the fetus while it is in the womb, the soul enters with the first inhale, transforming the potential human life into a full and complete living and breathing baby.
Dangers threaten completion of pregnancies; reaching full term is nothing other than the fulfillment of a miracle. We don't have Jewish baby showers or announce names before birth (often even delaying until the Brit ceremony) because celebration is only fitting after the baby arrives. To expectant parents we say "b'sha'ah tova", may the baby come at a good time. To new parents we say mazal tov! The counting of gestation days is over, now we rejoice.
“Half measures availed us nothing.” In Alcoholics Anonymous, these words precede the 12 Steps and are read in nearly every meeting world wide. Chapter 5 begins “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” If you don't go into it all the way (“thoroughly”), you won't succeed. “Those who don't recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” Recovery requires going to any lengths, “We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.” There is a thin line between life and death, choosing life means turning over one's life and doing a searching and fearless inventory of every resentment and fear. It just can't be done with one foot in.
This week I told a friend with regrets about the four steps of teshuvah – recognizing the mistake, feeling remorse, resolving not to repeat the sin, and facing the same situation with a different response. These four steps partner with the need to ask for forgiveness, from the people we have harmed, from ourselves who we have hurt and from God who we have injured. Jewish wisdom here matches the recovery process, with steps that must be repeated again and again, all the way through the cycle, all throughout the day and year (not just on Yom Kippur). The alcoholic and addict who decides to skip Steps 7-12 is doomed. Half-measures. Step 11 demonstrates why 12 Step recovery and this particular omer counting community is a spiritual one:
11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Halfway through, today is day 25 out of 49 days of the omer. So what? Don't treat yourself to the half birthday cupcake. There's no silver star for finishing the first half, it doesn't count until we finish counting the whole. This is a personal practice, a daily opportunity to follow through on our dedication to a spiritual practice that activates a religious transformation. Go for the gold.
Lots can happen instantaneously! In prayer, a momentary moment of deep intention has the power to change the flow of divine blessings. True remorse felt through and through is more significant than days of self-pity tears or misguided acts of charity intended to balance the scales. In an instant the heart can turn in teshuvah (repentance) and hold the spiritual impact to turn a life around. The moment forgiveness pierces one's heart and soul a psychic-spiritual bond releases for good, forever. Personal practice over time is a primer that leads to the aha moments and spiritual revelations.
Today is just another day, another step towards standing in the light, receiving the love, illuminating the truth. One day at a time, this is how we lift our eyes towards standing at Sinai to greet God. Maybe we have no idea where this all is going, still we keep counting. Let's go all the way, each and every day.
Today is day 25 of the Omer, that is 3 weeks and 4 days of the Omer. This Shabbat posting was pre-scheduled.
Practice suggestions:
1.A time for checking in is quite valuable. What have your omer patterns been thus far? What feelings surround your practice? What does omer counting mean to you now? What learning gifts has it given you so far? How has your life changed in the past 3 weeks 4 days? What intentions do you hold for the remaining time? Have you identified a theme for yourself in where you are journeying from and to? What is moving in your soul? If nothing seems present, do you detect or yearn for an undercurrent of transformation?
2.Work on the 11th Step (its ok if you haven't worked 1 through 10 yet).
[11. Sought through prayer and personal meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
3.Resources
article: Beginning the 11th Step Practice of Quiet Time
meeting:12 Step Torah monthly in Chicago
experience:Netivot/Pathways Jewish contemplation, meditation, yoga, spiritual direction, with Rabbi Heather Altman in Chicago
Yoga of Recovery week in Big Sur, Yoga of Recovery weekly @ CITYOGA in Indianapolis, IN
Thursday, April 22, 2010
24 - beginning, middle, end
First an idyllic exploratorium in the Butterfly Haven. Three angelic girls wide eyed fluttering around brilliant butterflies, mesmerized by the small waterfall, reaching for water. Playing with laminated bird and butterfly guides, climbing up and down the bench, looking up, down all around at the flittering wings. Red-cheeked, their hair shiny and curly from tropical humidity, they were thrilled to be in this alternate universe. I was right there with them, enjoying the heat, the beauty and lushness and color. Felt like hours on end. End scene for the lovely part of the day.
First-time with butterflies, why? Because strollers aren't allowed in the haven, so its impossible for triplet babies to visit, since a one-on-one adult/baby ratio is a triplet parent's XXX fantasy. Finally all three are walkers, and visiting the flutter-by butterflies is a fitting celebration. What a proud momma chick I was with my little chicklets following behind. Ahem, leading the way. Errr, each moving their own way at times in three directions. Mostly though, the draw themselves together. Note that royalties for the term chicklets go to our adorable friend Mindele.
Mindele, whose parents are my go-to models for parenting reinforcement. Laid-back with the medical knowledge to make it super safe, they reassure me that I made the right choice skipping the ER after a little one was injured. And that was scene two today, watching a child in pain and fear with her fingers stuck in the elevator door. Ahh, but she fell asleep like a cherub on the way to the hospital, then sweetly refused to leave the red pleather couch in the lobby. She held my hand with her “injured” hand. Wary to pay $150 for an Emergency Room visit when it no longer seemed like an emergency, we walked to get late lunch while waiting for a return call from the doc. Orders for an x-ray seemed like a better approach. And wouldn't you know it, but my little lady grabbed that fork, wrapped her little slightly swollen fingers around it, and ate. Bye-bye-bye Lincoln Park, taxi us Uptown. End scene for the bad part of the day.
Managed to pull together a delicious dinner. Fed the family in two shifts, put children to bed, returned two business calls, counted the omer. End day.
Today is the 24th day of the omer, 3 weeks and 3 days of the omer.
For your thoughts: did today have a beginning, middle and end? How do you identify the beginning, middle and end?
First-time with butterflies, why? Because strollers aren't allowed in the haven, so its impossible for triplet babies to visit, since a one-on-one adult/baby ratio is a triplet parent's XXX fantasy. Finally all three are walkers, and visiting the flutter-by butterflies is a fitting celebration. What a proud momma chick I was with my little chicklets following behind. Ahem, leading the way. Errr, each moving their own way at times in three directions. Mostly though, the draw themselves together. Note that royalties for the term chicklets go to our adorable friend Mindele.
Mindele, whose parents are my go-to models for parenting reinforcement. Laid-back with the medical knowledge to make it super safe, they reassure me that I made the right choice skipping the ER after a little one was injured. And that was scene two today, watching a child in pain and fear with her fingers stuck in the elevator door. Ahh, but she fell asleep like a cherub on the way to the hospital, then sweetly refused to leave the red pleather couch in the lobby. She held my hand with her “injured” hand. Wary to pay $150 for an Emergency Room visit when it no longer seemed like an emergency, we walked to get late lunch while waiting for a return call from the doc. Orders for an x-ray seemed like a better approach. And wouldn't you know it, but my little lady grabbed that fork, wrapped her little slightly swollen fingers around it, and ate. Bye-bye-bye Lincoln Park, taxi us Uptown. End scene for the bad part of the day.
Managed to pull together a delicious dinner. Fed the family in two shifts, put children to bed, returned two business calls, counted the omer. End day.
Today is the 24th day of the omer, 3 weeks and 3 days of the omer.
For your thoughts: did today have a beginning, middle and end? How do you identify the beginning, middle and end?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
23 Truths for Today
23 Truths all about me today:
1.Just realized and admitted that my girls are ready for pre-school and need to start soon.
2.I am a great teacher. Last week I rode the waves with off-the-walls elementary school children and this week they were putty – well, almost. Best thing, they have been going around school sharing my Rav Yoga teachings with everyone in their Day School. Guess they were paying attention, while screaming, dancing and rumpusing!
3.I am a very patient person. Also not at all afraid to voice my expectations and request they be met.
4.Once again I walked up to strangers to insert myself in their conversation.
5.Once again they THANKED me for it.
6.I am a pioneer and expert in my chosen fields.
7.Today I was chemo buddy for my dad. Sat with him for the two hours we waited till they started his meds. Then I had to leave. To make it to class. Then I came back to pick him up.
8.Sometimes you can show up at work with your three kids and it won't cause any harm. Hmmm. won't press my luck.
9.I really need a full time babysitter.
10.I really want a full time job.
11.My passions and creativity are bursting at the seams.
12.I am calm, cool and collected. Teaching a class while my 22 month olds wander the classroom, no problemo.
13.I am a good learner. I listen and pay attention.
14.I am stubborn in the best ways.
15.I make mistakes. And then try to make better choices.
16.I forgive, sometimes too easily. It's not worth wasting my energy with anger or resentment. I move thru the stages quickly.
17.I try to do teshuvah in fast order too. When I hurt someone, I feel awful. Unless they hurt me really bad, then I feel they deserve it. But I try to stop the cycle and recognize my flaws, feel remorse, offer a genuine apology, ask for forgiveness. Hold myself accountable to offer forgiveness for their part even if they don't ask. Still, let them be responsible for their own stuff while I take responsibility for mine.
18.I do repeat teshuvah. Often it takes many tries to learn the lesson, to approach a person I've hurt with real respect for their feelings and to let go of my defensiveness.
19.I minimize myself sometimes, probably my worse sin against myself. Because I'm actually pretty accomplished, talented and so (lovable and) capable.
20.I hate housework and suck at it.
21.I am extremely loyal and also protective.
22.I am very open minded about most things, yet with other things I have particular standards about right and wrong.
23.I hurt deeply when people are mean and malicious, unjust, abusive, rude, oblivious and greedy.
Today is the 23rd day of the Omer, three weeks and 2 days of the omer.
Practice:
List your 23 Truths.
1.Just realized and admitted that my girls are ready for pre-school and need to start soon.
2.I am a great teacher. Last week I rode the waves with off-the-walls elementary school children and this week they were putty – well, almost. Best thing, they have been going around school sharing my Rav Yoga teachings with everyone in their Day School. Guess they were paying attention, while screaming, dancing and rumpusing!
3.I am a very patient person. Also not at all afraid to voice my expectations and request they be met.
4.Once again I walked up to strangers to insert myself in their conversation.
5.Once again they THANKED me for it.
6.I am a pioneer and expert in my chosen fields.
7.Today I was chemo buddy for my dad. Sat with him for the two hours we waited till they started his meds. Then I had to leave. To make it to class. Then I came back to pick him up.
8.Sometimes you can show up at work with your three kids and it won't cause any harm. Hmmm. won't press my luck.
9.I really need a full time babysitter.
10.I really want a full time job.
11.My passions and creativity are bursting at the seams.
12.I am calm, cool and collected. Teaching a class while my 22 month olds wander the classroom, no problemo.
13.I am a good learner. I listen and pay attention.
14.I am stubborn in the best ways.
15.I make mistakes. And then try to make better choices.
16.I forgive, sometimes too easily. It's not worth wasting my energy with anger or resentment. I move thru the stages quickly.
17.I try to do teshuvah in fast order too. When I hurt someone, I feel awful. Unless they hurt me really bad, then I feel they deserve it. But I try to stop the cycle and recognize my flaws, feel remorse, offer a genuine apology, ask for forgiveness. Hold myself accountable to offer forgiveness for their part even if they don't ask. Still, let them be responsible for their own stuff while I take responsibility for mine.
18.I do repeat teshuvah. Often it takes many tries to learn the lesson, to approach a person I've hurt with real respect for their feelings and to let go of my defensiveness.
19.I minimize myself sometimes, probably my worse sin against myself. Because I'm actually pretty accomplished, talented and so (lovable and) capable.
20.I hate housework and suck at it.
21.I am extremely loyal and also protective.
22.I am very open minded about most things, yet with other things I have particular standards about right and wrong.
23.I hurt deeply when people are mean and malicious, unjust, abusive, rude, oblivious and greedy.
Today is the 23rd day of the Omer, three weeks and 2 days of the omer.
Practice:
List your 23 Truths.
22 - Date Night
“Woo hoo on date night, first in months, sat dateless in a theater for a 6 pm movie called Date Night, then had dinner with my mother.” Husband was worse off, buried in work while wanting just as much to be out on date night with me. Poor pity potty me out at a movie by myself (something I have enjoyed by choice many many times). I continued, "Was more fun to be single, even divorced."
OK, I cheated. Started my omer writing before sundown while waiting for the previews, then kept my eyes on the blackberry emailing myself the previous words.
Couldn't help but avert my eyes towards the glittery Sex in the City 2 trailer. What a fab tease, the girls are back, glamorous as ever two years post the Big wedding. Charlotte and Miranda share a teary scene; “it's hard to be a mom”. Carrie lays in bed with Big wondering where the romance went. Stiletto deep in identity crises, Samantha saves the drab day by taking the fabulous four for a fantastic extravagant Abu Dhabi va(jay-jay)cation. I will be back for more.
During the height of the TV show I was part of a fab foursome of friends. Each of us sexy, strong and single, we had weekly dinners and shared date stories. We made sushi on New Years Eve and went dancing, supported each others careers and enjoyed our time together. Unlike our fictional parallel characters, we haven't been as fortunate as Carrie Bradshaw and friends in maintaining the closeness. I often think of them, miss them, send them psychic love, and I wonder...What is it about friendships that allows them to fade? For things to pull us apart? For one or the other to become distant, to get more involved or interested in others. For things to get beyond repair or below priority? Been keeping my eyes open for a book to explain it all, the complexity of women's friendships and how to move on without always feeling unresolved drama and sadness.
I feel loss in current relationships too, that I don't have the personal time to divvy up for my friends. That my friends, too, get too busy for me. That my husband is also often too busy for me, working his tushie off to keep us afloat. I miss the flirting of dates gone by and the fun with friends. Can't recall the last movie I saw? Or last date I had? Last time I danced or laughed with friends.
Feeling more sentimental than sorry for myself, reality is that life now is about a survival partnership and deep purpose, and fun gets the shaft. Don't get me wrong, I embrace my choices and love my life. My daughter throws her head at my nose, and miraculously when the pain fades I notice that she straightened out a bump. I spend so much time (poorly) doing domestic tasks that need to be done. I grab moments for my work, my writing, a rare shower. I enjoy my girls, their hugs and kisses and silliness, and appreciate my husband and our sweet moments of affection. Life is meaning-full and joyful yet not necessarily full of fun nor levity.
Feeling like this, the movie began, then all bets were off. I laughed so hard, so long, so deep. Date Night was fun and funny. No matter that I was the only person in the theater, the sound of my laughter carried the space. I saw my marriage in the opening scenes – kids jumping painfully onto the parents, two exhausted adults who almost let the inertia cancel out date plans even when the sitter shows up. Then the movie took off with action, timing, great writing and an amazing cast led by the two funniest people in the biz today – Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Subtle humor followed with big bang comedy, extended hysterical scenes, high energy and hilarious characters. Set in NYC it has all the character of the most entertaining and fun city, and it's set to a great music soundtrack too. This is a great date or dateless movie, and I will see it again with my husband. The laughter did me good.
Though date night tonight was in fact date less, Date Night made me feel good about my marriage. When Foster (Carrell) says his last line to his wife (Fey) “I'd choose you. Every time.” I felt the same. So, my sitter showed up and my husband had a date deadline with work instead of his wife, choosing this movie was a tribute to him. "It's my love letter to commitment," says the filmmaker Shawn Levy. Awww.
Next up, dinner with my mom, which felt more like quality time with an old friend. In contrast to our usual conversations interrupted by needy children, we actually had multiple conversations about a variety of topics. These days I'm always pleasantly surprised when a dialogue actually has a beginning, middle and end. Date night really shaped up.
Choice is the main difference between relationships that last and those that don't. I'm realizing that the commitment of marriage makes all the difference in outcome. Creating a sacred covenant with another person is a clear soul intention to forever intertwine your destinies, your bodies, your homes. Sometimes people get un-married too, yet it doesn't diminish the original intention to spend forever together and the intimacy and interconnection that establishes itself. Once a marital contract is formed, the commitment contains the the choices that continue every day. Children are also a choice. Irregardless if one becomes a parent unintentionally or with great struggle, there is a spiritual way that souls choose to join a family. The parent-child bond survives death and family discord too.
Friendships form by happenstance, geography, proximity, affiliation, not necessarily by intentional choice nor with a commitment. Imagine if we had ceremonies to promise to be friends forever. No, most friendships require a loose hold. They are not exclusive and do not ask nearly as much of us as marriage or children or parents do. Possibly that explains their impermanence. Friendships are precious and provide many essential supports that marriage and family just cannot. They help us sustain our marriages and withstand family drama. Without a life time commitment, our choices of friends have the freedom to match each age and stage of life, with some friendships really lasting lifetimes. The really special ones are our soul sisters (and brothers), drawn together by a spiritual string. Friends can become family of choice when family of origin disintegrates. I love my friends, past and current, and I want more and more time for fun, for fellowship, for real. I love my husband and I want more and more time with him forever. “Honey, I'd choose you. Every time.”
Today is the 22nd night of the Omer, 3 weeks and 1 day of the Omer.
Practice: laughter is a spiritual practice. Go out and laugh. Find a movie new or old, or friend new or old who/that makes you laugh till your sides hurt.
OK, I cheated. Started my omer writing before sundown while waiting for the previews, then kept my eyes on the blackberry emailing myself the previous words.
Couldn't help but avert my eyes towards the glittery Sex in the City 2 trailer. What a fab tease, the girls are back, glamorous as ever two years post the Big wedding. Charlotte and Miranda share a teary scene; “it's hard to be a mom”. Carrie lays in bed with Big wondering where the romance went. Stiletto deep in identity crises, Samantha saves the drab day by taking the fabulous four for a fantastic extravagant Abu Dhabi va(jay-jay)cation. I will be back for more.
During the height of the TV show I was part of a fab foursome of friends. Each of us sexy, strong and single, we had weekly dinners and shared date stories. We made sushi on New Years Eve and went dancing, supported each others careers and enjoyed our time together. Unlike our fictional parallel characters, we haven't been as fortunate as Carrie Bradshaw and friends in maintaining the closeness. I often think of them, miss them, send them psychic love, and I wonder...What is it about friendships that allows them to fade? For things to pull us apart? For one or the other to become distant, to get more involved or interested in others. For things to get beyond repair or below priority? Been keeping my eyes open for a book to explain it all, the complexity of women's friendships and how to move on without always feeling unresolved drama and sadness.
I feel loss in current relationships too, that I don't have the personal time to divvy up for my friends. That my friends, too, get too busy for me. That my husband is also often too busy for me, working his tushie off to keep us afloat. I miss the flirting of dates gone by and the fun with friends. Can't recall the last movie I saw? Or last date I had? Last time I danced or laughed with friends.
Feeling more sentimental than sorry for myself, reality is that life now is about a survival partnership and deep purpose, and fun gets the shaft. Don't get me wrong, I embrace my choices and love my life. My daughter throws her head at my nose, and miraculously when the pain fades I notice that she straightened out a bump. I spend so much time (poorly) doing domestic tasks that need to be done. I grab moments for my work, my writing, a rare shower. I enjoy my girls, their hugs and kisses and silliness, and appreciate my husband and our sweet moments of affection. Life is meaning-full and joyful yet not necessarily full of fun nor levity.
Feeling like this, the movie began, then all bets were off. I laughed so hard, so long, so deep. Date Night was fun and funny. No matter that I was the only person in the theater, the sound of my laughter carried the space. I saw my marriage in the opening scenes – kids jumping painfully onto the parents, two exhausted adults who almost let the inertia cancel out date plans even when the sitter shows up. Then the movie took off with action, timing, great writing and an amazing cast led by the two funniest people in the biz today – Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Subtle humor followed with big bang comedy, extended hysterical scenes, high energy and hilarious characters. Set in NYC it has all the character of the most entertaining and fun city, and it's set to a great music soundtrack too. This is a great date or dateless movie, and I will see it again with my husband. The laughter did me good.
Though date night tonight was in fact date less, Date Night made me feel good about my marriage. When Foster (Carrell) says his last line to his wife (Fey) “I'd choose you. Every time.” I felt the same. So, my sitter showed up and my husband had a date deadline with work instead of his wife, choosing this movie was a tribute to him. "It's my love letter to commitment," says the filmmaker Shawn Levy. Awww.
Next up, dinner with my mom, which felt more like quality time with an old friend. In contrast to our usual conversations interrupted by needy children, we actually had multiple conversations about a variety of topics. These days I'm always pleasantly surprised when a dialogue actually has a beginning, middle and end. Date night really shaped up.
Choice is the main difference between relationships that last and those that don't. I'm realizing that the commitment of marriage makes all the difference in outcome. Creating a sacred covenant with another person is a clear soul intention to forever intertwine your destinies, your bodies, your homes. Sometimes people get un-married too, yet it doesn't diminish the original intention to spend forever together and the intimacy and interconnection that establishes itself. Once a marital contract is formed, the commitment contains the the choices that continue every day. Children are also a choice. Irregardless if one becomes a parent unintentionally or with great struggle, there is a spiritual way that souls choose to join a family. The parent-child bond survives death and family discord too.
Friendships form by happenstance, geography, proximity, affiliation, not necessarily by intentional choice nor with a commitment. Imagine if we had ceremonies to promise to be friends forever. No, most friendships require a loose hold. They are not exclusive and do not ask nearly as much of us as marriage or children or parents do. Possibly that explains their impermanence. Friendships are precious and provide many essential supports that marriage and family just cannot. They help us sustain our marriages and withstand family drama. Without a life time commitment, our choices of friends have the freedom to match each age and stage of life, with some friendships really lasting lifetimes. The really special ones are our soul sisters (and brothers), drawn together by a spiritual string. Friends can become family of choice when family of origin disintegrates. I love my friends, past and current, and I want more and more time for fun, for fellowship, for real. I love my husband and I want more and more time with him forever. “Honey, I'd choose you. Every time.”
Today is the 22nd night of the Omer, 3 weeks and 1 day of the Omer.
Practice: laughter is a spiritual practice. Go out and laugh. Find a movie new or old, or friend new or old who/that makes you laugh till your sides hurt.
Monday, April 19, 2010
21 - Celebrate Freedom!!!
With irony in honor of the Day of Independence I imprisoned my free-bird toddlers with 4 protective bed time precautions – backwards diapers, duct tape covering the backwards diaper tabs, backwards onesies and backwards pajamas. Yes, they are asserting their independence by stripping and streaking with bravado and Houdini-like talent. My cousin nicknamed her daughter Pootini during this stage and -oh merde! It really stinks. Less than two years old, each of the three is claiming her body, asserting herself and freely expressing her voice. At the moment, after being in bed for thirty minutes they are chatting in full voice, calling out in their own language. Freedom is fun!
With nightfall begins Israeli Independence Day, a time to celebrate big time. Miracles are possible, hope is alive, dreams aren't always dreamy, to keep them going you need to dig your hands into the dirt. I much prefer to highlight the freedom element of independence, and it fits in this omer period moving into the promised land. A tiny yet robust democracy in the midst of the mostly monarchical mid-East, Israel is a huge symbol of lived possibility and a powerhouse provider of innovation and dignity to the entire world. Forget about the day to day politics and personalities; focus on the mission and vision of the State of Israel.
Lehavdil, a distinction, between a global historical leader and an American tradition, Yom Ha'Atzmaut occurs when the Omer turns 21. Twenty-one is a year to go all out, let go, party without care. Teenagers count the days till that birthday and the symbolic freedom it brings. It marks a the beginning of adult life, exploration and formation of responsibility, career, individual identity. Israel too is but a young-in in the scope of statehood.
Age 21 is when one might start to ask “what am I going to do with my life?” in terms of profession, possibly relationships too. Age 2 is about “how quickly can I take my clothes off and shriek in delight?” Uh oh, well maybe, lehavdil, in a totally different context there's some of that at 21 too. And at age 62, the State of Israel's age, we still ask “what am I going to do with my life – from this point forward?” And at the same time “how can I celebrate my soul-gifts every day with joy?”
Independence provides so many choices that everything is possible, yet its always important to have a container. Wandering through the wilderness our ancestors were miserable, whining, complaining and rebelling. Say what?!? They hurriedly escaped slavery and weren't prepared for a paradigm shift. Years of traveling as a tribe allowed them to develop leadership, build faith and commit to rituals. One of the greatest spiritual teaching tools, Shabbat is about separating a day of rest from the work week with beginning rituals (candle lighting, kiddush, special music and prayers, a special meal) and a closing ritual (havdalah with kiddish, spices and braided candle, more songs). Just one example of Jewish practice that uses boundaries to create sacredness.
Entering a career window as an independent rabbi was a choice to concentrate on bringing my unique vision and talents in creating sanctuary for your soul as a consultancy. I have enjoyed the gift of freedom, choosing my projects, accepting appropriate collaborations, working with self-selected clients. And I maintained certain container connections – my email list, home base town, synagogue, colleagues, source for referrals. Providing my own boundaries, I am able to re-visit my vision, re-define the boundaries, and re-enter a new container when desired.
Pausing to see if our inner aspirations match our outer appearance and environment is a blessing of freedom. Examining the containers of our life with care, curiosity and compassion is crucial to feeling comfortable in our skin and speaking with a clear voice. Openness and the ability to change courses is a blessing of independence too, one that takes awareness and attention. When the omer counting began at the Passover Seder we asked a lot of questions. May the questioning continue as we count our way to revelation.
Today is the 21st day of the Omer, which is 3 weeks of the Omer.
Practice: Hit the pause button. (this teaching given to me by master certified coach Marian Baker). Pause for 10 minutes from your work to do something that feeds your soul. Each week, schedule a one hour pause for yourself too. For today, on this day of the Omer, consider the containers of your life and how well they represent your soul within. During each “pause button” moment, celebrate your independent and free soul!
With nightfall begins Israeli Independence Day, a time to celebrate big time. Miracles are possible, hope is alive, dreams aren't always dreamy, to keep them going you need to dig your hands into the dirt. I much prefer to highlight the freedom element of independence, and it fits in this omer period moving into the promised land. A tiny yet robust democracy in the midst of the mostly monarchical mid-East, Israel is a huge symbol of lived possibility and a powerhouse provider of innovation and dignity to the entire world. Forget about the day to day politics and personalities; focus on the mission and vision of the State of Israel.
Lehavdil, a distinction, between a global historical leader and an American tradition, Yom Ha'Atzmaut occurs when the Omer turns 21. Twenty-one is a year to go all out, let go, party without care. Teenagers count the days till that birthday and the symbolic freedom it brings. It marks a the beginning of adult life, exploration and formation of responsibility, career, individual identity. Israel too is but a young-in in the scope of statehood.
Age 21 is when one might start to ask “what am I going to do with my life?” in terms of profession, possibly relationships too. Age 2 is about “how quickly can I take my clothes off and shriek in delight?” Uh oh, well maybe, lehavdil, in a totally different context there's some of that at 21 too. And at age 62, the State of Israel's age, we still ask “what am I going to do with my life – from this point forward?” And at the same time “how can I celebrate my soul-gifts every day with joy?”
Independence provides so many choices that everything is possible, yet its always important to have a container. Wandering through the wilderness our ancestors were miserable, whining, complaining and rebelling. Say what?!? They hurriedly escaped slavery and weren't prepared for a paradigm shift. Years of traveling as a tribe allowed them to develop leadership, build faith and commit to rituals. One of the greatest spiritual teaching tools, Shabbat is about separating a day of rest from the work week with beginning rituals (candle lighting, kiddush, special music and prayers, a special meal) and a closing ritual (havdalah with kiddish, spices and braided candle, more songs). Just one example of Jewish practice that uses boundaries to create sacredness.
Entering a career window as an independent rabbi was a choice to concentrate on bringing my unique vision and talents in creating sanctuary for your soul as a consultancy. I have enjoyed the gift of freedom, choosing my projects, accepting appropriate collaborations, working with self-selected clients. And I maintained certain container connections – my email list, home base town, synagogue, colleagues, source for referrals. Providing my own boundaries, I am able to re-visit my vision, re-define the boundaries, and re-enter a new container when desired.
Pausing to see if our inner aspirations match our outer appearance and environment is a blessing of freedom. Examining the containers of our life with care, curiosity and compassion is crucial to feeling comfortable in our skin and speaking with a clear voice. Openness and the ability to change courses is a blessing of independence too, one that takes awareness and attention. When the omer counting began at the Passover Seder we asked a lot of questions. May the questioning continue as we count our way to revelation.
Today is the 21st day of the Omer, which is 3 weeks of the Omer.
Practice: Hit the pause button. (this teaching given to me by master certified coach Marian Baker). Pause for 10 minutes from your work to do something that feeds your soul. Each week, schedule a one hour pause for yourself too. For today, on this day of the Omer, consider the containers of your life and how well they represent your soul within. During each “pause button” moment, celebrate your independent and free soul!
20 - Triplets Twice
Six children under two, with only two birth dates amongst them, gobbled down an entire Tel Aviv pizza in minutes. Not a nursery school field trip, just two triplet families grabbing a rare unplanned moment to connect. That's how we roll, last minute, whatever works, as often as we can – which in reality means three times total in twenty months. For the first time they are big enough to play with one another, explore, share toys, lift gallon water weights, share solid food. Barely beyond the baby stage, these six cuties give their parents a chance to chat. Introduced by our ob/gyn, our relationship is founded on the sole shared experience of triplet life, not to be underestimated as anything less than an all-encompassing lens on life. One of the skills of being a triplet parent, we have learned how to distill parenting and housekeeping into powerful reductions without waste of time, energy or resources. Our survival depends on eliminating the extraneous and accepting assistance whenever offered or available. In the course of a couple hours watching the little ones and over dinner, we catch up on the trios, the older sibs, marriage, work, extended family, personal time (rather the lack of it).
I recalled memories of meeting this couple and bringing my months old girls along, visiting the expectant mom at home while on bed rest, holding their newborn babies in the hospital, stopping in to give support to a sister in the way that only one who survived can provide. Not that I was long past her milestones, our children are only seven months apart, six gestationally. At this point they share similar developmental achievements and interestingly there are parallel personalities in the birth order of our two sets. The baby As, the first borns, are both easy-going, sweet mush types and the baby Bs, next born, are both little pistols. The baby Cs have less obvious similarities but both are angelic daddy's girls.
Only Friday I re-published recollections of counting the days of my high-risk pregnancy (Anticipating the Omer: Counting of a Different Kind) and I re-read it too. The lived truths within the essay are still hard to hold; though much more healing has happened even since last year. Most of the time I don't remember the details about trying to conceive, learning about the triplet pregnancy, enduring it and extending it as long as possible for the sake of my babies while sacrificing my self. Isn't it so easy to forget painful moments and live presently in happier times? When I was in college first reflecting on my childhood there were so many blanks; with time work I filled them in and made sense of it all. There is a time to forget and a time to remember. Memory can protect us in both ways, enabling us to select what we need to survive and warning us what cannot be repeated. Memory can enable happiness too, providing contrast and gratitude.
My presence for this triplet mom during her pregnancy was modeled for me by an another amazing multiple mom. A common experience brought us together and deep friendships developed on both sides, between me and my family and each of the other families. In addition to having multiples, each of these three families has four children and we especially appreciate a warm home full of love and bodies. We know better than to judge, value gemilut hasadim (acts of lovingkindness), live modestly, and respect each others' accomplishments as parents and partners.
Friends help us remember who we are, where we've been, why we're here and how we want to move into the future together. They hold up the memories that may be buried away from pain so we can integrate them and honor them in the present. Friends see our strengths and success and remind us of those too. They bless our memories and create new memories with us.
Today is the 20th day of the Omer, that is 2 weeks and 6 days of the Omer. Today is Yom Hazikaron, a day of memory.
Practice: Take at least a minute of silence to remember lost memories. Consider how they shaped your present and how presence to them can bring blessings for you. Remember the memories of loved ones lost, honor their memory with action. Remember the sacrifice those you knew and did not know gave for your values, to give the gifts you cherish the most.
I recalled memories of meeting this couple and bringing my months old girls along, visiting the expectant mom at home while on bed rest, holding their newborn babies in the hospital, stopping in to give support to a sister in the way that only one who survived can provide. Not that I was long past her milestones, our children are only seven months apart, six gestationally. At this point they share similar developmental achievements and interestingly there are parallel personalities in the birth order of our two sets. The baby As, the first borns, are both easy-going, sweet mush types and the baby Bs, next born, are both little pistols. The baby Cs have less obvious similarities but both are angelic daddy's girls.
Only Friday I re-published recollections of counting the days of my high-risk pregnancy (Anticipating the Omer: Counting of a Different Kind) and I re-read it too. The lived truths within the essay are still hard to hold; though much more healing has happened even since last year. Most of the time I don't remember the details about trying to conceive, learning about the triplet pregnancy, enduring it and extending it as long as possible for the sake of my babies while sacrificing my self. Isn't it so easy to forget painful moments and live presently in happier times? When I was in college first reflecting on my childhood there were so many blanks; with time work I filled them in and made sense of it all. There is a time to forget and a time to remember. Memory can protect us in both ways, enabling us to select what we need to survive and warning us what cannot be repeated. Memory can enable happiness too, providing contrast and gratitude.
My presence for this triplet mom during her pregnancy was modeled for me by an another amazing multiple mom. A common experience brought us together and deep friendships developed on both sides, between me and my family and each of the other families. In addition to having multiples, each of these three families has four children and we especially appreciate a warm home full of love and bodies. We know better than to judge, value gemilut hasadim (acts of lovingkindness), live modestly, and respect each others' accomplishments as parents and partners.
Friends help us remember who we are, where we've been, why we're here and how we want to move into the future together. They hold up the memories that may be buried away from pain so we can integrate them and honor them in the present. Friends see our strengths and success and remind us of those too. They bless our memories and create new memories with us.
Today is the 20th day of the Omer, that is 2 weeks and 6 days of the Omer. Today is Yom Hazikaron, a day of memory.
Practice: Take at least a minute of silence to remember lost memories. Consider how they shaped your present and how presence to them can bring blessings for you. Remember the memories of loved ones lost, honor their memory with action. Remember the sacrifice those you knew and did not know gave for your values, to give the gifts you cherish the most.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
19 - Free Soul
Let me linger with this great combo of community and combo of comfort - extra life with day 18 and extra soul, neshama yeteirah, that arrives for each Shabbat. Would kind of like to stay and extend the 18=chai=life omer day that coincided with Shabbat today. Enjoyed the best of both worlds: Netivot/Pathways davenning my favorite way, then kiddush lunch with the rest of the community, friends, congregants, and my dad.
First, about favorites. While teaching this morning I noticed that I was repeating the phrase “one of my favorite _______”; noticing the words we repeat is an important reflective tool for teachers. As soon as I spotted the pattern I shared with the Netivot/Pathways participants that this is where I bring all of my favorites. Its true. My favorite chants, my favorite meditation techniques, my favorite spiritual teachings. My favorite movements chosen to stretch and stir body, mind and soul, emotions and energy too. Netivot is designed to be an experience of Shabbat in the truest sense, with the inner reflection and all-level presence to the sacred within and within all. My favorite way to spend Shabbat morning, deep in striving with minyan members all completely at choice with being there.
And about community. The impetus to create Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing (when I first jotted notes in 2000 and when I first offered a synagogue-based center in 2003 and as I continue to offer a non-center based sessions) was always to acknowledge everyone's unique pathway to soul and wisdom. Constantly moving on our own path, the traditional Jewish prayer service is not the place for everyone, at all times, to connect spiritually. The synagogue should still be a place to connect with community. Netivot/Pathways provides an alternative spiritual home base, often within a synagogue community. More than just another service a community can offer, it does the work of building community and catalyzing healing.
A natural center of community, temples and synagogues must serve lots of needs, and my contention is and always has been that the spiritual is primary. So clearly I remember reviewing the Mission Statement of a synagogue where I worked (there have been three so no need to assume it was one or the other) and looking again and again for any of the following: God, soul, spiritual. They were completely missing and sorely absent; it took about a year for me to provoke a re-write. No matter what the other missions are – Israel, social action, education, youth – aligning soul with service and service with soul is the key to effectiveness. Focusing on anything other without being true to soul is a dangerous shortcut. It may be easier, or quicker, or initially seem more accessible, but make no mistake soul must be at the center.
Netivot/Pathways throughout the years has offered multiple pathways for souls seeking wisdom. Already welcomed by synagogues, seminaries, youth groups, day schools, educator's groups, Hillels and Federations, my vision is that the Jewish community recognizes the need and supports my new model. Among the pathways are: Pathways Shabbatot across the country, Detox Rav Yoga, healing services and workshops, bereavement groups, Rav Yoga, Refu'ah Yoga, Jewish Spiritual Direction, Yoga Eema prenatal yoga, family Tefilla Yoga, Finding Your Soul Mate groups, High Holiday Institute, monthly Shabbat Netivot/Pathways, 12 Step Torah, and Tefila Yoga.
Tefila Yoga fuses the wisdoms of Judaism and yoga, breathing and moving prayerfully with yoga postures that match the kavanah (intent) of the siddur service prayers. Lauded by both experienced davveners (Jews fluent in traditional Jewish prayer) and those with less fluency or affinity for traditional prayer techniques, Tefila Yoga is a meeting place for both. When Orthodox and traditional pray-ers attend Tefila Yoga they go back to their minyan routine with added awareness and dimensions of spiritual experience and often a new appreciation for yoga wisdom. When people attracted to the yoga element attend, an accessible and relevant portal to Jewish prayer wisdom becomes part of their experience on the mat and also opens a point of connection for future davenning experiences of whatever type.
Such a blessing for me, and from me, Netivot/Pathways has been running High Holiday services for the past four years and Shabbat sessions for the past four months (in Chicago at Anshe Emet Synagogue). Returning to my roots of personal practice joined by amazing participants is fabulous. Recent years I was practicing baby asanas (i.e.diaper change asana) and embracing that asana while recovering from the effects of the triplet pregnancy. Far from my professional precedent of the early years of my career (ten years ago!), a conscious choice to open myself personally has deepened my work, attracted lovely followers and freed me to follow my soul in service.
Now I am ready to move into a new day. Today is day 19 of the Omer! That is 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Inspiration for today:
Learn about Sacred Activism (if you only want a short preview ff to 4:54 and watch that last piece)
More about soul and service with my favorite yoga instructor, the world renowned Seane Corn.
Support Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing – are you being called to support this work? I'm looking for your support in the forms of professional expertise, promotion, seeking great spaces, seeking invitations, seeking funding so we can take it to the next level and beyond. Contact me so we can talk.
First, about favorites. While teaching this morning I noticed that I was repeating the phrase “one of my favorite _______”; noticing the words we repeat is an important reflective tool for teachers. As soon as I spotted the pattern I shared with the Netivot/Pathways participants that this is where I bring all of my favorites. Its true. My favorite chants, my favorite meditation techniques, my favorite spiritual teachings. My favorite movements chosen to stretch and stir body, mind and soul, emotions and energy too. Netivot is designed to be an experience of Shabbat in the truest sense, with the inner reflection and all-level presence to the sacred within and within all. My favorite way to spend Shabbat morning, deep in striving with minyan members all completely at choice with being there.
And about community. The impetus to create Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing (when I first jotted notes in 2000 and when I first offered a synagogue-based center in 2003 and as I continue to offer a non-center based sessions) was always to acknowledge everyone's unique pathway to soul and wisdom. Constantly moving on our own path, the traditional Jewish prayer service is not the place for everyone, at all times, to connect spiritually. The synagogue should still be a place to connect with community. Netivot/Pathways provides an alternative spiritual home base, often within a synagogue community. More than just another service a community can offer, it does the work of building community and catalyzing healing.
A natural center of community, temples and synagogues must serve lots of needs, and my contention is and always has been that the spiritual is primary. So clearly I remember reviewing the Mission Statement of a synagogue where I worked (there have been three so no need to assume it was one or the other) and looking again and again for any of the following: God, soul, spiritual. They were completely missing and sorely absent; it took about a year for me to provoke a re-write. No matter what the other missions are – Israel, social action, education, youth – aligning soul with service and service with soul is the key to effectiveness. Focusing on anything other without being true to soul is a dangerous shortcut. It may be easier, or quicker, or initially seem more accessible, but make no mistake soul must be at the center.
Netivot/Pathways throughout the years has offered multiple pathways for souls seeking wisdom. Already welcomed by synagogues, seminaries, youth groups, day schools, educator's groups, Hillels and Federations, my vision is that the Jewish community recognizes the need and supports my new model. Among the pathways are: Pathways Shabbatot across the country, Detox Rav Yoga, healing services and workshops, bereavement groups, Rav Yoga, Refu'ah Yoga, Jewish Spiritual Direction, Yoga Eema prenatal yoga, family Tefilla Yoga, Finding Your Soul Mate groups, High Holiday Institute, monthly Shabbat Netivot/Pathways, 12 Step Torah, and Tefila Yoga.
Tefila Yoga fuses the wisdoms of Judaism and yoga, breathing and moving prayerfully with yoga postures that match the kavanah (intent) of the siddur service prayers. Lauded by both experienced davveners (Jews fluent in traditional Jewish prayer) and those with less fluency or affinity for traditional prayer techniques, Tefila Yoga is a meeting place for both. When Orthodox and traditional pray-ers attend Tefila Yoga they go back to their minyan routine with added awareness and dimensions of spiritual experience and often a new appreciation for yoga wisdom. When people attracted to the yoga element attend, an accessible and relevant portal to Jewish prayer wisdom becomes part of their experience on the mat and also opens a point of connection for future davenning experiences of whatever type.
Such a blessing for me, and from me, Netivot/Pathways has been running High Holiday services for the past four years and Shabbat sessions for the past four months (in Chicago at Anshe Emet Synagogue). Returning to my roots of personal practice joined by amazing participants is fabulous. Recent years I was practicing baby asanas (i.e.diaper change asana) and embracing that asana while recovering from the effects of the triplet pregnancy. Far from my professional precedent of the early years of my career (ten years ago!), a conscious choice to open myself personally has deepened my work, attracted lovely followers and freed me to follow my soul in service.
Now I am ready to move into a new day. Today is day 19 of the Omer! That is 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer.
Inspiration for today:
Learn about Sacred Activism (if you only want a short preview ff to 4:54 and watch that last piece)
More about soul and service with my favorite yoga instructor, the world renowned Seane Corn.
Support Netivot/Pathways: A Jewish Center for Growth and Healing – are you being called to support this work? I'm looking for your support in the forms of professional expertise, promotion, seeking great spaces, seeking invitations, seeking funding so we can take it to the next level and beyond. Contact me so we can talk.
Friday, April 16, 2010
18 - Counting of a Different Kind
Counting of a Different Kind: Anticipating the Omer
written and originally published in April 2009
Last year was different in a whole lot of ways. Every Passover I resolve to succeed at counting the Omer daily. How hard could it be to count 49 days? It starts out easy at the Seder on the second night. Today is the first day of the Omer. All I have to do is remember to say one sentence each day for the next 48 days, those leading up to the next major Jewish holiday Shavuot. Every year I failed; it seems the challenge wasn't big enough or meaningful enough for me to take so seriously. After all Shavuot would arrive seven weeks later whether or not I was counting days.
Last year counting was a matter of life and death. Counting is a serious thing. A superstitious Jewish custom forbids counting people as numbering lives diminishes them. This wisdom came long before the Shoah when the Nazis tattooed numbers for name replacements on our people's arms. At the same time, we encourage community and require ten people gathered for most prayer services, and even three for an official opening to the grace after meals.
In ancient times these days between Passover and Shavuot were a time of uncertainty and a struggle of hope and faith and fear and longing. My ancestors in the wilderness left slavery for a promising yet precarious future and they marched on through the desert motivated by a glimmer of redemption that they didn't fully expect. When we look back today, we know that the reward was the revelation of Torah on Shavuot, but they did not know that. Their grumbling and faltering shows that they barely believed, nor expected a gift of any sort.
One year ago Passover I was in my 25th week of pregnancy with triplets. Most people count months of pregnancy but when you are carrying triplets you actually count days. Zero percent of triplet pregnancies make it full term, and they are so fragile that there is a high chance of spontaneous abortion until you reach 20 weeks. Fifty percent of triplet pregnancies are delivered by 32 weeks, minimally eight weeks premature. Until 28 weeks gestation chances of survival are tiny, and the likelihood of serious life altering complications are great. Every single day the babies stay inside the womb and grow increases their chances for life and for health.
Once the 20 week mark went by I took a breath - just one. Then I looked at the calendar and set my next goal. Instead of the 28 week mark, I would switch to the Jewish calendar, striving to count through the entire period of the Omer and through Shavuot. That would put me at exactly 33 weeks. From there I would reevaluate and set a new goal.
In contrast to years past, all I could do last year was count. I counted another day of keeping my babies alive, another day for them to grow, another day for building fat reserves to keep them warm, another day for their lungs to develop so they could hopefully breathe on their own. Each day in the womb reduces the days in the NICU by multiples.
When we held our first Seder I was 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my triplets. I was already confined to home, barely able to walk, triplet heavy with babies. My belly was already the size of a full term singleton pregnancy. Instead of a cloth napkin I used a table cloth. I counted my weight gain. I counted the clothes I outgrew. I counted the vitamins I swallowed. I labored over breath. I had few moments of sleep or comfort the entire pregnancy.
I counted to keep myself going. I did not know how much I could endure nor what outcome would befall me or when. I was at the mercy of fate and fellow. I had no choice but to let people help, to force a smile on my pained face to offer thanks for food delivered, meals served. It is difficult now for me to recount the details and to face the reality that I endured. Triplet pregnancies are amazing and all, but they are not pretty. As my doctor said again and again, bodies aren't made to carry three babies. It is miraculous that my uterus accommodated three babies, yet no cell of my being managed to make it through unaffected.
I went into labor towards the end of Shavuot. Even though I reached my goal of completing the Omer counting, 33 weeks was still too soon. As much as I wanted to meet these babies, I wanted them to grow bigger inside me even if it meant tolerating more hugeness and more heaviness and more hell. If I were to be really honest about the whole thing I would tell you in detail how I lost all my dignity, how vanity and self were decimated as I surrendered moment by moment with determination to do right by these souls.
Writing these words, I cannot continue to be present to the teary memories of those thirty-three weeks and the four days that followed, so I fast forward until Shabbat arrived with an eerie yet elegant air of serenity. The Shabbat Queen surely entered and changed the quality of time as I enjoyed dinner with my husband, step-daughter and father-in-law. The next morning I awoke to silence and sunrise over Lake Michigan. Upon awakening I couldn't predict that counting days was complete and by the next morning and for the rest of my life I would be counting in threes. Counting with confidence in the outcome is relegated to the past. Now I do not expect that just because I am counting the revelation will be granted. Far from simple, when we begin to count we cannot expect we will reach completion. When each day is a matter of life or death, we must count carefully and consciously.
Tonight, Friday April 16, 2010, after Shabbat arrives it will be the 18th day of the Omer. 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer. 18, chai, life!
Thank you for participating in the Online Omer Counting Community, for reading, for following, for sharing your comments and sharing with your friends. Shabbat Shalom!
written and originally published in April 2009
Last year was different in a whole lot of ways. Every Passover I resolve to succeed at counting the Omer daily. How hard could it be to count 49 days? It starts out easy at the Seder on the second night. Today is the first day of the Omer. All I have to do is remember to say one sentence each day for the next 48 days, those leading up to the next major Jewish holiday Shavuot. Every year I failed; it seems the challenge wasn't big enough or meaningful enough for me to take so seriously. After all Shavuot would arrive seven weeks later whether or not I was counting days.
Last year counting was a matter of life and death. Counting is a serious thing. A superstitious Jewish custom forbids counting people as numbering lives diminishes them. This wisdom came long before the Shoah when the Nazis tattooed numbers for name replacements on our people's arms. At the same time, we encourage community and require ten people gathered for most prayer services, and even three for an official opening to the grace after meals.
In ancient times these days between Passover and Shavuot were a time of uncertainty and a struggle of hope and faith and fear and longing. My ancestors in the wilderness left slavery for a promising yet precarious future and they marched on through the desert motivated by a glimmer of redemption that they didn't fully expect. When we look back today, we know that the reward was the revelation of Torah on Shavuot, but they did not know that. Their grumbling and faltering shows that they barely believed, nor expected a gift of any sort.
One year ago Passover I was in my 25th week of pregnancy with triplets. Most people count months of pregnancy but when you are carrying triplets you actually count days. Zero percent of triplet pregnancies make it full term, and they are so fragile that there is a high chance of spontaneous abortion until you reach 20 weeks. Fifty percent of triplet pregnancies are delivered by 32 weeks, minimally eight weeks premature. Until 28 weeks gestation chances of survival are tiny, and the likelihood of serious life altering complications are great. Every single day the babies stay inside the womb and grow increases their chances for life and for health.
Once the 20 week mark went by I took a breath - just one. Then I looked at the calendar and set my next goal. Instead of the 28 week mark, I would switch to the Jewish calendar, striving to count through the entire period of the Omer and through Shavuot. That would put me at exactly 33 weeks. From there I would reevaluate and set a new goal.
In contrast to years past, all I could do last year was count. I counted another day of keeping my babies alive, another day for them to grow, another day for building fat reserves to keep them warm, another day for their lungs to develop so they could hopefully breathe on their own. Each day in the womb reduces the days in the NICU by multiples.
When we held our first Seder I was 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my triplets. I was already confined to home, barely able to walk, triplet heavy with babies. My belly was already the size of a full term singleton pregnancy. Instead of a cloth napkin I used a table cloth. I counted my weight gain. I counted the clothes I outgrew. I counted the vitamins I swallowed. I labored over breath. I had few moments of sleep or comfort the entire pregnancy.
I counted to keep myself going. I did not know how much I could endure nor what outcome would befall me or when. I was at the mercy of fate and fellow. I had no choice but to let people help, to force a smile on my pained face to offer thanks for food delivered, meals served. It is difficult now for me to recount the details and to face the reality that I endured. Triplet pregnancies are amazing and all, but they are not pretty. As my doctor said again and again, bodies aren't made to carry three babies. It is miraculous that my uterus accommodated three babies, yet no cell of my being managed to make it through unaffected.
I went into labor towards the end of Shavuot. Even though I reached my goal of completing the Omer counting, 33 weeks was still too soon. As much as I wanted to meet these babies, I wanted them to grow bigger inside me even if it meant tolerating more hugeness and more heaviness and more hell. If I were to be really honest about the whole thing I would tell you in detail how I lost all my dignity, how vanity and self were decimated as I surrendered moment by moment with determination to do right by these souls.
Writing these words, I cannot continue to be present to the teary memories of those thirty-three weeks and the four days that followed, so I fast forward until Shabbat arrived with an eerie yet elegant air of serenity. The Shabbat Queen surely entered and changed the quality of time as I enjoyed dinner with my husband, step-daughter and father-in-law. The next morning I awoke to silence and sunrise over Lake Michigan. Upon awakening I couldn't predict that counting days was complete and by the next morning and for the rest of my life I would be counting in threes. Counting with confidence in the outcome is relegated to the past. Now I do not expect that just because I am counting the revelation will be granted. Far from simple, when we begin to count we cannot expect we will reach completion. When each day is a matter of life or death, we must count carefully and consciously.
Tonight, Friday April 16, 2010, after Shabbat arrives it will be the 18th day of the Omer. 2 weeks and 5 days of the Omer. 18, chai, life!
Thank you for participating in the Online Omer Counting Community, for reading, for following, for sharing your comments and sharing with your friends. Shabbat Shalom!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
17 - Counting Chromosomes
All three of us were sucking on Tootsie Pops from the embryologist's stash of candy, and enjoying ourselves even while I was quite uncomfortable with each of the three poking sessions. The expert prenatal diagnostician who was a pioneer of this CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling ) procedure in the United States, and who would soon become my primary ob/gyn, was taking samples from the chorion (pre-placental) tissue of each twelve week old fetus. Genetic tests would give us valuable information about the health of each fetus enabling us to make the best decisions about their care. Some of the most dire chromosomal outcomes happen when there are too many or too few chromosomes. While we were counting days until the results came in, some geneticist was counting chromosomes.
Omer counting is bound by a thick cord to my pregnancy because my first success at counting each day was when I was on bed rest counting towards the goal of carrying my three beyond the average triplet term of 32 weeks to 33 weeks. In 5768/2008 getting through the Omer counting period was the Jewish calendar's way of determining life and death. Had I gone into labor at the beginning of the omer they would have been 26 weeks, not really viable. For those of you now thinking that usually pregancy lasts 40 weeks, it is significant that fifty percent of triplet pregnancies end at 28 weeks. And those surviving babies can be under 2 pounds with scary odds and need lots of intervention and months of NICU time. I wrote my first ever omer piece last year in reflection of that very real counting towards life (I will share it with you for tomorrow in advance of counting on Shabbat). I went into labor on Shavuot, just after the counting ended, and after five more days in the hospital holding them in just a bit longer they were born.
All chromosomes had previously been accounted for. Upon hearing the results, minus the gender determination, we were relieved to learn that there were no chromosomal abnormalities. Genetic tests give valuable information that may determine the course of a pregnancy and pre-natal treatment. Multiple gestations complicate the environment because one fetus in distress can threaten the others. Done between 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, CVS gives results much sooner than amniocentesis and give more options to expectant parents – again especially in multiple pregnancies or for families with known genetic concerns. Though we weren't in the latter category, it is significant that technology makes it possible to genetically test embryos before they are implanted. The impact of this is huge. When the genetic panel blood draw shows that wanna-be parents, or genetic donors, are carriers of Jewish genetic diseases (or other less common ones) the information may lead to a decision to pursue in vitro fertilization (IVF) and pre-implantation embryonic genetic screening. With chromosomal abnormalities that always prevent a pregnancy from producing a child, this can spare the mother. With genetic diseases that will bring disability or pain it is helpful information that may help families prepare.
Connection to my synagogue community and several sunny hours at shul today in meetings and shmoozing inspired this kind-of preachy topic. In my home community this Shabbat is Jewish Genetics Shabbat co-sponsored by the national resource Chicago Center for Jewish Genetic Disorders when we will hear personal stories from the bimah Shabbat morning. Community is the partner theme for today. I felt so at home today at shul, warmed by the real community feeling. I think in my original omer essay I commented on the community support during our high risk pregnancy and challenging start so I won't go further with that here. For today, in the present, I'm happy to be getting back to being a contributing member of the community, helping to care for those who cared for me, and those who will in turn share with others in their need.
Abundant blessings in our community mean that I cannot even count the number of people who assisted us in our times of need. Once we got past counting chromosomes, and counting days till our babies entered the world, we got busy counting fingers and toes, diapers and bottles, hours of sleep. Nearly two years later we get to count ourselves blessed with a full family and a close community for sharing caring. Now that is worth counting each day.
Today is the 17th day of the Omer, 2 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
Also this Shabbat is Netivot/Pathways, a contemplative alternative morning of meditation, yoga and more. We will try to coordinate timing with the Jewish Genetic Shabbat speakers, then continue Netivot/Pathways with a Spiritual Direction session and more.
and for personal practice: try listening to another person's story with the intent of only listening for the bigger picture, what is important to THEM, where God is in it for them. take a break from comparing yourself, from critiquing their decisions or life, from correcting them or giving advice. this is the practice of Spiritual Direction; you can try it for your self. I welcome your reactions and responses.
Omer counting is bound by a thick cord to my pregnancy because my first success at counting each day was when I was on bed rest counting towards the goal of carrying my three beyond the average triplet term of 32 weeks to 33 weeks. In 5768/2008 getting through the Omer counting period was the Jewish calendar's way of determining life and death. Had I gone into labor at the beginning of the omer they would have been 26 weeks, not really viable. For those of you now thinking that usually pregancy lasts 40 weeks, it is significant that fifty percent of triplet pregnancies end at 28 weeks. And those surviving babies can be under 2 pounds with scary odds and need lots of intervention and months of NICU time. I wrote my first ever omer piece last year in reflection of that very real counting towards life (I will share it with you for tomorrow in advance of counting on Shabbat). I went into labor on Shavuot, just after the counting ended, and after five more days in the hospital holding them in just a bit longer they were born.
All chromosomes had previously been accounted for. Upon hearing the results, minus the gender determination, we were relieved to learn that there were no chromosomal abnormalities. Genetic tests give valuable information that may determine the course of a pregnancy and pre-natal treatment. Multiple gestations complicate the environment because one fetus in distress can threaten the others. Done between 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, CVS gives results much sooner than amniocentesis and give more options to expectant parents – again especially in multiple pregnancies or for families with known genetic concerns. Though we weren't in the latter category, it is significant that technology makes it possible to genetically test embryos before they are implanted. The impact of this is huge. When the genetic panel blood draw shows that wanna-be parents, or genetic donors, are carriers of Jewish genetic diseases (or other less common ones) the information may lead to a decision to pursue in vitro fertilization (IVF) and pre-implantation embryonic genetic screening. With chromosomal abnormalities that always prevent a pregnancy from producing a child, this can spare the mother. With genetic diseases that will bring disability or pain it is helpful information that may help families prepare.
Connection to my synagogue community and several sunny hours at shul today in meetings and shmoozing inspired this kind-of preachy topic. In my home community this Shabbat is Jewish Genetics Shabbat co-sponsored by the national resource Chicago Center for Jewish Genetic Disorders when we will hear personal stories from the bimah Shabbat morning. Community is the partner theme for today. I felt so at home today at shul, warmed by the real community feeling. I think in my original omer essay I commented on the community support during our high risk pregnancy and challenging start so I won't go further with that here. For today, in the present, I'm happy to be getting back to being a contributing member of the community, helping to care for those who cared for me, and those who will in turn share with others in their need.
Abundant blessings in our community mean that I cannot even count the number of people who assisted us in our times of need. Once we got past counting chromosomes, and counting days till our babies entered the world, we got busy counting fingers and toes, diapers and bottles, hours of sleep. Nearly two years later we get to count ourselves blessed with a full family and a close community for sharing caring. Now that is worth counting each day.
Today is the 17th day of the Omer, 2 weeks and 3 days of the Omer.
Also this Shabbat is Netivot/Pathways, a contemplative alternative morning of meditation, yoga and more. We will try to coordinate timing with the Jewish Genetic Shabbat speakers, then continue Netivot/Pathways with a Spiritual Direction session and more.
and for personal practice: try listening to another person's story with the intent of only listening for the bigger picture, what is important to THEM, where God is in it for them. take a break from comparing yourself, from critiquing their decisions or life, from correcting them or giving advice. this is the practice of Spiritual Direction; you can try it for your self. I welcome your reactions and responses.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
16 - Lessons on Kabbalah
Thought I'd arrived in the looney bin the way all five veterinary staff were oohing and ahhing and baby-talking to my dog as we stepped through the threshold of the office. Really, they were going ga-ga about how cute, how sweet, how excited he was, each of them calling him by name. It seemed way over the top and was more gooey affection than I think the dog has ever received.
When I walk into the pediatrician's office with my truly gush-worthy adorable triplets the staff barely even says hello. They have never greeted me much less my children with more than a glance. Aware of the numerous issues, I have made every attempt to make nice, introduce myself, ask for their names, call them by name. Once I even brought chocolate for the front staff. Still, no smiles, no love. What's wrong with this picture?
The beauty of this omer counting practice is that I can't do it prematurely. The mitzvah requires counting after nightfall which cultivates a certain waiting and listening for the message to become clear. Just like the practice of Spiritual Direction cultivates discernment. Sure, this morning I was sure that I could write a whole entry about how I no longer think dogs are people, even though they might think themselves human, and that with huge expenses and time demands from four children my dogs have been demoted back to canines.
One story I will still share is how I responded aghast to someone who asked while I was pregnant what we would do with the dogs once the triplets arrived. “What will you do with your child when you have another one?” I questioned. Ha! Now it's time for me to admit that I was illusional. Mea culpa. S'licha. During one near breakdown during the first survival year, with great awareness of my limited resources – time, money and sanity, I decided the dogs were done. My first baby and her adopted buddy had become a burden I couldn't bear so my husband claimed sole responsibility for their care. Still here, there's no chance they'll get to go to day care as my vet suggested today unless I can easily afford to enroll my real human children in classes.
Earlier I honked at a car that was picking up speed driving in the shoulder and possibly pulling out into my lane and her pedestrian friend yelled out a nasty comment to me. Before that I stopped at a green light for an imminently approaching ambulance and the car in the left lane gunned it through the intersection. Things like this make me so mad. Not road rage mad, just frustrated and sad. Why are people so on edge? Or so indifferent?
I trust my childrens' lives to the pediatrician's office and they can't even bring themselves to smile and be friendly. When I call with an issue I have to leave a message and it takes hours to get a call back; the vet office talked to me right then, and called me back exactly when promised with a message from the doc. They scheduled me for the very next morning; getting an urgent appointment at the pediatrician's office takes pressure, sometimes a demand. Several times my attempts failed and I had to go to the ER with a $150 co-pay (per child!) because the pediatric practice schedule was full. Many times I have considered switching offices and probably will do it one day, but I love our doctor. She is the reason we chose this practice and the reason we stay.
The contrast between the Veterinary Office and the Pediatrician's office is stark. Although I try to shy away from politics this is surely about health care policy and our country's priorities. Backed up by the huge rise in pets given up for adoption because their owners can't afford to feed themselves in this economy let alone feed their pets, I know pet ownership is a luxury. And this veterinary office has more art on the walls than my childrens' pediatric office.
Health care for humans is not a luxury, it is a right. And providers should be just as excited and eager to see each patient as these crazy animal people are to see my hyper dog. An enthusiastic reception from my vet people shouldn't be such a surprise. Service like that should be expected and required from all health care providers – especially those who treat humans, who save our lives and support our return to health. Medicine is medical, I get that, yet people are more than bodies. We are souls and need to be treated as such.
In Hebrew the word for reception (such as at a hotel) is kabbalah. Hospitality is implied in every meeting and greeting. Within the word is the action of welcoming the person who approaches with the same mystical and sacred intent as with which we receive revelation, light, and all the greatest gifts. That is how my dog was greeted today and should be how we each greet each other in every instance.
And, for this 16th day, two weeks and 2 days of the omer, I offer a blessing for justice and dignity, for honor and love. For every member of our human family, and also for our animal friends.
Today is the 16th day of the Omer.
Practice: It's a good time to practice breathing. In. Out. Slower inhale, slower exhale. Deeper inhale, deeper exhale. Inhale peace and goodness, exhale and let go, release. Breath life, your soul. Follow the circle of life in and out of your body, with curious attention to your breath. With each breath, relax a different part of your body, beginning with the top of your head, slowly through each area, all the way to your toes. Let balance and love and compassion establish themselves in your present moment.
When I walk into the pediatrician's office with my truly gush-worthy adorable triplets the staff barely even says hello. They have never greeted me much less my children with more than a glance. Aware of the numerous issues, I have made every attempt to make nice, introduce myself, ask for their names, call them by name. Once I even brought chocolate for the front staff. Still, no smiles, no love. What's wrong with this picture?
The beauty of this omer counting practice is that I can't do it prematurely. The mitzvah requires counting after nightfall which cultivates a certain waiting and listening for the message to become clear. Just like the practice of Spiritual Direction cultivates discernment. Sure, this morning I was sure that I could write a whole entry about how I no longer think dogs are people, even though they might think themselves human, and that with huge expenses and time demands from four children my dogs have been demoted back to canines.
One story I will still share is how I responded aghast to someone who asked while I was pregnant what we would do with the dogs once the triplets arrived. “What will you do with your child when you have another one?” I questioned. Ha! Now it's time for me to admit that I was illusional. Mea culpa. S'licha. During one near breakdown during the first survival year, with great awareness of my limited resources – time, money and sanity, I decided the dogs were done. My first baby and her adopted buddy had become a burden I couldn't bear so my husband claimed sole responsibility for their care. Still here, there's no chance they'll get to go to day care as my vet suggested today unless I can easily afford to enroll my real human children in classes.
Earlier I honked at a car that was picking up speed driving in the shoulder and possibly pulling out into my lane and her pedestrian friend yelled out a nasty comment to me. Before that I stopped at a green light for an imminently approaching ambulance and the car in the left lane gunned it through the intersection. Things like this make me so mad. Not road rage mad, just frustrated and sad. Why are people so on edge? Or so indifferent?
I trust my childrens' lives to the pediatrician's office and they can't even bring themselves to smile and be friendly. When I call with an issue I have to leave a message and it takes hours to get a call back; the vet office talked to me right then, and called me back exactly when promised with a message from the doc. They scheduled me for the very next morning; getting an urgent appointment at the pediatrician's office takes pressure, sometimes a demand. Several times my attempts failed and I had to go to the ER with a $150 co-pay (per child!) because the pediatric practice schedule was full. Many times I have considered switching offices and probably will do it one day, but I love our doctor. She is the reason we chose this practice and the reason we stay.
The contrast between the Veterinary Office and the Pediatrician's office is stark. Although I try to shy away from politics this is surely about health care policy and our country's priorities. Backed up by the huge rise in pets given up for adoption because their owners can't afford to feed themselves in this economy let alone feed their pets, I know pet ownership is a luxury. And this veterinary office has more art on the walls than my childrens' pediatric office.
Health care for humans is not a luxury, it is a right. And providers should be just as excited and eager to see each patient as these crazy animal people are to see my hyper dog. An enthusiastic reception from my vet people shouldn't be such a surprise. Service like that should be expected and required from all health care providers – especially those who treat humans, who save our lives and support our return to health. Medicine is medical, I get that, yet people are more than bodies. We are souls and need to be treated as such.
In Hebrew the word for reception (such as at a hotel) is kabbalah. Hospitality is implied in every meeting and greeting. Within the word is the action of welcoming the person who approaches with the same mystical and sacred intent as with which we receive revelation, light, and all the greatest gifts. That is how my dog was greeted today and should be how we each greet each other in every instance.
And, for this 16th day, two weeks and 2 days of the omer, I offer a blessing for justice and dignity, for honor and love. For every member of our human family, and also for our animal friends.
Today is the 16th day of the Omer.
Practice: It's a good time to practice breathing. In. Out. Slower inhale, slower exhale. Deeper inhale, deeper exhale. Inhale peace and goodness, exhale and let go, release. Breath life, your soul. Follow the circle of life in and out of your body, with curious attention to your breath. With each breath, relax a different part of your body, beginning with the top of your head, slowly through each area, all the way to your toes. Let balance and love and compassion establish themselves in your present moment.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
15 - doing my days
At a shiva house today two people were talking about me literally behind my back. Standing right next to me they were discussing my personal and professional commitments, just wondering to each other out loud how I manage my life. I was sitting, or standing near the food table, tending to my flock of three -wiping faces, cleaning up spills, enjoying the zen of motherhood.
This morning, and yesterday too, I awoke to a peaceful house, rather my husband gently woke me to tell me it was time to get up. It was so quiet, I was so comfortable, so soundly sleeping, so content in my body laying in bed. I didn't believe that it was already 9:30 am and the girls were quiet. What a great start to the day.
I sensed that this peace would pervade the day. And it did. My first vision of the girls upon opening their door was silliness. Two grinning girls completely naked, the third dressed and equally proud of herself. We ate breakfast together, and I made a to do list. We played.
Yesterday at nap time I loaded them up for a ride. For the first time ever, all three walked to the car. No pulling the car up to the door while hoping they are safe inside, carrying them out one at a time and then going back for bags. One single procession. How amazing is that? So amazing! We stopped to see my Grandma so she could see with her own eyes that Hallel really can walk now. She had been really worried about my easy going girl. I took them to my mom at work and they followed their Savta around the high school like little duckings. I ducked out to go to a meeting with a favorite colleague. We had lots of fun at Savta and Grandma Jerry's house, more play and a delicious dinner. Home late at night, I designed Haley's siddur cover.
Today during nap time I assembled new furniture for Haley's room, purchased to make things more comfortable for my dad. Then, I wrote my day 14 piece, and sent an email correspondence about an exciting job possibility, and another about another promising position.
After nap time we again walked out to the car and drove to our friend's house for a shiva visit. The girls played in the yard, sat on a big kid swing, fell in the mud, rode around on big wheels and scooters, all tended to by the Silver kids. They spotted spaghetti and ate their fill. They traipsed around the house like little menschen. I kept a loose eye on them and allowed them to explore and to mingle, to nosh too. I managed to squeeze in some brief conversations with the family and with my shul people, really good people. After searching for and finding all six shoes, two friends (former congregants) and I each carried out a girl. I arrived home with five minutes till the start of a business webinar. I turned over bed time to Abba and signed on to focus on my passion of providing people the best organic skin and body care.
Tomorrow I begin a new class, teaching Rav Yoga at a day school enrichment program, and next on my agenda is to design an amazing first day for these children. At the moment I don't have child care arranged for the afternoon, so that is also a priority.
In case you were wondering, like the women tonight were in full voice, there's the outline of my week thus far. Yes, I am mostly occupied with mommying and yes, my professional passions round out my life. What a blessing that I love my work and love my people!
This is for today. I imagine that life post-Omer will look quite different. Uh-oh. Pause. Aha! I may have just discovered my counting calling for the year – a transition from mostly mommying into a working Wonder Woman. Time to break out the Feminum cuffs.
for today: what is worth sharing about your daily life? what brought a smile to your face today? have you discovered what this Omer counting period means for you? are you transitioning in these seven weeks, intentionally or not?
This morning, and yesterday too, I awoke to a peaceful house, rather my husband gently woke me to tell me it was time to get up. It was so quiet, I was so comfortable, so soundly sleeping, so content in my body laying in bed. I didn't believe that it was already 9:30 am and the girls were quiet. What a great start to the day.
I sensed that this peace would pervade the day. And it did. My first vision of the girls upon opening their door was silliness. Two grinning girls completely naked, the third dressed and equally proud of herself. We ate breakfast together, and I made a to do list. We played.
Yesterday at nap time I loaded them up for a ride. For the first time ever, all three walked to the car. No pulling the car up to the door while hoping they are safe inside, carrying them out one at a time and then going back for bags. One single procession. How amazing is that? So amazing! We stopped to see my Grandma so she could see with her own eyes that Hallel really can walk now. She had been really worried about my easy going girl. I took them to my mom at work and they followed their Savta around the high school like little duckings. I ducked out to go to a meeting with a favorite colleague. We had lots of fun at Savta and Grandma Jerry's house, more play and a delicious dinner. Home late at night, I designed Haley's siddur cover.
Today during nap time I assembled new furniture for Haley's room, purchased to make things more comfortable for my dad. Then, I wrote my day 14 piece, and sent an email correspondence about an exciting job possibility, and another about another promising position.
After nap time we again walked out to the car and drove to our friend's house for a shiva visit. The girls played in the yard, sat on a big kid swing, fell in the mud, rode around on big wheels and scooters, all tended to by the Silver kids. They spotted spaghetti and ate their fill. They traipsed around the house like little menschen. I kept a loose eye on them and allowed them to explore and to mingle, to nosh too. I managed to squeeze in some brief conversations with the family and with my shul people, really good people. After searching for and finding all six shoes, two friends (former congregants) and I each carried out a girl. I arrived home with five minutes till the start of a business webinar. I turned over bed time to Abba and signed on to focus on my passion of providing people the best organic skin and body care.
Tomorrow I begin a new class, teaching Rav Yoga at a day school enrichment program, and next on my agenda is to design an amazing first day for these children. At the moment I don't have child care arranged for the afternoon, so that is also a priority.
In case you were wondering, like the women tonight were in full voice, there's the outline of my week thus far. Yes, I am mostly occupied with mommying and yes, my professional passions round out my life. What a blessing that I love my work and love my people!
This is for today. I imagine that life post-Omer will look quite different. Uh-oh. Pause. Aha! I may have just discovered my counting calling for the year – a transition from mostly mommying into a working Wonder Woman. Time to break out the Feminum cuffs.
for today: what is worth sharing about your daily life? what brought a smile to your face today? have you discovered what this Omer counting period means for you? are you transitioning in these seven weeks, intentionally or not?
14 - Soul Bundles
Too busy, then too tired, from doing a mom job designing a siddur cover for an upcoming ceremony, writing about the omer was not happening last night.
All day long I had been thinking about the approaching day number fourteen, the day of June in 2008 that I birthed my three now-toddler babies. For sure it has become my favorite number, next to the pervasive and simple power of 3. The gematria geek in me loves that it is divided to make 7, my older daughters birth date (March '02), and multiplied to make 28, the dates of both their Abba's and Eema's birth (in September and November of respectively – of different years). All on cycles of seven, the holy number of completion and Shabbat peace, we are a soul family, drawn together to create a sacred home.
My previously quoted friend Nikki taught me at my pre-wedding women's Shabbat gathering that she knows the primary value that defines her marriage and she keeps it in mind, especially when she looks in her husband's eyes during a tough time. Of all the lessons shared by women that day, hers is the one that I count on the most. I remember the first time my husband and I held each other I felt something mystical in my heart, heart opening, heart connection. It took some attention and observation to discover (and confirm and re-affirm) that the primary value that defines my marriage is generosity. We inspire generosity in one another and challenge each other to expand our hearts, home and pockets in hospitality, sharing and openness. While writing today my musical muse is none other than Naomi Less, who was the spiritual leader of that Shabbat Kallah (Bride's Shabbat). Our theme song “What You Give” just revealed itself while I'm listening to her cd Meshuga'at. “ And I believe, ani maamina, that the life you live is about what you give.” More than anything, this is our family belief.
My oldest daughter, the big sister of triplets, was my first soul daughter and despite having no biological connection to her nor a legal one, I selfishly feel that she was brought into the world for me. Not only for me, but still, for our souls to share life together. When she is not at home with us, a piece is missing. When she is at home, or at least sleeping at home for the night, the peace returns. Last night I was creating a photo collage of her first day of Hebrew school, her Purim costumes throughout the years, Hanukah candlelighting, pre-Holiday photos, and life cycle moments; this will become the siddur cover for her very first siddur. Last Shabbat she read Torah for the first time. Eight years old and she wants to read Torah, reminds me to light Shabbat candles, and is a mitzvah maker.
Like her, I am an oldest daugher-oldest child and am positioned between parents as the first tie that binds. Negotiating the changes my father's illness forces in our family, my perspective on my divorced parents is compassionate to both. All through their divorce and post-divorce life I set a clear zero-tolerance boundary for negative complaints about each other. I'll allow a certain amount of reflection of the past, but no current criticism. Knowing first hand how divorce redefines one's life, I try to be compassionate to my parents without enabling triangulation. They are grown ups with their own adult resources and are doing just fine with it. Now, unexpectedly- we are again in close proximity again, having celebrated Passover all together. As a child, it was surprisingly sweet to have both my parents there, with my mom's new husband, and with all of us children and grandchildren. Worth mentioning is that Passover begins on the 14th of Nissan.
I think the most important thing a parent can model for their children is a loving and respectful regard for the other people the child loves. Including one's self, the other parent or parents, if any, grandparents, siblings. Regardless of how young or old the child is, she is the center of her own world of soul connections. Parenting is not easy, especially challenging when you don't have that soul connection or any positive feelings for the other important people in your child's life.
Imagine the twine that rounds a bundle of grain, a literal Omer. We each bundle together our soul family. My s-daughter bundles me together as her "other mother", in with my husband and also with her mother. She is our only connection to her mother, and holds us together in her top three caretakers, love providers and role models. That alone forces the responsibility upon us to treat one another – with words, actions AND heart- with goodness, respect and dare-I-say a beloved regard. Realizing this ideal is the most emotionally challenging task, especially when thinking about the history and even current conflicts. And, even when the other is mean, spiteful, abusive, hateful to us, we are responsible for fostering only love between our child and that person. I can hold this expectation for my parents because I hold it for myself, and I hold God accountable in the same manner. More than simply giving money for tzedakah from the physical realm, we reach deep into our mental depths and through our spiritual seeking to consciously carefully give generously from our hearts.
Today is the 14th day of the Omer, which is 2 weeks of the Omer.
From What You Give (Naomi Less on Meshuga'at) – www.naomiless.com:
My mind will know your troubles, but I don't comprehend
how your pain will never turn you bitter in the end.
You never show the truth behind your unassuming smile,
so rest a minute listen to my words
You bring me joy, sasson v'simcha,
you bring great love, ahava rabba,
And I believe, ani maamina,
that the life you live is about what you give.”
more reflections:
Safety first, always sharing love, then what else? I asked my facebook friends “what is the most important thing a parent should model for their children?” Answers include: shoes, patience, and shalom bayit. What would you add? What can you do today to free yourself up to be the best you can be?
Stress makes it hard to be our best. You may need to start with some alone time, self-nurturing, a treat. I would start with dark chocolate, a long hot shower and my 10 step miessence (www.ravyogaorganics.com) facial at home. Before putting yourself through a rigorous inventory, take care of yourself and then consider your primary values. Please share!
All day long I had been thinking about the approaching day number fourteen, the day of June in 2008 that I birthed my three now-toddler babies. For sure it has become my favorite number, next to the pervasive and simple power of 3. The gematria geek in me loves that it is divided to make 7, my older daughters birth date (March '02), and multiplied to make 28, the dates of both their Abba's and Eema's birth (in September and November of respectively – of different years). All on cycles of seven, the holy number of completion and Shabbat peace, we are a soul family, drawn together to create a sacred home.
My previously quoted friend Nikki taught me at my pre-wedding women's Shabbat gathering that she knows the primary value that defines her marriage and she keeps it in mind, especially when she looks in her husband's eyes during a tough time. Of all the lessons shared by women that day, hers is the one that I count on the most. I remember the first time my husband and I held each other I felt something mystical in my heart, heart opening, heart connection. It took some attention and observation to discover (and confirm and re-affirm) that the primary value that defines my marriage is generosity. We inspire generosity in one another and challenge each other to expand our hearts, home and pockets in hospitality, sharing and openness. While writing today my musical muse is none other than Naomi Less, who was the spiritual leader of that Shabbat Kallah (Bride's Shabbat). Our theme song “What You Give” just revealed itself while I'm listening to her cd Meshuga'at. “ And I believe, ani maamina, that the life you live is about what you give.” More than anything, this is our family belief.
My oldest daughter, the big sister of triplets, was my first soul daughter and despite having no biological connection to her nor a legal one, I selfishly feel that she was brought into the world for me. Not only for me, but still, for our souls to share life together. When she is not at home with us, a piece is missing. When she is at home, or at least sleeping at home for the night, the peace returns. Last night I was creating a photo collage of her first day of Hebrew school, her Purim costumes throughout the years, Hanukah candlelighting, pre-Holiday photos, and life cycle moments; this will become the siddur cover for her very first siddur. Last Shabbat she read Torah for the first time. Eight years old and she wants to read Torah, reminds me to light Shabbat candles, and is a mitzvah maker.
Like her, I am an oldest daugher-oldest child and am positioned between parents as the first tie that binds. Negotiating the changes my father's illness forces in our family, my perspective on my divorced parents is compassionate to both. All through their divorce and post-divorce life I set a clear zero-tolerance boundary for negative complaints about each other. I'll allow a certain amount of reflection of the past, but no current criticism. Knowing first hand how divorce redefines one's life, I try to be compassionate to my parents without enabling triangulation. They are grown ups with their own adult resources and are doing just fine with it. Now, unexpectedly- we are again in close proximity again, having celebrated Passover all together. As a child, it was surprisingly sweet to have both my parents there, with my mom's new husband, and with all of us children and grandchildren. Worth mentioning is that Passover begins on the 14th of Nissan.
I think the most important thing a parent can model for their children is a loving and respectful regard for the other people the child loves. Including one's self, the other parent or parents, if any, grandparents, siblings. Regardless of how young or old the child is, she is the center of her own world of soul connections. Parenting is not easy, especially challenging when you don't have that soul connection or any positive feelings for the other important people in your child's life.
Imagine the twine that rounds a bundle of grain, a literal Omer. We each bundle together our soul family. My s-daughter bundles me together as her "other mother", in with my husband and also with her mother. She is our only connection to her mother, and holds us together in her top three caretakers, love providers and role models. That alone forces the responsibility upon us to treat one another – with words, actions AND heart- with goodness, respect and dare-I-say a beloved regard. Realizing this ideal is the most emotionally challenging task, especially when thinking about the history and even current conflicts. And, even when the other is mean, spiteful, abusive, hateful to us, we are responsible for fostering only love between our child and that person. I can hold this expectation for my parents because I hold it for myself, and I hold God accountable in the same manner. More than simply giving money for tzedakah from the physical realm, we reach deep into our mental depths and through our spiritual seeking to consciously carefully give generously from our hearts.
Today is the 14th day of the Omer, which is 2 weeks of the Omer.
From What You Give (Naomi Less on Meshuga'at) – www.naomiless.com:
My mind will know your troubles, but I don't comprehend
how your pain will never turn you bitter in the end.
You never show the truth behind your unassuming smile,
so rest a minute listen to my words
You bring me joy, sasson v'simcha,
you bring great love, ahava rabba,
And I believe, ani maamina,
that the life you live is about what you give.”
more reflections:
Safety first, always sharing love, then what else? I asked my facebook friends “what is the most important thing a parent should model for their children?” Answers include: shoes, patience, and shalom bayit. What would you add? What can you do today to free yourself up to be the best you can be?
Stress makes it hard to be our best. You may need to start with some alone time, self-nurturing, a treat. I would start with dark chocolate, a long hot shower and my 10 step miessence (www.ravyogaorganics.com) facial at home. Before putting yourself through a rigorous inventory, take care of yourself and then consider your primary values. Please share!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
13 - Endings and Beginnings
Today I helped two couples finalize their divorces. And I said mazal tov each time.
Divorce itself is not cause for celebration, clearly it is a loss of hopes and dreams. By the time couples initiate the Jewish legal divorce process their civil divorce is complete. Often they wait years, until one of the two is ready to re-marry, to get the Get – the document that severs the bond of marriage. At that point, the mazal tov acknowledges their readiness to welcome new beginnings. Of course I only select those words when I know the situation. And even then, when years have passed – five, ten even thirty years- the Jewish divorce proceedings draw up some amount of emotional tension and uneasiness. Though each person has “moved on” in life as if they were divorced, they know on a deep level that this tie still binds. No matter that they have no regard for Jewish law, they know that they neglected to finalize a Jewish divorce and at some psychic level feel that mental-spiritual attachment.
Mazal tov actually implies a wish that the stars and constellations will be aligned in a good way. In this sense that is always an appropriate blessing, more specific than a blanket congratulations. With divorce, a hand written document is drawn up specifically for these two people and for the sake of their divorce. It permanently breaks the bond of covenant created under the chuppah, an action that no one ever envisions for themselves. At the wedding, a forever future is dreamed up as two people bind their destinies together. With divorce comes the end of those dreams and a often jarring jump to a new path, new cosmos.
Having been through it myself, I know that it can be the right thing. And even when it is, that it can be the hardest thing a person does. When I facilitate the Get process my intent is to accompany the individuals in their decision to pursue a Jewish divorce. I honor their choice, educate them about the process and encourage them to seek support. Trying to balance ritual meaning with particular and scripted legal requirements, I wonder if there is more I can do to represent Jewish wisdom on loss, and starting over.
Heart pounding when purchasing a book about divorce, scared to share my decision, I remember feeling so lonely and ashamed. Once made, the decision was a revelation of truth yet did nothing to lessen my love. We divided property and pets and began an excruciating period of negotiating acceptable contact.
When a rabbi told me that it takes five years to get over divorce, I optimistically hoped it would be shorter for me since I was certain in my decision and already felt relief. Life moves on and even improved immediately for me, and I know my ex-husband had a quite different experience. I wish neither of us had to go through that pain, the grief, at our own time, in our own world, and my sympathy extends to both of us and to every person that dissolves a marriage. I wasn't so special to get a shortened sentence. And now, I believe that there is always some degree of healing that can happen even five, ten, thirty years later.
Safely on the other side, I know that the stars do shine after the darkness of divorce blows over. The relationship had its lessons, its learnings. The divorce cultivated strength and resolve. Completely certainly and undoubtably severing that bond is essential and that is why I feel strongly about facilitating the process for every divorcing or divorced person.
Mazal tov is good fortune, which is certain to follow, in time. A whole new constellation of life awaits, worlds of blessings, rays of illumination.
Today is the 13th day of the Omer. One week and six days.
For your practice: what needs closure in your life? How can you become ready to end that chapter? In what ways are you still mourning past losses? What are your lessons and learnings from the past? How do you dream your stars will re-align? Create a ritual for yourself to sever a bond that you need to let go of. Consider writing, mikveh, time in nature, art and more.
Divorce itself is not cause for celebration, clearly it is a loss of hopes and dreams. By the time couples initiate the Jewish legal divorce process their civil divorce is complete. Often they wait years, until one of the two is ready to re-marry, to get the Get – the document that severs the bond of marriage. At that point, the mazal tov acknowledges their readiness to welcome new beginnings. Of course I only select those words when I know the situation. And even then, when years have passed – five, ten even thirty years- the Jewish divorce proceedings draw up some amount of emotional tension and uneasiness. Though each person has “moved on” in life as if they were divorced, they know on a deep level that this tie still binds. No matter that they have no regard for Jewish law, they know that they neglected to finalize a Jewish divorce and at some psychic level feel that mental-spiritual attachment.
Mazal tov actually implies a wish that the stars and constellations will be aligned in a good way. In this sense that is always an appropriate blessing, more specific than a blanket congratulations. With divorce, a hand written document is drawn up specifically for these two people and for the sake of their divorce. It permanently breaks the bond of covenant created under the chuppah, an action that no one ever envisions for themselves. At the wedding, a forever future is dreamed up as two people bind their destinies together. With divorce comes the end of those dreams and a often jarring jump to a new path, new cosmos.
Having been through it myself, I know that it can be the right thing. And even when it is, that it can be the hardest thing a person does. When I facilitate the Get process my intent is to accompany the individuals in their decision to pursue a Jewish divorce. I honor their choice, educate them about the process and encourage them to seek support. Trying to balance ritual meaning with particular and scripted legal requirements, I wonder if there is more I can do to represent Jewish wisdom on loss, and starting over.
Heart pounding when purchasing a book about divorce, scared to share my decision, I remember feeling so lonely and ashamed. Once made, the decision was a revelation of truth yet did nothing to lessen my love. We divided property and pets and began an excruciating period of negotiating acceptable contact.
When a rabbi told me that it takes five years to get over divorce, I optimistically hoped it would be shorter for me since I was certain in my decision and already felt relief. Life moves on and even improved immediately for me, and I know my ex-husband had a quite different experience. I wish neither of us had to go through that pain, the grief, at our own time, in our own world, and my sympathy extends to both of us and to every person that dissolves a marriage. I wasn't so special to get a shortened sentence. And now, I believe that there is always some degree of healing that can happen even five, ten, thirty years later.
Safely on the other side, I know that the stars do shine after the darkness of divorce blows over. The relationship had its lessons, its learnings. The divorce cultivated strength and resolve. Completely certainly and undoubtably severing that bond is essential and that is why I feel strongly about facilitating the process for every divorcing or divorced person.
Mazal tov is good fortune, which is certain to follow, in time. A whole new constellation of life awaits, worlds of blessings, rays of illumination.
Today is the 13th day of the Omer. One week and six days.
For your practice: what needs closure in your life? How can you become ready to end that chapter? In what ways are you still mourning past losses? What are your lessons and learnings from the past? How do you dream your stars will re-align? Create a ritual for yourself to sever a bond that you need to let go of. Consider writing, mikveh, time in nature, art and more.
12 - Multiplication
A full circle moment today when my father tried to teach my eldest how to easily multiply any number by 11, after she tried to -lol- stump him with 9 times 12. That's one trick he taught me when I was a child, and always a good one. Times eleven was definitely not in the context of what day of the Omer it was today; sitting outside enjoying the weather, I was guiding an intergenerational getting-to-know-each-other-better game.
Math quizzes were a daily “oh Dad!” annoyance at my childhood dinner table, also the extent of conversation. My dad wasn't the most skilled at relating to growing daughters, but he certainly has changed a lot since I was young. For one thing, several years ago he started to make an effort. Recent conversations make it clear that he has done his work, thought deeply about himself, and that he loves and feels deeply. I've come to believe people can change, at least behavioral patterns, when they learn more about themselves and their tendencies during good times and bad.
Anger is an issue here, one that I don't deny permeated my childhood. And he wouldn't deny that it is a lingering issue for him, especially in relation to family. Even in my college angst days when I carried a lot of anger for my father, I would acknowledge that he taught me valuable math skills and trained my mind for logical and analytical thinking. Dad showed me how to use an imaginary black board in my head to do math problems, a visualization ability that later came in handy when learning to drive. After one time behind the wheel of our stick-shift red Honda Prelude I went to bed and imagined each step. Next day I was driving like I had lots of experience.
Isn't it so interesting that I can't even finish a paragraph about anger with anger? As my friend Nikki would say, I LOOOVVVVVE IT! There was a lot of anger, past tense, but not anymore. In college I expressed my anger and demanded his apology for past hurts. In young adulthood I accepted the limitations of our relationship, mourned them and tried to accept it.
One of the many gifts of my relationship with my husband is his encouragement to really fulfill the mitzvah of honoring my father. At the start I resented him pushing me to call more, couldn't understand why Jeff wanted to pick Dad up from the airport and drive him around all day, thought he should leave well enough alone, or just leave me alone on this issue. One day I'll write more about it, for now simply stated I'm grateful for his influence. Bit by bit I started seeing my dad differently, understanding his challenges and appreciating his efforts.
During my twenty-four hour trip to Florida to bring my Dad back to Chicago for treatment he needed to know that I wasn't still mad at him. I hugged him and said “I forgive you Dad.” It was true and complete.
Only six years ago when Dad was coming to Chicago for some occasion I set a 3 day boundary on his stay in my home. Now I welcome him into our home. He is living with us indefinitely and it is a gift. As he said, there is a silver lining to his illness, that is spending time getting to know his grandchildren, and also trying to know us, his children. There is only love and affection with us and our children. Seeing our girls run up to their Saba (Grandfather in Hebrew) with open arms is precious and watching him teach them tricks is a treat I will always treasure.
Today was day 11 of the Omer.
Tonight is the 12th day of the Omer, which is one week and five days.
For you: Think of someone you need to forgive, or have already forgiven. What tricks and teachings did they gift you? What positive things were part of the relationship? How can you forgive the rest? If appropriate, can you continue to grow the relationship? If the relationship is over, can you let it go with love, cherishing the gifts and learning from the hurts? How can you just let it go? Decide to forgive, say the words, and let your heart follow.
Math quizzes were a daily “oh Dad!” annoyance at my childhood dinner table, also the extent of conversation. My dad wasn't the most skilled at relating to growing daughters, but he certainly has changed a lot since I was young. For one thing, several years ago he started to make an effort. Recent conversations make it clear that he has done his work, thought deeply about himself, and that he loves and feels deeply. I've come to believe people can change, at least behavioral patterns, when they learn more about themselves and their tendencies during good times and bad.
Anger is an issue here, one that I don't deny permeated my childhood. And he wouldn't deny that it is a lingering issue for him, especially in relation to family. Even in my college angst days when I carried a lot of anger for my father, I would acknowledge that he taught me valuable math skills and trained my mind for logical and analytical thinking. Dad showed me how to use an imaginary black board in my head to do math problems, a visualization ability that later came in handy when learning to drive. After one time behind the wheel of our stick-shift red Honda Prelude I went to bed and imagined each step. Next day I was driving like I had lots of experience.
Isn't it so interesting that I can't even finish a paragraph about anger with anger? As my friend Nikki would say, I LOOOVVVVVE IT! There was a lot of anger, past tense, but not anymore. In college I expressed my anger and demanded his apology for past hurts. In young adulthood I accepted the limitations of our relationship, mourned them and tried to accept it.
One of the many gifts of my relationship with my husband is his encouragement to really fulfill the mitzvah of honoring my father. At the start I resented him pushing me to call more, couldn't understand why Jeff wanted to pick Dad up from the airport and drive him around all day, thought he should leave well enough alone, or just leave me alone on this issue. One day I'll write more about it, for now simply stated I'm grateful for his influence. Bit by bit I started seeing my dad differently, understanding his challenges and appreciating his efforts.
During my twenty-four hour trip to Florida to bring my Dad back to Chicago for treatment he needed to know that I wasn't still mad at him. I hugged him and said “I forgive you Dad.” It was true and complete.
Only six years ago when Dad was coming to Chicago for some occasion I set a 3 day boundary on his stay in my home. Now I welcome him into our home. He is living with us indefinitely and it is a gift. As he said, there is a silver lining to his illness, that is spending time getting to know his grandchildren, and also trying to know us, his children. There is only love and affection with us and our children. Seeing our girls run up to their Saba (Grandfather in Hebrew) with open arms is precious and watching him teach them tricks is a treat I will always treasure.
Today was day 11 of the Omer.
Tonight is the 12th day of the Omer, which is one week and five days.
For you: Think of someone you need to forgive, or have already forgiven. What tricks and teachings did they gift you? What positive things were part of the relationship? How can you forgive the rest? If appropriate, can you continue to grow the relationship? If the relationship is over, can you let it go with love, cherishing the gifts and learning from the hurts? How can you just let it go? Decide to forgive, say the words, and let your heart follow.
Friday, April 9, 2010
11 - Count your blessings
A simple practice for today – count your blessings. Make a gratitude list of blessings in your life.
Write them or think them, then speak them. Say them out loud to yourself, to God, to your pet, to your partner, to a friend or even a stranger.
It will soon be day eleven of the Omer so be sure to list eleven blessings in your life, and then, since it is Shabbat (and the second Shabbat of the Omer) double your portion. Your challenge: express your gratitude for 2x11=22 blessings, things/people/places/anything for which you can find gratitude.
Shabbat shalom.
Write them or think them, then speak them. Say them out loud to yourself, to God, to your pet, to your partner, to a friend or even a stranger.
It will soon be day eleven of the Omer so be sure to list eleven blessings in your life, and then, since it is Shabbat (and the second Shabbat of the Omer) double your portion. Your challenge: express your gratitude for 2x11=22 blessings, things/people/places/anything for which you can find gratitude.
Shabbat shalom.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
10- Sefirotic/Erotic
Ten is the ultimate sefirotic number. Thought I'd throw in “sefirotic” as a nod to last night's discussion about sex, sensuality and what could be extrapolated into the erotic of God. As I formulated my words last night, read them with satisfaction, re-read them considering a broad audience and lasting internet availability, I decided to do a follow up piece on self-disclosure. Considering publishing the explanation essay first, I then decided to let the sex talk stand on its own before qualifying it perhaps unnecessarily.
Pleased, for sure, I am, that number nine elicited my first comment! A positive comment from a rabbinic colleague. Another colleague privately sounded a caution about what future potential employers might discover online.
I'm not so naïve, rather I have made a conscious choice about being real and how much of myself to reveal. This is my personal evolution. Upon my acceptance to rabbinical school my mother asked me what kind of clothes I would have to start wearing. I balked at her suggestion that I would change my standards in any way yet the second guessing seeped in, along with seeds for the teenage rebellion I had errantly skipped. Portraying a persona that is more buttoned up or covered up betrays honesty. Not to mention that my taste is pretty classy to start.
Always the obedient student I heeded warnings to “remember that congregants are not your friends”, “keep your personal life personal” and the like. Problem is, without taking the risks of developing personal relationships in the congregational community it also inhibits deepening the connections and growth. Hiding my true personality prohibits people from knowing me and ultimately from me knowing them. Allowing those congregational friendships to develop naturally, and at times even to foster them, is what can make me be the best rabbi I can be.
One of my dearest friends was somewhat a mentor in embracing my own sensuality. Sharing her experiences with fond recollections and sideways looks of mystique was a gift to me, and a lesson about oneg, delight. When she married she agreed with her husband that she would no longer share details of their sex life with her friends. Still a sensual and sexual creature, the boundary they created keeps their intimate life sacred.
My aim is to hold to their standards of separating the sacred. Being sensual, being sexual – those are expected attributes of every individual. Sharing those traits is honest and frankly healthy. We must discern between clean and clear appropriate sensuality and unhealthy inappropriate visual and verbal assaults. The slogan “your only as sick as your secrets” comes to mind when I think of the news reports about the Catholic church and sexual abuse. Starting out with a sacred perspective on sexuality and open conversations influenced by authentic Jewish teaching can prevent secrets and sublimation and sickness from taking hold.
That sexuality is divine is a foundation of the sefirotic world. In the kabbalah of the Zohar, God's personality is overlay-ed onto the image of a body, and the attributes of God's personality reside in various places of the body. There are ten sefirot, major energetic centers each with their own essence – such as wisdom and harmony. Within this system are pairs that balance each other, polarities that magnetically draw together, a complex godly intercourse. The divine realm is mirrored in the earthly realm below; union above brings a bountiful flow of blessings down into our world. All of this, when human intentions, prayers and practices align properly.
Today is the tenth night of the omer, that is one week and three days of the omer.
For your practice: today try some meditation. Sitting, standing or laying still. Pay attention to your body, each part, each side, where there is balance, where there is assymetry. Notice your breath, inhale and exhale, depth and pace of each. If you are a novice, sit for 3 or 5 minutes, if you are experienced go for 10 to 30 minutes. Listen for your truth, for how you match your outsides to your insides, to how and when you are your most authentic self, true to your soul.
Pleased, for sure, I am, that number nine elicited my first comment! A positive comment from a rabbinic colleague. Another colleague privately sounded a caution about what future potential employers might discover online.
I'm not so naïve, rather I have made a conscious choice about being real and how much of myself to reveal. This is my personal evolution. Upon my acceptance to rabbinical school my mother asked me what kind of clothes I would have to start wearing. I balked at her suggestion that I would change my standards in any way yet the second guessing seeped in, along with seeds for the teenage rebellion I had errantly skipped. Portraying a persona that is more buttoned up or covered up betrays honesty. Not to mention that my taste is pretty classy to start.
Always the obedient student I heeded warnings to “remember that congregants are not your friends”, “keep your personal life personal” and the like. Problem is, without taking the risks of developing personal relationships in the congregational community it also inhibits deepening the connections and growth. Hiding my true personality prohibits people from knowing me and ultimately from me knowing them. Allowing those congregational friendships to develop naturally, and at times even to foster them, is what can make me be the best rabbi I can be.
One of my dearest friends was somewhat a mentor in embracing my own sensuality. Sharing her experiences with fond recollections and sideways looks of mystique was a gift to me, and a lesson about oneg, delight. When she married she agreed with her husband that she would no longer share details of their sex life with her friends. Still a sensual and sexual creature, the boundary they created keeps their intimate life sacred.
My aim is to hold to their standards of separating the sacred. Being sensual, being sexual – those are expected attributes of every individual. Sharing those traits is honest and frankly healthy. We must discern between clean and clear appropriate sensuality and unhealthy inappropriate visual and verbal assaults. The slogan “your only as sick as your secrets” comes to mind when I think of the news reports about the Catholic church and sexual abuse. Starting out with a sacred perspective on sexuality and open conversations influenced by authentic Jewish teaching can prevent secrets and sublimation and sickness from taking hold.
That sexuality is divine is a foundation of the sefirotic world. In the kabbalah of the Zohar, God's personality is overlay-ed onto the image of a body, and the attributes of God's personality reside in various places of the body. There are ten sefirot, major energetic centers each with their own essence – such as wisdom and harmony. Within this system are pairs that balance each other, polarities that magnetically draw together, a complex godly intercourse. The divine realm is mirrored in the earthly realm below; union above brings a bountiful flow of blessings down into our world. All of this, when human intentions, prayers and practices align properly.
Today is the tenth night of the omer, that is one week and three days of the omer.
For your practice: today try some meditation. Sitting, standing or laying still. Pay attention to your body, each part, each side, where there is balance, where there is assymetry. Notice your breath, inhale and exhale, depth and pace of each. If you are a novice, sit for 3 or 5 minutes, if you are experienced go for 10 to 30 minutes. Listen for your truth, for how you match your outsides to your insides, to how and when you are your most authentic self, true to your soul.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
